Come on Down to South Park
by XxApplexFrostxX
Summary: Four best friends meet two sisters that had moved to South Park from another country. Adventures with be embarked. Secrets will be discovered. And everything is beyond normal in the small little mountain town of South Park, Colorado. KennyXOC and KyleXSis!OC pairing. Fractured But Whole powers are real. And Characters will age.
1. Cartman Gets An Anal Probe

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe

"_School day, school day,_

_Teacher's golden ru..._" My friends and I sang, until a Canadian baby boy in blue pjs joined us.

"Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again." My best friend, Kyle groaned.

"Zeeponaner!" Kyle's brother, Ike, gurgled.

"Ike, you can't come to school with me." Kyle told his little brother, but Ike just chortled.

* * *

Oh, sorry. I should introduce you to who me and my friends are. My name is Stanley Randal Marsh, but my friends call me Stan. I'm eight years old, and I'm just a normal Third-Grade student, from the small town of South Park, Colorado.

I'm most recognized, not by my light skin, black hair and blue eyes, but by my casual clothing. I usually wear a blue hat with a red puffball, and red trimming over my head, a brown jacket, with a red collar, over my casual red and blue baseball shirt, a pair red gloves over my hands, dark blue jeans and matching dark boots.

* * *

Let me tell you about my friends.

I'll start with Kyle Broflovski. Yeah, he's Jewish, don't rub it in. He and I have been best friends since we were in Kindergarten. Maybe earlier.

He, too, has light skin. But has ginger hair and sharp green eyes. He wears a green ushanka over his head, a bright orange jacket, with dark green collar and trimmings, over a casual t-shirt. He hardly takes his hat or jacket off. He also wears a pair of matching green gloves and pants, along with a pair of dark boots.

* * *

Eric Cartman is a really different story, he just came to me and Kyle one day and claimed us as his friends. He's really _not_ the nicest boy you'll meet, so we've put up with him since.

Cartman is light skinned, like me and Kyle, but he's on the 'heavy' side. His hair is a light brunette and his eyes are a hazel, or brown color. He wears a blue and yellow hat, similar to mine, a red jacket with a green t-shirt underneath, yellow gloves, brown pants and black shoes.

* * *

Kenny McCormick became our friend, due to mutual interests and hates. His family is claimed to be the poorest family in the town, but they're just stuck in poverty, due to having dead jobs and poor welfare. At least they still have a roof over their heads, I'm not complaining and neither is Kenny.

Kenny wears an orange parka, with brown trimmings, and he keeps the hood over his head, so we've hardly seen his face, only his light blue eyes and bits and pieces of blonde hair... I think... Anyway, along with the parka, Kenny wears matching orange pants, brown gloves and brown boots. Very quiet and keeps to himself.

* * *

Anywho, that's me and my friends. Now, back to the story.

"Yeah, go home you little dildo!" Cartman shouted at Ike.

"Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!" Kyle shouted at him.

Curious, I tilted my head, "What's a dildo?"

"Well, I don't know..." Kyle answered, then turned back to Cartman, "And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!"

"I know what it means!" Cartman argued.

"Well, what?" Kyle asked.

Cartman closed his eyes and put his hands behind his back, "I'm not telling you."

Instead, I turned to Kenny, "What's a dildo, Kenny?"

"(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina.)" Kenny answered behind muffles of his parka.

Cartman and I chuckled.

"He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right!" Cartman laughed. Angry, Kenny grabbed Ike by his feet and swung him into Cartman. Cartman fell and yelped, "Ow!"

Kyle put Ike back down and Ike laughed.

I couldn't help by smile, "Dude, that kicks ass!"

Kyle smiled back, "Yeah, check this one out." Then he turned to his brother, "Ready Ike? Kick the baby!"

"Don't kick the baby." Ike replied.

"Kick the baby." Kyle took a step back and kicked Ike like a football.

Ike flew across the other side of the road and landed into a heap of snow. Cartman yawned loudly.

I turned to him, "Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night."

Cartman nodded, "That's 'cause I was having these... Bogus nightmares."

This got Kyle's interest, "Really? What about?"

"Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed, in the dark." Cartman explained his dream, "When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. Then slowly my bedroom door began to open and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway. Then I was lying on a table and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes..."

My eyes widened in surprise, "Dude! Visitors!"

Kyle nodded, "Totally!"

Cartman tilted his head, "What?"

"That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were Visitors!" I explained.

Cartman stubbornly shook his head, "No, it was just a dream, my mom said so."

"Visitors are real." I told him.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows."

"Oh, shut up guys!" Cartman shouted, "You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working."

Then Chef showed up in his green and camouflage car. He exit his car and greeted, "Hello children!"

* * *

Chef is the 'lunch lady' of South Park Elementary. He's an African American guy with a huge heart and an ear to listen. He usually wears a red shirt and jeans under a chef's apron and hat.

* * *

"Hey Chef." We greeted back.

Then I asked, "What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?"

"Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley." Chef answered.

Cartman smiled, "Kick ass."

Then Chef asked us, "Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?"

Cartman's eyes widen, "Huh?"

Kyle nodded and pointed to Cartman, "Yeah, Fat Boy saw it!"

Cartman shook his head, "Eh, no, that, that was just a dream." Then he shouted at Kyle, "And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!"

"Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?" Chef asked Cartman.

Cartman's eyes widened again, "Oh!"

"They took him on their ship." I told Chef.

Chef's eyes widened, "Oh!" Then whispered, "Did they give you an anal probe?"

Cartman was lost for words. Kyle tilted his head and asked, "What's an anal probe?"

"That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up yo' butt." Chef answered.

"Whoa!" Kyle gasped, then turned to Cartman, "They gave you an anal probe, Cartman?"

"No!" Cartman shouted, then tried to regain his composure, "Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?"

I noticed his actions, "Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!"

"No!" Cartman shouted.

Then Ike babbled, "Eneh probe."

"Shut up, dildo!" Cartman shouted at the baby.

Then Chef shrugged, "Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria." Then he told us, "You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control."

With that, he entered his car and drove off.

"We told you they were real, Cartman." Kyle told Cartman, "Sorry to hear about your ass."

"God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!" Cartman shouted.

Then the school bus showed up. Finally!

One-by-one, my friends and I entered the bus. Cartman was walking with a with little hobble, like he took a dump in his pants.

"Why you walkin' so funny, Cartman?" Kyle teased.

"Shut up!" Cartman shouted, as he entered the bus.

Kyle was about to walk into the doorway, but Ike stepped next to him, "Oh foonuh bebe."

"No, Ike, go home." Kyle shouted at his brother.

"Eeeeee!" Ike squeaked stubbornly.

Then Kyle had an idea, "This is it. This one's for the game."

Ike shoot his head, "Purplor."

Kyle took a step back, "Kick the baby!"

He kicked Ike and the Canadian baby flew over the bus. Ike landed in the snow on the other side. Dude! That was freaky. I was expecting the baby to fly through the window. How did Kyle do that?

Anyway, my friends and I entered to bus. "Good morning, Miss Crabtree." I greeted Ms. Crabtree with a sweet smile.

Ms. Crabtree is a bit of a mess for a lady. Her brown hair looked like a birds nest and she wore a rugged blue sweater and dingy grey jeans.

"Sit down! We're runnin' late!" She shouted.

My friends and I took our seats and Ms. Crabtree drove the bus to school. Kyle and I sat at the back. Kyle picked himself up and looked out the back window.

"Damn it, he's still there." He told me.

"Oh, don't worry about him." I waved my hand.

Kyle shook his head, "No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me."

Then Ms. Crabtree shouted at us, "Sit down back there!" Then she roared.

Kyle ignored her and shouted at the window, "Ike! Go home!"

"I said SIT DOWN!" Ms. Crabtree shouted.

"Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch." I sighed and rolled my eyes.

Ms. Crabtree turned to me, "What did you say!?"

"I said I have a bad itch." I quickly lied.

"Oh." Ms. Crabtree replied, then returned to her driving the bus to school.

Suddenly, Kyle gasped, "Oh, my God!"

I looked at my best friend and saw his face paled. I turned to the back window. Holy crap, dude! Two tall and slender aliens with grey skin and black eyes surrounded Kyle's younger brother.

"Visitors!" I gasped.

Kenny turned and saw the aliens too, "(Oh my God!)"

"Ike!" Kyle cried and ran to the front of the bus, "Stop the bus!" He turned to Ms. Crabtree, "Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!"

"Do you want an office referral!?" Ms. Crabtree asked.

Kyle shook his head, "No."

So she shouted, "Then sit down!"

"But I..." Kyle started, but Ms. Crabtree screamed at him.

Kyle screamed and ran back to his seat, next to me.

I pointed to the aliens behind us, "Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?"

"Shut up you guys, it's not working." Cartman answered, not looking back at us.

"We have to do something!" Kyle cried in worry.

"Well, we can't do anything for now." I pointed out, then shouted, "That fat bitch won't let us!"

Ms. Crabtree turned to me again, "What did you say!?"

"Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce." I quickly lied.

"Oh." She replied, returning to the road, "Well, yes, they certainly do."

Suddenly, Ms. Crabtree made a hard right. The gravity threw the kids on the left side of the bus into the right side.

"What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens." Kyle muttered, starting to sound hysterical. To help him out, I farted into the seat. Kyle looked at me with a smile, "You farted."

Then he and I started laughing. Farting always cheers Kyle up when he's scared.

The school bus arrived and we shuffled in and took our seats. It was a short, quiet trip to school. The school bell rang and we went to our classrooms. Mr. Garrison arrived and he had a slightly annoyed look on his face.

Mr. Garrison is an early senior in a green jacket, matching dark green khaki pants and black shoes.

"Attention, class. Attention, please. We have two new students, who have moved here just three days ago." He announced to the class. He looked the door and called, "Come on in. Don't be shy."

From the classroom door, two girls entered the classroom and stopped at the front of the class. I gasped at their appearances.

* * *

The first girl was quite tall for my age, and quite slender, but healthy. Her skin was a very pale Caucasian, as if like a ghost. Black bruises around her eyes that indicate trouble sleeping. And freckles under her eyes and across her nose.

Her hair was very short, but her bangs reached her chin, as they hang over her face, she was a ravenette, like me and some of the other kids in my class. Her eyes were hazel, nearly green.

She wore a pair of black wayfarer glasses, a leather choker with a spider pendant, a pair of black, fingerless gloves and a dark grey backpack.

The girl's attire consisted of a black, short-sleeved hoodie with a red spider design on the chest area. The hoodie is over a light grey, long-sleeved shirt with dark grey webbing design on the sleeves. A pair of dark grey khaki pants and black sneakers.

Gothic.

She also wore a pair of leg braces on her legs. Must be handicapped.

* * *

The second girl was a bit shorter and had lightly tanned skin with freckles under her eyes and across her nose. Blonde hair, with natural light brown low-lights, that reached to her shoulders. Light blue eyes that looked like a pool of water.

She wears a white long-sleeved shirt under a pink t-shirt. A gold chain necklace with pink gemstone pendant. Blue jeans and black sandals.

A tomboy with a hint of girly-girl.

* * *

By what I can tell, they have to be sisters and they're clearly opposites.

"Why don't you tell your new classmates your name? Introduce yourself." Mr. Garrison suggested to the new girls.

The Gothic girl looked around, seeming very uncomfortable, saying nothing.

The blonde-haired girl looked at the class and answered in a clear voice, "My name is Samantha Carter." She gestured to the other girl, "And this is my sister, Ellie. We moved here from London, England, in hope to start a new life. I hope we might become good friends."

Mr. Garrison smiled and clapped his hands, "Very good, Samantha. Now take your seat, next to Stan." He looked at me, "Stan, would you raise your hand, so Ellie and Samantha would know where to sit."

I raised my hand. Samantha smiled, took hold of Ellie's hand and took the two empty desks next to and behind me. Samantha took the one next to me and Ellie sat behind me.

During the lesson, I leaned over to Samantha and greeted, "Hey. I'm Stan Marsh."

Samantha smiled and extended her hand to me, "Nice to meet you, Stan. My name is Samantha. But, you can call me Sam or Sammy."

I smiled and shook her hand. I turned to look at Ellie. She had her eyes glued to her desk, and she twiddled her thumbs.

I smiled, "Hi. I'm Stan."

Ellie glanced at me, then looked back at the desk. I was barely able to hear her whisper, "Ellie..."

Then, Mr. Garrison started with his class, "And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus."

"That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend." Mr. Hat, Mr. Garrison's hand puppet explained, "He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass, and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon, and discovered France. And then in 1492, Columbus started a restaurant..."

"Oh, man. I can't just sit here." Kyle started whispering to me in a panic, "I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling." Then he started to sound angry, "'Where's your brother, Kyle?' 'You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?'"

"Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him." I whispered back.

But Kyle ignored me and started to get louder, "'You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!' 'Brush and floss, Kyle!' 'Where has that finger been, Kyle!?'"

"Dude!" I shouted.

Mr. Garrison heard us and asked, "Is there a problem, boys?"

Kyle nodded his head, "Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now."

Mr. Garrison tilted his head, "Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?"

"No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens." Kyle explained.

The classroom went silent, unsure how to react.

"It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe." Kyle insisted.

Cartman just chuckled, "Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh."

"Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go." Kyle insisted, leaping off his desk and toward Mr. Garrison's desk, "Can I please be excused from class?"

"I don't know, Kyle." Mr. Garrison shrugged, then asked, "Did you ask Mr. Hat?"

Kyle shook his head, "I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!"

"Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat." Mr. Garrison insisted, pushing Mr. Hat closer to Kyle's face.

Kyle sighed and rolled his eyes, "Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?"

"Well, Kyle..." Mr. Hat started, then yelled, "No! You hear me?! You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!"

Mr. Garrison shrugged his shoulders, "Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle."

Kyle walked back to his desk, "Damn it!"

Cartman smiled and laughed, "Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you."

Suddenly, Cartman farted. Fire erupted from his ass and nearly hit Pip, "Ow! My ass!"

The class gasped at the sight.

"Dude!" Kyle gasped.

"Damn, Cartman!" I gasped.

Cartman farted more fire, "Uh... Ow! My ass!"

"Dude, he's farting fire!" Kyle shouted.

"It's the alien anal probe." I noticed, "It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!"

"No, that was just a dream." Cartman insisted.

"Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?" Mr. Garrison asked.

Cartman shook his head, "No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine."

He farted again and more fire erupted. The flames hit Pip and engulfed him. Pip jumped off his desk and started running around in a panic.

Ellie watched in interest, "Wow, cool."

* * *

_***Later, at the Cafeteria...***_

My friends and I were waiting in line for lunch. Ellie and Sam was behind us.

Cartman farted fire again and almost hit Sam.

"Watch it, Eric!" Sam shouted, as she took a step back.

Cartman ignored her and sighed, "Whoa, I sure am hungry."

"How can you eat when you're farting fire?" I asked.

"Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature." Cartman argued.

Kyle looked across and noticed, "Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger."

I gasped and followed his gaze, "Where?"

There she was. Wendy Testaburger. One of the popular girls in the school. I... Kinda... Have a crush on her. Every time I'm around her, she gives me butterflies in my stomach and I vomit at the sight of her, not in a bad way.

She has long, black hair with dark purple eyes. She wears a light purple, dress-like jacket with yellow leggings and matching boots.

My heart beat faster, my face warmed up and a bashful smile grew of my face.

"_Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger._" Cartman sang.

"Shut up, fat ass!" I quickly shouted, snapping back to reality, "I don't even like her!"

"I'm not fat!" Cartman shouted.

"Then why do your cheeks brighten up every time you look at her?" Ellie asked me.

Even their voices were opposite. Sam speaks with a clear voice with a British accent. While Ellie speaks in a raspy voice with an African-American accent.

I looked at the British ravenette in confusion.

Then Wendy walked up to us, "Hi, guys."

"Hi, Wendy." Cartman, Kyle and Kenny greeted.

"Hi, new girls." Wendy greeted Ellie and Sam.

"Hello, Wendy." Sam greeted with a smile, while Ellie gave a shy wave.

Wendy walked over to me and gave me a note, "Here, Stan. This is for you."

I opened my mouth and vomit spilled out before I can speak.

Wendy yelped, "Eww!" Then walked off.

"Bye, Wendy." Cartman, Kyle, Sam and Kenny farewelled.

Once Wendy was gone, Kyle asked me, "Dude, what does the note say?"

I read the note and gasped, "Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school."

Kyle smiled, "Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her."

"Or slip her the tongue." Cartman added.

"(Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)" Kenny spoke up.

"What?" I yelped, "How do you know she has a cat?"

Kenny started laughing. The rest of followed in laughter, as we realized what Kenny really meant.

Sam gasped and shouted, "Kenny, that's disgusting!" Eleanor suppressed a giggle.

Kyle broke the laughter, "Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back."

My friends and I entered arrived to the kitchen, where Chef was waiting.

Chef saw us and waved, "Hello there, children."

"Hey, Chef." We all greeted.

"How are you doing?" Chef asked.

"Bad." Kyle answered with a sigh.

"Why bad?" Chef asked him.

"Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?" Kyle asked.

Chef smiled, "Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another." Then offered, "Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up." Then he broke into song,

'_I'm gonna make love to you woman,_

_Gonna lay you down by the fire._'

Kyle and I looked at each other. How is a song gonna make things better? Especially a song like this?

'_And caress your womanly body,_

_Make you moan and perspire._

_Gonna-_'

"Uh, Chef." I tried to speak, but Chef was still singing.

'_-Get those juices flowin'-_'

"Chef."

'_-We're makin' love gravy-_'

"Chef!"

'_-Love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!_'

"Chef!" I shouted very loudly.

"_Love luh-_" Chef stopped singing and looked at us, "Huh?"

Kenny nodded his head to Kyle.

"Do you feel better?" Chef asked Kyle.

Kyle shook his head, "No!"

"Oh, come on children, what could be so bad?" Chef asked, lifting a tray of food, "It's Salisbury steak day."

"Visitors took Kyle's baby brother." I explained.

Chef, Ellie and Sam's eyes widen, "What?!"

"Visitors? As in grey skin with large black eyes?" Ellie asked.

Sam nudged Ellie in the arm.

Kyle nodded his head, "Yeah, those."

Chef dropped the food tray and ran toward us, "What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!"

"Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school." I explained, "He thinks we're making it up."

"Well, no one else saw them, so you've gotta be." Sam answered.

Cartman smiled, "Finally. Someone who thinks."

Suddenly, Cartman farted fire again, nearly hitting Ellie. But this time, something poke out of his butt. A mechanical probe with robot arms.

"Whoa!" I gasped.

It looked at Cartman and put its hands on its 'hips'. Cartman ignored it.

The probe returned into Cartman's butt.

Completely oblivious, Cartman looked at us, "What?"

"That was cool!" Kyle smiled.

"Still think aliens are fake, Sam?" Ellie asked her sister. Sam was lost for words.

"It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device." Chef explained, turning Cartman around and checking his butt.

"A symbol-what-sit-metal-who-sit device?" Sam tried to repeat.

"It's a device that is triggered by Eric's emotions." Ellie translated. Wow, she's smart for a third grader.

"This could mean the Visitors want to communicate with us." Chef finished.

Annoyed, Cartman quickly pulled up his pants and glared at Chef, "Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke, huh?"

Chef quickly shook his head, "It's no joke, children. This is big!"

"Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me." Kyle begged.

Chef stood up, "Uuh, hold on now, hold on now." Then muttered to himself, "Uhyouyouyou you gotta help the children."

Cartman got angry and impatient, "Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!"

Ellie looked at me, "Is Eric really this stubborn?"

"You have no idea, Ellie." I answered, "And we call him Cartman."

Ellie nodded, "Noted."

Chef walked into the cafeteria and pulled on the fire alarm.

"Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out!" He shouted over the alarm, then whispered to us, "Okay children, this is your chance!"

I smiled, "Killer! Thanks, Chef."

With that, my friends and I made our way to the nearest fire door.

"Wait. We're coming with you." Ellie called, following after us, with Sam close behind her.

Cartman turned and glared at the British ravenette, "Hey! No girls or handicaps allowed!"

Sam marched forward and glared at Cartman, "If Ellie says we're coming, we're coming!"

* * *

**_*Later, in the Neighborhood...*_**

"_We got out of school,_

_No more school today,_

_We got out of school..._" My friends and I sang, until Cartman farted fire again, nearly hitting Ellie again.

"Oh! You guys, my ass, seriously..!" Cartman shouted in pain.

"Watch where you're aiming that thing, Cartman!" Sam shouted, pulling Ellie away from Cartman's fart.

"Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now." I told Cartman.

"I would if I could, you son of a bitch!" He shouted at me.

"Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?" Kyle wondered.

Cartman sighed then started shouting loudly, "Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control!"

Suddenly, something hit Cartman. His cheeks turned rosy and he started singing and dancing like an old cartoon,

'_I love to sing-a,_

_About the moon-a and June-a and the spring-a,_

_I love to sing-a,_

_About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a..._'

Cartman was hit again and he returned to normal.

Everything went awkwardly quiet, until Sam started laughing, "That was hilarious. Do that again!"

"What the hell was that?" I gasped.

"He is under alien control." Kyle noticed, "That thing in his butt is linked up to the Visitors!"

"Ah, son of a bitch!" Cartman shouted and glared at the us, "You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control."

Kyle walked over to Cartman and yelled into his ear, "Hey! If you Visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother, God damnit!"

"Ow!" Cartman shouted, then faced Kyle, "That hurts, you butt-licker!"

Ellie looked up to the sky and noticed something. She nudged Kyle, "Kyle, look! It's them."

The rest of us looked and saw a flying spaceship hovering over us.

"Give me back my brother!" Kyle shouted.

He picked up a stone and threw it at the spaceship. It hit and the ship fired back. The blast hit Kenny and threw him into the other side of the road.

"Oh my God!" I gasped, "They've killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!" Kyle shouted at the ship. The ship left the scene, "Come back here! Coomme baack!"

The ship was gone.

"Damn it, we were so close!" Kyle cursed under his breath.

I noticed movement from Kenny, "Hey look, I think Kenny's okay."

Kenny got back to his feet and assured us, "(Don't worry, I'm alright.)" Then there was mooing. Kenny looked and screamed, "(Argh!)"

A large herd of cows ran over Kenny in a stampede.

"Owww." Was all we could say.

The stampede cleared and Kenny got back to his feet again, "(Nope, I'm all fine.)"

Suddenly, Officer Barbrady drove close behind and hit Kenny. Kenny flew over the car and landed on the curb. He didn't get back up. He was dead.

My friends, Ellie, Sam and I walked to Kenny's body.

"Poor Kenny." Ellie sighed mournfully.

"Now do you believe us, Cartman?" Kyle asked.

"I do." Sam answered.

Cartman shook his head stubbornly, "No!"

"Cartman, they killed Kenny!" Sam pointed out.

Cartman shook his head again, "He's not dead."

"Dude, Kenny is dead!" I shouted. I picked up a stick and poked Kenny's face with it. No response from the dead boy before us, "See?"

"Shut up, you guys." Cartman told us with a glare.

Kyle picked up Kenny's head, "He's dead, Cartman!"

"God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe!" Cartman shouted, then started making his way home, "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."

"Go on and go home, you fat chicken!" Kyle shouted.

"Dildo!" Cartman shorted back.

"You're all I have left, Stan." Kyle told me.

I shook my head, "Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger."

"You can't!" He argued, "Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!"

"Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot." I told him, as I made my way to Stark's Pond.

"Rats." Was the last thing I heard from Kyle before I couldn't hear him anymore.

* * *

**Kyle Broflovski's POV.**

With that, Stan left me alone on the curb of the road. Rats have carried Kenny's body off. All what's left were me and the two new girls.

"Uh... Kyle? If you don't mind me asking." Ellie started. I looked at her. "Where is Stark's Pond?"

"Stark's Pond is actually a large lake on the other side of town." I answered, then asked, "Why do you ask?"

"Well... I just thought that it might a good place to try and find the Visitors." She answered.

Sam smiled, "Hey. That's not a bad idea, Ellie. And maybe this Wendy girl can help us."

With that, the girls and I made our way to Stark's Pond. Stan was there, waiting for Wendy. We waited for ten minutes, then I decided to speak up.

"Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the Visitors now." I told my best friend.

"But her note said she'd be here." Stan frowned.

Suddenly, a familiar voice greeted from behind us, "Hi, Stan."

As if by instinct, Stan puked into the snow.

Wendy took a step back, "Eww!"

"Heya, Wendy." Sam greeted with a wave.

"You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do." I told Wendy.

Wendy turned to Stan, "But why, Stan?" Stan puked again, "Eww!"

"Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?" I asked, getting annoyed and impatient.

Wendy turned to me, "Huh?"

"Just make sweet love down by the fire." I pouted.

But Wendy was curious, "What happened to your little brother?"

"Cartman got abducted by Visitors last night and got probed in the butt." Sam explained, "And Kyle's brother got taken too."

I nodded, "And now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed."

"Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?" Wendy asked.

I looked at her, "Why?"

Wendy smiled, "Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the Visitors are using him as part of their plan."

Ellie smiled and nodded, "That might work. With Cartman as bait, the Visitors should come back to retrieve him."

Wendy smiled and nodded, "Yeah. That's right."

A smile grew on my face, "Hey. You're right, Wendy." Then told Stan, "Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman."

The new girls and I left the pond and made our way to Cartman's house.

* * *

**_*A Little Later, at Cartman's House...*_**

Stan, Wendy, Ellie, Sam and I arrived at Cartman's house and Cartman's mum let us in.

"Eric, look who's here." Cartman's mum told Cartman, as we entered the living room, following behind her.

Cartman was sitting on the couch, with a plate of his favorite chocolate chicken pot pie.

Ellie looked around, "Nice place, Cartman."

"Dude, weak, Mom!" Cartman shouted at his mum.

"Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop." I invited.

Cartman quickly shook his head, "I can't. My mom said..."

"That's okay, Eric." Cartman's mum smiled, "I think you need to go spend time with your little friends."

Cartman whispered to his mother, "But Mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends-"

"Don't be difficult, Eric!" She shouted sternly, then regained her composure, "Now, you go out and play in the fun snow."

"God damn it!" Cartman cursed under his breath.

* * *

**_*Later That Night, Outside Stark's Pond...*_**

**Stan Marsh's POV.**

"You guys, I have to get home." Cartman told us, as I finished tying his leg to a tree outside of Stark's Pond.

"Don't be such a fraidy-cat, Cartman." I told him, "This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again."

With that, Kyle, Wendy, the new girls and I left Cartman alone and hid behind a log nearby.

Cartman tugged on the rope, "Oh, man, this sucks."

"How come the Visitors aren't coming for him?" Kyle wondered.

"I think we have to signal them somehow." I answered.

Cartman farted fire again, "Ow!"

Wendy smiled, "Hey, he's like Rudolph."

Ellie gasped and smiled, "Of course. The probe is symbiotic." Then she shouted, "Hey, Cartman! Try farting a little bit more! So the Visitors can see you!"

Cartman tilted his head, "Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight."

"Sure you can." Ellie encouraged.

"Come on Cartman, fart!" I shouted.

"I don't wanna." Cartman shouted back.

"He can't hold it in forever." I told the others.

"Maybe we just need to get him angry." Ellie suggested.

"That's easier said than done, Ellie." I told her, "Cartman thinks this whole day was just a prank."

"Fart, damn you!" Kyle shouted angrily at Cartman.

That triggered Cartman's temper, "Okay, that's does it!" Then he shouted at the top of his lungs, "Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!" Cartman's pants fell, as something started to poke out of his butt, "I'm sick of it! It's completely immature."

"Hey, it's happening again." I noticed.

The machine grew outward and morphed into a giant, alien-like satellite dish. Whoa!

"Whoa, look at that." Kyle gasped.

"Now, do you believe us, Cartman?" I shouted at Cartman.

Not looking at the satellite, Cartman glared, "You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up."

"Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!" I shouted.

Cartman just glared at me, "Sure, you guys, what-ever."

The satellite launched a signal into the stars.

"You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!" Cartman shouted at us.

Then three spaceships and a large Mother-ship appeared in the sky.

Cartman saw and gasped, "Oh, God damn it!"

"Come down here, you stinking aliens!" Kyle shouted. Four Visitors appeared before us. Kyle was lost for words, "Uh, uh..."

"Go on, Kyle." I encouraged, "Ask 'em for your little brother back."

Kyle cleared his throat, "Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... I-Is a pretty special thing."

I nodded with a smile, "Yeah."

A smiled grew on Kyle's face, "Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again."

Kyle lowered his head. I wiped a tear from my eye, "That was beautiful, dude."

"Did it work?" He asked me.

I shook my head, "No, they're leaving."

This triggered Kyle's temper, as he shouted at the aliens, "Hey, you scrawny-assed shits, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" The aliens turned to Kyle, "You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!"

"Whoa, dude!" I gasped.

"Kyle!" Sam gasped.

"You know what you fuckers like!" Kyle continued to shout, "You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!"

I turned to Wendy, "Hey Wendy, what's a 'Fuck'?"

Wendy shrugged her shoulders.

"Look, Mr. Visitors." Ellie glared at the aliens, "Do you have the baby brother or not?"

The aliens looked at Ellie. One of the spaceship doors opened to reveal Ike, safe and unharmed, "Help me, Doy Tair."

"Ike, jump down, now!" Kyle shouted at his brother, "For the love of God, Ike, jump!"

Ike shook his head, "Don't hurt me."

* * *

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

The herd of cows from before came running from the Visitors. The aliens stopped the cows. The cows mooed and shook in fear.

The middle alien raised his hand and spoke "Moo..."

The cows stopped cowering and listened.

The middle alien greeted, "**Moo... Moo...Moo...Moo... **(Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)"

The cows tilted their heads, "**Moo?** (Really?)

"Come on, Ike!" Kyle shouted to his brother, "I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!"

Ike shook his head, "Don't kick the baby."

"**Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo.** (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)" The Visitor explained to the cows.

"What the hell are they talking about?" Cartman asked.

"**Moo moo?** (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)" The middle, brown-spotted cow asked.

"**Moo moo, moo. Moo. **(Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)" The Visitor answered.

The Visitor of the left raised his hand, "**Moo...moo...moo. **(Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)"

"Ike!" Kyle shouted to his brother, who refused to move.

"**Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. **(Take this device. It is a gift from us.)" The Visitors gave the cows a strange device, that looked like a high-tech radio.

The cows looked at the machine and at each other. They gave a Visitors a thankful nod.

"Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!" Kyle told his brother.

"It's my turn!" The baby shouted.

He jumped out of the ship. Sam ran underneath and caught the baby boy, before he hit the snow. The satellite returned into Cartman's butt.

The Visitors waved farewell to the cows, "**Moo moo. Moo moo. **(Farewell cows, peace be with you!)"

They disappeared and the Mother-ship started beaming Cartman up with a tractor beam. The rope kept Cartman in mid-air.

"You guys, get me down from here!" Cartman shouted at us.

However, he farted fire again, "Ow!" The fire burned the rope and it snapped. Cartman got abducted, Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!"

Stan sighed in relief, "Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with."

Kyle nodded, "Yeah." Then smiled at his brother, "Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike."

"Oh, he fly out the sky." The Canadian baby boy mumbled.

"Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner." Kyle told his brother, then made their way home.

"Oh, yeah." Sam gasped, "We better get home too, Ellie."

Sam and I left Wendy and Stan, making our way home for dinner.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, at the Bus Stop...*_**

**Stan Marsh's POV.**

"Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around." I spoke up, as Kyle and I waited for the bus to school.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, we're running out of friends."

"Hey guys. Mind if we join you?" A familiar voice greeted.

Kyle and I looked and saw it was Ellie and Sam.

I smiled, "Sure. The more the merrier."

Sam and Ellie joined us at the bus stop. You know, this feels right. It's like the new girls were meant to be here, with us.

"I wonder what that thing was that the Visitors gave the cows." I wondered.

"I guess we'll never find out." Sam shrugged.

"Yeah, you're right." I nodded.

Then Ellie looked up. She quickly stepped aside. Cartman landed in the snow, with pinkeye in his left eye.

"Oh, hey Cartman." I greeted.

"Wow Cartman, the Visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school." Kyle smiled.

Cartman sighed and yawned, "Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night."

"Really, what about?" I asked.

"Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt." Cartman explained his dream, "And then there was... Hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye."

Kyle, Ellie, Sam and I looked at each other.

"That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened." I told Cartman.

"Oh right, why don't I have pinkeye then?" Cartman asked me in a sarcastic, matter-of-fact tone.

"Cartman, you do have pinkeye." Ellie explained, grabbing a small mirror from her backpack.

She showed Cartman his reflection. Cartman growled, "Ahh, son of a bitch!"

Sam smiled, "You know, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."


	2. Weight Gain 4000

Weight Gain 4000.

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

It was another beautiful day in South Park, apart from the downpour earlier, this morning. But a large rainbow was able to brighten the day.

It's been about a week since Cartman got the anal probe and mine and Sam's first day in South Park. It was school time and the children all took their desks, waiting for school to begin. Some of the kids were still milling about and taking off their coats.

Kyle looked over to Stan, "Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?"

Stan nodded with a smile, "Yeah, it was huge!"

"And gorgeous." Sam smiled, "Wish it stayed long enough for me to draw it into my sketchbook."

Cartman heard and shook his head, "Oh, I hate those things."

Silence. Everyone looked at the large boy in confusion. How can someone say they hate rainbows? They're beautiful.

"Nobody hates rainbows." Kyle spoke up.

Stan nodded, "Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?!"

Cartman shrugged, "Well, you know... You'll just be sitting there minding your own business..." His voice rose in agitation, "And they'll come marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass..." He started making gnashing noises with his teeth, "And you'll be all like, 'Ey! GET OUT OF MY ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOWS'!"

Again, silence and confusion. What the heck was Cartman talking about?

Finally, Stan decided to speak, "Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!"

"I'm talking about rainbows!" Cartman answered casually, "I hate those friggin' things."

"Uh... Cartman? Rainbows are those arches of color that you see during a rainstorm." I told him.

Cartman looked at me with a raised brow, then clarity washed over him, "Ohhhhhh... Rainbows." Then he nodded with a small smile, "Oh yeah, I like those, those are cool."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Sam and I stared at Cartman in disbelief.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Kenny is alive and well, strangely enough. A day after his death, he came to school, like nothing happened. No tire marks. No broken bones from the cows. No burn marks from the Visitors' craft. Nothing.

What surprises me is that no one remembers him dying, even though they saw it happen. Well... I remember. But I've decided to keep quiet about it. If this happens ten times without fail, I'm gonna ask Kenny what the heck.

"What were you talking about?!" Sam asked.

Cartman looked at my little sister, "Huh?" Then shrugged, "Oh, nothing, forget it."

Kyle shook his head, "No! What marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?!"

"Nothing..." Cartman answered quickly.

Sam and Kenny looked at me. I shrugged my shoulders. Sounds like termites or nightcrawlers, but I couldn't be certain.

Just then, Mr. Garrison arrived and hurried to the center of the classroom, with an envelope in his free hand, "Children! Children! Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month?"

The classroom was silent. Sam looked at me in confusion. I shrugged my shoulders. This essay competition must've happened before Sam and I came to South Park.

One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize!

Everyone gasped in shock and amazement. Even Stan's expression lit up.

"Wow! I knew I would win!" I heard Wendy whisper to herself with a smile.

"Gosh, Mr. Garrison. This sure is exciting!" Mr. Hat spoke up was a smile in his voice.

Mr. Garrison nodded, "That's right, Mr. Hat." He and Mr. Hat opened the envelope and read the paper, "The winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is..." He stopped and gasped, "Eric Cartman!"

Stan's expression dropped. Sam's jaw dropped in shock. Everyone was in shock.

"What?!" Wendy exclaimed.

"What?!" Cartman mimicked Wendy.

"Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award winning paper." Mr. Garrison smiled.

Cartman smiled, "Kick ass."

Stan shook his head, "That's impossible!" Then pointed out, "Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a pop-tart!"

"Yeah, I do!" Cartman argued, "Pop-Tarts are frosted."

Sam smiled in delight at the thought of pop-tarts. I shook her shoulders. Sam shook her head and returned to reality.

"Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner." Mr. Garrison explained.

"Wow." Kyle smiled, then turned to Cartman, "What did you write about, Cartman?"

"Oh... You know..." Cartman shrugged, "This and that."

"He doesn't even know what he wrote about!" Wendy shouted.

"What was your paper about, Wendy?" Sam asked.

"My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins." Wendy answered proudly.

Sam smiled, "Cool. I love dolphins."

"Well you see? You shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins." Cartman pointed out, "Dolphins are stupid."

Stan shook his head and defended, "Dude, Dolphin's are like the second smartest animal on the planet!"

"Oh, right..." Cartman chuckled, then asked, "If they're so damn smart how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?!"

"What?!" Wendy exclaimed.

"Cartman, do you even know what a dolphin looks like?" I asked, but Mr. Garrison spoke up before I could get an answer, "Wait, wait there's more!" He head the paper, "It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by..."

He stopped reading. A look of dread and and anger grew on Mr. Garrison's face, "Kathie Lee Gifford!"

The whole classroom gasped in star-struck. Kathie Lee Gifford? She's one of the biggest stars of this generation!

"Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?" Kyle exclaimed.

"And the presentation will be on national television!" Mr. Garrison finished.

Stan, Kyle and Kenny's eyes widened to the point their skulls can no longer contain them, and their smiles widened, "Television?"

After everything calmed down and school resumed as normal, the lunch bell rang and everyone gathered in the cafeteria. The boys, Sam and I grabbed our food and sat on a table and started eating.

Then Cartman spoke up, "You guys, guess what... After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous!"

"Hitler was famous too." Wendy replied, as she walked by with her tray of food.

Then Chef arrived, "Hello there, children!'

"Hey, Chef." We greeted him.

"How are my little crackers today?" He asked.

"Good." Kyle, Sam and Stan answered.

"Did you all hear about the news?!" Chef asked, "Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park!"

Stan nodded, "Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest."

"Hey!" Cartman shouted angrily.

"Yeah, Yeah, whatever..." Chef shrugged, then added, "But the Mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony!"

"Wow." Sam smiled, then asked, "Are you gonna do it?"

"Of course!" Chef nodded, "Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation."

Stan nodded and smiled, "Yeah! That'd be cool!"

"(How big's your penis, Chef?)" Kenny asked.

"Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's anyway." Chef answered with a chuckle.

I picked up a piece of mashed potato with a fork and was about to eat it, until I felt something send a chill up my spine. I put the fork down and shivered a little, hugging my arms.

Kenny must've noticed, 'cause he asked me, "(You feeling alright, Ellie?)"

I nodded and assured, "Yeah. I'm fine. Just a little chill."

"I told you, you should've worn a thicker jacket." Sam told me.

After lunch was finished, the bell rang, indicating that it was class time again. The students returned to their classrooms. To our surprise, the Mayor of South Park was present in our classroom. Mr. Garrison was sitting behind his desk. He looked troubled by something.

Our classmates and we took our seats and the Mayor spoke, "Children, as you all know, Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay."

"That kid is me!" Cartman shouted, raising his hand.

The Mayor rolled her eyes, "Whatever." Then added, "Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park."

Mr. Garrison smiled, "That'll be wonderful!" He looked at Mr. Hat, "Won't it, Mr. Hat?"

"**Kill her!**" Mr. Hat shouted in a demonic tone. "Mr. Hat!" Mr. Garrison gasped, quickly putting his hand over Mr. Hat's mouth. Another shiver crawled up my spine.

The Mayor looked oddly at Garrison and then continued, "Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play."

Mr. Garrison smiled, Oh, that's perfect!" Then he whispered to his hand-puppet, "You see, Mr. Hat? We don't have to kill her, we can just upstage her!"

Wendy raised her hand, "Mrs. Mayor? You might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated."

The Mayor rolled her eyes and shrugged, "Who cares?" Then encouraged, "Now kids, what say we give it our South Park best?!"

The class was silent. I can't say I blame half the class. Even being in South Park for about a week, Sam, our mother and I are starting to believe this place doesn't have the best reputation in America.

Then the Mayor asked, "And who's our little prize winner again?"

Cartman raised his hand and shouted angrily, "ME! ERIC CARTMAN!"

"How about we get in shape, huh?" She suggested to him, "We want to look our best for the T.V. cameras don't we?"

Cartman nodded with a smile, "Yes ma'am!" Then he started singing, "_I'm gonna be on television!_

_I'm gonna be on television!_"

* * *

**_*Later... At the Bus Stop...*_**

School was finished for the day, and the school bus dropped the boys, Sam and I off. Cartman hasn't stopped singing that teasing song to our annoyance. Agh, I want to punch him in the face so hard!

"_I'm gonna be on television!_" Cartman continued singing, "_I'm gonna be on television!_"

Stan turned to the large boy and shouted in his face, "We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy!"

"Hey, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish." Cartman told Stan.

"Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly!" Stan argued.

"Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise." Cartman pointed.

"That's tuna, you asshole!" I shouted, "Dolphins are aquatic mammals. Like whales and seals."

"Ellie's right." Stan nodded, "Dolphins are way smarter than you!"

"If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?!" Cartman asked in argument.

"DOLPHINS DON'T LIVE IN IGLOOS! THAT'S ESKIMOS!" Stan shouted angrily.

"Dolphins, tuna, Eskimos, who cares?" Cartman shrugged, "It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap!"

I started growling in anger and frustration. I could feel my face and ears getting warmer from my blood boiling under my skin and muscles.

How can this boy be so stubbornly dense?! Has he no sense of awareness or empathy for anyone but himself!?

_AAAAAAAGGGHHH!_

"Tell me what you wrote about!" Stan told Cartman.

Cartman's eyes darted around, "Uh, I can't." Then made his way to his home, "I have to go home and get in shape."

"Yeah right, you'll go sit in front of the T.V. and eat Cheesy Poofs, assmaster!" Stan shouted after him.

"Screw you, hippie!" Cartman shouted back.

"How can you friends with someone like that?" Sam asked.

"Sometimes, we ask the same thing ourselves." Kyle admitted.

* * *

**_*Later that Evening, in Ellie and Sam's House...*_**

Sam and I were gathered around the dinner table, eating supper with our mother. The meal of the evening was chicken pot pie with roasted potatoes and steamed vegetables.

Our mother, Lorraine Susan Gentry, was a very nice, but tough as nails woman of 35. Stood an average 5 foot 2 inches. Same build as Sam. Her skin was the same tone as Sam's. Light blonde hair with dark low-lights, that reached past her shoulders. Blue eyes like the sky after a storm.

She wore a white shirt under a dark green cardigan. Beige khaki pants and black sandals.

"So, how was your day, girls?" Mum asked us.

I was still working through my mouthful of vegetables, so Sam spoke, "Eventful. Cartman won the award for a 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay competition. And Kathie Lee Gifford is going to present the award in a few days."

This got Mum's attention. Her eyes widen and her jaw dropped, "Kathie Lee Gifford? What's someone like her doing coming to South Park?"

"Like Sam said, she's coming to present an award to Cartman..." I answered, finally finished my mouthful of food.

"Do you know how a boy like that won?" Mum asked.

Sam shook her head and I shrugged my shoulders, "I'm starting to think that he doesn't know." Then I muttered, "Fat, cheating bastard..."

"Eleanor, language!" Mum scolded me.

"Sorry, Mum." I apologized, sinking my head into my shoulders.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, at the Bus Stop...*_**

Stan, Sam, Kenny, Kyle and I stood at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to show up. Only a few days left until we meet Kathie Lee Gifford and Cartman receives his award for winning the competition.

Just then, Cartman arrived, "Hey dudes."

The boys, Sam and I looked at him in surprise. He was wearing a lavender tank-top with the logo of 'Beefcake' imprinted on the chest area, and carrying a large tin. He was larger than before. His stomach was starting to hang out from his shirt.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman?" Kyle asked with wide eyes, "Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?"

Cartman glared at the boy in the orange jacket, "Listen... I have a nice body and I wanna show it off! You got that?"

A second of silence and Stan spoke up, "What?! You've got to weigh ninety pounds!"

"I'm up to ninety-four, thank you very much." Cartman corrected.

"(They're the biggest breasts that I've seen.)" Kenny spoke up.

Sam glared at the boy in the orange parka, "Kenny!"

Kyle nodded in agreement, "Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's!"

Sam pinched her nose, while Stan, Kyle and Kenny laughed.

"Laugh all you want." Cartman snapped, "I'm the one who's gonna be on T.V, looking all buff.

With that, he took the lid off the tin and chowed down on some chocolate brown powder.

"What's that stuff, Cartman?" I asked.

"Weight Gain 4000." He answered, "It's helping me bulk up."

"Bulk up to what?" Kyle asked, "Fat-Ass?"

"Super-Fat-Ass?" Stan added.

Then they laughed at Cartman again. Sam looked at me.

"Uh... Cartman. I think you're supposed to put that stuff in milkshakes and smoothies." I told him.

Ignoring me, Cartman glared at his friends, "Hey! I don't have to take that kinda crap from you scrawny weaklings!"

Finally, the bus arrived. The boys, Sam and I entered the bus, but Cartman was having a hard time getting through the doors.

He smiled, "Sweet, check me out! I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door!"

Cartman took a step back and side-stepped his way into the bus. He was able to squeeze his way in.

* * *

**_*Later that Afternoon, in the Town Square...*_**

With our morning routine with rehearsing Mr. Garrison's play, the entire classroom started getting everything ready for the play of the history of South Park.

Just was we finished setting up the stage and getting our costumes and props ready, the Mayor arrives, "Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?"

Mr. Garrison blinked, "Huh?" Then he looked at the Mayor, "Oh... Fine, we were just about to run it from the top."

The Mayor smiled, "Oh, please do! I'm dying to see it!"

Mr. Garrison turned to the class, pointing to the left of the stage, "Okay, All the little Pioneers on this side of the stage."

Stan and half of the class, dressed in Pioneer outfits, made their way to the left side of the stage, behind the curtain.

Mr. Garrison nodded, "Good." Then looked at Kenny, Sam and the others, who were dressed as Indians, "And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage."

The students followed their teacher's instructions. But Clyde decided to step forward and ask Mr. Garrison, "Am I an Indian, or a Pioneer?"

Clyde Donovan is a boy from our class. He has short, light brown hair. Light brown eyes and light skin. He wears a burgundy red jacket, grayish-brown pants and dark shoes.

"Do you have a feather on your head?" Mr. Garrison asked.

Clyde looked at the headband over his head, which had a yellow feather, "Yes."

"Then you're an Indian." Mr. Garrison answered.

Clyde nodded, "Oh."

The Mayor sighed and rolled her eyes, as Clyde joined Kenny, Kyle and the other kids, dressed as Indians. We had to improvise with Kenny, since he refused to take off his parka. He wore a headband with a red feather over his hood, and a tribal poncho.

Mr. Garrison joined the Mayor in the group of chairs, for the audience. Bebe and I stood in front of the stage, as the curtain closed.

Bebe Stevens is the second popular girl in our class. She's close friends with Wendy, but doesn't say much. Curly, blonde hair. Light blue eyes and light skin. She usually wears a red jacket-dress similar to Wendy. Dark grey leggings and black boots.

But during the play, she wears a blue dress with a white apron.

"Okay, Bebe this is your line." Mr. Garrison told Bebe.

"This is the story of South Park..." Bebe spoke out loud and clear, "It begins over a hundred years ago when the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land."

The curtain opened to reveal Kenny, Clyde, Kyle and the other kids, dressed as Indians, gathered around a small, and obviously fake, Native American tent.

I tapped a Native American beat on the drum Mr. Garrison gave me for my role as the music piece. I, too, was dressed as a Native American girl. Hey, as long as I don't play a big role.

The Mayor smiled at us, "Oh, don't they look adorable?"

"Then, from the east, came the great white Pioneers..." Bebe continued.

Suddenly, Stan and the kids dressed as Pioneers came charging into the stage and started beating the heck out the kids dressed as Indians. One of the kids flipped the tent over, making it almost land on top of Kenny!

I dropped my drum and gasped, "What the-?"

"Oh my God!" The Mayor gasped in horror.

"They did it a lot better this morning." Mr. Garrison explained, casually and uneffected by the fighting seen on the stage, "They had more energy."

"The Pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands..." Bebe continued in uncertainty, trying to stay away from the fighting.

The children continued to fight. Butters was beating the heck out of Pip. All the Indian kids were thrown off stage and beaten to a pulp. Even Stan was hitting Clyde with his fake musket. The only ones trying to stay out of the fight was me, Sam, Bebe and Kenny.

The Mayor turned to Mr. Garrison, "Mr. Garrison! We cannot have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford!"

Mr. Garrison shrugged his shoulders, "Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days."

"Take THAT, you stupid Indian!" Stan shouted, as he kicked Clyde in the ribs.

"Ow!" Clyde cried loudly.

The fighting just got worse. The shouting and moaning got louder, and the kids were starting to get cuts, scrapes and even starting to see blood. Another chill ran down my spine. That's not good...

The Mayor turned to Mr. Garrison and shouted, "Mr. Garrison! This is NOT appropriate! Do you actually think that Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!"

"TO HELL WITH KATHIE LEE GIFFORD!" Mr. Garrison yelled at the top of his lungs.

Suddenly, silence. The fighting stopped and everyone stared at our teacher in disbelief. You could hear a pin drop from the silence around us.

Mr. Garrison gasped and covered his mouth in disbelief himself, "Oh my God... What have I said?"

"He said 'To Hell with Kathie Lee Gifford'!" A man shouted, pointing at Mr. Garrison.

The whole town stared at our teacher in absolute shock. Ashamed, Mr. Garrison hung his head.

"Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play." The Mayor told our teacher, pointing away from the town.

Mr. Garrison sulked and followed the Mayor's direction, making his way to one of the houses in the neighborhood.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning...*_**

Crazy day yesterday, but thanks to the Mayor, our play is now less violent and more family-friendly. Everyone in South Park were making final preparations. The Mayor was directing everyone's positions and what their jobs were.

Tomorrow was the day Kathie Lee Gifford was going to arrive and present the award.

Stan, Kyle, Sam, Kenny and I stood on the stage, still in our costumes. Cartman heaved himself up the stairs and onto the platform. The platform bulged and creaked under his weight. Cartman is twice the size he was yesterday. How much of that stuff has he eaten?

Kyle looked at Cartman and gasped, "Whoa, Cartman! Talk about wide load!"

"Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely." Cartman smiled, flexing his arms.

"You're not 'filling out nicely', you're fatter than ever!" Kyle pointed out.

"I'm not fat, I'm getting in shape!" Cartman argued.

"Cartman, you're SUCH a fat ass, that when you walk down the street people go, 'GOD DAMN IT, THAT'S A BIG FAT ASS'!" Kyle shouted in frustration of Cartman not listening.

Cartman shook his head, "No they don't, you jealous weakling!"

A random townsfolk walked by and saw Cartman. He gasped, "God Damn, that is a big fat ass!"

"'Ey!" Cartman shouted.

I felt another chill run down my spine, it caused me to shiver a little.

Sam noticed and told me, "If you're still cold, Ellie, ask the Mayor is you could wear your coat."

I gave Sam a small glare. Wendy walked onto the stage and waved, "Hi guys."

Cartman looked at Wendy and teased a smile, "Oh, look, another hippie." He gave her a peace sign, "Peace, Wendy."

"Shut up, Cartman!" Stan shouted.

Cartman smiled, "Oh." Then started singing, "Two little hippies sittin' in a tree..."

Wendy ignored Cartman and walked over to Stan, pulling him aside from his friends, and whispered, "I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this!"

With that, she left and the rest of us resumed with our play rehearsals. The Mayor made sure when things got a bit violent, that the Pioneers lightly tapped the Indians with their props.

Things were going well, until Cartman's weight caused the stage to give out and collapsed around him. Some of the students got caught in the collapse and fell into Cartman's fat and folds.

Looked like the handymen have to reinforce the stage again!

* * *

**_*The Next Morning...*_**

Today's the day. Kathie Lee Gifford arrives and our play is finally ready and rehearsed for the entertainment of South Park.

The class, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Sam, Cartman and I were waiting backstage. Of course, Cartman has tripled in size since yesterday.

"This is sweet." Cartman smiled, "The camera crews are setting up, and I'm looking totally ripped." Then he started shouting, "Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!"

Cartman slurped down some more Weight Gain 4000.

"I don't think they're gonna be able to get all of you in frame, Cartman." I told Cartman.

Suddenly, Wendy arrived. She must've been running the entire way here, she looked out of breath.

"You guys! We... We have to stop him!" Wendy told us, catching her breath.

"Stop who?" Sam asked with a raised brow.

"Mr. Garrison!" Wendy answered, "He... He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford!"

Sam and I gasped. That explained the shivers I've been getting all week. These shivers don't happen unless something bad is gonna happen.

Such as our father throwing our puppy, Cody, across the house. Our father throwing me down the stairs and shattering my legs. (Hence the leg-braces) The fire that burned down my mother's pub. And even the death of our dear friend, Kevin.

Cartman shook his head, "Oh no, you don't! You're not gonna ruin my moment of fame!"

"He's got a gun!" Wendy pointed out.

"You gotta get over this whole jealousy thing alright." Cartman told her, "Seriously, just face it, I wrote a better paper than you."

Wendy glared at the large boy, "It just so happens that I have your paper and I know why you won!"

Cartman's eyes dart around in a panic. Aha! He did cheat! He copied someone else's work and claimed as his own! That's copyright forgery, Cartman! That's against the law!

"There's something more important right now." Wendy told the rest of us, "Let's go!"

"Wendy, you've got to prioritize!" Stan told her, "What's more important? Being on TV, or some stupid assassination?!"

Wendy put on her sweet voice, "Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?"

She made a sad face at Stan. Stan started to smile and his eyes began to droop lovingly.

Kyle noticed, "Uh-oh, we're losing him."

I thought for a second and look at Wendy, "I'll help you too."

Sam looked at me, "What? Why?"

"Because I feel something bad is gonna happen, if one of us don't." I told my younger sister.

Sam rolled her eyes, "Fine. But if something happens to you, I'm not telling Mum it was my idea."

"Fine." I nodded.

With that, Wendy, Stan and I ran through the crowd of people, as Chef was singing his song for Kathie Lee Gifford, as she arrived to the stage, until we found Officer Barbrady, on the other side of the road, keeping an eye on everything.

"Officer Barbrady! Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee!" Wendy told the officer, "We have to find him!"

The Officer tilted his head, "What? You mean the teacher?" Then he rubbed his chin in thought, "Wait a minute..."

The Officer's gears started grinding, but his face went blank, :Damn! He could be anywhere! I'll send out an A.P.B!"

Then he was off to the other side of town. Wendy sighed with a sulk. I pinched my nose under my glasses.

Then Stan spoke up, "Wendy, Ellie, look!"

Wendy and I looked at Stan. He was pointing up to the book depository. From the third floor, we could see Mr. Hat is peeping over a gun barrel, that is sticking out of the window. Wendy gasped, grabbed mine and Stan's hands, and ran toward it.

We entered the building and made our way up the stairs to the third floor. Stan opened the door and shouted to Mr. Garrison, "Mr. Garrison! Stop!"

Mr. Garrison turned to see Stan, Wendy and I at the doorway. His eyes were glassed over, like he was possessed by something evil or another personality.

"Leave us!" He shouted in a deep tone, "We must finish what we have began!" He returned his aim to Kathie Lee.

"I know that she's hurt you, she's hurt a lot of people." Wendy told him.

Mr. Garrison turned to Wendy, "You... Can't know..."

"You should have won that talent show." Wendy assured him.

Mr. Garrison's face lit up, as his eyes cleared. Stan tilted his head.

I scratched my head, "What talent show? What exactly happened, Mr. Garrison?"

Mr. Garrison sat down from the window and told us what happened at the talent show, when he was just a kid. She was able to upstage him and humiliate him from the show and won the grand prize.

"And then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two dummies at once." He finished with his story.

"I understand your pain, Mr. Garrison." I spoke up, "But taking a celebrity's life is a permanent answer to a temporary problem."

Mr. Garrison thought for a second, but stood up and took aim out the window, "It is too late for me... Young Eleanor."

He aimed his rifle at Kathie Lee, who was on the stage, ready to present the award to Cartman, who Kenny, Kyle and Sam were having trouble getting the large boy on the stage.

Mr. Garrison was ready to pull the trigger, until Wendy spoke up, "You see, I've learned something today. You can't win all the time. And if you don't win... You certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because... That's the only way you ever really lose."

Mr. Garrison looked at Wendy, the rifle shaking in his hands, "You're..." He stepped away from the window and lowered his weapon, "You're right."

He started walking toward us and a warm smile started growing on his face.

Wendy smiled back, "Good..."

Then Stan, being an idiot, blurted, "Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?"

Wendy and I looked at the boy in the red puffball hat, "Stanley!"

Mr. Garrison's smile fell. His eyes turned glassy again, and he shouted as Mr. Hat, "THE BITCH MUST DIE!"

He grabbed his rifle, returned to the window and aimed it at Kathie Lee Gifford.

**~BOOM!~**

The bullet flew toward Kathie Lee. Luckily, Cartman's new weight caused the stage to collapse again. The collapse flipped Kathie Lee into the air. Cartman fell underneath the stage. The bullet hit Kathie Lee's glass bubble, but bounced off the glass and toward Kenny's head.

Kenny only had enough time to utter, "(Oh, no...)", until the bullet headshot him.

The force of the bullet threw Kenny into the air and head-first into a barrel of water. The water turned a crimson red, indicating blood and that Kenny was dead.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" Kyle shouted in a gasp.

Then Sam shouted, shaking her fist, "You bastard!"

The Secret Servicemen quickly took action and jumped all over Kathie Lee, protecting her from any more bullets, "GUN! GUN!"

The men quickly moved Kathie Lee and her bubble into the back of a Pope-mobile-like truck and drove out of the town.

"Hey! Come back!" Kyle shouted after them, "We didn't even get to do our play!"

But within seconds Kathie Lee was gone. Her entire entourage disappeared over the horizon. Stan, Wendy and I left the Book Depository.

The television production director shrugged and turned to his colleagues, "I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up."

"'Ey, wait a minute! When do I get to be on television?!" Cartman shouted after them.

"Forget it, kid." The director answered, "No Kathie Lee, no public interest."

"But I won the environmental essay contest!" Cartman squealed after them, as the television men wrapped up their equipment and drove off.

Wendy arrived to the stage and told Cartman, "You don't deserve to win, Cartman, and you know it!"

She grabbed the microphone and showed the townsfolk a very thick pile of paper, "I'm holding Cartman's award winning paper! It's actually nothing more than 'Walden' with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out and Cartman's name written in its place!"

The townspeople looked at each other in confusion and uncertainty.

I smiled and laughed at Cartman, "Ha! I knew it!"

Cartman gulped and his eyes darted around the area.

One of the townsfolk shrugged his shoulders, "Who cares?"

Another nodded, "Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone."

The other townspeople agreed and began to disperse.

"What about not holding anything against the person who wins?" Stan asked Wendy.

"Well, not if it's Cartman!" Wendy answered simply, then noticed the townspeople leaving, "Hey where are you all going?!"

Everyone left, leaving only Sam, Kyle, Cartman, Stan, Wendy and I on what's left of the broken stage.

"They don't even know what Walden is." Wendy gasped, vanquished, then shouted angrily, "I bet if Walden was a sitcom, you'd all know what it was!"

"Come on, Wendy. Kyle's mom'll make us tuna fish sandwiches." Stan assured her, as he left the stage.

Wendy thought for a second, then sighed and shrugged with a small smile, "Oh, what the hell."

Sam nodded with a smile, "Tuna sounds good to me. With lettuce and mayonnaise."

With that, Kyle, Wendy, Stan, Sam and I made our way to Kyle's home and his mother made us some tuna sandwiches for lunch. They were awesome.

* * *

_***The Next Day, in the South Park Mental Home...***_

Since it was the weekend, Stan, Kyle, Wendy, Kenny (Alive and well again), Sam and I decided to visit Mr. Garrison in the Mental Institute.

Mr. Garrison sat in a padded room with us. Mr. Hat was the one in a straight-jacket, while Mr. Garrison was only in a white t-shirt and pants.

"We hope you can come back to school real soon, Mr. Garrison." Stan assured Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison smiled warmly, "Well children, I'd love to. But the doctors say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy..."

Mr. Hat popped out from the side, shouting in his demonic deep tone, "**WE CAN STILL GET HER!**"

Mr. Garrison put his hand over Mr. Hat's mouth and sat him aside with a sigh, "I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on T.V."

Kyle shook his head, "Not Cartman, he get's to be on T.V. anyway."

Mr. Garrison raised a brow, "Really? On what?"

"You've heard of Weight Gain 4000, right, Mr. Garrison?" Sam asked.

"I believe I have." He nodded.

I switched on the tv and tuned the channel to Geraldo.

"Obesity. Adiposity. Corpulence... Whatever word you use it represents one thing... Being a big fat ass." Geraldo announced, "We have with us today, live via satellite, Eric Cartman from South Park. Who is now so obese, he can't even get out of his house."

The camera switched to Cartman lying on his bed. He has grown so big, he must weigh over 450 pounds and is unable to move. He wore nothing, but a large towel, or blanket, around his waist.

"When is this gonna be on the air?" Cartman asked.

"Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?" Geraldo asked.

Cartman smiled, "Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof." Then chanted, "Beefcake... BEEFCAKE!"


	3. Volcano

Volcano

**Eric Cartman's POV.**

Jesus! Who's bright idea was it to wake up at 5:15 in the morning to go out hunting!? I'm so tired that I want to go straight to bed, or beat the hell out of someone.

"Now you be careful, Eric. The woods can be very dangerous" My mother told me, as she gave me my backpack.

"Okay, Mom." I answered with a yawn.

Finally, a large truck pulled up the front of my house, driven by a chubby mid-aged guy dressed in hunting gear. Sitting in the passenger seat was a skinnier guy with shades and also dressed in hunter gear. In the back was Kenny, Kyle, Stan... Ellie and Sam?

What are Ellie and Sam doing joining this trip? Hunting is a man thing, not a girl thing!

"Ready to go hunting, Cartman?" Kyle asked.

Stan nodded, "Yeah, my uncle Jimbo says we got to get up there early!" Then looked at the first man, who was exiting the car, "Right, Uncle Jimbo?"

The man, Uncle Jimbo, nodded, "That's right, Stanley, animals are much easier to shoot in the morning!"

"What are those two doing here?" I asked, then shouted, "Hunting's a guy thing!"

Ellie pinched her nose under her glasses.

"Mum said going out hunting will get us out of the house for the weekend." Sam explained, "Besides, I love camping in the woods."

"Here, hon, I packed you some cheesy poofs and Happy Tarts." Mum told me, as she gave me a brown bag of food.

I took the bag and made my way to the back seat of the truck.

"Don't worry, Ms. Cartman, we'll take good care of him." Uncle Jimbo assured, "I brought my old war buddy, Ned, to keep things safe."

The other man, Ned, raised a voice box to his throat and greeted in a robotic voice, "Hello Ms. Cartman, how are you today?"

I entered the car and Mum leaned in by the window with a smile, "Be sure to use lots of bug spray. And if you have to poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy."

The guys laughed at my humiliation.

I glared at my mother, "Dude, that's sick, Mom!"

"And I know it can get scary up in those woods..." Mum told me, "But just remember, Mommy's not far away."

The guys laughed at me again.

"Drive! Drive!" I told Uncle Jimbo, eager to get away from the embarrassment.

"You give your Mommy a kissy." Mum told me, leaning in to kissing me on the cheek.

"Drive the car! Damn it! Drive!" I shouted.

* * *

**Eleanor's POV.**

Uncle Jimbo re-entered the car, started the engine and drove down the street. Cartman looked back to watch his mom waving goodbye.

"Don't get scared up in the mountains, Cartman." Kyle teased, sounding like Cartman's mother.

"Shut up!" Cartman shouted, "I'm not scared of nothing!"

"Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman." Stan teased.

"(Maybe she'll suck my dick.)" Kenny teased.

"Kenny!" Sam glared at him.

Uncle Jimbo laughed, "Ho ho, that's disgusting!"

Cartman glared at Kenny, "You piece of crap!" Then punched him in the face, "I'll kill you!"

Kenny fights back and the two boys get into a fight in the back seat.

Uncle Jimbo smiled, "That's the spirit, boys! Let's get that testosterone flowing!"

Cartman and Kenny continued to pound the shit out of each other.

"Now boys, girls, I need to get serious for a minute." Uncle Jimbo told us, calming Cartman and Kenny, "I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting since this is your first time."

The boys, Sam and I listen attentively.

"First of all, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on." Jimbo explained the rules, "Second, don't shoot anything that looks human, and third never spill your beer in the bullet chamber."

"Uh, Mr. Jimbo, we don't drink beer." I told Uncle Jimbo.

Jimbo raised a brow in disbelief, "You what?"

Ned put the voice box to his throat, "Oh yeah, that's right, I don't think 8-year-old kids drink beer."

"I like chocolate milk!" Kyle spoke up.

Sam nodded, "Me too."

"Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip." Uncle Jimbo assured, as the truck rode through the town, "After all, hunting sober is like... Fishing... Sober. It sure will be nice to get out of the city for a while. Away from civilization."

Uncle Jimbo drove the truck to the end of town and up the road, to the forest just outside of the mountain. Let's just say the drive over was ridiculous short.

"Well, here we are!" Jimbo told us.

The boys, Sam and I exit the truck, while Jimbo and Ned exit and made their way to the trunk of the truck.

"Okay, each of you young'ins take a gun, a beer and some smokes." Jimbo told us.

Ned divided the supplies and gave us each a gun, a can of beer, and a pack of cigarettes. All of us were carrying a different rifle each, but Cartman only had a can of beer and a pack of cigarettes.

"'Ey, I didn't get a gun!" Cartman complained.

Jimbo gave him a black AK-47 rifle. Cartman smiled, "Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam."

"You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!" Stan pointed out.

I shrugged, "Reincarnation is possible, Stan."

Sam nudged me again.

"Were you stationed in Da Nang?" Ned asked Cartman.

"Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned." Stan explained to the veteran, "You can't believe anything he says."

Cartman heard him and aimed his rifle at Stan, "'Ey! I'll blow your friggin' head off!"

Jimbo noticed what Cartman was doing and took his can of beer, "Hey, look out son, that's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!"

With that, Jimbo and Ned ventured further into the forest. The boys, Sam and I followed close behind them. Of course, our weapons were quite heavy to carry.

Stan turned to us, "My Uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa!"

Kyle smiled, "Wow, that'd be cool!"

"My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa." Cartman muttered under his breath.

"That's why those people are called Africans, Cartman." Sam told him.

"I thought that was your people." He answered.

"We're British. Not African." I replied.

Suddenly Jimbo alarmed us, "Boys! Lookie there!"

The boys, Sam and I gathered with Jimbo and Ned. A cute, fuzzy, little black bear cub sat on a rock, in a nearby clearing, licking its paws. It was adorable.

"That there's a Rocky Mountain Black Bear." Jimbo explained, "One of the few remaining of its kind. Isn't it beautiful?"

The cub looked at us. I smiled and waved my hand. The cub smiled back and mirrored me.

"My God! It's coming right for us!" Jimbo suddenly yelled.

With a swift motion, he grabbed his rifle and fired at the cub. A bullet hit the poor cub square in the heart. The cub fell off the rock, dead.

Sam and I gasped in shock and disbelief. Stan's uncle just shot a defenseless animal without mercy!

"Hey! It wasn't coming right for us! It was just saying hello!" Stan gasped.

Jimbo quickly shhh-ed his nephew, "Not so loud! Now that there's just a technicality."

"What d'ya mean?" Kyle asked.

"You see boys, the Democrats have passed a lot of laws trying to stop us from hunting." Jimbo explained.

Cartman furrowed his brows and gripped his rifle tightly, "Democrats piss me off!"

"They say we can't shoot certain animals anymore unless they're posing an immediate threat." Jimbo continued, "Therefore, before we shoot something, we have to say; 'It's coming right for us'."

Stan smiled, "Wow, you're smart, Uncle Jimbo!"

I narrowed my eyes at the man with the rifle. Excuse my language, but I have to call absolute fucking bullshit! Jimbo just kills for the sake of killing! This is why humanity is killing this planet and its innocent inhabitants!

_IT'S FUCKING WRONG!_

"Jimbo LOOK!" Ned alarmed his friend.

We looked and a beautiful doe faun came over the hill, peacefully grazing on the grass.

"Oh, it's a deer." Jimbo noticed, "Looks like about a 46 gauge, Ned."

Ned pulled out a large bazooka out of the dufflebag and gave it to Jimbo, like a golf caddy. Jimbo propped the bazooka on his shoulder. The boys, Ned, Sam and I jumped on the ground commando style.

Jimbo suddenly yelled, "IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!"

But the doe was just enjoying the grass, then looked at us.

**~BOOOOM~**

Jimbo fired the bazooka at the doe. The rocket hit the poor doe and obliterated it into a million bloody little pieces.

Cartman smiled, "Kick ass!"

However, Sam, Stan and I were completely distraught by what the hunter has just done. Another innocent animal killed by the arrogance of man.

"Did ya see that? I was imperiled by that ferocious charging buck!" Jimbo told us.

I glared at the huntsman.

It was a fucking doe and you killed it without remorse!

Then Ned alarmed, "Rabbit, rabbit five o'clock!"

Over the ridge was a little bunny rabbit hopping by.

Jimbo jumped on the ground, same style as the rest of us, "Let's move! MOVE!"

He started crawling across the ground, on his stomach. The boys, Ned, Sam and I follow suit.

Stan looked at Kyle, "Is this hunting?"

"I guess so." Kyle shrugged.

We continued to follow Jimbo and Ned, crawling across the snow on our stomachs.

"Oh, dude..." Cartman spoke up, "I'm starting to have flashbacks!"

Sam looked at the large boy, "What?"

But Cartman started darting his eyes around the area, "10-4! Pull up flank, look out for Charlies up in the trees!"

We gathered behind a group of shrubs. Ned gave Stan a double-barreled shotgun.

"This one's yours, Stan!" Jimbo told his nephew.

Stan uncomfortably took the gun, hitched it up on his shoulders and looked over the barrel, aiming the weapon at the rabbit. The little cute bunny looked up, saw Stan and smiled with a wave. Stan paused.

"It's comin' right for us!" Jimbo shouted.

"It's coming right for us!" Ned repeated.

Stan took a deep breath and steadied his weapon, aiming it for the rabbit's head. The rabbit just tilted its head and gave Stan a cute little twitch of its nose.

"Shoot it, Stan!" Kyle told his best friend.

"I got your back, soldier!" Cartman told Stan, still in a state of his 'flashbacks of Vietnam'.

Stan looked over the barrel again, took a breath and lowered the gun, "I can't..."

The rabbit smiled at Stan and hopped away into the woods.

"What the- What's wrong with you?!" Jimbo asked his nephew, lost for words.

"I don't wanna shoot the bunny." Stan answered.

Jimbo glared at him, "What the hell are you talking about, you don't want to shoot the bunny? You're babbling, you're not making any sense! You're hysterical!"

"I'm not hysterical." Stan argued, "I just don't want to shoot the bunny."

"No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree hugger!" Jimbo shouted.

Cartman nodded in agreement, "Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you can't shoot anything!"

Stan glared at the large boy, "I can shoot you fat ass!"

From my hand, resting on the snow, I felt slight trembling in the ground. Like a small earthquake, or something was moving underneath us.

Cartman turned to Stan and aimed his rifle at his head, "I can shoot you too."

Stan aimed his double-barreled gun at Cartman's stomach, "I'll kill you!"

The trembling grew a bit more violent.

Cartman's hand was over the trigger, "I'll fill you full of lead."

"Guys, do you feel that?" I asked.

"Do we feel what?" Sam asked me.

Suddenly, the ground shook violently. Smoke was starting to rise from the mountain on the other side of the forest.

"Hey, what's that?" Kyle asked.

The shaking subsided and everything calmed down.

Jimbo shrugged his shoulders, "Probably nothing. You'll get these tremors every now and again, when you're in the woods." Then he encouraged, "Come on. We need to set up camp. There's a clearing not far from here."

With that, the boys, Sam and I followed Jimbo and Ned to the clearing.

I looked at Sam, "I think we should head home. I don't like hunting in the woods."

Sam nodded, "If we kill another innocent animal, we're outta here. Okay?"

I nodded in agreement.

* * *

_***Later that Night...***_

With everyone finally set up camp, it was time for supper. Jimbo, Ned, the boys, Sam and I were sitting around a small campfire, trying to cook some hot-dogs. Unfortunately the fire wasn't cooperating with us.

"My wienies won't cook!" Cartman complained.

Ned raised his voice box to his throat, "This wood won't burn."

"Well Ned, looks like we'll have to use the ol' Indian fire trick." Jimbo suggested, taking a swig of his bottle of gin.

Ned nodded, "Yepper!"

Ned jumped up and grabbed a huge can of gasoline from the truck. He walked over to the fire, leaving a trail of the fluid behind him, and doused the fire with gas. The flames explode about 50 feet high! The fire traveled into the can of gas and explode, catching Ned on fire.

Ned ran around the clearing, screaming in pain, "AAAGGGHHH!"

Jimbo laughed at his war-buddy, "HA, HA! HEY, STOP, DROP AND ROLL, NED! HA, HA!"

Ned dropped to the ground and rolled around in the snow. Unfortunately, he caught the trail of gasoline and lit it on fire. The flames followed the trail and flow underneath Jimbo's truck, igniting it into a blazing inferno.

**~KABOOM!~**

Jimbo's truck exploded in a huge fireball.

"Whoa!" Stan, Kyle and Sam gasped in awe.

Jimbo glared at his war-buddy, "Godammit Ned, I just got that van! How the hell are we supposed to get home?"

But Ned was too busy to apologize, since he was still burning and rolling in the snow, "Oh, it hurts! It hurts!"

Ned gave up and collapsed on the ground, still burning. Cartman puts his stick of hot-dogs over Ned's burning body, "Hey you guys! This works pretty good right now!"

Sam rolled her eyes and sighed, while I pinched my nose under my glasses.

Sam walked over to Ned and placed her hand into the snow. Her hand emitted a soft, orange glow and the snow around Ned melted into water and grass. The water doused out Ned's flames.

Cartman frowned, "'EY! I was cooking those, dammit!"

Stan smiled at Sam, "Wow, Sam. That was incredible."

Kyle nodded and smiled, "Yeah. Where did you learn to do that?"

Sam put her hands behind her back with a smile and a blush, "I've always been able to do it. It's a gift."

Kenny looked at me, "(Can you do that, Ellie?)"

I shook my head with a sulk. My sister is special. I'm just crippled from the waist down.

Kenny gave a hand of comfort over my shoulder. I felt my cheeks warm up, and hid my face under my scarf.

* * *

**_*A Little Later, After Supper...*_**

With supper done and dusted, it was time for ghost stories. Right now, it was Jimbo's turn. And he was telling a story about the Vietnam Wars.

The boys, Sam and I listened intently to Jimbo as he told his ghost story, "And then Ned picked up the grenade and BOOM! Blasted his arm clear off!"

The boys, Sam and I shuddered at the thought, while Ned smiled.

"We spent three hours looking for that damn arm. But it was never to be found!" Jimbo finished his story, "Some say it's still crawling around to this day!"

Suddenly, Ned grabbed Cartman by the shoulder with a prosthetic arm, "RAAWWR!"

Cartman jumped to his feet, took five steps back and screamed like the girl from the shower scene from Psycho.

Ned, the boys, Sam and I laughed.

Jimbo laughed and pointed at Cartman, "Ha, ha! Got'chya!"

Cartman calmed down, sat next to Stan and nervously chuckled, "That's not scary..."

"You were scared, Cartman!" Kyle pointed out, "You almost peed your pants!"

Cartman glared at him, "SHUT UP! I DIDN'T PEE MY PANTS!"

"Hey Ned, hand me that gin." Jimbo asked his friend.

Ned dug his hand into the cooler and threw Jimbo a bottle of gin.

Jimbo looked at the rest of us, "You boys want to tie one on?"

Stan shook his head, "No, no thanks. That stuff tastes like pee."

Kyle nodded with a humored smile, "Yeah, Cartman's pee."

Cartman glared at them, "Oh, you would taste my pee."

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Jimbo asked in shock, "Can't you handle a little alcohol?"

I shook my head, "Sorry, Mr. Kern. 8-year-olds are not allowed alcohol until we're 18 or 21. It's against the law for minors to drink."

Being a daredevil, Kenny grabbed the spare can of gasoline and drank it from the nozzle.

Jimbo gasped in shock, "Christ! Look at the little bastard go!"

Kenny finished the can with a small hiccup.

Jimbo smiled, "Now you see that Stan? Now- Now that is a dirty little bastard."

Stan slouched his shoulders and sulked, "Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too."

I looked at Kenny in worry, "You're alright, Kenny?"

Kenny nodded, "(I'm okay. It tastes like apple juice.)"

Sam looked at Kenny in shock, "Apple juice? What the heck was in that can?"

Then Cartman smirked, "Hey you guys... I know a scary story."

Kyle shook his head, "Shut up, Cartman, you can't scare anybody."

"Oh yeah? Have you guys ever heard of..." Cartman shined a flashlight under his face to make himself look scary, "Scuzzlebutt?"

Sam raised a brow, "What-tle-butt?"

"Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain and kills anybody who dares climb to the top." Cartman answered in a spooky tone.

"Why?" I asked.

Cartman looked at me, "Because it loves the taste of blood! And likes to add pieces to its deformed body!"

This story caught Stan, Kyle and Kenny's attention, as they gathered around Cartman with Sam and I.

"Deformed how?" Kyle asked.

"Well, on his left arm, instead of a hand he has..." Cartman started, but Stan cut him off, "A hook!"

"A knife!" Kyle guessed.

Cartman shook his head, "No!" The answered, "A piece of celery."

I raised a brow, "Celery?!"

Cartman nodded, "Yes, and he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing... And where his leg should be, there's nothing but... PATRICK DUFFY!"

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Sam and I looked at each other in confusion. A monster with a celery hand and a leg of Patrick Duffy? That's not scary, that's just mean.

Kyle glared at Cartman, "Patrick Duffy?!" He shook his head, "Dammit, Cartman, that's not scary!"

Cartman raised a brow, "What do you mean? Have you ever seen 'Step by Step'?!"

The boys though for a moment. Sam and I shook our heads. Step by Step wasn't a very popular movie in England. Braveheart was, though.

Cartman returned to his story, "So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights, you can hear him weaving his baskets..." To add dramatic effect, he made a sound with his teeth, "Ka-shink... Ka-shink... Ka-shink..."

I shook my head. Sam glared at the large boy, "Cartman, that story was complete crap!"

Stan nodded and took the flashlight from Cartman, "Yeah, gimme that flashlight!"

Suddenly, I felt another rumble in the ground, "Guys! You feel that?"

Kenny placed his hand on the ground. He gasped, "(Hey! What's that?)"

The ground shook violently again for a couple of seconds. Sam held close to me in fear and worry.

"What is that?" Kyle asked, as the rumbling and shaking subsided.

"Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to weave us into wicker baskets!" Stan guessed with a small smirk.

Cartman gasped in fear, "HEY! It might be!"

"Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with his celery hand." Kyle played along.

Then we all started laughing.

Taking the laughter as an insult, Cartman shouted angrily at us, "SCREW YOU GUYS! GO TO HELL!"

"Already there, Cartman." I answered.

Sam yawned, "Well... I'm getting tired." She took hold of my hand, "Ellie and I will see you guys in the morning."

Jimbo nodded, as he tuned his acoustic guitar, "Alright. We'll see you girls in the morning."

With that, Sam and I entered our tent and tucked ourselves into our sleeping bags. Sam fell asleep in seconds. However, I just sat in my sleeping bag, unable to sleep.

I don't sleep well during the night. That's why I have these bruises around my eyes. Sometimes it's night terrors. Sometimes it's voices screaming at me. Sometimes I just can't sleep. So I just lay in bed, awake or just sit on the roof to stare at the stars.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning...*_**

**Samantha's POV.**

I woke up to the sound of things moving and metal clicking together. I opened my eyes to see that Ellie was packing her backpack and was about to put it on her back.

"Ellie? What are you doing?" I asked, groggy from just waking up.

"I'm going home." She answered, "I can't take it anymore."

"Why?" I asked, rubbing my eyes, "What's wrong?"

"Kenny, Mr. Kern and Mr. Ned are fishing." She answered.

I shrugged, "That's not too ba-"

"They're throwing grenades into the water." She finished in a deadpan tone.

Without a second thought, I jumped out of my sleeping bag, packed my things and got ready to leave with my sister.

Hey, I promised my sister if Stan's uncle kills animals in an unor- Unorthu- Unoreo- A very bad way for the third time, then Ellie and I are heading home first chance we get. And using grenades for fishing was crossing the line.

Ellie and I were about to leave until Kyle came running toward us. He looked a bit out of breath.

"Kyle, what's wrong?" I asked.

Kyle caught his breath and looked at us, "Ellie. Sam. Have any of you seen Cartman? He wasn't in his tent."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Sorry, no."

Ellie shook her head, "Haven't seen him since the tremor."

Kyle tilted his head, "What tremor?"

Ellie gave the orange-coated boy a deadpan look, "You're kidding, right..."

Then Kyle noticed our backpacks, "Are you two going somewhere?"

I nodded, "Yeah. We're going home."

"Why?" He asked.

"This camping trip was not what we imagined, Kyle." I answered, "We're supposed to not harm innocent animals. So, we're going home."

Before Kyle could protest, or Ellie and I could take another step, Jimbo, Ned, Kenny and Stan came along and looked at us. Ellie pinched her nose with a disgusted look on her face.

"Come on, you two. We gotta find that fat kid before he hurts himself." Jimbo told us.

Ellie and I sighed and sulked. So much for trying to get home before anyone noticed.

With that, Ned, Jimbo, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Ellie and I were traipsing through the mountains, trying to look for Cartman.

"Well, he couldn't have gone far..." Jimbo suggested, as he looked for tracks in the snow, "Unless something drug him off..."

Stan and Kyle looked at each other in concern.

Ned noticed something and raised his voice box to his throat, "There's not many animals out today, Jimbo."

Jimbo noticed and looked around, "Yeah, it's almost like something funny's going on..."

I looked at Ellie. She stayed quiet with a tired look on her face. She didn't get any sleep last night! Again! Suddenly, the ground shook again. A little more violently than last night.

Jimbo looked at his war-buddy, "Christ Ned, what'd you have for breakfast?"

Ned shrugged, "I don't know man, I've got some bad gas."

Then Jimbo noticed something on the ridge, "Wait! There's a ram!"

Right in front of us was a young ram. The ram stopped grazing and looked at us. I looked into its eyes. It felt like it was telling us to run. Something bad was gonna happen.

Suddenly, Jimbo shouted, "It's coming right for us!"

He grabbed his gun and aimed at the ram, but the ram was already turning into Swiss cheese. It turned out Kenny beat him to shoot it down.

Jimbo smiled at Kenny, "Nice shooting, Kenny! Here, you need a bigger gun!"

He grabbed Stan's large rifle and Kenny's smaller rifle, then switch them. Stan glared at Kenny in anger.

That's it! I threw my arms into the air, dropped my gun into the snow and started walking, "That's it! We're going home!"

I grabbed Ellie's hoodie, forcing her to follow me. "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" She yelped, as she followed me close behind.

Suddenly, Kyle saw something up in the ridges and pointed toward it, "Look!"

We followed his direction. On top of the ridges was a strange creature. It was covered in a brown blanket. A pot over its head. A branch in its left hand and piece of asparagus in the right hand.

"I am Scuzzlebutt!" The creature called in a familiar voice, "Lord of the Mountains! Behold my Patrick Duffy leg."

"What is it?" Ned asked in fright.

"Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt!" Kyle exclaimed, "Cartman wasn't lying!"

I looked at my older sister. She was staring at the creature with narrow eyes. As if she didn't believe what she was seeing, or she's having a rough time trying to see it. Most likely the former because she was wearing her glasses.

Jimbo gasped, "Holy crow!" Then smiled, "We could make a mint killing this thing!"

Ned nodded in agreement, "We'll be on the cover of Guns and Ammo!"

"This calls for some HJ-14!" Jimbo told his friend.

Ned nodded and reached into his backpack. Inside was a shoulder mechanism for two large rockets. He strapped them on Jimbo's shoulders.

Kenny, Ellie, Stan, Kyle and I quickly ducked into the snow and covered our ears.

"Fire in the hole!" Jimbo shouted.

**~SSSHHHZZZOOOMMM!~**

Jimbo pulled a cord and the rockets flew toward the creature at great speed.

"Holy crap!" The creature shouted, then jumped to the side.

The rockets just narrowly miss it and hit the large rocks, behind the creature, with a very loud and deafening boom!

"Dammit, I think I missed!" Jimbo muttered.

"What the hell is wrong with you people?!" The creature shouted angrily at us.

Jimbo started climbing the mountain, "Come on, let's move! MOVE!"

The others followed after him.

"Hey wait!" The creature shouted, then started running away.

Good. This is our chance to get away from all this madness!

* * *

**_*Meanwhile, at a Mountain Rescue Base Camp...*_**

**Lorraine Gentry's POV.**

Here we are, just camped on the base of Mt. Evanston. Every townsfolk has gathered around the Mayor and Randy Marsh, Stan's father.

"Is it on?" The Mayor whispered to the cameraman. The man nodded, "OK." The she acted desperate, "Okay, people! Form groups and search the mountain! Report back here every hour! You got that?"

Then Randy turned to her, "Mayor! I might have an idea!"

The Mayor looked at the geologist, "Oh, what?"

He showed her a map. "If we can dig a very large trench, we can divert the lava into a Canyon! And then it would bypass South Park pretty much completely!"

"And... That would be good, right?" The Mayor asked.

Randy nodded with a small smile, "I'm pretty sure!"

The Mayor smiled, "Well what are we waiting for?" Then called out to the townsfolk, "Okay, people, change of plans! Half of you grab shovels!"

Half of the group grabbed a shovel each and, under the Mayor's instruction, started digging a large trench at the foot of the mountain. The other half of us was instructed to look for any signs of the camping children, Jimbo, Ned or anyone stranded on the mountain.

Given time, the trench was already wide and deep, but the Mayor was not taking any chances. So, before the rest of us to start our search, Officer Barbrady was instructed to show us an tutorial video.

"Okay people, listen up!" Barbrady told us, as he opened a large white projection screen, "As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety." Then looked forward, "Mr. Garrison, if you would please."

Mr. Garrison started up the projector. The film started to show it was of 50's style animation and music. Including the narrator, who sat on an old oak desk, with his arms folded.

"Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress; And a volcano is no exception." The Narrator explained, "But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family?"

The screen cut to a 50's styled family of a mother, father, oldest daughter and youngest son, having a picnic on the field.

"Here we see the Stevens family enjoying a Sunday picnic." The Narrator continued, "But suddenly, Daughter hears a noise."

The family looked around, wary and concerned.

"It's a volcano." The Narrator answered. The son shook and huggled close to his sister, "Junior seems worried. But have no fear, Junior, Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt."

The daughter, Jane, smiled and covered her family in the picnic blanket.

The Narrator nodded with a smile, "That's right, Jane. Duck and cover."

Lava arrived and flowed over the covered family, like water in a river. The family emerged from the blanket, after the lava left, safe and sound.

I folded my arms and furrowed my brows. That's complete bullshit! Everyone knows lava is molten rock found in the center of volcanoes. It's so hot that you can lose your hand as soon as you touch it!

This town is inhabited by idiots...

The screen cut to two boys cycling down a suburban street, as the Narrator continued, "So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting?"

The ground shook. The boys quickly jumped off their bicycles and ducked near a tree and covered their heads.

The Narrator nodded, "That's right. Duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea."

More people ducked and covered as lava passed harmlessly over them.

The Narrator finished the tutorial, "Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye."

With that, the filmstrip ended with a copyright disclaimer from 1952.

Mr. Garrison turned off the projector and Officer Barbrady asked us, "Okay, any questions?"

Chef raised his hand and shouted in anger, "That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pigcrap I have ever seen!"

I nodded, "I agree! Absolute bullcrap!"

Barbrady glared at me and Chef, "That's enough out of you!"

Then a familiar voice shouted from a distance, "Mum! Mum!"

I gasped in recognition, "Sammie?"

I walked over to the trench. On the other side were Ellie and Sammie.

"Mum! We can't get across!" Sam shouted, waving her arms.

"What are you two doing here, away from Jimbo and Ned!?" I shouted at them.

"Trying to come home!" Sam answered, "Mr. Kern and Ned are wasting weapons on harmless animals."

Ellie nodded, then shouted, "They don't even know about the volcano!"

Sam looked at her sister in confusion, "What volcano?"

* * *

**Eleanor's POV.**

My younger sister looked at me in confusion, "What volcano?"

**~BOOOOOM!~**

Without a second to answer, Mt. Evanston blew its top and lava poured out and flew over the campsite. Ash clouded the sky, making it snow ash and the sky darkened.

"That volcano..." I answered.

Everyone started running around in a panic, trying to avoid the flying lava rocks.

From behind me and Sam, I heard screaming and shouting.

Then a familiar voice shouted, "What the hell is this trench doing here? We can't get across!"

On our left was the boys, Jimbo and Ned... Wait. Where's Kenny?

Our mother ran over to the Mayor and asked her to do something, but the Mayor was too busy with her acting for the news reports. Such a drama queen.

"HELP!" Cartman screamed, as the river of lava flowed closer toward us.

Suddenly, something appeared from the woods.

It was a large creature that stood about 9 - 10 feet tall. His body was covered in brown fur, with a darker brown mane. Black nose. Pointed ears. Dark eyes and a sharp overbite. Its left hand was a stalk of celery and its right right leg was in the form of Patrick Duffy.

It was Scuzzlebutt!

Sam screamed and hugged close to me.

"Jiminy Poke! It's the real Scuzzlebutt!" Jimbo gasped.

"What?!" Cartman exclaimed, "Scuzzlebutt's real?!"

"Oh my God! Look at his leg!" Kyle exclaimed, looking at the creature's leg.

The Patrick Duffy leg smiled at the boys, "Hi, kids. I'm T.V.'s Patrick Duffy."

Scuzzlebutt approached the boys menacingly.

"Quick, Ned! Shoot it!" Jimbo shouted at his head.

Ned aimed his rifle at the creature, however, his weapon was empty, "Oh no! out of ammo!"

The creature continued to approach and the lava was flowing closer to us, melting the snow and burning the trees along the way.

Kyle turned to Sam, "Sammy, try using your ability to move the lava away from us."

Sam shook her head, "I dunno how!"

"Well, boys... I'm sorry I got you all killed." Jimbo apologized.

Scuzzlebutt did something unexpected. He grabbed a tree and ripped off the leaves. Kyle screamed, and Sam hugged closer to me.

At lightning speed, Scuzzlebutt weaved a large wicker basket and smiled at us.

A smile of relief grew on Kyle's face, "Whoa, he built a wicker basket."

Jimbo smiled, "Hey! He's saving us!"

With that, the mountain yeti picked each of us up and put into the basket. With a large, strong branch, Scuzzlebutt lifted the basket and carried us to the other side of the trench.

"Scuzzlebutt saved the day!" Ms. Cartman cheered with a smile.

The volcano calmed and stopped erupting. The geologist, Stan's father, looked over the lava flow, "And my calculations worked! The lava is following the trench into the Canyon!

The Mayor looked over the map and asked, "Hmnn, Where exactly does the Canyon go?"

The eologist just shrugged his shoulders. The Mayor just rolled her eyes.

"South Park is saved!" Mr. Garrison cheered, as the volcano returned to its dormant slumber.

Stan looked over the trench and noticed, "Hey look, Kenny's okay."

From an untouched part of the forest, on the other side of the trench, Kenny emerged, unharmed.

Kenny waved and smiled, "(Hey guys. What's going down?)"

"And now these humble people can rejoice and celebrate their jovial victory over nature." A news reporter reported as the citizens of South Park rejoiced and celebrated over their victory, "I'm getting word that the Chef of the school cafeteria wants to sing a song about this thrilling struggle of humanity."

Music kicked in, Chef started to sing,

'_Mmmm,_

_Baby, every time that we kiss,_

_Hot Lava!_

_And every time we make love, hot lava,_

_Hot Lava!_

_Lava so hot it makes me sweat,_

_Lava so warm and red and wet,_

_Lava!_

_Brrrrrrrrrr!_'

The TV Anchor walked to the Mayor, "Mayor, what do you have to say about this wonderful outcome?"

The Mayor nodded, "Well, we owe everything to this friendly, yet misunderstood creature." She walked over to the mountain yeti, "Thank you, Scuzzlebutt."

Scuzzlebutt leaned down, plucked a flower and gave it to the Mayor. Scuzzlebutt starts to make a noise... A word is audible, "...Friend."

The Mayor took the flower and blushed, "Oh, how sweet!"

Suddenly, Stan walked up to Scuzzlebutt. Scuzzlebutt looked at Stan and smiled sweetly at him. Stan grabbed a nearby riffle and shot the mountain yeti through the forehead.

Scuzzlebutt fell to the ground, dead. Everyone gasped in shock, dismay and disbelief.

Stan smiled and jumped for joy, "I did it! I did it! I finally killed something!"

"Oh my God! What has he done?!" The News Anchor gasped in shock and disbelief.

"Turn off the cameras." The Mayor told the cameramen.

Stan smiled and shrugged, "Hey! That was easy!"

"NOOOOO! Why, God, why!?" Scuzzlebutt's Patrick Duffy leg shouted with the last ounce of its life.

Sam glared at Stan, "STAN, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WERE YOU FUCKING THINKING?!" Then started shouting in frustration, "YOU STUPID, IGNORANT, FUCKING, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, MOTHER FUCKER!"

Mum looked at my angry sister and exclaimed, "Samantha Elise Carter! Language!"

Stan tilted his head in confusion.

"Dammit, Stan! You shouldn't have done that!" Jimbo told his nephew.

"What? Why?" Stan asked.

Kyle nodded in confusion, "Yea, make up your mind dude."

"Stan, some things you kill and some things you don't." Jimbo explained, "See?"

Stan shook his head, "No."

"Only now in this late hour do I see the folly of guns." Ned spoke up in forlorn, "I'll never use a gun again."

Ned dropped his riffle and the gun's triggered was pulled by the snow. The riffle fired and shot Kenny in the chest. Kenny fell to the ground in a pool of his own blood. That's three...

"But I just wanted you to be proud of me, like you were with Kenny." Stan sulked.

:But Kenny's dead now Stan, and you're always going to be my nephew." Jimbo explained, "And you just can't kill anything. You understand?"

Kyle blinked and frowned, "Dude, I don't understand hunting at all."

Stan nodded and dropped the gun in the snow, "Yeah, it's stupid. Let's go watch cartoons."

Cartman nodded with a smile, "Yeah, cartoons kick ass."

With that, the boys made their way home and watched cartoons. Sam was still frustrated and angry, that she spent her time-out in her room.

The rest of South Park mourned over the death of Scuzzlebutt.


	4. Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

Another day, another morning waiting for the school bus. But, this time the bus was late for some reason.

"Hey, where's the school bus?" Kyle asked, "We're gonna be late for football practice."

Sam nodded in agreement, "Yeah. And cheerleading tryouts are this afternoon."

I sighed with a deadpan look, "I can't believe you made me agree to this embarrassment."

Sam nudged me, "Come on, Ellie. You've gotta expand your horizons a bit. Just like Mum said."

I groaned and folded my arms. That's four times today that my sister used the 'Mum Says' card on me. Making friends. Expanding my horizons. Stop wearing black! The list goes on!

I put my hands behind my back and asked my sister, "But, Sam. What if they see it?"

This got Cartman's interest, "See what?"

Suddenly, a large dog arrived and sat next to Stan. Stan smiled at the dog, "Hiya, Sparky!"

"Who's that?" Kyle asked.

"That's my new dog, Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop!" Stan answered, smiling proudly.

Sam smiled, "Wow, cool!"

"He's gorgeous, Stan." I smiled.

Stan started petting his dog, "Good boy, Sparky! Who's my best buddy?" Sparky panted happily and his tail wagged, sweeping the snow, "Who's your boy? Who's your buddy?"

Cartman gagged, "Ugh, you're making me sick, dude."

Sam teased a glance, "Cat person."

"He's part Doberman, and part wolf!" Stan explained, petting his dog, "He's the toughest dog on the mountain!"

Cartman shook his head, "No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park!"

"Who's Sylvester?" I asked.

Cartman pointed to the other side of the bus stop. Sitting there, growling, was a very dirty and angry-looking bull dog sitting on the curb that looks ridiculously fierce and pissed off.

"Oh." I simply replied.

"He's not meaner than Sparky!" Stan told Cartman.

Cartman tilted his head, "Oh yeah? Let's see..." Then he called to the bull dog, "HEY SYLVESTER!

Sylvester angrily walked over to the us. Sam hugged closely to me. He and Sparky immediately growled at each other.

"Sparky'll kick his ass!" Stan told Cartman.

"I'll put a dollar on Sylvester!" Cartman smiled.

Kyle nodded, "You're on, dude!"

Sparky and Sylvester circled each other. Finally, Sparky lunged at the dirty bull dog!

Stan smiled, "That's it, Sparky kick his ass!"

Sparky hopped on top of Sylvester, and started... *Ahem*... Thrusting his hips into Sylvester's butt. The boys, Sam and I stared at the dogs in a collective of confusion.

"Huh... He's doing something to his ass." Cartman was the first to speak, "He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass."

Sparky's thrusting got faster. I was starting to feel like I was gonna vomit.

"Sparky?! Bad dog!" Stan shouted at his dog, but Sparky didn't stop.

"(Oh my God, I think they're screwing!)" Kenny gasped.

"WHAT?" Stan exclaimed with wide eyes.

Cartman nodded, "Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay!"

Stan tilted his head, "What do you mean?"

"Your dog likes male dogs, Stan." Sam answered, as the feeling in my gut got worse.

"He's just confused." Stan tried to cover up.

"I think the other dog's the one that's confused." Kyle replied.

Kenny shook his head, "(No, check his penis.)"

"Sick, shut up, dude!" Stan shouted at Kenny.

Finally, Sylvester was able to break free from Sparky and ran away, yelping and whimpering.

Cartman smiled and sang, "_Stan's dog's a homo! Stan's dog's a homo!_"

Finally, the bus showed up, stopping Cartman's bullying on Stan and his dog.

* * *

**_*Later that Afternoon, in the School's Gymnasium...*_**

Sam and I got changed into the cheerleader uniforms of the South Park Cows, and entered the Gymnasium with the other girls that applied for tryouts. Wendy, carrying a clipboard, marched in front of us.

Sam and the girls performed the most basic of cheers and performed very well. I just sat on the sidelines and refused to take part. As expected, Wendy didn't notice me and jotted down points on her clipboard. It turned out Sam passed with flying colors.

* * *

**_*Later in the Classroom...*_**

Cartman is at the head of the class, giving what appears to be a book report, "And so you see, Simon and Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television."

"Thank you for that presentation, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures." Mr. Garrison clarified, "You get a D-."

"Aw, Dammit!" Cartman growled, returning to his seat.

"Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?" Mr. Garrison asked his hand puppet.

"Well how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?" Mr. Hat answered.

Mr. Garrison smiled, "Oh, good idea." Then turned to Stan, "Okay, Stanley, you're next."

Stan stood up, "Umm... I'm not really prepared either."

Mr. Garrison shrugged, "Well, just make something up like Eric did."

Stan nodded, "Okay... Uh..." Then spoke loud and clear, "Asian culture has... plagued our fragile Earth for many years. We must end it."

Mr Garrison smiled, "Excellent! A-."

"Ey!" Cartman shouted.

Stan smiled, "Wow, cool!" Then returned to his desk.

"Wait a minute! Why the hell does he get an A-?!" Cartman asked.

"Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades, and we treat star athletes better, because they're better people." Mr. Garrison answered.

"That's not fair!" Cartman shouted.

"Life isn't fair, kiddo, get used to it." Mr. Hat pointed out.

Cartman folded his arms and pouted, muttering under his breath, "Stupid puppet."

The school bell rang to indicate the end of the day. Everyone began to leave their desks and exit the classroom..

"Don't forget your assignments tonight, children." Mr. Garrison called, "They're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan."

The only one that stayed was Stan. "Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?" Stan asked Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison nodded, "Of course Stanley, what is it?"

"What's a... homosexual?" Stan asked.

Mr. Garrison's eyes widen a little, but he took a breath and answered, "Oh... Well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person... Sit down."

Stan took a seat next to Mr. Garrison's desk. Mr. Garrison folded his hands.

"Stanley... Gay people... Well, gay people are evil." He answered calmly and softly, removing his glasses, "Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?"

"Bullshit..." I whispered under my breath.

"What was that, Ellie?" Kyle asked me.

"Nothing. Never mind." I answered clearly.

"I guess." Stan answered Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison nodded with a small smile, "Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk, Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual."

Stan looked away in uncertainty.

* * *

**_*Later, at the Bus Stop...*_**

The boys, Sam and I exit the bus at the last bus stop.

"You see me block that defense today?" Cartman smiled, "I was kicking ass."

Kyle nodded, "You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys."

Then Cartman noticed Sparky arriving, "Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog."

"Shut up, dude!" Stan snapped.

Sparky walked up to Stan. He was wearing a pink scarf around his neck, instead of a normal collar.

"Sparky! Where'd you get that pink scarf?!" Stan asked his dog.

Sparky wagged his tail and barked. Stan took the scarf off. The boys and I turned to Sam.

"He said he found it." Sam translated, then smiled at Sparky, "And yeah, it did bring your eyes out."

"Man, that is the gayest dog I have ever seen." Cartman spoke up.

"He just needs some training, that's all..." Stan answered, then told Sparky, "Sit, Sparky!"

As commanded, Sparky sat in the snow.

Stan nodded, "Good boy..." Then he extended his hand, "Now, Shake..."

Sparky gave Stan his paw and shook it.

Stan nodded again, "Good boy..." Then commanded, "Now, don't be gay."

Sparky tilted his head to one side in confusion. Stan grabbed a doggie snack from his pocket and held it out, "Don't be gay, Spark. Don't be gay."

Sparky frowned and lowered his head.

"Did it work?" Kyle asked.

Stan shrugged his shoulders, "I dunno."

"He still looks pretty gay to me." Cartman answered.

Just then, Bill and Fosse walked by.

"Hey Stan, your dog been to any pride marches lately?" Fosse chuckled.

Bill laughed in agreement, "Yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert."

Then the two laughing boys walked off, "Ha Ha, Yea." "Stupid little gay dog." "Gay dog."

Once they were gone, Stan spoke up, "Come on you guys, I have an idea!"

* * *

**_*Later, that afternoon...*_**

The boys, Sam, Sparky, and I gathered to Stan's house, where a giant box was found on the driveway.

"Okay, Sparky, we got you a present. Now, why don't..." Stan started, then noticed Sparky was wearing the pink bandana again, "Dammit Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!"

He pulled the pink bandana off of Sparky's neck and threw it into the snow, "No pink bandana, Sparky! Bad dog!" Sparky looked away, "Now pay attention, Sparky..."

Stan opened the box, and out walked a gorgeous white poodle, with pink ribbons in her ears and a sparkling diamond collar.

"This is Fifi." Stan introduced the poodle.

Fifi strut across the lawn, shaking her rump at Sparky.

Kyle smiled, "Ooh la la!"

Sparky's ears perked up in interest. Fifi walked in front of Sparky. The doberman-wolf followed after her.

"There he goes!" Cartman spoke up.

Stan smiled, "Atta boy, Spark! Get her!" Sparky hopped on top of Fifi. "YES!"

However, Sparky doesn't do what his owner hoped. Instead he grabbed Fifi's diamond collar, ripped it off with his teeth, and thew it on his neck. Stan's expression dropped to disappointment, as Sparky strut the lawn, showing off his new collar.

"Aw crap..." Stan sighed, "Now what do I do?!"

Kyle shrugged his shoulders, "Who cares if your dog is gay. Maybe it's not that bad."

Sam and I nodded in agreement, "Yeah."

Cartman shook his head, "No way, dude! My mom says God hates gay people... That's why He smote the sodomies in France."

"(I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)" Kenny pointed out.

Stan nodded, "I know, Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil... But, but Sparky doesn't seem evil."

"Of course he doesn't." Sam smiled, petting Sparky's head, "Gays are no different from us normal people."

Kyle nodded in agreement, "Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else."

"Like who?" Stan asked.

"I dunno, dude." Kyle shrugged, "Maybe Jesus?"

Kenny nodded, "(Yeah. Jesus knows a lot. He might help you out.)"

"Wait, you are talking about Jesus Christ, right?" I asked. The boys nodded, "He's a real person?"

Kyle nodded, "Yeah. He has his own show, here, in South Park."

Stan shrugged, "I guess I could ask him."

With that, Stan entered the house. Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Sam and I followed him. Stan dialed a number on the house phone and answered, "Uh, hi, Jesus? I have a dog... And he's... Uh... He's a homosexual."

He went quiet for a second, the angrily hung up the phone, "DAMMIT!"

"What'd he say?" Kyle asked.

"I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews!" Stan answered.

This caught Cartman's attention, as he left the house, "Oh! Marty's Movie reviews are on?! Kick ass!"

"Isn't there anybody who can help me?!" Stan cried in anger and frustration, "ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO CARES?!"

"Come on, dude, we have to get to practice." Kyle told him.

"It's okay, Stan. There will be someone who can help." Sam encouraged, placing her hand over Stan's shoulder.

Stan smacked her hand away, "NO! IT'S NOT OKAY! I DON'T WANT A GAY DOG! I WANT A BUTCH DOG! I WANT A RIN-TIN-TIN!"

Sam rubbed her hand and looked at Stan with sympathy. Suddenly, I felt sad and disappointed with myself. Felt like I wasn't accepted by anyone.

The next day started off normal, except for the occasional feeling of being abandoned and outcast by someone I loved. But why would I feel like that? That's just nuts!

I returned home on my own, because Sam and the boys had practice this evening. So, I ate supper alone with Mum. I gave out a heavy sigh, as I ate my meatloaf.

"What's the matter, Ellie?" Mum asked me, "You seem upset about something."

"I dunno, Mum." I answered with a small sigh, "I just feel like Stan doesn't accept me for being who I am. I tried my best to be his best friend, but he said that he doesn't want someone like me."

"Ellie?" Mum called me.

I blinked and looked at her, the feelings were gone, "Yeah?"

"Are you feeling okay?" She asked.

"I'm fine. Why?" I answered.

"Oh, never mind." She sighed, as we returned to supper of soup and toasties.

After supper, it was time to pick Sam up from Cheerleader practice. And then it was time to head for bed.

During my sleep, I dreamt that I was in a blizzard, like the one tonight. Far away from home. I looked back, and I couldn't see anything. Uncertain of where to go, I laid in the snow, hoping and praying someone would find me and not judge me.

When, in the shadows of the blizzard, I saw a large structure. I picked myself up and walked toward the structure, hoping it was not a snow-mirage. Two wooden doors opened and large man in a blue bandana scarf, Hawaiian shirt and beige pants emerged from the doors.

"Hello there, little pup. I'm Big Gay Al." The man introduced himself.

I looked around, wondering if he was talking to me.

"Have you been outcast?" Big Gay Al asked me. I nodded in confirmation, "Well then I'm so glad you found my big gay animal sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?" I smiled and followed the large man into the sanctuary, "Come on in, little fellow. Nobody will ever oppress you here..."

I blinked and opened my eyes to find myself back in my shared bedroom with Sam sleeping soundly on my left. I looked out the window and saw the blizzard and it was still nightfall.

Okay... That was freaky...

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, at the Bus Stop...*_**

Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Sam and I were at the bus stop, waiting for the bus. Then Stan arrived and walked up to us.

"Have you guys seen Sparky?" He asked, "He still hasn't come back."

"Wow, it's been like two days." Kyle gasped.

"I think he might have run away." Stan frowned.

"Did you check the shopping mall?" Cartman asked, which got him a punch in the face by Stan, "OW!"

"Well, we'll help you look for him after the game." Kyle offered.

Stan shook his head, "I'm not playing."

Kyle took a double take, "You what?"

"I'm not playing in that stupid game." Stan told us, "I have to find my dog."

With that, Stan walked off.

As if by instinct, I followed after Stan, "Wait, Stan! I'm gonna help you."

"Why? So you can tease me too?" Stan snapped at me.

I shook my head, "No. I'm okay with gays. I wanna help you find Sparky." Stan turned to me, "And I think I know where he might be."

Sam grabbed the hood of my hoodie, "Oh no, you don't. You've done the disappearing act before. I'm not letting you do another one."

With that, Sam dragged me back to the bus stop.

"Hear me, Stan!" I shouted to the ravenette boy, "Search for a large structure in the middle of nowhere! A large pink castle!"

With that, the boys, except Stan, Sam and I took the school bus to school and continued our average day.

Later, that evening, it was time for the football game against Middle Park. The Middle Park Cowboys, looking sharp in silver and blue uniforms, warm up for the game by doing stretches.

"Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond at South Park public radio AM 900, welcome to tonight's match up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows." The Sportscaster, Frank, introduced, "Well, looks like Chef, the South Park Cows' coach is a little nervous... This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up."

I lightly growled in frustration and conflict. I want to help Stan find his dog, but Sam told not to, because she thinks that I might run away. I glanced at my younger sister, who looked at me with a stern glare. I sighed and slouched my shoulders.

The referee blew his whistle and shouted, "PLAY BALL!"

Chef looked at Kyle and spoke to him. Kyle answered back, but Chef was seemed to be having none of it.

The ref blew his whistle again, and the boys head for the field, to begin the game.

"Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski." Frank announced.

The townspeople gasped and moaned about this change of events.

"That's a little odd." Mum spoke up, "Where's little Stanley?"

"He's not playing because his dog ran away." Sam answered.

"His dog? What's wrong with his dog?" Mum asked.

"Sparky's gay, Mum." I answered, "I wanted to help Stan look for him, but Sam said I'm not allowed."

Mum looked at Sam, "Samantha, that's not very nice. If Ellie wants to help a friend, let her."

"But, Mum. Ellie's done the disappearing act once enough." Sam complained.

Mum looked at me, "Go find him, Ellie. And be quick."

I smiled, "Thanks, Mum. You're the best."

I jumped down from the bleachers and made my way out of South Park Elementary, to find Stan and help him find Sparky.

After a while of journeying through the snow, I found Stan laying in the snow. I dashed toward the ravenette boy and helped to his feet, "Stan! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just difficult to see in this blizzard." He answered, then looked at me, "Ellie? What are you doing here?"

I smiled, "My mum let me leave the game, so I can help you find Sparky."

Stan's eyes lit up, "Really?"

I nodded, "Two heads are better than one, right?" Then I took hold of Stan's hand, "Now, let's find Sparky, eh?"

And so, Stan and I resumed looking for Sparky, until we reached the outskirts of town. Standing proud in front of us was a huge compound. The same compound from my dream last night. The blizzard pasted and calmed down.

Stan looked at me, "Ellie, is this the place you were talking about?"

I blinked my eyes in disbelief and nodded, "Y-yeah. This is it."

The doors opened to reveal the same man from my dream. He smiled warmly and greeted, "Hi, little fellas, how are you doing today?"

"Fine, how are you?" Stan shrugged.

The man smiled, "I'm super, thanks for asking!"

"My gay dog ran away and I was wondering if maybe he came here." Stan explained, as I put my hood over my head, as my anxiety started to build up again.

The man thought for a second, "Well... Let's see. Come on in!"

Stan and I followed the man into the compound.

Inside was a large sanctuary with swimming pools, volley ball fields and even a bar. It was like a paradise for people and animals alike.

"Do you have lots of gay dogs here?" Stan asked the man

"We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's." The man, I'm guessing was named Big Gay Al, answered. Then he pointed to a large lion, "Over here we have a gay lion."

The lion roared in greeting. I smiled and waved, "Nice to meet you too."

"And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds-" Big Gay Al showed Stan and I, then pointed to a pond, "Here's a gaggle of gay gooses."

A bunch of geese were holding wings. One blew a kiss to Big Gay Al's cheek.

Big Gay Al smiled and giggled, "Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!"

Stan smiled, "Wow, it seems like the animals here are really happy."

Big Gay Al nodded, "Of course they are, silly buns! It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves." Then he asked, "Do you like to dance?"

Big Gay Al hit a switch on the wall and loud techno music started playing. All the animals start to gyrate. I tapped my foot to the beat of the music, Stan joined the animals and started dancing.

Then Stan saw something in the lights and smiled, "SPARKY!"

I narrowed my eyes and found Sparky in the middle of the dance floor. Sparky walked over to Stan, wearing his pink bandana, happy to see Stan.

"Hiya Sparky, how's it going?" Stan greeted Sparky with a relieved smile.

Sparky smiled and barked. He looked at me and barked me over. I smiled and walked over to the happy doberman-wolf, "Hey Sparky, I'm glad you're okay."

Stan hugged his dog, "I missed you, old pal, you really had me scared."

Sparky barked happily and wagged his tail. "Come on, let's go home, I can still make it in time for the game." Stan encouraged. Sparky smiled, as we began to follow Stan, until he mentioned, "We can work on making you not gay together."

Sparky stopped in his tracks. As did I.

Stan stopped and turned to us, "Sparky?" I folded my arms and glared at the ravenette boy in the brown jacket. "What, Ellie? What did I say?" He asked me.

Big Gay Al walked up behind Stan, "Young man, it appears you still don't understand what your sister does."

"What don't I understand?" Stan asked, then realized what Big Gay Al called me, "Ellie's not my sister. We're just friends."

Big Gay Al gestured a 'follow me', "Come this way, I have to show you something."

Then Big Gay Al lead Stan, Sparky and I out of the disco room and into a large corridor, "Okay Stan, I think you and Little Nellie should get in line for my big gay boat ride."

Big Gay Al pointed to a Disneyland-esque ride with 'Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Adventure' sign above it. Little wooden boats traveled along a man-made canal, similar to the Jungle Cruise. About four people were standing in line.

"Step aboard, Stanley." Big Gay Al encouraged.

Stan, Sparky, Big Gay Al and I got on one of the little boats, which heads down the canal. Big Gay Al picked up a microphone at the front of the boat, "Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the big gay boat ride. On this adventure, we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time."

Stan blinked in confusion.

"You see, Gayness has existed since the beginning of time..." Big Gay Al started.

The boat passed a group of little animatronic cave men. Two of the cave men were holding hands, smiling happily.

"From the Egyptian Pharaohs..."

The boat passed two gay Egyptian men. They too were holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes.

"To the Shoguns of Japan..."

Then the boat passed two Shoguns in a techno dance club.

Then Big Gay Al gasped, "Oh, oh! Look out! It's the oppressors! Christians and Republicans and Nazis! OH MY!"

Three animatronics dressed respectively as a Christian, a Republican and a Nazi, beat an innocent homosexual with a pipe. Just like the jungle cruise, Big gay Al took out a fake pistol and fires blanks at the animatronics. The three animatronics fell to the ground.

Big Gay Al smiled and sighed in relief, "Hoo! Oh gosh! That was close! Okay let's steer our big gay boat out of here, and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely..."

The boat passed through two large doors, which open into a large, colorful, festive room where tons of animatronics danced and sang merrily,

'_We're all gay and it's okay! _

_'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay! _

_We're not sad anymore 'cause we're out the closet door! _

_It's OKAY to be GAY!_'

Stan looked around in disbelief. All the gay things dance, sing and do silly things.

'_It's okay to be Gay! _

_It's okay to be Gay! _

_La La La La La..._'

Big Gay Al turned to Stan, "So what do you think, Stan?"

Stan smiled, "This kicks ass!" The he looks down at Sparky, and petted his head, "I'm sorry I tried to change you, Spark. I just didn't understand."

Sparky barked and panted happily. I smiled in relief. Finally, someone else who has learned that homosexuality is nothing to be afraid of.

Big Gay Al smiled, "Isn't this precious?"

With Stan finally understanding the importance of his dog's life choice, it was time to head home. Stan, Sparky, Big Gay Al and I stood outside the Animal Sanctuary.

"Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!" Stan thanked. Sparky barked in gratitude.

"Thank you, Big Gay Al." I thanked with a small smile.

Big Gay Al smiled warmly, "No problem, kids!" Then asked, "Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?"

Stan shook his head, "No thanks, Ellie and I have gotta get back for the big football game." Then he looked at Sparky, "Come on boy."

Stan, Sparky and I turned to leave, until Big Gay Al called us, "Oh Stan! Little Nellie." Stan and I turned to look at him, "When you get back to town... Tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes desperately."

Stan and I nodded in understanding, "We will Big Gay Al, we will."

With that, Stan, Sparky and I waved goodbye and made our way to return to South Park Elementary. Our presence was made known when one of the Sportscasters announced, "It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!"

The townspeople cheered for Stan's return and Sam and Mum ran up to me.

"Ellie!" Mum exclaimed, running up to me and hugging me tightly, "Thank goodness, you're alright. I was getting so worried about you."

"Mum... I... Can't breathe!" I struggled to gasp, running out of breath from Mum's tight hug.

Mum let me go and I gasped for air. Sam walked up to me and slapped me across the face.

"Ow. I guess I deserve that?" I asked.

"You're darn right. Where have you been?!" Sam shouted, "We were worried sick about you."

"You wouldn't believe me, if I told you." I answered.

"Please. Try us." Sam dared me.

"Alright." I took a breath, "Stan and I found Sparky at a gay animal sanctuary, which is ran and owned by a nice man named Big Gay Al." I explained, "He had a boat ride and even a disco room. Everything a gay animal can live happily."

Mum and Sam blinked at me. Then Sam took hold of my hand and... "You need more sleep. You've been staying up all night again. It's not healthy, you know."

I sighed, "I knew it! You two don't believe me, do you?"

Mum shook her head, "Come on, Ellie. We'll get dinner ready, then it's off to bed for you."

I growled in frustration and followed Sam and Mum home.

Why do I even bother telling the truth, if people don't believe you?!


	5. An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig

An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

Another day, another morning waiting for the school bus to arrive. But, something was different this time around. This morning, Stan arrived with a black eye. Quite the shiner too.

"Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?" Cartman asked Stan.

"Nothing..." Stan answered quickly, then recollected himself, "I mean, I mean, nowhere."

"Your sister beat you up again, huh?" Cartman asked.

Stan quickly shook his head, "NO!"

Cartman laughed, "Yup, your sister kicked your ass." Sam sharply nudged him quiet.

"She's just pissed off 'cause she got head gear at the dentist." Stan explained, "She's taking it out on me."

"Sounds like your sister is a very violent person." I spoke up.

"She is." Stan answered.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, but that sucks you get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan."

"I would _never_ let a woman kick my ass!" Cartman answered, "If she tried anything, I'd be like 'Hey! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!'"

I folded my arms and glared at Cartman, "I beg to differ..."

"My parents don't even believe that she beats me up." Stan explained, "They think she's all innocent and sweet. But I know that she's an evil bitch."

"Be a man, Stan." Cartman told him, "Just say 'HEY WOMAN! YOU, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND MAKE BABIES!'"

Stan just rolled his eyes, then noticed something standing next to Kyle, "Hey Kyle, what's that elephant doing?"

Cartman, Sam, Kenny and I turned to see that Kyle had a full-grown African elephant on a leash.

"You mean this one?" Kyle asked, gesturing to the elephant,

Stan nodded, "Yeah."

"He's my new pet elephant." Kyle answered.

"Whoa, dude, where'd you get a pet elephant?" Cartman gasped.

"I got it mail order from Africa." Kyle answered, "The ad said it would take 4 to 6 weeks, but it only took three."

Stan smiled, "Wow, that's cool!"

Kyle shook his head, "No it's not cool! My mom won't let me keep him in the house. She says he's too big. And that its poop is bigger than our couch."

"That's why my mom got me a pot bellied pig." Cartman answered, gesturing with his hands, "'Cause its poop is small."

"(Hey you guys, I talked to Garrison and he told me that they're almost the same.)" Kenny pointed out.

Kyle nodded, "Well yeah, but pigs aren't smart like elephants."

"If you can't keep the elephant, my mum knows of a wildlife sanctuary, where your elephant can stay." I spoke up.

Kyle smiled, "Hey, that's not a bad idea."

Just then, the bus arrived to pick us up. The door opened and Ms. Crabtree noticed Kyle's elephant, "Hey, wait a minute! What is that thing?!"

Kyle and Stan looked at each other. Then Kyle answered, "Uh, oh this is the new retarded kid."

The elephant blinked. Sam and I looked at each other.

Falling for Kyle's lie, Ms. Crabtree looked at the elephant, "Oh, I'm sorry, little girl... But you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus."

Ms. Crabtree pointed to the bus behind her, which was full of handicapped and disabled children.

Thank goodness Sam and I didn't have to take the Special Ed bus. Our mum had to explain to the principal that Sam and I are completely capable of taking the normal bus, with our friends.

Kyle frowned, "Boy, it looks like you're not welcome anywhere elephant. See ya."

The boys, Sam and I enter the bus, leaving the elephant behind. Cartman was last to enter, "If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say 'Hey! You go do my laundry and'..."

"SIT DOWN, KID!" Ms. Crabtree roared at Cartman.

Stunned, Cartman quickly took his seat, "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

**_*Later, In Class...*_**

"And now, children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about Genetic Engineering." Mr. Garrison started with our lesson for the day.

Mr. Hat nodded, "That's right, Mr. Garrison, Genetic Engineering is an exciting new science. You can splice the DNA from some animals and make them better."

This seemed to interest Kyle, as he raised his hand, "Mr. Garrison?"

"Yes, Kyle." Mr. Garrison answered.

"With genetic engineering, can you make a elephant smaller?" Kyle asked.

"Well uh..." Mr. Garrison thought for a moment, "Yes I suppose you could. You could splice elephant genes with a dog or cat or pot bellied pig genes."

Kyle smiled, "That's it! I'm going to combine my elephant with a pot-bellied pig and make... POT BELLIED ELEPHANTS!"

The entire class gasped at this information.

"They'd be smart like elephants but small like pigs!" Kyle finished.

Stan smiled, "That'd be cool!"

Bebe smiled as well, "I wanna pot-bellied elephant!"

Pip nodded, "Yes, I'll pay $50 for one."

Terrance Mephesto, friend of Bill and Fosse, spoke up, "That's stupid!"

Kyle glared at the boy, "Shut up, Terrance! We can genetical engineer anything we want."

"Oh yea! I bet I can genetically clone a whole human being before you crossbreed an elephant and a pig." Terrance challenged.

"I bet you can't!" Kyle shot back.

"Watch me, plebeian!" Terrance shouted.

Mr. Garrison smiled, "Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie. Isn't this exciting, two A+ students in a cloning war!"

Mr. Hat nodded, "Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering let's us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes... like German people." Then told the boys, "You know you boys might want to visit the genetic engineering ranch outside of town for some help. And you could both use this for your science fair projects next month."

Finally, the bell rang, indicating the end of class. The class began to exit the classroom.

Kyle thought for a moment, "Genetic engineering ranch?!" Then smiled, "Sweet!"

Stan waved his hands, "Wait, wait, we still need a pig."

"We can use Cartman's pig." Kyle added.

Cartman's eyes bulged, then he glared at Kyle, "Hey! You leave Fluffy out of this!"

"We're not gonna hurt her." Kyle assured, "We just need some of her blood."

Cartman shook his head, "You're not using any of Fluffy's blood! Else I'll kick you in the nuts."

Kenny, Sam, Kyle and I left the classroom. Cartman chased after us, "Kyle! Kyle! No!"

* * *

**_*Later that Night, Outside Stan's House...*_**

Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Sam and I arrived to Stan's house, only to find Stan thrown through the window and into the front lawn.

"Ready to go Stan?" Kyle asked.

Stan looked at us, "Go where?"

"To the genetical engineering ranch!" Kyle answered, "We got Cartman's pig so we can splice its genes with my elephant."

Cartman shook his head, "Nobody's splicing nothing from Fluffy!"

Kyle and I helped Stan to his feet, and Stan dusted his coat off.

"I swear I'm going to kill you, Stan!" An angry female voice shouted from inside the house.

"I take it that's your sister, Stan?" Sam asked. Stan nodded grimly.

"Why is your sister so mean to you, dude?" Kyle asked.

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I'd be all like..." Then he shouted loudly, "'HEY, LISTEN MISSY! WHY DON'T YOU GO KNIT ME A SWEATER, BEFORE I SLAP YOU IN THE FACE!'"

"Who said that?!" A teenage girl shouted, popping her head out of the broken window.

Stan's sister was a scruffy brunette with braces and wore a white shirt and pink pants. She looked really angry from what Cartman shouted.

Kyle, Stan and Cartman froze in fear, while Sam hid behind me. Cartman pointed at Kenny. Kenny's eyes popped. I delivered a sharp nudge into Cartman's arm.

* * *

**_*Later at the Genetic Engineering Ranch...*_**

The boys, Sam and I arrived to an ominous building, Kyle had his elephant and Cartman had his pig, Fluffy.

The sign on the ominous-looking gate read 'South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch' in capital letters. Below, in smaller letters, it read 'Splicin' n' Dicin' fresh DNA since 1965'.

The boys, Sam and I looked at the large building. Thunder and lightning crashed, startling me and I hid behind Sam in fear of the thunder and lightning.

"This must be it." Kyle spoke up.

"Well, looks like nobody's home." Cartman turned around, "Guess we should come back some other time."

Kyle grabbed Cartman by the collar of his jacket, "No Cartman! We're going in there and splicing Fluffy and my elephant together."

Fluffy whined. Cartman calmed the little pig, "It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you."

Kyle rolled his eyes, "It's just a stupid pig."

Stan nodded, "Yeah, quit being such a baby."

"Baby?" Cartman repeated, then glared at Stan, "Well, at least I don't get my ass kicked by a girl!"

Kenny chuckled.

"That's not funny, Kenny." Sam told Kenny.

"Least I'm not a little pig-fucker!" Stan shot back.

"AY!" Cartman growled, then started leaving, "I'm taking my pig and screw you guys, I'm going home. This whole idea is stupid anyway!"

"What the hell would you know, you fat sweaty mongoloid!?" Kyle asked Cartman, "You never get higher than a D!"

Cartman stopped and shouted, "AY! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!"

Kyle shook his head, "There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!"

Cartman turned to Kyle and shouted, "I'll kick you in the nuts!"

Suddenly, the door flew open. Emerging from the doorway was a senior man in a yellow Hawaiian shirt and straw hat over a white bandana. In his hand was a cane with a butt for a handle. The aura he let off was quite creepy, but harmless.

"Can I help you?" The man asked us.

The boys and Sam reeled back from the man's presence. I took a step forward and spoke up, "Yes, sir. Are you Mr. Mephesto?"

The man nodded, "Yes, I am."

"We would like to crossbreed an elephant with a pot-bellied pig." I told him.

Mr. Mephesto smiled, "Brilliant idea! Huge, elephant-sized pigs!"

Kyle regained his courage and shook his head, "No, no, no. We want to make little pot-bellied elephants that people can keep in their houses as pets!"

Mr. Mephesto gasped, "Oh, that's an even better idea! Come on in!"

And so, the boys, Sam and I followed Mr. Mephesto into the building. But, Sam tugged on my hoodie and took a step away from the boys.

"What's wrong, Sam?" I asked.

"I don't like this, Ellie." She answered, "Something about this place... That man... Gives me the chills in places I never knew I had. I wanna go home and go to bed."

"But I want to see the genetic experiments. See how well genetic engineering can help the world." I replied, folding my arms.

Sam shook her head, "Nothing good with come from genetic engineering. You should know that by now."

"You two coming?" Stan called to us.

"No, thank you." Sam answered, "We're going home, before Mum finds out how late we've been gone."

With that said, Sam dragged me out of the ranch, and we made our way home, before Mum noticed we were gone.

* * *

**_*The Next Day, in the School Cafeteria...*_**

The boys, Sam and I lined up for lunch. Earlier, this morning, the boys admitted that Sam was right about the genetics lab. It turned out that Mr. Mephesto was only interested in adding asses to living animals and he even stole some DNA from Stan.

Okay. That is creepy.

"Oh, I sure am hungry." Cartman burped.

Then Pip walked up to us and asked, "'Allo gentlemen. Any of you blokes know what's for lunch today?" The boys just glared at him, "Lunchie munchies. Hmmm?"

"Go away, Pip, nobody likes you." Cartman told Pip.

Stan nodded, "Yeah, what kind of name is Pip, anyway?"

Pip just shrugged, "Well, my father's family name being Pirrip and my Christian name Phillip, my infant tongue-"

"God Damnit would you shut the hell up?!" Cartman shouted, "Nobody gives a rat's ass."

Stan nodded again, "Yeah, go away Pip."

Pip nodded, "Right-o." Then he left us alone.

"God, French people piss me off." Cartman muttered under his breath. Sam sharply nudged him him in the arm, "OW!"

"Are you guys always this mean to foreigners?" Sam asked.

Before she could get an answer, Terrance, Bill and Fosse showed up, "Hey dumbasses!" The boys turned to see him, "You morons give up on your stupid science fair project yet?"

Kyle shook his head, "No, we're already half-way done!"

"Half-way?" Terrance laughed, "Then all you've got is a stupid pig!"

Bill and Fosse chuckled, "Yeah a gay pig too!" "Stupid gay pig."

"It's more than you've got." Kyle pointed out.

Terrance shook his head, "Wrong! We've already got our human clone well underway!"

Fosse opened the bag he was holding and unveiled... A human foot! He placed it on the floor and it starts hopping around the floor.

Kyle gasped, "Oh my God! They cloned a foot!"

The foot hopped over to Cartman and kicked him in his double-chin.

Cartman glared at the foot, "Hey, I'll kick your ass."Then he kicked it into Pip's food. The foot hopped away.

"By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole human being." Terrance told us, then chuckled, "Good luck with your stupid little pig."

With that, Terrance, Bill and Fosse walked away, laughing.

"I don't like them." I noted.

Then it was our turn to see Chef.

Chef waved at us, "Hello there, children."

"Hey, Chef." Stan greeted.

"How're you doing?" Chef asked.

"Bad." Kyle and Stan answered.

Chef tilted his head, "Why bad?"

"We need to genetically engineer a pig and an elephant, but their genes won't splice." Kyle answered.

Chef nodded, "Aw, of course they wont splice children. Haven't you ever heard that song by Loverboy?" Then he sang, "'_Da'n Do-A, Pig and Elephant D-N-A Just Won't_'-" Then he paused and thought for a second, "A pig-elephant? Say, now that's a not a bad idea."

Kyle smiled, "I told you guys."

Chef smiled at the thought, "Imagine, a pint-sized elephant that you could keep in the house..." He looked at us, "Children, we could make a fortune with this!"

Kyle's smile grew, "You hear that, dudes? We'll be rich!"

"But forget all that genetic engineer-whoosa-fudge..." Chef explained, "If you want to combine a pig and an elephant, just get them to make sweet love."

Cartman's eyes widened, "What?!"

Stan shook his head, "I don't think an elephant would make love to a pig."

"I don't think my pig would wanna make love to that stupid elephant!" Cartman shouted, insulted.

"Sure they would..." Chef answered, "But you're gonna have to get 'em in the mood."

"Well how do we do that?" Stan asked.

"Do what I do..." Chef answered, "Get 'em good and drunk."

* * *

**_*Later that Afternoon, at the Bus Stop...*_**

The boys, Sam and I exit the bus and made our way home, until Stan asked us, "Hey, uh you guys wanna come over to my house?"

"We've got work to do Stan." Kyle answered, "I think it takes a while for an elephant to get drunk."

Stan looked nervous, "Really? You guys don't want to come over just for a little bit?"

Cartman noticed this, "Why, your sister gonna kick your ass again?"

"Shut up, Cartman!" Stan shot back.

"(Or are you gonna hit her with your hand?)" Kenny suggested.

"Kenny, I don't think slapping will make a difference." I yawned.

Kyle nodded in agreement, "Yeah Stan, she's just a girl."

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass I'd be like..." Then he shouted, "'HEY, WHY DON'T YOU STOP DRESSING ME UP LIKE A MAILMAN AND MAKING ME DANCE FOR YOU WHILE YOU GO AND SMOKE CRACK IN YOUR BEDROOM AND HAVE SEX WITH SOME GUY I DON'T EVEN KNOW ON MY DADS BED!'"

The boys, Sam and I stared at Cartman in confusion. Where the heck did that come from?

"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?" Stan asked Cartman.

"I'm just saying you're just a little wuss. That's all." Cartman answered with a shrug.

"Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelly." Kyle suggested, "The next time she's going to kick your ass just tell her 'Shelly, you're my sister and I love you.'"

"('And I want to see you handling your breasts.')" Kenny added.

"Kenny!" Sam shouted in disgust.

"Sick dude! She's my sister!" Stan shouted.

"Try it." Kyle told Stan, "We'll see you in a while, we've got to go get Cartman's pig."

Cartman quickly shook his head, "No you don't gotta get Cartman's pig. You leave Fluffy out of this!"

"Come on Kenny!" Kyle told Kenny.

Kyle and Kenny left the scene.

Cartman quickly chased after the two boys in orange, "Kyle, NO! Seriously! NO ELEPHANT IS GOING TO MAKE LOVE TO MY FLUFFY. Kyle, I would kick you in the nuts."

Cartman, Kyle and Kenny were gone. Stan looked at me and Sam and lightly smiled.

Getting what Stan was gonna ask, Sam shook her head, "Oh no. Ellie and I are staying out of it. This is your fight, Stan. Stay strong and fight back."

With that, Sam and I made our way home.

* * *

***Later that Night, Near Stark's Pond...***

"Come on, Elephant! Keep drinking!" Kyle encouraged the elephant.

Tonight was the night that we finally splice elephant DNA with pot-bellied pig DNA. I escaped from my house to join the boys at Stark's Pond.

The elephant and Fluffy were drinking beer from a pig tray and a keg towed on a red wagon. The elephant tiredly slurped down the beer. It belched and stumbled a little. He definitely looks drunk now.

"Damn, I wonder how drunk he needs to be to make sweet love to the pig?" Stan wondered.

The elephant looked at Fluffy, who raised her head and smiled at him. The elephant cringed and quickly started drinking more beer.

Kyle frowned, "Dammit! This is never gonna work!"

Suddenly, Chef came along, "Hello children. I thought I'd check and see how our little entrepreneurial venture is going."

"Rotten!" Kyle answered with a sigh, "They're both really drunk, but they won't have sex."

"Oh, children. You can't just stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant and expect them to do the mattress mambo." Chef explained, "You need to set the mood."

Chef pulls out a huge boom-box with a microphone attached.

I noticed the cassette and raised my hand, "Hold on, Chef. I think I've got a better song."

I dug into my backpack and got out my favorite cassette; The Lion King. I put into the boom box.

"You're gonna sing 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight'?" Chef asked me, "That song is kind of tricky. Are you sure?"

I nodded, "I'm sure."

Chef shrugged his shoulders and pressed play on the boom box. Calm soothing music started playing. The elephant and Fluffy prick up their ears. I took hold of the microphone and starting singing,

'_There's a calm surrender,_

_To the rush of day._

_When the heat of a rolling wave,_

_Can be turned away._

_An enchanted moment,_

_And it sees me through._

_It's enough for this restless warrior,_

_Just to be with you._'

Taken by the music and alcohol, the elephant and Fluffy looked at each other and started walking around each other.

'_And can you feel the love tonight?_

_It is where we are._

_It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer,_

_That we've got this far._

_And can you feel the love tonight?_ (_Tonight_)

_How it's laid to rest?_

_It's enough to make kings and vagabonds,_

_Believe the very best._'

While I was singing, Kyle noticed, "Hey, look! It's working!"

The elephant drunkenly got up on top of Fluffy. I pressed the stop button on the boom box and I put my cassette back into my backpack.

"Now children, gather 'round and watch the wonders of life, the beauty of mother nature." Chef gathered the boys and I in front of him, to see what will happen next.

The elephant rested on top of Fluffy and, like Sparky did to the other dogs over a week ago, started thrusting his hips into Fluffy. The boys and I gasped in shock and disgust.

"Oh, sick!" Stan gasped.

"Fluffy!" Cartman cried.

Chef thought for a moment and muttered to himself, "Now I know how all those white women must have felt."

* * *

**_*The Next Morning...*_**

The boys and I spent the night waiting for what will happen next after the elephant and Fluffy did their business. So far, the two animals were just sleeping off the night and alcohol.

"Aren't they ever gonna wake up?" Cartman asked.

"Oh, they will. But it's gonna be one ugly sight!" Chef answered.

"I thought you said the wonder of mother nature was a beautiful thing." Stan pointed out.

Kyle nodded in agreement, "Yeah. When does mother nature go from 'beautiful' to 'ugly'?"

"Usually about 9:30 in the morning, children." Chef answered with a casual shrug.

"It's 9:29 now." I yawned, checking my watch.

9:30 am, and the elephant groggily opened his eyes and yawned.

"Uh oh! Here we go!" Chef spoke up.

The elephant rolled over to stand up and saw Fluffy sleeping next to him. Fluffy woke up and smiled at the elephant. The elephant's eyes widen in shock, as he screamed.

Chef nodded in sympathy, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than getting all drunk and waking up the next morning next to a pig, or a big fat elephant."

Fluffy looked around in confusion. Recollection hits her and she slapped her forehead with her little hoof and sighed.

"Hey, how do we know if she's pregnant?" Kyle asked.

"Well, boys, we might not know that for a couple of days." Chef answered.

"A couple of days?" Kyle repeated, "But Terrance is going to have his human clone by tomorrow!"

Cartman rolled his eyes, "Well good job, Einstein! Why don't we just build a rocket in the mean time?!"

Kyle whacked Cartman across the face and then Mr. Mephesto arrived.

"Oh thank Bhudda, I've found you boys." He smiled, "You must tell me, have you seen anything odd lately?"

"Uh, we saw an elephant have sex with a pig." Stan answered, uncertain.

Mr. Mephesto shook his head, "No, no. I said 'odd'."

Then Chef recognized the genetic scientist, "Hey, you're that crazy cracker from up on the hill."

Mr. Mephesto folded his arms and glared at Chef, "Sir! If making mutant animals spliced with humans is crazy, then..." Then he thought for a moment, "Uh... Never mind."

Chef thought for a moment, then Mr. Mephesto explained to us, "I'm afraid there's been a bit of an incident at the ranch. You see, I've created a large, mutant clone of that little boy there..." He pointed his cane to Stan, "And he's broken free."

The boys' and my eyes widen on this information. A mutant clone? I can't believe it! I had a nightmare about something big and dangerous creating havoc in South Park, but I wouldn't guess it would be a dangerous mutant clone.

"(A big mutant Stan?!)" Kenny gasped.

"A big mutant version of me?!" Stan gasped.

"Is he bigger than a regular clone?!" Kyle asked.

Mr. Mephesto nodded, "He's terribly dangerous. His brain is identical to yours. I need you to help me find him!"

Stan thought for a moment, then a smile grew on his face. Without a moment to waste, the boys and I made our way into Main Street and saw the destruction the mutant clone has created.

"How big do you think he is?" Stan wondered, "I bet he weighs four hundred pounds!"

"Come on, Stan!" Kyle answered, then asked, "Don't you even know where you would go?"

Just then, Kenny saw something and pointed, "(Look at that! What's he doin'?)"

Kyle followed Kenny's gaze and gasped, "Oh my God!"

The boys and I saw a 6 foot 3 tall mutant human with long arms, and a big head, carrying a few innocent people. The mutant disappeared around a corner.

Stan ran to Officer Barbrady, who was directing traffic, not noticing the destruction going on around him, "Officer Barbrady! My evil genetic clone is destroying the town! We have to find him!"

Officer Barbrady just scoffed, "You boys have been watching the X files too much. There's no such thing as-"

Suddenly, the mutant clone of Stan grabbed Barbrady by the throat and threw him into Starks' Pond, then he wondered off.

"Come on! Let's go!" Kyle shouted.

Suddenly, Jimbo appeared behind Stan and grabbed his shoulder, "There you are! Stanley, you tore up my entire gun shop! You better have a GOOD explanation for this, Mister!"

Stan shook his head, "It wasn't me, Uncle Jimbo, it was my evil genetic clone."

Then Mr. Garrison appeared, "Stanley! What the hell has gotten into you? You have got severe lunchroom duty, Mister!"

Jimbo frowned, "I'm gonna have a word with your father, Stanley."

Mr. Garrison nodded, "Yeah, you wait 'till your father hears about this."

With that, Jimbo and Mr. Garrison were gone. Then Sam walked up to us and grabbed my arm tightly, "There you are, Ellie! Mum's worried sick about you! Where have you been?!"

"We've got bigger problems right now." I told her.

Sam's grip tightened, "Oh, no you don't. We're going home. And Mum says you're grounded for disappearing during the night."

With that, Sam dragged me back home. I got a yelling from Mum and, just as Sam said, I got grounded for two weeks.

* * *

_***A While Later, In School...***_

"Everyone, let's give Casey and his weed a big hand." Mr. Garrison told everyone, then turned to Kyle, "Okay, Kyle, we're ready to see your science project."

"Well, our pig hasn't given birth yet, but she should any time now." Kyle answered.

Mr. Garrison frowned, "Oh well then I guess you get an F." Then turned to Terrance, "Okay, Terrance, I know the class can hardly wait to see your science fair project."

Terrance smiled and walked to the front of the class, "Thank you, Mr. Garrison."

Fosse and Bill wheel in a large cage covered by a cloth, close behind Terrance.

"Boys, Mr. Garrison, fellow students." Terrance spoke up clearly, "For our science fair project, Bill, Fosse and I have spawned a creature genetically far superior to man. I present to you..."

Fosse and Bill ripped away the cloth.

"...The five-assed monkey!"

Inside the cage is a small monkey with five butts. It looked really angry, as it threw itself around the cage. The class applaud, as Terrance, Bill and Fosse bowed and smiled.

Mr. Garrison gasped, "Oh Mr. Hat, isn't it beautiful."

"Wait, Wait, the pig just gave birth, it had a baby!" Kyle shouted, as he and Cartman carried in a large cage. The class gathered around to take a look. 'Oooh's and 'Wow's can be heard from the other students.

"What's it look like?" Clyde asked.

"Does it look like a pig or an elephant?" Kyle asked.

Cartman gasped, as he noticed, "Hey, it kinda looks like Mr. Garrison."

Mr. Garrison gasped, "Oh, gee. Isn't that an amazing coincidence? What are the odds of that?"

Stan gave Mr. Garrison and Fluffy a look.

"You boys get first prize!" Mr. Garrison gave the cage a blue ribbon.

Fluffy stood proud of her offspring. Cartman looked down at her with a little glow around his head, "That'll do pig."


	6. Death

Death

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

Another school day and everyone getting seated to their assigned desks. As Kyle got into his desk, Cartman immediately punched him in the shoulder.

"OW!" Kyle yelped, then asked Cartman, "What the hell was that for?!"

"That's for your stupid mother!" Cartman answered angrily, "She made me miss Terrance and Phillip last night!"

Sam and I looked at each other in confusion. Clyde nodded in agreement, "Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?"

"Well, I didn't have her do it, she did it on her own!" Kyle explained with a shrug.

"Why does this happen every month?" Cartman wondered, rolling his eyes, "It seems like right about the same time every month Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something - and I always end up getting screwed by it!"

"Um... Excuse me, but what is Terrance and Phillip?" Sam asked.

The classroom stared at Sam in shock and disbelief.

"You've never heard of Terrance and Phillip?" Kyle asked.

"They're awesome and funny." Cartman told us.

"Well... We don't get a lot of funny shows in England. We mostly get drama and documentaries." I explained.

Just then, Mr. Garrison stepped in front of the class, "Children, children, a certain student's mother called me last night..."

"Oh gee, I wonder whose mother THAT could have been!" Cartman glanced at Kyle.

"She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called 'Terrance and Phillip'." Mr. Garrison explained.

The whole class, except me and Sam, smiled and cheered, "YEAH!"

Mr. Hat shook his head, "Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison."

Mr. Garrison nodded to his hand puppet, "That's right, Mr. Hat, shows like Terrance and Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds."

The kids blinked in confusion.

"You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash." Mr. Garrison explained. Then Kenny showed up, "Kenny, why are you late to class?"

Kenny said nothing, but just handed Mr. Garrison a note.

Mr. Garrison sighed, "Oh. Okay, Kenny. Be seated."

Kenny walked to his desk and Mr. Garrison returned to the lecture, "Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because you-"

Kenny quickly and frantically raised his hand.

"Yes Kenny, what is it?" Mr. Garrison asked the boy in the orange parka.

"(I have to go pee.)" Kenny answered.

"I thought you just came from the bathroom." Mr. Garrison pointed out.

Kenny nodded, "(I did, I gotta go again...)"

Mr. Garrison sighed, "Oh okay, okay, go ahead."

Kenny left his desk and hurried out the classroom.

Mr. Garrison returned to his lecture, "As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There is much more to life than two young men farting on each other." Some of the classmates giggled, "And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad. Usually they get taken right off the air. You see you should be spending your time enlightening your mind with more intelligent entertainment."

Kenny returned to the classroom and returned to his desk. Once he returned, I felt something off about his aura. It made me feel cold for some reason.

Stan sniffed and waved his hand over his nose, "Whew! Smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!"

"Pay attention, children!" Mr. Garrison shouted, "I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance and Phillip anymore, ever."

Cartman's eyes popped out of their skull, "WHAT?!"

Clyde mirrored Cartman, "Not watch Terrance and Phillip EVER?"

"That's right, children, are there any questions?" Mr. Garrison asked. Stan raised his hand, "Yes, Stanley?"

"Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to?" Stan asked.

My eyes widened at this question. Mr. Garrison was taken aback, "What do you mean?"

"My grandpa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should." Stan explained.

I was about to open my mouth, to protest, but Sam quickly reached over and put her hand over my mouth.

"Well then, you should." Kyle answered, "I think that a person has a right to die, if they wanna."

"Really?" Stan asked.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Laborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in trouble at all."

Stan's eyes widened, "Wow."

"Hey! Maybe we could get him to kill Kyle's mom!" Cartman smirked.

"So IS it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison?" Stan asked Mr. Garrison.

I quickly shook my head, shouting in protest against Sam's hand.

Mr. Garrison thought for a moment and answered, "Uh, Stan... I'm not touching that one with a twenty foot pole."

Stan sulked.

"(OH MY GOD!)" Kenny suddenly shouted, as he leaped of his desk and hurried out of the classroom again. Sam removed her hand from my mouth and I gave her a small glare.

The school bell rang, indicating it was lunch time. The class left the classroom and lined up in the cafeteria.

"Man, I can't believe we're gonna miss Terrance and Phillip today!" Cartman gasped, "I think I'm already having withdrawal!" He started shaking and quivering uncontrollably.

"Don't worry, dude." Stan assured, "We can all go watch it at my house! My parents don't get home until late."

"But won't your grandpa be there?" Kyle asked.

Stan nodded, "Yeah..."

"Just kill him, dude, maybe he'll give you some money." Cartman told him.

I shook my head, "You can't Stan! You'll tra-" Sam put her hand over my mouth again. Stan glanced at me.

"Don't worry about my sister, Stan." Sam assured, "She doesn't get enough sleep, so she gets confused."

I glared at my younger sister. I don't get enough sleep because I have weird dreams! And I KNOW what I'm talking about! Cover my mouth one more time, and I'm gonna bite!

Then it was our turn to see Chef.

"Hello there, children!" Chef greeted warmly.

"Hey Chef." Stan greeted.

"How's it going?" Chef asked.

Stan lowered his head, "Bad."

Chef tilted his head, "Why bad?"

"Chef, Is it okay to kill your grandpa?" Stan asked.

Chef shook his head, "You can't kill my grandpa, Stan, he's already passed on."

Stan shook his head, "No I mean kill MY grandpa."

Chef tilted his head, "No I don't think that's okay, Stan. In fact, I think that's illegal."

"See?" I spoke up and looked at Stan, "I tried to tell you, dude."

"Well yeah, but what if the grandpa wants to die, 'cause he's really old, and he's just asking for help?" Kyle pointed out.

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, like assisted suicide, what about that?"

I shook my head and tried to speak again, "No! It's not right! Do you want to-" Sam sharply nudged me in my upper arm, "OW!"

"Shut up, Ellie! No-one cares what you think." Sam told me.

"Do you think that matters?" I asked, the looked at Stan, "Stan, listen to me. Killing your grandpa will NOT make him happy. Trust me on this."

Sam nudged me again, this time, the force knocked me into Cartman.

"EY!" Cartman glared at me.

Chef thought for a moment, then answered, "I don't want to touch that with a forty-foot pole."

With that, Chef left the cafeteria. They boys, Sam and I just sit there and blink.

Stan shrugged, "What's the big deal? Why won't anybody talk about this?"

"I told you, Stan." I answered, "Nobody belongs in Limbo."

"What's Limbo?" Kyle asked.

I was about to answer, but Sam covered my mouth again, "Don't listen to Ellie. She's insane."

I glared at my younger sister and bit her index finger.

"Ow!" Sam yelped and removed her hand away from my mouth, "See? Insane."

* * *

**_*Later that Afternoon, In Stan's House...*_**

Stan, the boys, Sam and I walked into Stan's house. Inside the living room, was a senior male, sitting in a wheelchair, trying to stick a fork into a light socket.

"Hi, Grandpa." Stan greeted the senior, "I brought my friends over to watch T.V. if that's okay."

Mr. Marsh Sr. turned to Stan, "Billy, help grandpa stick this fork in the outlet."

Stan shook his head, "No, Grandpa, I'll get in trouble!"

"Kill me, God damnit!" Marsh Sr. shouted in frustration.

Stan shook his head again, "No! I can't even kill a deer!"

"You killed Scuzzlebutt without any problems." I muttered.

"What was that, Ellie?" Stan asked me.

"Nothing." I quickly answered, folding my arms.

"Well then have one of your little friends do it!" Marsh Sr. turned to Cartman, "You can kill me, can't you?"

Cartman nodded, "I would never kill somebody - not unless they pissed me off."

That got Marsh Sr.'s attention, "Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something, Porky, your mom was over here earlier and I humped her like a little bitch."

Cartman's eyes widened, "WHAT?!"

"That's right." Marsh Sr. smiled.

Stan's eyes widened, "GRANDPA!"

"And then I dug up your great grandma's skeleton and had my way with her too!" The senior continued, "Choice piece of ass, your great grandma!

That triggered Cartman's temper, "EY! YOU PIECE OF CRAP!" He charged toward Marsh Sr., but Stan and I held him back, "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Marsh Sr. smiled, "That's the spirit, Tubby!"

"Come on, Cartman, he's just trying to get to you!" Stan told Cartman, as he and I pulled him away.

"Don't talk about my mom like that!" Cartman shouted in his fit of rage.

"We can go watch Terrance and Phillip in the kitchen." Stan told us.

"I ever tell you 'bout the time I boofed your dad, fatso?" Marsh Sr. shouted after Cartman as we pulled him into the kitchen.

Once we were inside the kitchen, Stan and I let go of Cartman. But Cartman was still fuming, "I can't believe that son of a bitch!"

Stan handed Cartman a small box, "Here, Cartman, have some snacky cakes."

Cartman quickly calmed and took the box of snacks, "Ooh, snacky cakes? Good deal..."

Stan sighed, "I don't know what to do, dude. My Grandpa really wants to die."

"I told you, Stan. It's not worth it." I told Stan, "Do you know what happens to a person that dies of unnatural causes?"

"Shut up, Ellie!" Sam warned me, putting her hand over my mouth again.

"I'm telling you, it's okay." Kyle answered, "Maybe you should ask the Lord for guidance."

Stan smiled, "Hey yeah, good idea."

Stan walked over to the living room and picked up the phone. After a moment of holding, he spoke up, "Jesus?" Then he asked, "Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody, if they ask you to because they're in a lot of pain? You know, like assisted suicide. Is that okay?" A second of silence, "Yes?"

Then the line went dead. Stan angrily hung up the phone, "GOD DAMMIT! What the hell is wrong with everybody?!"

Then Cartman spoke up, "Hey you guys! 'Terrance and Phillip' is on!"

Stan regained his smile, "Yeah!"

Stan changed the channel and sat down.

"Hey, do you think we'll get in trouble for watching it?" Kyle wondered.

Stan glanced at the boy in the green winter hat, "Kyle, don't be a butthole!"

Cartman nodded in agreement, "Yeah, just 'cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer."

"Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!" Kyle shouted.

Cartman smirked, "Oh..." Then started dancing and singing, "_Bitch... Your mom is a Bitch-a! Bitch-a! Bitch..._"

Then the tv announcer announced, "And now back to Terrance & Phillip."

The channel showed to Canadian teens sitting on a couch. One with dark hair and a red shirt a letter 'T' on the chest. The other was a blonde wearing a blue shirt with a 'P'.

"Hey Philip, would you like to eat some beans?" The dark-haired one asked the blonde.

The blonde, I'm guessing was Phillip, smiled, "Oh yeah! I love beans!"

Cartman chuckled, "Oh oh... I bet I know what's coming!"

Just then, Marsh Sr. wheeled himself in and nonchalantly handed Stan a piece of rope, "Billy, would you mind holding this for grandpa, please?"

I glanced at the senior with a raised brow.

"Okay, Grandpa, okay. Just get out of the way of the T.V." Stan answered, taking the rope. His eyes don't leave the tv.

Marsh Sr. smiled and disappeared into the living room.

"Hey Phillip, it looks like those beans might make me fart!" The dark-haired Canadian, Terrance, exclaimed.

Phillip smirked, "Well, don't fart on me, Terrance!"

The boys laughed merrily at the tv. Sam and I looked at each other in confusion. This is what everyone was raving about. Two Canadian actors talking about farting? Seems harmless.

"Dude, he's gonna fart on his head again!" Kyle smiled.

Suddenly, Kenny jumped and gasped, "(Oh my God!)" He quickly left the kitchen and entered the closest bathroom.

"Hey, you're gonna miss it, Kenny!" Cartman shouted to Kenny.

Terrance farted on Phillip in the face. The boys all break out laughing hysterically. Sam and I looked at each other on concern.

Phillip slapped Terrance across the face, "You're such an ASSHOLE, Terrance!"

Terrance just laughed, "Ha, Ha! Charade I am."

The boys laugh even harder. Sam and my eyes widen in shock. Did the Canadians just curse on live television? No wonder Kyle's mother was upset.

"Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna miss the fart!" Cartman called to Kenny, between laughs.

Just then, Stan's sister walked in and shouted, "Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing!?"

Stan quickly jumped up and stood in front of the T.V, "We're not watching Terrance and Phillip, I swear! I mean... CARTMAN was watching it."

Stan's sister shook her head, "No, I mean what the HELL ARE YOU DOING TO GRANDPA?!"

Stan looked down at the rope in his hand, then followed it up over a crossbeam, and finally saw his grandfather at the other end, hanging by the neck. Oh no...

"Tug... a... little... harder...Billy..." Marsh Sr. choked out between breaths.

Stan screamed and let go of the rope. Marsh Sr. crashed to the ground. Sam quickly grabbed my hand and charged out of the house, back home.

Stan's sister frowned angrily, "You little jerk, you were trying to kill Grandpa! I'm telling Mom!"

"Dammit, I was so close!" Marsh Sr. coughed, pounding his fist into the carpet.

* * *

**_*The Next Day, In Stan's House...*_**

"Dude! This is SWEET not having any parents around!" Kyle smiled, as he and Stan were jumping on the sofa.

Stan nodded in agreement, "Yeah! I hope they protest T.V. shows forever! WHOOPEE!"

Sam and I were cleaning up the living room, when Marsh Sr. wheeled his way toward Stan, "Come here, Billy, I want to show you something..."

Stan stopped jumping, "Aw, do I have to?"

Marsh Sr. nodded, "Yes you do, you little pecker!"

Stan sighed and followed his grandfather.

"I realized that the reason you won't kill me, is because you don't understand how I feel, Billy." Marsh Sr. started his explanation, making his way to one of the bedrooms, "But I found out a way to show YOU what it feels like to be grandpa."

Stan and Marsh Sr. entered one of the bedrooms and locked the door, leaving the rest of us out in the corridor.

"What are they doing in there?" Kyle wondered.

Cartman shrugged, "I don't know..."

Sam turned to me, "Ellie, you have the best hearing out of all of us, what can you make out?"

I sighed and pressed my ear against the door. I heard Marsh Sr. talking, and Stan answering. Then slow and sad music started playing. It sounded like...

"Is that Enya?" I wondered.

"Is what Enya?" Kyle asked, shrugging his shoulders.

"I hear Enya music playing. It sounds sad." I answered.

The music got louder and Stan started shouting. The music just got louder.

Finally, the door opened. Stan fell out, looking terrible and beaten. Marsh Sr. flips off the Enya music, and went over to Stan.

"Grandpa... I..." Stan gasped, "I had no idea how bad it was for you... Now I understand..."

"So now will you kill me, Billy?" Marsh Sr. asked Stan.

Stan nodded, "Sure I will, Grandpa... I will."

My eyes popped out their sockets in shock and disbelief, "No! No, you can't! You-"

Sam elbowed me in the stomach. I doubled over in pain, gasping for air.

"Shut up, Ellie! You're not fooling anyone." She told me.

"One of these days... You'll be sorry..." I coughed, "Just you wait..."

With that, the boys, Sam and I lead Marsh Sr. to an empty clearing in the woods.

"Okay, Grandpa, all you have to do is sit there." Stan told Marsh Sr., who was sitting under a large tree, "We'll do the rest." He called to Kyle, "You got the cow all tied up?"

Kyle finished putting a rope around a scared cow's waist, "Yep, all done."

Stan nodded, "Kay, come on, guys."

The boys and Sam grabbed the rope, and start to hoist the cow up, using a branch above grandpa's head as a pulley. I stayed out of it and folded my arms with a pout.

Sam turned to me and encouraged, "Come on, Ellie. We can use all the help we can get."

I shook my head stubbornly, "Mm-mm!"

"Why don't we just shoot him?" Cartman asked.

"You dumbass, Cartman! It has to look natural, or else we'll all get busted." Stan answered.

Kyle nodded in agreement, "Yeah, stupid."

The boys and Sam pulled on the rope and the cow got hoisted up over Mr. Marsh Sr.

"That's good, Billy... A little higher now..." Mr. Marsh Sr. smiled.

The cow dangled in the air. The boys and Sam wrapped their end of the rope around the base of another tree. The cow dangled dangerously above Mr. Marsh Sr.. The other end of the rope was tied around a tree. Stan held a knife in his hand, ready to cut the rope, and send the cow on top of his grandfather.

"Are you ready grandpa?" Stan asked his grandfather.

"Does the Pope crap in the woods?" Mr. Marsh Sr. asked.

Stan was about to cut the rope when suddenly, a light flashes! The boys and Sam look over at the road, where Officer Barbrady pulled up in his patrol car. Barbrady studied the scene from his car, he looked at the cow, the senior below it, Stan with the knife in his hand...

The boys' eyes all grow wide, until Officer Barbrady answered, "Carry on."

Barbrady drove away. Once he was gone, the boys sighed in relief.

"Okay, here we go..." Stan looked at his grandfather, "Bye Grandpa, it was nice knowing you."

"Cut the damn rope already!" Mr. Marsh Sr. shouted impatiently.

Stan readied to cut the rope again.

Instinct took over, as I ran toward Mr. Marsh Sr. and pushed him out of the way, "NOOO!"

But before I could push Mr. Marsh Sr. out of the way of the cow, there was another flash of light. This light was large and very bright. The boys and Sam reeled back from its glow.

Kyle shielded his eyes, "Whoa, what is that?!"

The smoke cleared and the light faded to reveal a tall figure, dressed in a black hooded cloak and carrying a scythe.

Stan gasped, "Whoa... It looks like... Death!"

Sam looked at me with wide eyes. I quickly went on one knee and bowed to the Grim Reaper.

Mr. Marsh Sr. smiled in relief, "It's about time, you late ass lazy son of a whore!"

Death looked down at Stan's grandfather.

"Come on! Let's go!" Stan's grandfather encouraged. But Death walked past him and head towards me, Sam and the boys, "What the -"

"Hey, he's coming towards US!" Stan gasped.

"Why is Death coming after us?" Cartman asked.

Death continued to walk toward us. Sam and the boys all scream and ran into town. Sam took hold of my hand and she and the boys run inside Stan's house. Death was just behind us. Sam, the boys and I ran up into Stan's room and slam the door shut. Death was just on the other side, pounding on the door.

"What are we gonna do?!" Cartman asked.

Stan looked over the telephone on his bedside stand. He picked up the phone and dialed a number. After a moment of ringing, Stan shouted, "Mom, Death is here and he's trying to take all of us away with him".

The boys and Sam look worriedly at the door, which was still pounding and shaking.

"Yeah, but mom -" Stan tried to explain, "Dad, Death is coming -"

Then the phone went dead. Stan hung up the phone. Death started carving away at the door with his scythe.

"Dammit!" Stan cursed, "You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on T.V. and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place."

Kyle nodded in agreement, "Yes, I think that parents get only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids."

Kenny nodded, "(You know what I think? Basically, if you let the decision of what you watch stop at the parents' control, then what can you see? It'll stay the same because they'll just get offended although their kids are not delighted with the television series they put on for their kids.)"

Kyle nodded, "Totally, dude."

Stan nodded in agreement, "Good point, man."

I lightheartedly giggled, "I agree."

Kenny blushed under his parka. Suddenly, Death burst through the door! Sam and the boys screamed.

Kyle quickly opened the bedroom window, "Quick! Jump out the window!"

Just before Death can reach us, Sam, the boys and I jumped out the window and ran into town. Mr. Marsh Sr. chased after Death, "Come back here, you pom-pass son of a pansy!"

Slowly, Death caught up to us, he stretched out his bony hand... Stan screamed, but Kyle grabbed his hand, "Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!"

"I'm over here, you son of a whore!" Mr. Marsh Sr. shouted after the Grim Reaper.

Death chased us past a TV shop, where dozens of TVs are on in the window. They are all playing Terrance and Phillip. Terrance and Phillip were wearing space suits.

"Oh Terrance... What color is the wind?" Phillip asked.

Death looked at the screens with intrigue.

"I don't know. Why don't you check-" Terrance farted in Phillip's face.

Phillip laughed, "OH! YOU FARTED!"

Death started to laugh loudly. He had to lay down his scythe to hold his stomach.

"Hey Phillip, you know what my space suit smells like?" Terrance asked Phillip.

"No, Terrance, why don't you tell me." Phillip offered.

"Well, it smells like... A dirty fart!" Terrance shouted.

The two Canadians laugh. Death laughed even harder.

Stan stopped running and noticed what Death was doing, "Hey look!"

Sam, the other boys and I stopped running and noticed that Death is watching the show. Everybody gathered around the TV and watched the show. Laughing happily together. I rubbed my chin in thought. Thinking about the connection of why Death has appeared.

Sam, the boys and Death were happily watching Terrance and Phillip. Now, the two Canadians were back in the couch setting.

"Hey Phillip." Terrance started.

"Yes Terrance?" Phillip answered.

"Is there a penny stuck in my butt?" Terrance asked, leaning forward.

Phillip shrugged, "I don't know Terrance, let me check..."

Cartman chuckled, "Oh, oh. Don't look there Phillip, you're going to get farted on!"

Phillip moved his head towards Terrance's ass, when suddenly FWOOP! A second of static and then the Toon Central logo. Sam, the boys and Death looked at the screen in confusion.

"We interrupt this program to bring you some loud static." The narrator announced, as loud static filled the screen.

Death roared in anger and turned his attention back on Sam, the boys and myself.

The boys and Sam screamed and took a step back. Realization hit me, and I grabbed Kenny by the arm.

"I'm sorry about this, Kenny." I apologized to Kenny.

Kenny tilted his head to me, as I removed his glove. I reached Kenny's hand toward Death. Death stretches out his skeleton hand and touched Kenny's hand. Kenny immediately fell limp in my arms. Motionless and dead.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" Stan gasped.

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted at me.

"See? I told you Elle was insane." Sam accused.

I waved my hands in defense, "Wait, wait. Let me explain." I gestured to Death, "The Grim Reaper wasn't after all of us. He was only after Kenny."

Mr. Marsh Sr. wheeled himself up to Death, panting, "HEY! You were supposed to kill ME!"

Death shook his head.

"That's not fair, God Dammit!" Mr. Marsh Sr. shouted in frustration, "My grandpa asked me to kill him and I did it!"

Death said nothing. I folded my arms, "You guys still don't get it, Do you?" I turned to Stan, "What have I been trying to tell you all day, Stan?"

Stan thought for a moment.

Sam walked up to me and slapped me across the face, "Shut the fuck up, Eleanor! You're not fooling anyone with your 'Limbo' crap!"

"Limbo?" Stan repeated.

Death nodded, and pointed his bony finger to a glowing fog.

Stan gasped, "Whoa..."

In the glowing fog, another older senior male emerged, floating above the ground.

"Billy..." The man breathed.

Mr. Marsh Sr.'s eyes widen in recognition, "Grandpa?"

The man nodded, "That's right, Billy."

"My name's not Billy, Grandpa!" Mr. Marsh Sr. shouted, then asked, "And what's wrong with you? Why do you look all haggard?"

"I asked you to kill me, Billy, but I was wrong..." The man explained, "And now I am forced to spend eternity in Limbo."

Mr. Marsh Sr. tilted his head, "Limbo?"

Sam and the boys glanced at me.

The older senior man nodded, "I was wrong to put you in that position, Billy. Just like you're wrong to put little Billy in it now." He gestured to Stan, "You're so obsessed with ending your life, you're not thinking about what you're doing to his."

Mr. Marsh Sr. rubbed his chin in thought and consideration.

"You must wait to die of natural causes." The older senior told him.

"But I've been waiting for twenty- five years!" Mr. Marsh Sr. argued.

"Let nature run its course, or else end up in Limbo..." The older senior told him.

The older senior man started to fade away. He, Death and Kenny float up to the sky, "Natural causes, Billy... Natural causes..."

The boys and Mr. Marsh Sr. watched the three specters fade and float into sky in awe. Sam just waved her hands, "That's it. I'm going home."

Sam grabbed my hand and we made our way to home, to bed.


	7. Pinkeye

Pinkeye

**Stan Marsh's POV.**

It's quiet today. Too quiet. My friends and I were just standing near a bus stop, waiting the school bus to pick us up and take us to school. We didn't have much to say today, so we just stayed quiet.

Until something huge and metallic dropped from the sky and crushed Kenny, killing him instantly. It looked like a space station. My friends and I were shocked by what just happened.

How? Who? When? Where? What? Why!?

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" I gasped in shock.

"You bastards!" Kyle shouted at the object.

"What the hell is that thing?" Cartman asked.

"It looks like a UFO!" Kyle answered.

"There's no such thing as UFOs!" Cartman argued.

"Says the boy who got abducted by aliens!" Sam pointed out.

"Damn it! It was just a dream!" Cartman shouted.

Just then, an ambulance arrived to the scene. Two paramedics exit the van, grabbed what was left of Kenny's body and put in a large body bag.

"Let's get him to the Morgue." The dark-haired paramedic instructed.

They threw Kenny's body in the back, jump in the car and drive away. Cartman, Kyle, Sam, Ellie and I watched the whole thing.

Ignoring what just happened, Cartman looked at Kyle and I, "Hey, wait 'till you guys see my Halloween costume tomorrow! It kicks ass!"

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Tomorrow was Halloween. It's such a coincidence that a large space station would crash on top of Kenny just the day before Halloween.

"Dude, it can't be cooler than mine!" Kyle argued.

The school bus arrived and we shuffled in and took our seats. It was a short, quiet trip to school. The school bell rang and we went to our classrooms.

The rest of the school day went like every other school day. My friends and I returned to our homes and started working on our costumes for tomorrow.

* * *

**_*The Next Day...*_**

The next morning, I walked to the bus stop, in my Halloween costume. Already there was a kid in a Chewbacca mask and a familiar orange jacket.

The kid looked at me and laughed, "Ha ha! You look like a pansy!"

It didn't take me long to recognize him, so I snapped, "Shut up, Kyle!"

"What are you supposed to be?" He asked me.

"I'm Raggedy Andy." I answered.

"Why the hell did you dress up like Raggedy Andy, dude?!" Kyle asked between laughs.

"Wendy's going as Raggedy Anne. And she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure." I answered.

Kyle shook his head, "No way, dude. I'm gonna win the costume contest with this sweet Chewbacca costume!"

"Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy!" I told him.

"Wow, Cool!" Kyle gasped with a smile in his tone.

"Hey, guys. Mind if we join you?" A familiar voice spoke up.

Kyle and I looked and saw two girls in different Halloween costumes.

The tall, pale girl was wearing a black uniform with a poncho designed like a bat. Even claws and a mask to match. She was wearing a pair of familiar black-rimmed glasses over her hazel eyes. And a pair of leg braces.

The short girl wore a werecat costume and mask.

I tilted my head, "Sam? Ellie?"

The werecat girl lifted her mask and smiled, "Fooled you?"

I smiled back, it was Sam. That means Ellie was the bat.

Kyle saw Ellie and praised, "Nice costume. Bat?"

Ellie nodded with a small, shy smile.

Sam nodded, "Yup. Ellie likes bats and I thought it would be fun if I was a werecat. We honestly don't care about the contest."

Then Ellie looked at my costume, "Raggedy Andy?"

I nodded with a smile, "Yeah. Finally, someone gets it!"

As Sam lowered her mask, Cartman arrived, wearing an Adolph Hitler costume. He even dyed his hair black and had a small mustache drawn on, "Hey dudes."

"Cartman... What kind of costume is that?" Kyle asked, starting to sound offended.

"It's Adolph Hitler costume." Cartman answered, then re-enacted, "**SIEG HIEL**! **SIEG HIEL**!"

"Where'd you get that?" I asked.

"My mom made it." He answered, then smiled, "Isn't it cool?"

"NO IT'S NOT COOL!" Kyle shouted in anger.

Sam looked at me, "Jewish?"

I silently nodded to her. Ellie gave Cartman a small glare. Then Cartman looked at my costume and asked, "What are you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody?"

"No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat ass!" I answered.

Cartman started looking around, "Oh. Wow, you look pretty cool."

Then he and Kyle started laughing at me. "Sissy." Kyle called me under the laughter.

Of course, I heard him, so I snapped, "I'll kick your ass, Kyle!"

Cartman raised his hands and mocked a warning tone, "Oh, look out! Holly Hobby is all pissed off!" Then he looked at Ellie, who was still glaring at him, "Stan, could you tell your new dog to stop staring at me like that?"

Ellie looked away.

"No, Cartman. This is my sister, Ellie." Sam explained, lifting her mask, "And I'm Sammy. Remember, the new girls?"

Cartman's eyes widened, "Your sister's costume is a dog? Where'd you get it?"

"Bat." Ellie answered.

"You know, bats don't wear glasses." Cartman pointed out.

Ellie just rolled her eyes and sighed.

To our surprise, Kenny arrived and calmed everything down.

His skin and eyes were very pale. A piece of his brain was exposed and he had a bit of his rib-cage poking out of his parka.

Like he was either a zombie or he just walked out of the Morgue and across the cemetery.

"Hey look, Kenny's not dead." I informed the others.

Kyle noticed Kenny wasn't wearing a costume, "You forgot to wear a costume, Kenny."

"Yea, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?" I asked.

"Yeah, why is your family so poor, Kenny?" Kyle asked.

Kenny didn't say anything.

"Kenny's family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage." Cartman joked.

Kyle and I laughed and waited for Kenny to say something back. But, he said nothing and just stared at the open space of the road. It was like he was either ignoring us or he couldn't hear. Ellie raised a brow.

"I said your family had to put a cardboard box up for a second mortgage!" Cartman shouted in agitation, "Kenny!"

Kenny continued to stare. This is really getting weird.

"I'm talking to you, Kenny! **Achtung**!" Cartman shouted at Kenny, then muttered under his breath, "Poor piece of crap."

Then the school bus showed up. Ms. Crabtree opened the door and shouted to me and my friends, "Come on, we're running late!"

I sighed in annoyance, "Ah, we're always running late, you ugly skank."

Ellie quickly nudged me.

"What did you say?" Ms. Crabtree exclaimed.

Quickly, I answered in a loud and clear voice, "I said I can't wait to own a fishing tank."

"Oh... Neither can I." Ms. Crabtree nodded.

Cartman, Kyle, Ellie, Kenny and I entered the bus and took our seats. We arrived to school, just a few minutes before the first school bell rang.

We made our way to our class. Kyle smiled at us, "Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume! They're gonna be so jealous-"

We entered the class and Kyle stopped speaking. To our surprise, the entire class was wearing a Chewbacca mask. Everyone.

"Whoa dude!" I gasped.

"Everyone came as Chewbacca?" Kyle exclaimed.

"It sure does seem to be a popular costume this year Kyle." Mr. Garrison explained to Kyle.

We looked and saw Mr. Garrison was dressed as Marilyn Monroe and his hand-puppet friend, Mr. Hat, was wearing a Chewbacca mask as well. Mr. Hat did a Wookie growl.

Kyle threw his mask to the floor, "Dammit!"

I walked over to a kid with a Chewbacca mask, wearing a light purple jacket. I recognized the jacket and guessed, "Wendy?"

The kid looked at me and greeted, "Hi Stan." It was Wendy.

"You said we were going to be Raggedy Anne and Andy, remember?" I reminded.

"Yeah." She answered.

"We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair!" I pointed out.

Wendy nodded, "I know, but then... I guess I just realized how stupid we would look."

I blinked in shock, "You WHAT?!"

"I thought you would reach the same conclusion, so I came as Chewbacca." She explained.

Out of embarrassment, humiliation and frustration, I banged my head against my desk. Why am I always treated like I'm the idiot of this class? So much for the Raggedy Pair and commitment!

Two other kids, in Chewbacca masks, walked past me, "Hey Stan, you look almost pretty enough to kiss." "Yeah, you want to be my girlfriend?"

I continued to bang my head against my desk. Someone just end this day or put me out of my misery!

"You see? All of a sudden my costume is pretty bad ass, huh?" Cartman asked Kyle, feeling better about his costume.

Ellie sighed and told Cartman in a low tone, "Cartman, dressing up like Hitler is not bad ass."

Cartman glared at her, "You're just jealous. Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie!"

"I'm a bat! And Wookies don't live on Endor!" Ellie shouted.

"Mama ma mi mo momo!" Cartman mocked in a high-pitched voice.

"At least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore Magazine!" Kyle shouted in Ellie's defense.

Ellie's and Cartman's eyes widen, "What?" Then Cartman glared at Kyle, "What did you say?!"

Mr. Garrison broke the ice and instructed, "Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats."

The class took their seats and let Mr. Garrison start the lesson, "Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer Jackie Collins." He started writing on the board, "You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel-"

Kenny's arm fell off and hit the floor. Wendy noticed and shouted, "Ew!"

Mr. Garrison turned to Kenny, "Is there a problem, Kenny?" Kenny didn't reply, "Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?" Then he continued the lesson.

Kyle looked over to me, "I'm never going to win that 2 tons of candy looking like everyone else!"

After two classes and first recess, it was lunch time. Cartman, Kyle, Ellie, Kenny and I grabbed a tray each and took a seat around our usual table.

"I'm gonna make a new costume during recess. I can still win that candy!" Kyle spoke up.

Ellie thought for a second, then smiled, "Hey, why not a vampire? You and I can enter as a pair of the true creatures of the night."

Kyle smiled, "That's a good idea."

Ellie realized what she said and gave me an apologetic smile, "Sorry, Stan."

I smiled and waved my hand, "It's alright."

Then we noticed Kenny hasn't touched his food. Come to think of it, when his arm fell off, Kenny didn't even flinch or scream in pain. This is really getting weird.

Cartman poked Kenny and asked, "Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding?" Kenny said nothing.

"No, Eric. Go ahead and take my pudding, if you like." Cartman answered in the corner of his mouth. Then he smiled in his normal tone, "Why thank you, Kenny. How nice of you!" Then he took Kenny's pudding.

"Aren't you hungry, Kenny?" Kyle asked, as Ellie raised a brow again.

"He hasn't moved an inch or said anything." Sammy noted with raised brow.

Then Chef showed up from behind us, dressed as Evil Knievel, and greeted, "Hello children!"

"Hey Chef." Kyle and I greeted.

Chef looked at Ellie and acted, "Whoa, Ellie. Hope you don't bite me and suck my blood."

Ellie softly giggled, "I'm a black flying fox."

Then Chef saw Cartman and asked, "What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?"

"Eating Kenny's pudding." Cartman answered innocently.

Then Principal Victoria arrived and greeted, "Hello there, children." Then she looked at Chef's costume, "Oh, love the Elvis costume, Chef."

Principal Victoria is a young woman with blonde, curly hair and light blue eyes behind a pair of black wired glasses. She didn't wear a costume, so she wore her casual pink blouse over a white shirt and black pants.

"Elvis?" Chef repeated, then answered, "I'm Evil Knievel! Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?"

"Why the hell would you dress up like Evil Knievel?" Principal Victoria asked, then looked at me and my friends, "Anyway, I hope that you kids are-" Then she saw Cartman's costume and yelped, "AAAGH! Eric! God bless it. What do you think you're doing?"

Cartman stopped eating and pointed at Kenny, "Hey, he said I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself!"

He poked Kenny, to make him look like he's talking, and said in a fake voice, "That's right Principal Victoria, it's okay with me 'cause Eric is cool."

Principal Victoria walked over to Eric and Kenny's side, "Where did you get that costume, young man?"

"My mom made it." Cartman answered, then shouted with a salute, "**SEIG HIEL**! **SEIG HIEL**!"

Principal Victoria quickly shushed Cartman, then she muttered, "Oh, God bless America." Then told Cartman, "You get into my office before anyone else sees you! I have to show you an educational video!"

She grabbed him and tried to drag him to her office. But Cartman was resisting and squealing like a hungry pig, "I don't want to see an educational video."

Once Cartman and Principal Victoria were gone, Clyde walked by our table. Kenny leaned over and bit Clyde on the upper arm.

"Oww! You bit my arm." Clyde shouted after Kenny bit his arm.

Kyle smiled, "Oh, good! Kenny's back to normal!"

Ellie just gave Kenny a look. Then walked over to Clyde, "May I look at that?" Kenny was about to walk toward her, but Ellie glared at him, "Stay the hell away from me, Kenny."

He backed away from her and Ellie looked at Clyde's bite mark. I noticed how Ellie glared at Kenny. It was spooky. Like you don't want to meet her in a dark alley.

I looked at Sammy and Kyle and whispered, "Wow, Ellie can be really scary."

Sammy smiled, "That's my sister."

Ellie looked at Clyde, "Clyde, is it?" Clyde nodded, "We need to go into the kitchen and get some ice and apple cider vinegar in this wound. The acid in the vinegar will fight the infection, while the ice can calm the pain."

Clyde glared at her and snatched his arm out of her hands, "Yeah, like I'd let one of the British new girls treat me like I'm a salad."

With that, he rejoined the line and grabbed another tray of food. Ellie watched him and sulked. Not cool, Clyde. The poor girl was just trying to help.

Angry, Sammy shouted, "Hey, don't treat my sister like that! She was just trying to help you, Asswipe!"

* * *

**_*Later, in the Gym...*_**

I entered the Gym and it was decorated for the costume contest. The whole of the classroom, along with Cartman, dressed as something else in a white sheet, were standing in line.

I noticed Ellie was in the Gym, sitting by the food table, drinking punch on her own.

I walked over, "Hey, Ellie. You gonna join the contest?"

Ellie shook her head, "Nah. Not really."

"Come on, you and Kyle were gonna enter as a pair. You're the bat and Kyle is the vampire." I encouraged.

Ellie sipped her cup of punch, "Kyle had other ideas. You go ahead and have fun."

I shrugged my shoulders, sighed and joined the contest and stood next to Cartman.

"Boo! I'm a ghost!" Cartman announced.

I sighed, "Oh man, I feel like a total chode."

"Oh, c'mon, Stan. Maybe that's just because you look like a total chode." Cartman told me.

Then, Chef walked by us and greeted, "Hello, children."

"Hey Chef." Cartman greeted.

Chef saw Cartman's new costume and ran off screaming.

"Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh!" Cartman noted with a smile in his tone.

Sammy showed up and greeted, "Hey guys." Then she looked at Cartman's new costume, "Cartman, what the bloody hell are you dressed as?"

"I'm supposed to be a ghost!" He answered.

"I gotta ask you something, Sam." I started, "Why is Ellie on her own?"

"Oh, Ellie isn't a big fan of parties. She has Asperger's." Sam answered casually.

"As-what-ger's?" I repeated.

"Asperger's Syndrome. It's kinda hard to explain... It's a mental handicap of sorts..." She answered.

"And the braces?" I asked.

"Now that I can explain." Sam smiled, "Ellie was born with very, very weak legs, so she needs braces to help her stand."

"Ellie's handicapped?" Cartman exclaimed, then he laughed, "That's rich."

I think Ellie heard Cartman's words, cause she glared right at our direction. I looked around and noticed someone was missing from the contest, "Hey, where's Kyle?"

The Gym doors opened and Kyle entered, dressed like he was the solar system or something, "Check this out!"

"Whoa, dude!" I gasped.

How did Ellie know that Kyle was gonna decide against her idea?

"Kyle, what the fuck, dude?" Sam exclaimed.

"What is that?" Cartman asked.

Kyle looked at his costume and answered, "I'm the whole solar system! The planets even all revolve the right way!" Then he smiled, "That tub of candy is as good as mine!"

Mr. Garrison blew a whistle and shouted to the other classmates, "Okay, children. Let's get you lined up, so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes."

The class, my friends and I, except Ellie and some others, lined up on the stage.

"Children, this year we have a celebrity judge. The star of 'Family Ties'... Miss Tina Yothers!" Mr. Garrison announced, as a woman with blonde hair, blue eyes, and wearing a blue blouse and jeans, walked up to the stage.

"Who?" Cartman asked.

Kyle looked at me and whispered, "Dude, I thought she was dead."

I nodded, "Yea, me too."

Miss. Yothers walked over to Mr. Garrison and gave him a clipboard.

"Thank you, Miss Yothers." Mr. Garrison thanked, then looked over the clipboard, "Okay, the Second Place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume!"

Miss Yothers pinned a red ribbon on Kenny. Kenny didn't move, but he had this hungry look in his eyes.

"And the award for the Very Best Costume goes to..." Mr. Garrison started. Kyle smiled with wide eyes, then Mr. Garrison announced, "Wendy! For her Chewbacca costume!"

Wendy walked past the other students and received the blue ribbon from Mr. Garrison.

"WHAT?! But she looks just like everybody else!" Kyle exclaimed in anger and frustration, "Up yours, Tina Yothers!"

Miss. Yothers gasped and Mr. Garrison finished with the results, "And the award for the worst costume this year goes to... Stan for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children."

Everyone in the Gym, except for Ellie, Sam, Wendy and Kyle, pointed and laughed at me. My self-esteem and dignity just felt like the meter just reached empty.

I glared at Wendy, "Thanks a lot, Wendy. You ruined my Halloween!"

"Relax, Stan. You'll feel better, once we're out trick or treating." Wendy told me, before leaving the stage.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Wendy is acting I don't have any sign of feelings. Does she even care?

"I don't want to trick or treat with you! You lied to me!" I shouted at Wendy. I left the stage and joined Ellie at the food table.

"Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now." Mr. Garrison announced.

The other classmates gathered around a large barrel of water. First in line was Bebe.

Bebe Stevens is the second popular girl, behind Wendy. She has long, wavy blonde hair and light blue eyes. She wears a red jacket with a black collar, dark green pants and matching black shoes.

"You go first, Bebe..." Mr. Garrison said.

Bebe stepped up and dunk her head in the water, trying grab an apple with her mouth.

"That's good, just use those mouth muscles, like the girls in Beijing." Mr. Garrison encouraged.

Clyde, now caught with the pinkeye that's been going around, looked at Bebe and muttered, "Brains..."

He dived into the barrel and attacked Bebe, trying to munch on her head. Bebe was screaming and fighting back.

"Wait your turn, Clyde!" Mr. Garrison.

"Ellie told you to use that vinegar in that wound!" Sammy shouted.

"Forget it, Sam. No one listens anyway." Ellie sighed, leaving the Gym.

* * *

**_*Later, that Night...*_**

Ellie, Cartman, Sammy and I were standing on a sidewalk, waiting for Kyle. He decided not to go trick or treating as the solar system.

"Where the hell is Kyle?" Cartman asked, "We don't have all night to wait for him!"

"I bet I get more candy than you, dude." I challenged.

"Are you crazy? I'm the Candy Master!" Cartman answered.

Ellie chuckled, "Heheh. Candy Master? Yeah, right."

I chuckled, "No no, you're the Ass Master. There's a difference."

"Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstockings!" Cartman insulted me.

"Oh yeah?! Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore Magazine!" I shot back.

"God Dammit! My mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore Magazine!" He shouted.

Then Kyle arrived, dressed as a vampire, "Hey dudes."

I smiled, "Oh good, you're here."

"Yeah." Kyle answered, then he looked at Ellie with an apologetic look, "Ellie, I'm sorry I didn't use your idea. I didn't want to look desperate for the candy."

Ellie smiled and waved her hand, "Don't worry about it, Kyle."

I smiled, then noted, "Now, let's make sure we've got everything. Flashlight?"

Cartman lifted his flashlight, "Check."

"Plastic pumpkin pails?"

Ellie, Sammy and Kyle lifted their pails, "Check."

"Taser?" I finished with revealing my mother's taser and made sure it was charged.

"What's that?" Kyle asked.

"For shocking people who try to give us granola treats or something." I answered.

Cartman nodded in agreement, "Yeah, granola pisses me off!"

Ellie shrugged her shoulders, "Eh, granola is not that bad with a few chocolate chips in them."

Sammy nodded in agreement. Then Kenny finally showed up.

He looked worse than before. His skin was now a sickly green. His eyes were badly bloodshot and his brain and rib-cage exposure were quite bad. It's like her became a complete zombie.

"Hey Kenny." Kyle, Sam and I greeted.

Cartman got a whiff of Kenny's odor and waved his hand over his nose, "Whew! You stink, Kenny!"

"You still didn't get a costume, Kenny?" Sam asked, as Ellie narrowed her eyes at Kenny.

Cartman chuckled, "Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!"

Again, Kenny didn't reply.

"I said your dad would be a millionaire! Kenny! Kenny your family is poor! Kenny, your family's poor!" Cartman shouted at Kenny, out of frustration of being ignored. He turned to the rest of us, "I don't like Kenny anymore. He just doesn't communicate."

Then Wendy showed up, not wearing her prize-winning Chewbacca mask, "Hi guys."

"Hi, Wendy." Cartman greeted.

"How's your barrel full of candy, Wendy?" I asked, as anger and frustration started burning in my heart.

"Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi." She answered in a casual tone.

Wide-eyed in shock, Cartman shouted, "You what?! Are you insane?!"

"Let's go trick or treats!" Wendy cheered with a smile.

I shook my head, "I don't think so, Wendy. I think you've had enough candy for one day!"

Wendy's smile faded, as she looked at me, "Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad."

"How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?" Cartman asked in a joking manner.

I looked at Wendy, "Trick or treat with yourself, Wendy!"

"But Stan." Wendy started, as me and my friends started walking down the street, to start our own trick or treating.

"No buts Wendy, I wish you were dead!" I shouted.

With that, we left Wendy on her own. Sam caught up to me and spoke up, "Stan, I really think you shouldn't be so hard on Wendy."

"Hey, she hurt me. So, it's only fair." I answered with frustration still in my voice.

"I don't think she understood your commitment. At least give her a second chance, okay?" She explained.

I looked away in thought. Maybe Sam's right. The more I think about it, I guess Wendy didn't know how far I would go for my relationship with her to work.

After a few minutes of walking and thinking, my friends and I walked to the front porch of the first house.

I rang the doorbell and the door opened to reveal a senior lady.

"Trick or Treat!" My friends and I called.

Kenny's other arm fell off.

The lady smiled at us and grabbed a bowl of candy, "Aww, how cute!"

She reached to give Cartman a handful of candy, until Kenny leaped on to her forearm and started chomping. Blood spewed all over the porch.

"Dude, Kenny!" I scolded.

Kenny let go of the lady. All that was left of the bite was bone.

The lady screamed, backing into her house and closed the door, "Oh my God! Call 911! Call 911! Call 911! Call 911!"

"Oh, nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us the candy!" Cartman shouted.

I nodded, "Yeah! She had Sweetie Pops!"

Cartman slapped Kenny across his hooded face, "You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!"

My friends and I continued trick or treating. We weren't having much luck getting candy, cause Kenny kept eating them. Hopefully, this next one Kenny wont eat.

Kyle rang the doorbell. The door opened to reveal a man nearly the same heavy side as Cartman is.

"Trick or Treat!" My friends and I called.

The man smiled and wondered, "Hope you kids like chocolate peanut butter cream puffies."

He reached out his hand, but Kenny leaped on to him and started chomping on his shoulder.

"Get it off! Get it off me!" The man screamed, as he tried to get Kenny off his shoulder.

But, Kenny didn't let go. He collapsed on the ground and Kenny let go of his shoulder and started munching on the man's head.

Cartman looked at me, Kyle, Sam and Ellie and shouted in frustration, "Dammit! We'll never get any candy, if Kenny keeps eating people!"

I nodded and glared at Kenny, "Yeah! That's it, Kenny! You can't trick or treat with us anymore!"

With that, we left Kenny and went to the next door. Kyle rang the doorbell and the door opened to reveal a group of people in the same costume as Cartman.

"Trick or Treat." My friends and I called.

Cartman noticed their costumes and smiled, "Hey... They're all dressed up like ghosts too!"

The man in front gave Cartman a candy bar and slammed the door closed. Cartman checked the candy bar and exclaimed, "One Tootsie bar?! You cheap bastards!"

Next, we walked to Chef's house. Cartman rang the doorbell.

"Trick or-" My friends and I called, until the door opened to reveal Chef with two chainsaws.

We screamed, as Chef shouted, "Get off my property, you brain-eatin' zombie bastards!"

Hurried and scared, my friends and I cried, "Aaahh!" "Chef!" "No!"

Chef calmed down and shut down the chainsaws, "Oh, sorry children, I thought you were one of them!"

We calmed down and Cartman asked, "Can we have candy now, please?"

Chef looked at Cartman's costume and glared, "Dammit boy, what the hell are you doing dressed up like that?"

"I'm trying to trick or treat! God Dammit!" Cartman shouted, waving his pail around.

"Remind me to whup your ass good next time I see you." Chef told him, then told the rest of us, "Now get in here, before those zombies get you!"

My friends and I followed Chef into his house. He sat us down on his couch and he stood in front of his television.

"What are you talking about Chef?" I asked.

"Zombies, children! South Park is overrun with the Living Dead!" Chef answered, then asked us, "Haven't you noticed anything strange lately?"

Ellie's eyes widen and she gasped in shock. Sam, Kyle, Cartman and I looked at each other. Did we miss something that Ellie noticed?

Kyle shrugged his shoulders, "Well, not really. Except that Kenny keeps eating peoples' brains..."

"Don't you children see? Kenny's turned into a zombie, along with everyone else in town!" Chef exclaimed.

"Oh my God! That means..." I gasped.

"...If everyone has been turned into zombies..." Kyle followed.

"...then there won't be anyone to give us candy!" Cartman finished.

Cartman, Kyle and I gasped. Ellie glared at Cartman, "Is that all you care about?"

"Chef! You've got to help us!" Kyle shouted.

"I'm working on it, children." Chef told us.

Then he started packing his chainsaws into a duffle bag.

"Wait, where are we going?" I asked.

Chef picked up his bag and explained, "The Doctor said the first people he treated were the Mortician and his Assistant." Then he added in a grim tone, "Now, I've got a hunch, we'll get to the bottom of this at... The Morgue!"

Kyle, Cartman and I shook in fear. The Morgue? Then, a fart was heard and it calmed our nerves and we laughed.

Cartman pointed at Kyle between laughs, "It was Kyle."

* * *

**_*Later, that Night. At The Morgue...*_**

Sam, Kyle, Ellie, Cartman and I followed Chef toward The Morgue. It looked creepier at the dead of night. Like it was a mad scientist's lair.

"I don't know about this, Chef." I spoke up.

Kyle nodded and hid closer behind me, "Yeah. I'm scared."

"Remember candy. Focus on the candy." Cartman told us.

We entered the Morgue and it was empty and dark. Like the whole place was deserted.

"What are we doing here, Chef?" I asked.

"Just look for anything suspicious." Chef answered.

My friends and I split up and started looking around, for anything that looked out of place or not supposed to be here.

After a few seconds of looking, Kyle shouted, "I found it! I found it!"

We all looked at Kyle. "What?" I asked.

"See Cartman?! Your mom is on the cover!" Kyle told Cartman, as he showed a cover of a magazine.

It had Cartman's mother, on top of a bed with a blowtorch and wearing a very revealing nightgown. The title said 'Crack Whore Magazine'. Ha!

Cartman looked at the cover and stuttered. The shock must've stopped him from thinking of anything smart to say back.

"We told you, dude!" I spoke up, as Cartman continued to stutter. Sam tried to suppress giggles. Ellie just continued looking around.

Chef walked over to Kyle and took the magazine, "You better let me take that, Kyle."

"Chef, look!" Sam alerted.

Chef walked over to her location and found a yellow bottle, toppled over, on top of a drawer that standing on top of a keg, labeled 'Embalming Fluid'.

Chef picked up the bottle and read the label, "Worcestershire Sauce?"

Ellie's eyes widen as she gasped, "Oh no..."

Kyle looked at her, "What is it, Ellie?"

"Worcestershire sauce should never be mixed with Embalming Fluid." She answered.

"Why not? It makes everything taste English." Cartman asked.

"There's a secret ingredient in the sauce, that when mixed with the fluid, is able to reanimate the dead and turn them into zombie overlords." She explained, grabbing Cartman by his sheet, "The same ingredient that makes everything taste like it's from England." Then she shouted, shaking him, "It's harmless on its own!"

"Uh-oh..." Chef uttered.

Cartman glared at Sam and Ellie, "So, the zombies are your fault, were-she-wolf and werekitty!"

Ellie glared at Cartman back, and said in a scary low tone, "Don't push it, fat boy." Then she let go of him and turned to Chef in a normal tone, "Chef, there's gotta be a number at the back. It might help us."

Chef flipped the bottle over and smiled, "You're right, Ellie." Then told the rest of us, "We gotta call this hotline number, children!"

Before we could move, a zombie-fied kid crashed into the wall. It was Pip.

Phillip Pirrup, or just Pip, is an exchange student, from England like Ellie and Sam. He's quite small for his age, which is why we call him Pip, with light blonde hair in a bob cut and light blue eyes.

He wears an outfit, similar to Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist novel. That's the best way I can describe it.

Pip pointed to his eyes and moaned, "Piiink Eeeyye..."

"It's the British kid! He's a little limy zombie now!" Cartman shouted.

Ellie glared at him again, "Cartman, I'm warning you!"

We screamed as more zombies attacked the office, from the window.

Chef moved away from the window and shouted, "Look out, Children!"

More zombies entered the office. Some by the same window, others by taking down the wall, coming out of the cabinets and from underground.

One came out from underground, in front of us, and roared. Ellie used her metal claws to cut the zombie across the chest. The zombie screamed and retreated where it came from.

Sam clapped her hands, "Way to go, Elle." Ellie smiled.

"Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!" I told Chef. I got no reply, "Chef?"

We looked over and saw that Chef has become one of them as well.

"Chef!" Kyle cried. Great! We're on our own.

In a deadpan tone, Ellie sighed, "You've got to be kidding me..."

Chef twitch his neck, along with other zombies, and started dancing like Michael Jackson,

'_I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead._

_My body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed!_

_Make love, don't you be afraid._

_Just because my heart ain't beating, don't mean you wont get laid._'

"Let's get outta here!" I shouted, as the rest of us left the building through the backdoor.

The backdoor lead us to the backyard of the Morgue, which looked similar to a cemetery.

"We gotta call that Worchestershire hotline!" I told the others.

Cartman looked ahead and alerted, "Hey! There's a payphone!"

"Convenient." Sam noted. She gave Kyle a few quarters, "Here's some change. You call the number, Kyle!"

"But, the zombies are coming!" Kyle alerted.

The rest of us looked and saw the zombies were coming toward us.

Ellie gave me, Cartman and Sam some kind of knives, stepped forward and took a pose, "We'll hold 'em off!"

Ellie dashed ahead and started slashing the zombies across the chest.

Cartman took a firm grip on his knife, "Nobody screws up my Trick or Treats and gets away with it." He dashed toward the zombies and mimicked Ellie best he could, "Yeah cool!"

Sam and I slashed the zombies down our own way. I smiled, "Sweet!"

Me, Sam, Ellie and Cartman continued taking out the zombies. The zombies were lowering in numbers, until I saw Ellie facing a zombie with black hair and wearing a familiar light purple, dress-like coat and pink hat.

"Wendy?" I recognized. The zombie growled and Ellie crouched down like a wolf. "Ellie, don't!" I shouted.

"Finish her, dude! She's a zombie now!" Cartman told Ellie.

Ellie stared at Wendy, then she stood up and took off her claws, "I won't."

Cartman turned to me, "Come on, Stan! Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest!"

I thought back on the memories. The fire of anger returned in my heart, "Hey yeah..." But, then I thought back about what Sam said. Maybe she didn't realize about my commitment.

I looked at Wendy. I didn't see the zombie, I saw the beautiful girl I really like, "Wendy! I know we had a fight, and I did wish that you were dead, but I didn't mean it!"

"Kill her, Stan!" Cartman told me.

I looked at Wendy and then at the knife in my hand. I threw the knife into the snow, "I... I can't!"

Then I heard Ellie shout, "Stan, watch out!"

She leaped into the air and used her claws to slice the head off Kenny, who I didn't notice was coming to attack me. Wendy collapsed into my arms and fell asleep.

Kyle hung up the phone, noticed Ellie's actions and gasped, "Oh my god! You killed Kenny!" Then he shouted at her, "You bastard!"

Wendy returned to her normal self and woke up, "Oh. What happened?" She looked at me, "Stan?"

"Don't worry, babe. Everything's gonna be okay." I assured her with a smile.

"It's working! They're turning back to normal!" Kyle cheered, as everyone else, that was zombie-fied, were returning to normal. He looked at Ellie, "Ellie, how did you know?"

Ellie shrugged her shoulders, "I didn't. I acted on instinct."

Chef came to us, completely normal, and cheered, "You did it, children!"

"Okay. Let's go trick or treating now. Come on!" Cartman told us.

With that, Cartman, Kyle, Ellie, Chef and Sam left the Morgue.

Wendy got back to her feet and looked at me, dead in the eyes, "I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that, Stan. I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings."

I shrugged and smiled, "That's okay, Wendy. I'm sorry I wished you were dead."

Then she smiled, "Maybe we could, actually... Kiss tonight, Stan..."

She puckered her lips and leaned toward me. My stomach turned and I tried not to barf. But, as soon as I opened my mouth, vomit shot into her face. Dammit!

"Eww! Gross, Stan. Sick!" Wendy shouted, as she ran off, "Barf is gross!"

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, at the Cemetery...*_**

Cartman, Kyle and I were looked at Kenny's tombstone. Ellie and Sam were with us.

"Oh, man... I can't believe he's gone..." I sighed.

"Yeah... He was too young to be taken from us!" Kyle nodded.

"Let us remember the good times..." Cartman suggested, trying to fight back tears, "Kenny would have wanted it that way." But the tears fell and he cried loudly. Kyle patted his back.

"You know I've really learned something today..." I spoke up, "Halloween isn't about costumes or candy... It's about being good to one another and giving and loving."

Kyle looked at me and shook his head, "No, dude, that's Christmas."

"Oh..." I muttered, then asked, "Then what's Halloween about?"

"Costumes and candy." He answered.

"Oh." I repeated.

Cartman cried for two more seconds, then returned to his normal self, "Well, let's get home and start eating candy."

Kyle smiled, "We can eat it at Cartman's house and see more naughty pictures of his mom!" He made his way out of the cemetery. Sam and Ellie followed him.

I nodded and followed after them, "Yeah."

Cartman chased after us, "Knock it off, you guys! She said she was young and she needed the money!"

"Cartman! The pictures were taken around last month!" Sam informed him.

Cartman stuttered again, then finally shouted, "Screw you guys!"


	8. Starvin' Marvin

Starvin' Marvin

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

It's been a few weeks since the huge zombie fiasco, at Halloween. My sister, Sam, and I were spending the day at Cartman's house, with Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny, alive and well once again, watching a show about two Canadian comedians called Terrance and Phillip. Right now, the Thanksgiving Special was on.

The Boys were laughing at a joke Phillip just pulled on Terrance.

"That was awesome!" Stan exclaimed.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah!"

Cartman's mother walked to the front of the television and asked, "Would you kids like some cheesy poofs?"

"Get out of the way, Mom! The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving special is on!" Cartman told her.

She nodded and made her way to the kitchen, "Sure hon."

"And yeah, we want cheesy poofs!" Cartman shouted after her.

On the Special, Terrance and Phillip arrived to an empty part of land.

"Hey, Terrance. Looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony." Phillip told Terrance.

Terrance nodded in agreement, "It sure does, Phillip. Nobody will oppress our religion here!"

Then he farted into Phillip's face. Phillip yelled and they burst into laughter.

Phillip removed his hat and shouted, "Oh! You stained my pilgrim hat, Butt-Pipe!"

"Did you guys see that?! That was sweet!" Cartman asked.

Then the show cut to a commercial break. The narrator announced, "Coming up next on The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special; Phillip farts on Terrance and laughs!"

"Oh, cool!" Kyle smiled.

"And now a word from our sponsor." The narrator finished.

The television switched to a desert-like land with a large group of badly malnourished African people.

A female voice spoke, "Here, in the heart of Africa, children are dying. Not from disease or war... But from hunger. I'm Sally Struthers..."

An obese, Caucasian-American woman with curly blonde hair and blue eyes, wearing a white shirt under a red blouse and blue skirt, walked to the front of the group, "These children are in desperate need, and only you can help."

"Hey, who's that fat chick?" Stan asked.

"Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on Full House." Kyle answered.

"Oh." Stan uttered.

"I thought she was skinnier." Sam noted. I nodded in agreement.

"You see, here in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce..." Miss. Struthers continued.

"Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food." Stan joked.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman."

Cartman chuckled, "Yeah." Then realized what Kyle said, and glared at him, "Hey!"

"For just five dollars a month, you can sponsor a child." Miss. Struthers offered.

"That's stupid. Who the hell would want to do that?" Cartman argued.

"Sponsor now, and we'll also send you this Taiko Digital Sports Watch as a free gift." Miss. Struthers finished.

This got everyone's attention. "Kick ass!" Cartman shouted.

"Sweet!" Stan smiled.

Kenny cheered and Stan hurried to the phone.

Stan started dialing the number, "I'll call! I know my mom's credit card number!"

"Did they say if it's water-proof?" Kyle wondered.

Sam rolled her eyes, "It's a sports watch, Kyle. Of course it's gonna be water-proof."

The phone answered and Stan asked, "Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?" A second of silence and he uttered, "Oh..."

"What'd she say?" Kyle asked.

"Shut up, Butt Pirate, I'm trying to hear!" Stan snapped.

Kyle folded his arms and glared, "Ass Rammer."

Then Stan talked over the phone, "Yes... Yeah, we want to adopt a starving Etheropian."

"When do we get the sports watch?" Cartman asked.

"Just a second, Fat-Ass!" Stan snapped.

"You vas diferens!" Cartman shouted back.

Stan returned to the phone, "Hello? No. No, it's a ma-" Then he realized what Cartman called him and repeated, "Vas diferens?!"

Sam, Kyle, Kenny and I looked at Cartman. He just shrugged his shoulders.

Kenny looked at Stan and explained in muffled words, "(The tube that's inside of your pee-pee.)"

"Oh." Stan uttered.

Sam looked at Kenny, "Kenny, that's disgusting."

"Ask her if we get the watch right away!" Kyle told Stan.

"Do we get the sports watch right away?" Stan asked. He put his hand over the speaker and looked at us, "She says we do."

"Coooool." The boys, Sam and I smiled in unison.

Then Cartman called dibs, "I get to wear it first, you guys!"

* * *

**_*Later that day, at School...*_**

The boys, Sam and I arrived to class and waited to start the lesson. The boys were very giddy with excitement. Guess they never had a sports watch before.

"I can't wait to get out of school and get our Taiko Sports Watch!" Kyle told Cartman.

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, but I get to wear it first. I said!"

Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat arrived to the class and announced, "Children, children, to honor this special time of year, we'll be doing a 'Canned Food Drive'." Then he asked, "Does anybody know what a Canned Food Drive is?" Cartman raised his hand and Mr. Garrison called, "Yes, Eric?"

"When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?" Cartman guessed.

Mr. Garrison shook his head, "No, that's a Caesarian Section, Eric... But that's okay. Remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people." I raised my hand and he called, "Yes, Ellie?"

"A Canned Food Drive is when you collect canned food and share it amongst the less fortunate." I answered.

Mr. Garrison smiled and nodded, "Correct. Well done, Ellie."

Cartman glared at me and muttered under his breath, "Nerd..."

Sam glared, but I just ignored him. I'm used to the names now. Been called nasty names since Kindergarten.

Four-Eyes. Smarty Pants. Geek. Nerd. Bookworm. Freak. Teacher's Pet. Ghost Face, which I kinda like. And Dead-Eyes.

"You mean like Kenny?" Stan asked, pointing to Kenny.

Mr. Garrison nodded, "Exactly."

Cartman raised his hand, "Mr. Garrison, why do poor people always smell like sour milk?"

Mr. Garrison rolled his eyes and sighed, "I don't know, Eric. They just do."

Curious, Kyle leaned over to Kenny and sniffed his parka. Kenny leaned away. I leaned over to Kyle and poked his nose. Kyle returned to his seat. Invasion of personal space is not tolerated.

Then Mr. Garrison spoke up again, "Now children, I want each of you to bring in _one can _of food, and later the Mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people."

Cartman glared and folded his arms, "I'm not bringing in food for poor people. Screw them!"

"Don't you want to help those, who are less fortunate?" Wendy asked.

Ignoring her, Cartman asked the others, "Hey, you guys, do you hear something?" He cupped his ear, "I think I hear the flower children calling."

"This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people, who can't eat." Wendy pointed out.

"Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?! What about the poor houses that I pay for?!" Cartman argued.

Wendy gasped, "Many would rather die, than go to those places!"

"Well then, perhaps they should and decrease the surplus population!" Cartman shouted.

I glared at Cartman, took a deep breath to calm myself down.

Mr. Garrison broke the ice, "Okay, kids, that's enough Dickens for one day. Let's get on with our lesson." He looked his hand puppet, "Right, Mr. Hat?"

Mr. Hat nodded, "That's right, Mr. Garrison." Then asked the class, "Englbert Humperdink was the first person on the moon, who was second?"

Before any of the class can answer, a flock of angry turkeys crashed into the classroom, from the closed door. They flew around and caused a lot of havoc.

Clyde screamed and hit under his table. Mr. Garrison jumped on to his desk, "What the hell is going on?!"

The turkeys tore the classroom and flipped Clyde and an African-American classmate's desks over. With that, they left the classroom.

Once everything calmed down, Mr. Garrison commented, "Well... You don't see that everyday."

I folded my arms in thought. Something felt off about those turkeys, and I don't like it.

Then, Principle Victoria announced that school ended early, since turkeys attacked more classes. The boys, Sam and I hurried to Cartman's house, since the watch is gonna be sent to his address.

"Did it come?!" "Did it come?!" "Is it here yet?!" "I get to use it first, you guys!" The boys shouted, as we entered the door.

We looked around and no sign of anything new.

"Mom... Did our digital sports watch come yet?" Cartman called out to his mother.

"Not yet, hon..." Ms. Cartman answered, peeking from the doorway.

The boys sulked in slight disappointment and Stan muttered, "Damn!"

Kyle looked at the television and alerted, "Hey, look you, guys!"

We looked at the television and it was showing the Thanksgiving special, "And now, back to part two of the Terrance & Phillip Thanksgiving Special."

The screen showed Terrance and Phillip, in a snow blizzard, freezing their butts off.

"I sure am cold, Phillip." Terrance told Phillip.

Phillip nodded in agreement, "Yes, and hungry too. Being a Pilgrim totally sucks ass."

"Gosh, I hope we don't starve." Terrance commented.

Phillip let out a squeaky fart at Terrance and they burst into laughter. The boys, Sam and I laughed at the joke as well. Then there was a knock on the door and the doorbell rang.

The boys paused for a second, then Kyle shouted, "The digital sports watch is here!"

The boys hurried to the door and opened it. Then Cartman exclaimed, "What the hell?!"

Sam and I looked at each other and joined the boys. At the doorstep was a dark-skinned Ethiopian boy and a dark red suitcase.

"Dude, that's not a digital sports watch." Stan noticed with his excitement withering away.

"Hey... It looks like one of those Etheropians." Kyle pointed out, as the boy smiled at us.

Stan sighed in disappointment, "Oh, man! They must have accidentally sent him, instead of the sports watch!"

"Maybe they took it literally, when we said we wanted to adopt a kid?" Sam shrugged.

The boy spoke to us in his native tongue. With the clicking of his tongue, it was quite hard to make out. But, I think he said, 'Hello, my new family'.

Kyle gasped and smiled, "Whoa! That was cool!"

"Yeah, how'd you make those clicking sounds?" Stan asked.

"Do you have a name?" I asked the Ethiopian boy in a polite tone.

The boy answered with clicking.

"I think he said his name is 'Marvin'." Stan smiled.

Cartman nodded, "Yeah. Starvin' Marvin!"

I walked toward the boy and extended my hand to him, "Nice to meet you, Marvin."

The boy, Marvin, shook my hand and smiled.

Cartman re-entered his house and called to his mother, "Hey Mom!"

Ms. Cartman peeked through the doorway and answered, "Yes, hon?"

"We found a Etheropian. Can we keep him?" Cartman asked.

Ms. Cartman nodded, "Sure, hon."

Cartman smiled, "Sweet."

The boys walked over to Marvin.

"Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow!" Stan suggested.

Sam shook her head, "I don't think that's a good idea, Stan."

Kyle took hold of Marvin's hand, "Come on, Starvin' Marvin! I want you to meet my little brother."

Cartman quickly grabbed Marvin's arm and yanked him away, "No, No! He's my son, I adopted him."

Stan yanked Marvin away from Cartman, "It was _my_ mom's credit card!"

Then Kyle broke the ice with an idea, "Okay, okay. We'll switch off. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week. Then at Stan's, then at Ellie and Sam's, then with me."

Cartman nodded in agreement, "Yeah. And never with Kenny, 'cause his family is too poor."

Kyle nodded, "Totally!"

That did it! I punched Cartman across the face. Cartman fell to the ground and yelped, "Ow!"

"I warned you." I told him.

"(Thanks, Ellie.)" Kenny thanked me with a smile in his tone. I smiled back.

* * *

**_*Later that night, at King Jimmy's Buffet...*_**

The boys, Sam and my family came together for the Buffet restaurant, to show Marvin a way to enjoy American food. Since it's a Tuesday, the buffet is only $6.99 for each customer.

My mother offered Kenny's family to join. But, Kenny and his siblings had homework to catch up on.

Stan looked over to Marvin and explained to him, "This is a great way for you to experience America, Starvin' Marvin. This is what we call an 'All-You-Can-Eat Buffet'."

Cartman nodded and explained, "Yeah, here you can eat all you want for only $6.99. That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights." Then joked, "Except for Kenny's family, 'cause to them $6.99 is two year's income."

Everyone around the table laughed. I just glared at Cartman.

Then Cartman asked Marvin, "Why is _your_ family poor, Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too?"

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, under my glasses. The waiter arrived and placed a plate of shrimp in front of Cartman.

Cartman grabbed a shrimp and showed it to Marvin, "You see, Starvin' Marvin, these are what we call 'appetizers'."

"Ah-pee-tiser." Marvin repeated.

Sam clapped her hands, "Well done, Marvin."

"This is what you eat, before you eat, to make you more hungry." Cartman told the Ethiopian boy.

Marvin's eyes widen in shock. He couldn't believe that Americans can eat to make themselves more hungry for the main course.

Again, I pinched my nose and sighed. Truthfully, that's _not_ how appetizers work.

Then the waiter returned with the main course foods; Roast beef, mashed potato, chicken drumsticks and other stuff.

Cartman smiled, "Oop! Food's here! That's it for the appetizers!" And he threw the plate full of shrimp into the trash.

Everyone grabbed a plate of food and started eating.

Marvin tried to reach for Cartman's pot pie. But, Cartman noticed and stopped him, "No, Starvin' Marvin. That's my pot pie!"

Stan noticed and shouted, "Cartman, you Butt Pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share."

Cartman looked at Stan and nodded, "Oh yeah, you're right." Then he looked at Marvin, eyeing his peach cobbler, "Are you going to eat all of your peach cobbler? No, you don't want all that. Why don't you share it with me?" He took it before Marvin could take a bite, "Let me just have some of that."

Marvin stared at Cartman in shock. I sighed about Cartman and passed my plate to Marvin, "Here, Marvin. You can have some of mine. I don't eat much."

"Say 'Thank you' to Ellie, Marvin." My mother told Marvin.

Marvin looked at my mother, then at me and smiled, "Thank you, Ell-ee."

I smiled back at the Ethiopian boy. No one should be that heartless to anyone across the world.

* * *

**_*The next day, at School...*_**

**Kenny McCormick's POV.**

Class started at Mr. Garrison wanted to have a small talk to the other kids about the Canned Food Drive.

"Children, children, I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our Canned Food Drive..." Mr. Garrison started, "And can't we do a little better than..." He dug into the box and read the cans, "Creamed corn, creamed corn and creamed corn?"

The other kids just stared in a blank.

"Please bring in more diverse food children, or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty 'corny' Thanksgiving." Mr. Garrison scolded, then realized what his said and started laughing hysterically, "Corny... Corny... Gravy... Corny Thanksgiving... Hoo!" Once calmed down, Mr. Garrison returned to his desk and announced, "Anyway, children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show and tell?"

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Sam, Ellie and I raised our hands, "Yeah, yeah!" "We did." "We do!" "We do!"

"All right, kids, show us what you've brought." Mr. Garrison encouraged.

My friends and I walked to the front of the class, with Starvin' Marvin.

"This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin." Kyle introduced.

Marvin looked around, then noticed the Canned Food Drive box. He reached into the box and grabbed a can.

"He can do really cool stuff with his voice." Stan added, then encouraged, "Show 'em, Starvin' Marvin."

Marvin got the can out and started reading it. But Cartman snatched the can and threw it in the box, "No, Starvin' Marvin. That's Kenny's creamed corn!" Marvin grabbed another can, and Cartman snatched it and shouted, "No, Starvin' Marvin! That's a BAD Starvin' Marvin!"

"Kids, what the hell are you doing? This is horribly, horribly wrong!" Mr. Garrison exclaimed, then asked, "How did you get this child?"

"He was accidentally delivered to us, instead of a sports watch." Stan answered.

"The sports watch from the commercial?" He asked.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, that one."

"I want a Starvin' Marvin!" Bebe shouted.

"Me too!" Clyde nodded.

Pip waved cash in his hand, "Yes. I'll pay fifty dollars for one!"

Then all the other kids cheered and said they want one too.

Mr. Garrison looked at us, "Kids, you're too young to take care of a child. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned."

Sam sulked, "Aw!" Then looked at Stan, "I _told_ you we shouldn't have brought him to school, dude!"

* * *

**_*Later, at Principal Victoria's Office...*_**

Mr. Garrison sent my friends, Starvin' Marvin and I to Principal Victoria's office. He explained everything to her, and she called the Red Cross.

"Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now." Principal Victoria said over the phone. She hung up the phone and looked at us, "Now, kids I hope you've learned your lesson."

Stan shrugged and answered, "No."

"You can't care for this child!" Principal Victoria shouted.

"But, I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving." Kyle pointed out.

Principal Victoria nodded, "Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's lives. You're supposed to just send money. And once in a while, they write you a letter. You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place, like South Park."

"So, why can't he live here now?" Sam asked.

"Because, he can't!" Principal Victoria answered.

"Because why?" Sam asked, shrugging in misunderstanding.

"Because, 8 year olds can't be parents." Principal Victoria shouted.

"Principal Victoria, we have a system." Ellie explained, "Since we all pitched in, Marvin could stay a week each at our houses. Maybe, if Cartman wasn't the first house, we could make this work."

Cartman glared at Ellie, "Hey! Why not?"

"Because, you're a greedy asshole, Cartman." Ellie answered, her face and ears turning red and the room was turning dark, "You didn't share your food with Marvin, last night, and took his!"

Ellie closed her eyes and took deep breaths. The redness was getting worse the more breaths she took. Tears were starting to leak from her closed eyes.

The room got darker and started to feel cold. Not cold as in air conditioning, cold as in the North Pole cold. I couldn't help but notice black and indigo flames burning Ellie's hands.

_Is this Ellie's superpower?_

I reached out my hand, to try and calm her down. But, Sam grabbed my hand and shook her head. Guess Ellie doesn't like being touched when she's angry.

Ellie took five more breaths, the redness and tears vanished and the flames vanished. Everything returned to normal.

She opened her eyes and looked at Principal Victoria, "I'm okay."

Then Kyle suggested, "Then, you take care of him."

I looked at my friends in surprise.

_No one else noticed what just happened?_

_It's no wonder Ellie claims she has no powers. No one else notices and she keeps them bottled up inside._

_That's not healthy._

Principal Victoria quickly shook her head , "I can't." Then she looked around, "I'm... Uh... I'm very busy. I send my $5 a month. See?" She showed us her Taiko Digital Sports Watch.

_Rats!_

"This sucks. Marvin is our friend." Ellie sighed. Marvin took hold of her hand and smiled at her.

Cartman shrugged and yanked Marvin away from Ellie, "Oh well, back to the poor country with you."

"You better watch what you say, Cartman. You might be poor and hungry, some day." Ellie warned him in a low tone, the room turning dark again.

Cartman just chuckled and scoffed, "Oh yeah, right."

* * *

**_*The Next Day, at Town Hall...*_**

**Mayor McDaniels' POV.**

Today was Thanksgiving and the Canned Food Drive was ready to distribute. The citizens of South Park have gathered around the Town Hall, waiting for the drive to start. The distribution was some kind of capsule with the canned food inside.

I looked at one of my assistants, "So, how does this thing work?"

"Well, Mayor. Its based on the Cash Grab. But instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule. The 'Pov' catches as many as he can to feed his family." He explained to me.

"'Pov'?" I repeated.

"Poverty stricken citizen." He clarified.

I chuckled and smiled, "Oh, brilliant!"

Suddenly, there was a sound of familiar gobbles. Then a large flock of turkeys arrived and started destroying the entire parade!

I yelped and shouted, "What the hell is this?"

My assistant looked over his clipboard, "I don't know, Mayor. I don't think it's listed on the program."

Then, Dr. Mephestro arrived on the scene, "They're increasing in numbers, Mayor! These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about!"

Then Chef arrived with five third-grade students; Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick and the English sisters Eleanor and Samantha Carter.

"It's true, Mayor! Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria!" Chef shouted, so I could hear him. The turkeys scurried past him and he yelped, "Whoa!" Then he shouted at the flock of angry birds, "You won't get away with this, you bastards!"

"Wow! Those are some _pissed off_ turkeys!" The Broflovski kid shouted.

I made my way to the podium and shouted into the microphone, "Okay, people, don't panic! Bring out the Defense Squad!"

The Defense Squad; which was Jimbo Marsh and his friend, Ned, arrived to the scene and started firing their rifles at the turkeys. However, the remaining turkeys just got angrier.

"We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!" Dr. Mephestro told me.

The last of the turkeys finally retreated to wherever they came from and we could continue the Thanksgiving Canned Food Drive.

"Alright everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor." I announced to the citizens.

* * *

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

Everyone clapped and cheered at Mayor McDaniels' announcement. I looked around and noticed a certain Butt Pipe was missing what he would find hilarious, "Hey, where's Cartman?"

Stan and Sam shrugged their shoulders.

"I don't know." Kyle answered, then asked Marvin, "Do you know where he is, Marvin?"

Marvin just shrugged his shoulders. He and Ms. Cartman just arrived to see how this contribution plays out.

Kenny walked on to the stage, as Mayor McDaniels continued, "Looks like we have the turkey problem under control. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the Canned Food Grab!"

The other citizens cheered and clapped. I looked at Sam with concern. Sam assured me with a smile.

"Come on. Hurry up!" Mayor hushed to Kenny.

Kenny entered the capsule, closed the door and braced himself for whatever's gonna happen next.

"Grab a lot, son!" A female shouted from the crowd. My guess was it was obviously Kenny's mother.

"Happy happy Thanksgiving!" Mayor cheered, then instructed, "Let'rrrr rip!"

The capsule activated and the cans started flying around the place. Kenny tried to jump and grab the cans. Once he made his third jump, Kenny started flying around the capsule and was getting thrown around by the wind currents.

"C'mon, grab those cans, little boy!" Mayor encouraged.

The current picked up speed and Kenny was having trouble trying to grab any cans.

"Come on, Kenny!" Stan, Sam, Kyle and I cheered our friend.

Kenny was able to grab a can, but it slipped from his fingers. The currents picked up speed again and Kenny was getting thrashed all over the capsule.

"C'mon, son!" A man voice shouted. Must be Kenny's father.

Kenny was able to grab a can, but his grip was loosening due to the current.

Mayor shut down the capsule, "Now, let's see all the goodies you're gonna take home to your family!"

Kenny got out of the capsule, holding a blue can, and looked like he was having trouble staying on his feet.

Mayor walked toward him, "It looks like he got a..." She took the can from him and read it, "A can of string beans!"

The citizens clapped and cheered. Kenny was so dizzy, he was beginning to topple over. He wandered forward, so he could climb down, but he lost his footing and fell. I quickly caught him, before he hit the snow. He was lighter than he looked.

Kenny recovered from his dizziness and looked up at me. His cheeks went red and he quickly got off me and pretended like nothing happened. I felt my cheeks warm up and a smile growing on my face, as I pushed my glasses up my nose and brushed my bangs away from my eyes.

Suddenly, there was the familiar sound again. Gobble, gobble, gobble. And it was approaching the town quickly.

"What the...?" Chef uttered.

Stan followed the sounded and shouted, "Dude! The mutant turkeys are back!"

The rest of us looked at Stan was right. The turkeys have returned in greater numbers. They invaded the Town Hall and started attacking everyone in their sights.

A police officer tried to keep everything under control, but was failing miserably, "Okay, people, move along! Nothing to see here, lookie loos!"

Mr. Mephestro arrived the stage and told the Mayor, "I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen!"

Chef made his way to the podium and spoke on the microphone, "Gather 'round everybody, and listen good! Go to your homes and arm your..." Then he looked at the professor's assistant and asked, "What the hell are you supposed to be, anyway?"

The assistant looked at him, but said nothing. "That's not important right now." The professor answered.

Chef stubbornly shook his head, "No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything."

"Chef! The turkeys!" Mayor reminded him.

"Oh, alright." Chef sighed, then spoke to the other citizens, "Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry!"

Everyone rushed to their homes.

Chef shouted in frustration, "We're not gonna let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys!"

Sam, Kyle, Stan, Kenny and I hurried to our homes and helped our families find anything that can be used as weapons.

* * *

**_*A Little Later, in an Open Field...*_**

All of the citizens were prepared and arrived to an open field, where we were to fight the remaining of the mutant turkeys.

"People... We all have to do our part against the evil turkeys..." Mayor McDaniels told the citizens.

"There's too many of them." One of the citizens shouted.

"Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?" Mayor cheered.

"We can't stop them." Another citizen cried.

Then Chef arrived, on horseback and dressed like Braveheart, "Today you fight for your city! You fight for your honor! These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us! These fudged up turkeys from the cretaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take our FREEDOM!"

Chef's speech got everyone hyped and ready for a fight. Sam, Marvin and I looked at each other and we just shrugged. Eh. This beats the zombie thing at Halloween.

The army of turkeys started coming toward us. Kyle turned and mooned them, "Here you go turkeys!"

The citizens and the mutant birds charged into each other and an all-out war broke. The turkeys were able to fight back, but we had two men with guns to give us an advantage.

Given time, the turkeys used their increased numbers to their advantage and cornered Stan, Kenny, Sam, Kyle and I back a bit.

Chef quickly ran to our aid and pushed us behind him, "Stay close, children!"

He held off the turkeys and killed a few. We cheered for Chef, until a few turkeys strayed from their group and ran toward us for attack. Stan, Kyle and Sam backed away, as the turkeys came toward me and Kenny.

I tried to hold the mutant birds off, but one of them was able to sneak past me and pecked Kenny to death, including taking out one of his eyeballs. I gasped and my heart burned in anger.

"Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"You bastards!" Kyle and Sam shouted at the turkeys.

The citizens of South Park were finally able to take out the turkeys. Three remained and were on their way to retreat.

One of the gunned men noticed and shouted, "The last three are getting away. Shoot 'em, Ned!"

The other man grabbed a rifle and shot them down. The war was over and the citizens cheered.

"We did it!" Stan cheered.

Distraught, the scientist looked at the carnage and exclaimed, "My God, what have we done?"

"We've saved Thanksgiving!" Chef answered with a smile.

"But all those poor turkeys... They're all dead!" The scientist pointed out.

"Every turkey dies. Not every turkey truly lives." Chef explained.

The scientist looked at the carnage again, "As horrible as they were, they felt like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations... Perhaps I should just -"

Chef cut him off and sighed, "Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

Once everything calmed down, two tall men in black suits and shades arrived on the scene. Both Caucasian, but one had dark brown hair and the other had lighter brown hair.

"Excuse me, sir. We're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy, who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of Taiko sports watch." The light brown-haired man said to Chef.

"Have you seen anyone fitting this description?" The dark-haired man asked, showing a photograph of Marvin.

The police officer shrugged his shoulders, "Oh. That could be a hundred kids in this town, mister."

I rolled my eyes. Then Marvin walked over to the men and tugged on the pants of the dark-haired man.

The man looked at Marvin and light smiled, "There you are!"

The light-haired man bent to Marvin's level and asked, "Are you ready to go home now?"

Marvin looked at us. We smiled at him, indicating that Ethiopia was where he really belonged. Not South Park. He looked at me with a sad look. I grabbed a piece of paper and pen from my pockets and wrote my address on it.

I walked over and gave it to him. Marvin took it, read it and looked at me.

"So, we can stay in touch." I explained.

Marvin smiled at me and nodded to the men.

The dark-haired man took hold of Marvin's hand and started walking off. But, Marvin looked back and grabbed a dead turkey. Then, the men and he left the town.

"Wow... It sucks he has to leave." Stan sulked.

Kyle nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman." Sam nodded.

Then Stan had an epiphany, "You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials. But people on TV are just as real as you or I."

"Yeah..." Kyle nodded, then realized, "And that means that McGyver is a real person too."

Sam and I giggled at Kyle. Looks like South Park is gonna be full of surprises.


	9. Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo.

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

It's been over a month since Thanksgiving and the Mutant Turkey fiasco. It's December and Christmas is just beyond the horizon. The school board thought it was a good idea for our class to feature a school play to celebrate Christmas before the holidays.

Mr. Garrison directed the play and we were on our second rehearsal from the top.

A group of kids stood on bleachers and sang in a merry tone,

_"We wish you a merry Christmas,_

_We wish you a merry Christmas,_

_We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"_

With the song finished, Stan and Sam walked to the center of the stage.

"Lights please?" Stan called.

The lights dimmed and a spotlight shone onto him and Sam.

Stan started the monologue, "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were so afraid."

Sam continued, "And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: For, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy. For born unto you this day in the city of David is a Savior, 'tis Christ the Lord. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men'."

Stan spoke louder, "And now, South Park Elementary presents-"

"The Birth of Jesus!" Sam and Stan finished is unison.

They gestured to the curtains and the curtains opened to reveal the scene of the Birth of Jesus.

Wendy was dressed as Mary. Kyle was dressed as Joseph. Cartman and a couple of other kids were dressed as the Three Wise Men and the Shepard. And Kenny, alive and well again, hung above the manger as the Angel.

Wendy imitated heavy breathing.

"Come on, Mary, push!" Kyle told her. She yelped and he alarmed, "I can see its head!"

Wendy yelped again and a baby doll, covered in red material, popped out from between her legs.

Kyle flipped the doll and held it up by the head, "It's a boy!

"Oooh!" Cartman and the other kids gasped.

"(It must be a miracle!)" Kenny shouted, muffled by his white parka.

"WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!" Mr. Garrison shouted from a megaphone.

The lights switched on to reveal we were rehearsing a play in the gymnasium. Mr. Garrison was on a chair, sitting in front of the stage, holding a megaphone over his mouth.

"Kyle, what the hell was that?" He asked Kyle, then pointed out, "You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head... What kind of sick weirdo are you?"

"Sorry." Kyle answered with an apologetic shrug.

Then Mr. Garrison turned to Wendy, "And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains."

"Okay." Wendy answered.

Just then, a middle-aged woman walked into the gymnasium, "Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"

The woman was on the short and stout build. Her hair was a vivid red, tied in a bun. Her skin was lightly tanned. She wore a white shirt under a dark blue blazer. A faded magenta skirt with dark tights and black shoes.

"Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play." Mr. Garrison explained, then pointed to Kyle, "But your son was holding baby Jesus fetus by the head."

"How dare you include the nativity in a school play!" The woman, Kyle's mother shouted, "Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!"

Kyle looked away in embarrassment, while the other kids looked at him.

"So?" Mr. Garrison asked with a shrug.

"So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathaea?!" Kyle's mother exclaimed.

"Because it's Christmas." Mr. Garrison answered with another shrug.

"Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas!" Kyle's mother explained.

The other kids gasped at this information and looked at each other. Kyle lowered his head in shame.

Mr. Garrison sighed and rolled his eyes, "Oh, God, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me are you?"

Eyes wide with shock, Kyle's mother exclaimed, "WHAT, WHAT, WHAAATT?!" Then told our teacher, "You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!"

Then the two adults started arguing amongst themselves.

"Oh good, Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!" Cartman sighed.

"Shut up, fat boy!" Kyle shouted.

"I'm not fat!" Cartman argued, then added in a calmer tone, "I'm festively plump!"

Stan looked at Kyle, "Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?"

Then the fighting stopped and Mr. Garrison sighed, "Oh, Okay!" Then he looked at Kyle, "Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?"

Kyle looked away in thought.

"How about the dreidel song, boopie?" His mother suggested.

Then Kyle stepped forward and spoke in a clear voice, "I can sing the Mr. Hankey song!"

A small smile grew on my face. Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo is a great idea. He's not a religious symbol or anything specific. He's just poo that lives in the Spirit of Christmas.

I can sometimes still hear his voice from underground...

"The Mr. Hankey song? How does that go?" Mr. Garrison asked.

_"Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo!"_ Kyle started singing.

_"He loves me, and I love you!"_ I sang along with him. Kyle glanced at me and smiled.

"Eleanor!" Sam scolded me. I stopped singing and sunk my head into my shoulders.

"Christmas Poo?!" Stan repeated.

"What the hell is Christmas Poo?" Cartman asked.

"Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo." Kyle answered, then asked, "Haven't you guys ever heard of it?"

"Kyle, that is enough!" Kyle's mother told her son in a strict tone.

"See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan." Mr. Garrison casually told her.

That triggered her temper, "Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!"

She stormed off. Mr. Garrison chased after her, "Oh wait! Wait! Wait! I'm sorry. Was it the pagan remark?!"

Wendy sat up and looked out the window of the gymnasium. She saw something and alerted, "You guys! Look!" She pointed to the window and we followed her gaze and saw something magical, "It's snowing!"

The entire class changed into their casual clothes, left the gymnasium and we all ran into the playground. Snowflakes nearly as big as your palm were floating gently to the ground. Beautiful patterns and a wonderful shade of snow white.

"Wow! Christmas snow!" Stan gasped with a smile.

"Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue." Wendy proposed. She stuck out her tongue and caught a snowflake with it. She smiled, "It's fun!"

All the other kids followed. It was fun catching snowflakes with your tongue. You just never know where the flake will land. Stan caught one. Then Cartman. Due to wearing a parka, Kenny raised his head to try and catch a flake.

However, a bald eagle flew by and let poop drop. Kenny caught the poop in his mouth.

Kenny quickly lowered his head and spat out the poop, "(Hey!)"

"Oh, sick, dude!" Stan shouted at Kenny.

I suppressed a laugh and grabbed a napkin from my pocket. I wiped the eagle poop from Kenny's mouth and his parka. Kenny gave me a thankful look.

Kyle stuck out his tongue, but-

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?!" Cartman asked, then shouted, "Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!"

"We can too!" Kyle argued.

Stan shook his head, "No, I think it's against the law, dude."

"Hey, Officer Barbrady!" Sam shouted out to the police officer, directing traffic at the intersection across the road.

The officer stopped a car and looked at her, "What?"

"Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?!" Sam asked.

After about two seconds of silence, the officer answered, "Yes."

Kyle looked at the ground and pouted, "Dammit!"

"Hey, come on guys, we have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas!" Stan informed us.

Cartman smiled and nodded, "Yeah." Then he looked at Kyle and teased, "We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come since you don't get Christmas presents."

"No, but I get Hanukkah presents for eight days!" Kyle shouted in anger.

Cartman rolled his eyes, "Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that."

The rest of the class started leaving the school. Wendy, Stan, Kenny and Cartman followed suit. Sam grabbed my hand and followed after them.

"We'll catch up with you later, Kyle." Stan farewelled.

"Wait!" Kyle shouted, "I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo!"

Kenny, Sam, Cartman, Stan and I stopped and turned to Kyle.

"What is this about Christmas Poo, dude?" Stan asked.

"Mr. Hankey." Kyle answered, "He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet."

Cartman sighed and rolled his eyes, "Oh Kyle, c'mon seriously, you are really reaching right now."

"Well, you're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fat ass!" Kyle shot back.

"You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle." Cartman fired back in a sour tone.

Stan waved to his best friend, "See ya, dude."

With that, we all left and Kyle was all alone. The other boys and I visited Santa Clause, sat on his lap and told him what we would like for Christmas.

When it came my turn to sit on Santa's lap, I told him I didn't want any toys or special treats this year. I told him I wanted one of my friends to have a happy Christmas, despite being Jewish. Santa said I was a good girl for asking this. Cartman just called me a gothic hippie.

Later tonight, Cartman, Kenny, Sam, Stan and I walked by the town hall, only to find most of the townsfolk rounded up and arguing amongst each other.

Upon a podium, Mayor McDaniels shouted to the crowd of people, "Okay, everybody, settle down!"

A random woman stepped forward and shouted, "Mayor, we are deeply offended by the nativity scene in front of the capital office! Church and State are separate!"

A percentage of the crowd shouted in agreement. Kyle joined us, "What's going on you guys?"

"The whole town is pissed off at each other." Stan answered, "It's really sweet."

I looked at the crowd and spoke up, "I sense chaos."

"That isn't all Mayor!" Kyle's mother spoke up, "The school play is doing a nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!"

"You are the Jewish community!" Mr. Garrison shouted.

The townspeople broke into shouts and complaints again.

Cartman rolled his eyes, "Oh boy, super bitch is at it again."

Sam gave him a hard kick in the shin, "Don't call Kyle's mom a bitch, Cartman! You don't like it when we call your mom a whore! So, don't with us!"

Kyle gave my sister a smile.

A man in a black shirt and blazer, with a white ring around his neck, a Catholic priest, stepped forward, "Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas is all about! If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa, and Frosty, and all that garbage too!"

The Mayor just rolled her eyes. Has this town been through this before, or is she that indifferent?

"And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!" A senior in a white sweater with Christmas tree in a heart shouted.

The crowd cheers in agreement.

"And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids!" A man in a hunters outfit added, "If you don't want to spill your coffee then you shouldn't be driving with it!"

The crowd look at each other on confusion, then they all cheer again, in spite of themselves.

"Okay, people..." The Mayor spoke up, quieting everyone down, "Clearly we need to reach a compromise... Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas."

"Ooh! Brilliant idea Mayor!" The assistant on her right smiled.

The townspeople go silent in thought. Then Kyle shouted in a clear voice, "Hey, how about Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo?"

Everyone looked at Kyle, as if he's gone nutters. Cartman, Sam and Stan rolled their eyes at him.

"Excuse me?" Mayor asked.

"Oh boy, here we go again." Stan sighed.

I noticed in the corner of my eye that Mr and Mrs. Broflovski shared a worried look.

I decided to speak up, "Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet."

Sam nudged me, "Ellie, stop!"

Kyle nodded in my defense, "It's true! He doesn't care what faith you are!"

Then Kyle and I broke into song,

_"Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo!_

_He loves me! And I love you!_

_Therefore, vicariously, he loves you!_

_Even if you're a-"_

Cartman quickly covered Kyle's mouth, "Don't mind him, he's a very disturbed little boy."

Sam covered my mouth, "And she's just nuts."

"(Kyle and Ellie are crazy!)" Kenny exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Stan nodded with a small laugh.

Mrs. Broflovski walked up to Kyle from behind and grabbed his arm, "Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right now!"

Then she dragged him out of the crowd and out of the town. Kyle cried, "Wait!"

But they were already gone. The Mayor returned to the matter at hand, "Anyway... I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this will be the most non-offensive Christmas ever to any religious or minority group of any kind." Then she asked, "Are there any other suggestions?"

Mr. Garrison raised his hand. "Yes, Mr. Garrison?" The Mayor asked.

"Could we get rid of all the Mexicans?" Mr. Garrison asked.

The Mayor rolled her eyes and shook her head, "No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans."

"Rats." Mr. Garrison cursed under his breath.

* * *

**_*Later that Night, at Ellie and Sam's house...*_**

Sam and I tucked ourselves into our beds, waiting for our mother to kiss us goodnight.

My nightwear consisted of a combination of a black t-shirt and shorts. Both with green and purple skull patterns.

Sam's nightwear was a pale blue nightdress with matching shorts underneath.

The bedroom door opened and Mum came walking in.

"Ready for bed, sweet hearts?" She asked in her motherly, melodic voice.

Mum's nightwear consisted of a white shirt and light blue shorts.

"Yes, Mom." Sam answered.

Mum sat by each of our bedsides and gave us a small kiss on the forehead. After she gave me her goodnight kiss, she gave me a look.

"Is something wrong, Ellie?" Mum asked me.

"It's nothing major, Mom." Sam answered, "Ellie was just singing that stupid Christmas Poo song again."

My head sunk into my shoulders.

Mum gave me a small smile and stroked my head, "Eleanor. You need to stop believing in these fairy tales. You're eight years old now."

"Yes, Mum." I answered in a quiet tone.

With that, Mum left the room, turned off the lights and closed the door. Sam wasted no time going to sleep. I closed my eyes and waited for DreamWorld to take me away. But images flashed before me from behind my eyelids.

Black eyes. White gloves. A Santa hat. A cheery smile. Then a mental hospital.

Anger and chaos. Sad singing. The word 'Noel' catching fire.

A Christmas tree with a Star of David wilting away and burning into ash.

And a voice.

_'Howdy Ho...'_

I gasped awake, "Mr. Hankey?"

I looked out the window and noticed that it was still night. Sam was still asleep, deeply and loudly breathing, and the stars twinkled in the sky.

I calmed down and rested my head on to my pillow again, but I couldn't close my eyes.

Something is gonna happen. It's just a matter of where and when.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning...*_**

Cartman, Stan, Kenny, Sam and I were waiting at the bus stop. I lightly yawned. I couldn't sleep after that dream.

Then Stan spoke up, "You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!"

"How do you know?" Cartman asked.

"'Cause I looked in my parents closet last night!" He answered with an excited smile.

Cartman smirked smugly, "Yeah, well I sneaked around my mom's closet too and saw what I'm getting: The 'UltraVibe Pleasure 2000'."

"What's that?" Sam asked.

Cartman shrugged, "I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet."

Finally, Kyle showed up. He was holding a small shoe-box, "Hello, everybody!"

"What's in the box, dude?" Stan asked.

Kyle shook his head, "It's a surprise!"

I sniffed the air. Something smelled like poo, or someone let off a bad fart.

Everyone circled around Kyle. Cartman exclaimed, "Lemme see!"

Kyle shrugged, "Oh, okay, but don't scare him..."

Stan slowly opened the box. Inside was a lump of poo. Stan, Kenny, Cartman and Sam looked a little disturbed. I heard the voice again.

_"Howdy Ho!"_

_Mr. Hankey? Is that you in there?_

"Dude! Sick!" Stan shouted at Kyle, snapping me back into reality.

Kyle looked at the poo in the box. He looked disappointed or dismayed.

"Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?!" Cartman asked.

"(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)" Kenny exclaimed, pointing at the poo.

"You took the words right out of my mouth, Kenny." Sam nodded, "That's fucking sick, Kyle!"

"Wait you guys! He's alive!" Kyle pleaded. He shook the box, but the poo didn't move.

"Kyle... I think you better get home and get some sleep." Stan told his best friend.

Kyle seemed to not have heard Stan, as he continued to shake the box, "Come on, dance! Dance!"

The rest of us looked at the Jewish boy is deep concern, "Dance damn you!" He shouted.

* * *

**_*A Little Later, At the School Gymnasium...*_**

The entire class was in the gymnasium, ready to rehearse our new, non-offensive Christmas play. However, when we got there, the Mayor's workers were taking down the Christmas decorations. Even the tree.

"Oh, do you have to take the Christmas tree too?" Mr. Garrison exclaimed in dismay.

"Mayor's orders." One of the workers answered with a shrug.

The children sulked, then Mr. Garrison spoke up, "Okay children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus OR Santa Claus..."

"Thanks to Kyle's mother." Cartman glared at Kyle.

"Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle shouted.

"So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs?" Mr. Garrison asked.

I raised my hand. Mr. Garrison looked at me with a glare, "That has nothing to do with Christmas Poo."

"What about 'Walking in the Air' by Howard Blake?" I suggested, "It was used for the know animated short, The Snowman."

Sam gave me a look, "Ellie, that song sucks."

I put my hood over my head and sunk my head into my shoulders. Cartman raised his hand with a smile.

"Yes, Eric?" Mr. Garrison looked at him.

"How about we sing 'Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch' in D minor." Cartman answered.

Kyle glared at the racist boy, "I told you _not_ to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!"

Cartman smiled in humor, "Oh!" Then broke into song, "Weeeeeelll...

_Kyle's mom's a bitch!_

_She a big fat bitch!_

_She's the biggest bitch In the whole wide world!_

_She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch!_

_She's a bitch to all the boys and girls._"

"Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle shouted.

Just then Kyle's box opened to reveal that the lump of poo has come to life. With black eyes, white-handed gloves and a Santa hat.

"Howdy ho!" The poo greeted with a wave.

"Mr. Hankey!" Kyle alerted in a soft and quiet tone.

A small smile grew on my face.

_Mr. Hankey! He's real! I knew he'd be!_

Cartman continued his song, the other children and Mr. Garrison clapping to the beat,

"_Monday she's a bitch!_

_On Tuesday she's a bitch!_

_And Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch!_

_And then on Sunday just to be different!_

_She's a super King Kamehameha Biyatch!_"

Mr. Hankey put his hands on his 'hips' and glared at Cartman, "Golly, that isn't very nice! I'd sure like to teach him a lesson!"

Cartman continued, oblivious to the talking poo,

"_Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?_

_She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!_

_She's a mean ol' bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bi... bi... bi... bi bitch..._

_She's a stupid bitch._

_Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's a just a dirty bitch._"

Then he reached the finale, "_Kyle's mom is a bitch-cha!_"

Mr. Hankey had enough. He leaped from the top of the box and toward Cartman.

"Mr. Hankey, NO!" Kyle cried, trying to grab Mr. Hankey.

But, his grip slipped and Mr. Hankey flew to collide with Cartman's cheek. Then he fell lifeless on the floor.

"What the...?" Mr. Garrison looked down at the little lifeless lump of poo on the floor.

Now, everyone was looking at it and gasped.

"Gross, Kyle!" Cartman shouted at Kyle.

"Oh my Lord!" Mr. Garrison exclaimed, "Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?!"

Kyle looked at his hands, where there was solid evidence of poo on his gloves, "Uhh..."

"Wait! It's not Kyle's fault!" I tried to defend, "It was Mr.-" Sam quickly covered my mouth.

Cartman shouted at Kyle, "You sick bastard!"

Kyle sunk his head into his jacket, as the rest of the class pointed and laughed at him.

Mr. Garrison escorted Kyle out of the gymnasium, then returned to the matter at hand. Sam removed her hand from my mouth. Mr. Garrison looked and noticed the ceiling still had Christmas lights hanging.

_Oh no..._

"Okay, children, we've just received word from the Mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy." Mr. Garrison told the class.

The children all moaned.

Mr. Garrison turned to Kenny, "So, Kenny, would you please go over and pull the light cords out of the wall?"

We looked over to the wall, where the lights were plugged. The wall was cracked, due to a lot of lights attached to the same socket, and it was next to a leaking facet. Kenny looked scared for a second, then carefully walked over to the plugs.

"Careful now Kenny, those are very, very dangerous." Mr. Garrison told the hooded boy.

The children all watched as Kenny grabbed the cords to pull them out. I held my breath. There is a spark, but Kenny was able to remove the plugs, unharmed. He and I shared a sigh of relief and Kenny walked back to the group.

With the lights taken care of, Mr. Garrison resumed our session, "Okay, now let's practice our-"

However, he was cut off by the school counselor running across the other end of the hall, "No! Get away from me!"

The Counselor was a younger male with dark hair and eyes. He wore a pair of black framed glasses, a green jacket and deep blue pants. Tall and slender, but has a head like a balloon.

Kyle was close behind him, holding another lump of poo, "Here, just look more closely at it!"

Mr. Hankey must have appeared again.

"No! Go away!" The Counselor shouted, then turned to Stan, "Stan, you need to do something about your friend, m'kay? Get him outta here before he hurts anybody, m'kay?"

With that, the boys, Sam and I escorted Kyle to the mental institute just outside of town. The institute was well-decorated with Christmas decorations. Guess the inmates are not offended by any means of the spirit of Christmas. That's good.

We entered the main foyer of the institute, where a bored-looking nurse was in registry, jotting on a clipboard.

Stan spoke up to the nurse, "Hello, we need to commit our friend Kyle, please."

"Reason?" The nurse asked.

"I'm a clinically depressed fecalpheliac on prosaic." Kyle answered in a deadpan tone.

"Any allergies?" The nurse asked.

"No." Kyle answered.

"Jacket!" The nurse called.

Two large men in white uniforms burst out of the double doors, slapped Kyle into a straight-jacket and dragged him into the double doors.

Cartman waved, "Bye, Kyle! Happy Hanukkah!"

I glared at Cartman and punched him in the face.

Sam turned to the woman on the register, "Is there by any chance that I can admit my sister here too?"

"Reason?" She asked.

"I'm clinically insane and an insomniac." I answered.

"Any allergies?" She asked.

I shook my head, "No."

Then she called, "Jacket!"

Just like Kyle, two men in white uniforms burst out of the double doors, slapped me into a straight-jacket and dragged me into the double doors. The last thing I saw was Kenny waving good-bye, and Sam smiling.

One of these days, Sam. You will learn that there's no such thing as normal.

* * *

**_*Later, That Night...*_**

I sat in my white padded cell, looking out the window and saw it was nightfall. Without a doubt, the school play was happening. And without a doubt, something has gone horribly wrong and the townsfolk started fighting with each other...

Just a hunch. Don't quote me on it yet.

I looked away from the window and sighed, singing, "_We're walking in the air... We're floating in the moonlit sky... The people far below are sleeping as we fly..._"

Suddenly, I heard banging against my cell door. I looked at my door and saw a familiar small figure wave, "Howdy Ho, Nellie!"

"Mr. Hankey?" I recognized with a gasp.

"Come on out, Nellie. It's Christmas." Mr. Hankey told me.

The nurses and doctors opened the door. On the other side was Kyle, Kenny and Sam. Cautiously, I exit the cell and the doctors got me out of the straight-jacket.

Sam threw her arms around me, "I'm sorry, Ellie. I guess you're not as insane as I thought."

With that, Kyle, Kenny, Sam and left the institution and we joined our friends and the other townsfolk, that were holding festive candles. Kenny gave me a candle and we all started to sing,

_"Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo!_

_He loves me! I love you!"_

Mr. Hankey bounced over to my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek.

_"Therefore, vicariously, he loves you!_

_Even if you're a Jew!"_

Mr. Hankey bounced over to the roof of the institute and passed some presents to the townspeople.

Then a townsperson in a red scarf took the first verse of the song,

_"Sometimes he's nutty!_

_Sometimes he's corny!_

_He can be brown or greenish brown!_

_But if you eat fiber Christmas Eve,_

_He might come to your town!"_

Mr. Hankey jumped down from the roof, "Well, I've got a long night ahead of me." Then he waved, "Bye, bye! And Merry Christmas!"

With that, he jumped and landed on to Santa's sleigh.

Cartman waved, "Goodbye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!"

"Howdy Ho, Ho, Ho!" Santa cheered, as he flew past us.

With that, Mr. Hankey and Santa were gone.

Then Stan spoke up, "You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are OK, and that Hanukkah can be cool too."

Kyle nodded, "Yeah."

Then everything went silent for a few seconds, then Kyle spoke up, "You know... It seems like something's still not right..."

I silently held my breath again, as Cartman nodded, "Yeah... Something feels unfinished."

"Well, what could it be?" Sam asked.

A moment of silence. Kenny looked around, then jumped for joy. I let out a sigh in relief. Let's hope the New Year goes well.

Life is getting pretty exciting.


	10. Tom's Rhinoplasty

Tom's Rhinoplasty

* * *

(**A/N: Since the next episode was originally 'Damien', I thought I'd skip it and go in chronological order. Since Cartman's birthday is July 1st, 'Damien will take place before the Summer Holiday episode on the Second Season... I think... Thank you. ^_^**)

* * *

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

It's quiet in school today. The entire third grade was waiting for Mr. Garrison to show up, so we can start the class. Since it's almost Valentine's Day, we should be planning something for the day.

Wendy looked over to Stan, "Stan, you know it's almost Valentines day..."

Stan nodded, "I know."

"Maybe we should go on a cruise or something." She suggested.

Stan quickly shook his head, "I can't afford a cruise, dude!"

"I know." Wendy nodded, then added sweetly, "But we could make a little boat out of cardboard, and pretend it's a cruise!"

Cartman overheard and burst into a hysterical fit of laughter.

"Shut up Cartman!" Stan shouted.

Cartman continued to laugh, but was able to say, "That is so lame!" He was able to calm himself down eventually.

Wendy continued, "And then we could dress up in little costumes and pretend like we're getting married."

Cartman burst into hysterical laughter again and ended up falling off his desk, "Stop, seriously. You're killing me over here."

He calmed and climbed back to his desk. Principal Victoria arrived to the front of the class.

"Children, I have some difficult news for you... Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery." She announced to the class.

The children cheered, as Principal Victoria continued, "So you're going to have a substitute teacher."

And the cheering stopped and morphed into frowns and moans.

"And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison..." Principal Victoria continued. Kyle raised his hand, "Yes, little boy?"

"We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison." He told her flatly.

She stood there and uttered, "Oh." Then resumed, "Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute... Ms. Ellen."

The substitute, Ms. Ellen entered the classroom and smiled at us, "Hello, children."

Ms. Ellen was a young woman of late 20's to early 30's. She had short ravenette hair and matching dark eyes. She wore a dark blue cardigan over a lighter blue collared shirt. Dark grey skirt and black sandals.

She was quite beautiful.

"Whoa..." Stan and Kyle gasped.

"Wow, she's pretty!" Cartman smiled.

"(God, I want to get a piece of her.)" Kenny muffled with a smile in his tone.

Stan nodded, "You can say that again!"

Kenny repeated, "(God, I want to get a piece of her.)"

Principal Victoria made her way out the classroom, "Good Luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control just use this tear gas, okay?"

She put a canister of tear gas on the desk, then exit the room.

"Thank you, I'm sure I'll be fine." Ms. Ellen assured.

The boys stared at Ms. Ellen. Bashful smiles grew on their faces.

"Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery... But I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us." The new substitute assured the class.

The boys continued to stare at Ms. Ellen, enthralled by her beauty. Wendy noticed Stan's expression and gasped in worry.

"Stan? Stan?" She called him.

Stan remained focused on the substitute teacher.

Ms. Ellen grabbed a clipboard with a piece of paper on it, "Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments." She read the paper and looked at Cartman, "You are... Eric Cartman?"

Cartman nodded, "Yes ma'am!"

She looked at the paper again, "Okay..." Then turned to Stan, "And you must be Stan Marsh!"

Stan vomited a small puddle over his desk. Wendy's eyes widen in shock and disbelief.

"Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?" Ms. Ellen asked in concern.

Cartman shook his head, "No, he always pukes when he's in love."

"I'll kick your ass, Cartman!" Stan shouted at him.

"So you're alright?" Ms. Ellen asked.

Stan puked again. Wendy sulked.

Kyle looked over Stan's barf puddle and noticed, "Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?"

With that, Ms. Ellen resumed learning everyone's names via their sitting assignments. Of course when she turned to me, she asked about the black bruises around my eyes. Sam explained I have trouble sleeping and that it was nothing to worry about.

Come recess and the boys were arguing about who she was looking at the most during the first class.

"She wasn't looking at you, ButtLord! She was looking at me!" Cartman argued.

"Well that goes without saying, Fat-ass!" Kyle pointed out, "How could she help but look at you?"

"You guys can stop fighting, it was me she was checking out." Stan argued.

"Until you puked on her." Cartman added.

Sam and I rolled our eyes. Boys... Then Chef joined us.

"Hello there, children." He greeted.

"Hey, Chef." Sam and I greeted.

"What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?" Chef asked us.

"Ms. Ellen, dude." Kyle answered, "She's beautiful!"

I sensed something cold in the air. I looked over and saw Wendy sitting on the swing-set, next to her friend Bebe. Wendy was sulking, and Bebe was looking at her with pity.

"Is she like, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful?" Chef asked.

The boys looked at each other in thought, as Chef continued, "Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rodgers beautiful?"

"She's Halle Berry beautiful, but Caucasian." I answered.

"Car-What?" Sam asked me.

"White-skinned." I translated.

Stan pointed at me and nodded, "Yeah, that one!"

Chef gasped, "Whoo! I gotta meet this woman!"

Wendy jumped off the swing-set and walked over to Stan, "Stan. Didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?"

Stan shook his head, "No."

"Well it is!" She exclaimed.

"That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other..." Chef spoke up.

Kenny nodded, "(Yeah. They can always finger their pussy.)"

Chef nodded, "That's right!"

Sam gave Kenny a disgusted look, "Kenny! Gross!"

Kenny shrugged, "(What?)"

"Well did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?" Wendy asked.

Chef assured, "That's okay, you know what they say about women with a mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it..."

He looked at Kenny. Kenny just shrugged in confusion.

"Stan, we're still valentines, right?" Wendy asked in desperation.

Stan nodded, "Sure, Wendy, whatever."

Then Kyle spoke up, "Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's day presents!"

Stan nodded with a smile, "Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!"

Then the boys walked off. Cartman spoke up, "I'm going to buy a vacuum cleaner. Chicks love vacuum cleaners."

Recess was over and everyone returned to class. Ms. Ellen was writing multiplications on the chalk board, then noticed the erasers were full of chalk.

"Oh, goodness." She sighed, then turned to the class, "Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?"

The boys shot their hands up with Cartman calling, "Me, me, me, me!"

Bebe glared at the boys, "You guys are so immature! Act like eight year olds!"

Ms. Ellen looked at Stan, "Stan, how about you?"

Stan vomited over his desk, then answered, "I'd love to!"

Wendy's sad expression turned to anger and jealousy. Uh oh.

Then Ms. Ellen looked at the rest of the class, "Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables."

Cartman raised his hand. Ms. Ellen looked at him, "Cartman?"

"What's a multiplication table?" He asked.

"Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?" Ms. Ellen asked in shock.

Some of the students shook their heads.

"Well, where did he leave off?" She asked.

Cartman answered, "We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth was going out with that Richard Greico guy that used to be on '21 Jump Street', but then he got his own show for just a little while."

Ms. Ellen stared in shock, then Chef walked in unannounced. He was holding something in his hand.

Chef waved, "Oh, hello!"

Ms. Ellen looked at him and asked, "Can I help you?"

"I'm Chef..." Chef introduced in a suave tone.

Ms. Ellen tilted her head, "And?"

"I just, uh..." Chef drew a blank, then showed a box of Whitey's Washing Detergent, "I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground."

The boys looked at Chef in confusion.

"My laundry detergent?" Kyle repeated.

"That's not Kyle's lau-" Stan was about to argue, then Chef 'shush'ed him and put the detergent on Kyle's desk, "Crazy crackers are always leaving their detergent all over the place."

Then Chef turned his attention back to Ms. Ellen, "What was your name again?"

"Uh-oh. Chef's movin' in on Ms. Ellen!" Cartman whispered.

"I'm the substitute." Ms. Ellen introduced herself.

Chef smiled, "Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you."

Ms. Ellen smiled, "That's very nice, Mr. Chef. Now if you're finished-"

But, of course, Chef broke into song,

_"Nobody could take your place,_

_No way they could match your face 'no,_

_You got it goin on in a way so clear..._

_I just wanna buy you a beer-_

_Or maybe tonight at seven thirty or something I could come by and pick you up in my car..._

_(No Substitute) No substitute for you,_

_(No substitute) No baby there's... (No substitute) for you girl (No substitute) for you now._

_You know that it's true, (No substitute)_

_There's just no substitute for you."_

"We have GOT to learn how to do this, dude." Stan spoke up.

Kyle nodded, "Yup."

"That was enthralling, Mr. Chef." Ms. Ellen thanked, "But, could I get back to teaching now?"

"If we can have dinner tonight." Chef offered.

Ms. Ellen nodded, "Fine, Chef, just let me do my job before I get fired."

"Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!" Cartman exclaimed.

Ms. Ellen heard him and exclaimed, "What!?"

After a little explanation, we returned to our lesson of multiplication. The school bell rang and the kids all started filing out.

"Okay, kids remember your homework. We have a lot of catching up to do!" Ms. Ellen told us as we left.

"Goodbye, Ms. Ellen!" Cartman farewelled in a sweet tone.

"Stop kissing ass, Cartman!" Kyle shouted.

"I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!" Cartman argued.

All the other boys said their goodbyes to Ms. Ellen. Wendy was the last to leave. Something told me to stay behind and listen.

"Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?" Wendy asked Ms. Ellen.

Ms. Ellen nodded, "Of course, Wendy."

Wendy sat on the little chair next to the Teacher's Desk. Sam came back to me.

"What's up, Ellie?" She asked.

"I sense danger." I answered.

Sam rolled her eyes, "Oh no, not this again."

"I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend Stan." Wendy told Ms. Ellen.

Ms. Ellen softly chuckled, "Oh... Well I've taken a liking to all of you! You're all so young and cute and full of life!"

"Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?" Wendy asked.

Ms. Ellen nodded, "Of course, Wendy."

Wendy looked at the substitute teacher eye-to-eye and shouted, "Don't! Fuck! With! Me!"

Sam and Ms. Ellen gasped with their mouths wide open, "What?"

"You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup you're sorry Ho ass back to last year!" Wendy warned her. Then she hopped off the chair and sweetly farewelled, "Bye, Ms. Ellen!"

I looked at Sam, who was still shocked of Wendy's words, "Still think I'm crazy?"

* * *

**_*The Next Day...*_**

Today was Valentine's Day. And everyone brought gifts for Ms. Ellen. Well... Mostly the boys. Ms. Ellen sat at her desk, surrounded by gift wrapped boxes.

Ms. Ellen smiled at the boys, "Well, I certainly want to thank you all you lovely children for the presents you bought me..."

The boys glowed in admiration. Ms. Ellen opened the first present, which was wrapped in red paper and silver ribbon. She gasped and smiled, "Oh! What a delightful scarf! Thank you, Kyle!"

Kyle smiled quite smug.

"Loser-gift. Loser-gift." Stan commented between fake coughs.

Ms. Ellen grabbed another wrapped in red paper and silver ribbon, "And here's one from Kenny..." She opened it and smiled, "Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious looking sausage."

Kenny softly giggled.

She opened a tall present, wrapped in purple and silver ribbon, and smiled, "Oh, and what a nice alarm clock! Thank you Stan!"

Stan vomited over his desk again. Wendy thumped a fist on her desk in anger.

Ms. Ellen grabbed another present. It was wrapped in black paper and red ribbon, "And here's another present... From Wendy!"

She opened the present and gasped, "Oh, why it's a dead animal. Thank you Wendy!"

Wendy gritted her teeth in fury. Ms. Ellen put the dead rabbit under her desk.

"See? She liked my present the best!" Stan spoke up.

Kyle looked at Cartman, "Where's your present, Cartman?"

"Oh well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but I left it at home." Cartman answered innocently.

I gave him a deadpan look, "You ate it, didn't you?"

Cartman looked at me quickly, "No!"

"Then why is there chocolate on your chin?" I asked, pointing to the left side of my chin.

Cartman quickly wiped the brown stain, "It's not chocolate! It's mud! I fell down in my backyard yesterday."

I rolled my eyes and looked back at the chalk board.

"Okay, kids, we're going to take a spelling test now." Ms. Ellen told everyone.

Everyone moaned and groaned.

"But, as an extra incentive, I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner!" She added with a small smile.

The boys' faces lit up in a second.

Cartman exclaimed, "Oh, man! I wish I knew how to spell!"

"Are there any questions before we begin?" Ms. Ellen asked. Wendy raised her hand, "Yes, Wendy?"

"When someone gets as old as you, do they have to wear depends undergarments?" Wendy asked.

Ms. Ellen went silent in shock.

* * *

**_*A Little Later, in the Cafeteria...*_**

The boys, Sam and I were waiting in line, to grab some lunch. The boys were talking about the spelling test.

"Dude, I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!" Kyle spoke up.

Stan shook his head, "No you're not, I don't think I missed any!"

Then Wendy showed up with Bebe, and a lunch tray in her hands, "Hi, Stan."

However Stan didn't hear her and added, "I bet I scored a hundred!"

"HI, STAN!" She yelled.

The boys turned to her. "Oh, hi Wendy." Stan greeted.

"I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen." Wendy told us.

"No, she wasn't!" Kyle argued.

"Yes, she was!" Wendy shouted.

Stan shook his head, "That's impossible."

"Well, she did." She argued, then added, "And she has horrible, horrible gas, too. She says she can't control it."

Cartman shook his head, "Nuh-uh."

Wendy nodded and continued, "It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun."

Kyle smiled, "Oh, cool!"

I decided to speak up, "Alright, Wendy. You need to calm down from this jealousy with Ms. Ellen."

Sam nodded, "Yeah. You're starting to act like a freak."

Wendy yelled at the top of her lungs, "NO, I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREAK!" There was silence, then she walked off.

Cartman sighed, "Oh man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass."

With that, it was our turn to enter the kitchen. Chef was sulking.

"Hello there, children." He greeted in a sad tone.

"Oh hey, Chef." Cartman greeted.

"How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?" Kyle asked.

"Not too good." Chef answered.

"What happened?" I asked in concern.

"Didn't you make sweet love to her?" Stan asked.

Chef quickly shook his head, "No, no! She's not like that." Then he explained, "You see..." He rubbed his chin in thought, "How do I put this?..." Then looked at us again, "Children, Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team."

The boys looked at each other in confusion.

"In other words, children... She's not a member of the heterosexual persuasion." Chef tried to simplify.

The boys drew blanks.

"Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!" Chef told us.

Sam smiled, "Oh. That makes perfect sense."

"A what-bian?" Stan asked.

"A plebeian?" Kyle asked.

Chef looked at the boys, "You boys don't know what a lesbian is?"

The boys turned to Kenny, "Kenny?"

Kenny just shrugged his shoulders.

Stan turned Chef, "No. Explain it to us, Chef."

Chef shook his head, "Uhh, that's okay. Uhh..." Then he told us, "Look, all you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians."

"Oh." Stan uttered.

"Now, move along, children. You're holding up the line." Chef told us.

We all took a tray each and walked out of the kitchen.

"Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?" Kyle exclaimed.

Then an idea hit Stan, "Hey, man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!"

Kyle smiled, "Hey, Yeah!"

Then Cartman spoke up, "You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish and my grandpa was lesbian! That makes me quarter-lesbian!"

"You're just saying that Cartman!" Stan pointed out.

"Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat ass!" Kyle told him.

"I am too!" Cartman argued.

* * *

**_*Later after School, In Cartman's House...*_**

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Sam and I entered Cartman's house, to find Cartman on all-fours and licking the carpet like a cow.

"What the hell are you doing, Cartman?" Stan asked, holding a CD case.

Cartman sat up, "My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet."

"Really?" Kyle asked.

"Well I got a Indiglo girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect." Stan informed.

He put the CD into the CD player. And Kyle put his new shoes on, "And I got these killer Berkenstocks."

With that, the boys all went on all-fours and started licking the carpet like cows in a barn.

Sam threw her arms in the air, "That's it. I'm out."

She left the house, dragging me with her, by my hoodie, "Ow, ow, ow!"

The last thing I heard, before Sam closed the door, was Cartman shouting, "This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!"

'Three hours'? Holy shit!

* * *

**_*Later that evening, At Ellie and Sam's house...*_**

It was quiet at the dinner table. Our mother, Sam and I were eating fish fingers (**A/N: Fish sticks if you're American or Canadian**), mashed potatoes and peas with sweetcorn.

Mum decided to speak up, "So girls, I heard you have a new substitute teacher."

"Yeah. Her name is Ms. Ellen." Sam answered.

"Is she nice?" Mum asked.

"Nice as she is beautiful." I answered, "She's caught the attention of the boys. It's concerning."

"How so, Ellie?" She asked me.

I put my fork and knife on the plate and looked at Mum.

Of course Sam spoke up, "Ms. Ellen is a lesbian and a girl in our class, Wendy, is crazy-jealous of her."

Mum giggled and assured, "All girls get jealous of their new teacher. She'll get over it. You'll see."

Sam nodded, "You're right, Mom."

I silently shook my head. As far as we know Wendy, she's the type of person that can really hold a grudge and is true to her word. I fear Ms. Ellen is gonna die before she could explain anything to us.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, At School...*_**

It was beginning of class and the boys were giddly with excitement.

"I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!" Stan smiled.

"I'm a bigger lesbian than you!" Cartman pointed out.

Stan looked over and argued, "No, you're a FATTER lesbian than me."

Kyle shook his head, "Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!"

Clyde over to the door and gasped, "Whoa! Is that Wendy Testaburger?!"

Everyone turned to the door and saw Wendy walk into class. She was dressed in black leather like Olivia Newton John from Grease. Even her hair was all frizzy and curled. Heavy green eye-shadow, blush and lipstick with a cigarette in her mouth. Thank goodness it wasn't lit.

I rested my head into my arms, over my desk with a heavy sigh.

Wendy walked across the classroom and dropped the cigarette on the floor. Then she looked at the boys, mostly at Stan, "Hi guys. What's up?"

"Wow... Wendy looks just like that chick from grease, Elton John." Cartman gasped, as Wendy walked past him.

"Olivia Newton John." I corrected under my arms.

"That's what I said." Cartman argued with me. So I put my hood over my head.

Wendy took her seat.

Stan smile, "Wow." Then greeted, "Hi, Wendy."

Wendy looked at him and acted casually, "Oh, hi Stan." Then she leaned over and whispered to Bebe, "I think it worked, Bebe!"

Bebe nodded, "Yeah!"

Then Ms. Ellen walked into the class, "Good morning, children!"

The entire class turned to her. Sam tapped my shoulder in a rapid rhythm. I lifted my head and looked at Miss. Ellen. She, too, was wearing a black leather outfit too.

Stan beamed, "Wow!"

I banged my head back into my arms, as Ms. Ellen made her way to the chalkboard and Cartman said, "Damn! Get down!"

Stan nodded, "Yeah!"

Ms. Ellen must have noticed what Wendy was wearing, because she gasped, "Oh, Wendy, you wore black leather, too!"

I felt Wendy's jealousy and anger reach the boiling point.

"We're like sisters!" Ms. Ellen smiled.

"DIE!" Wendy shouted in an explosion of rage and absolute envy.

I lifted my head and looked at the front of the class. Ms. Ellen grabbed a piece of paper, "Alright, kids, I've finished grading your papers. And the person with the highest score is..."

Just then, Mr. Garrison arrived, "Hello there, children!"

He was flashing his new nose job with a confident smile. I can't say I blame him. Mr. Garrison looked like a younger David Hasslehoff from Baywatch. Oh, boy...

Stan sulked, "Oh no, Mr. Garrison's back!"

Cartman sulked as well, "Oh, weak, dude."

However, Wendy smiled, leaped out of her desk, and cartwheeled around the classroom, "Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!" Then she sang, "He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back!" She looked at Ms. Ellen and waved, "So long, Substitute! Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out now!"

"Children, I have a very important announcement to make..." Mr. Garrison spoke up. Wendy calmed down, and he finished, "I'm quitting my job as a teacher."

Wait, what?! Okay, that felt like a bucket of ice-cold water splashed over my head.

Wendy shared the same expression, "What?"

Mr. Garrison explained, "It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching and do what I've always dreamed of doing... Hang out and screw hot chicks."

The entire classroom gasped at this announcement.

Wendy was lost for words, "You... You can't!"

Mr. Garrison continued, "But the good new is, I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it, and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher!"

Principal Victoria arrived at the doorway. The class cheered.

"Really?" Ms. Ellen gasped.

Principal Victoria nodded, "That's right." Then asked, "Will you stay?"

"Well, sure!" Ms. Ellen answered with a smile.

"NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO!" Wendy screamed at the top of her lungs.

Then Ms. Ellen remembered, "Oh, by the way kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me is... Stan!"

Stan vomited over his desk again, then smiled, "Kick ass!"

"NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!" Wendy screamed again.

Then Principal Victoria remembered, "Oh, and Wendy I almost forgot. We just got a call in the office, your grandma just died."

With that, Wendy's emotions exploded and she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Principal Victoria smiled, "Oh my! What an exciting day!"

I hit my head over my desk again.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning...*_**

The school bell rang to indicate it was time for class. The entire class were getting to their seats. Last night was a nightmare. Nobody warned about thunderstorms coming to South Park during winter. I had to spend the night in the basement!

Not for freakish reasons. I'm terrified of thunderstorms.

Anywho, Kyle leaned over to Stan and asked, "So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?"

"Did you make love?" Cartman asked.

Stan nodded, "I think so."

"No way!" Cartman smiled.

Stan smiled back, "Yup."

"Down by the fire?" Kyle asked.

Stan nodded again, "Yup."

"(Well, did you stick it in Ms. Ellen's vagina)?" Kenny asked.

"Did I WHAT?!" Stan exclaimed.

"Kenny! Sick!" Sam shouted.

Then Ms. Ellen arrived and took a seat in the Teacher's desk, "Good morning, children."

All the boys sat up straight. Wendy climbed out of her desk and walked over to our new teacher, "Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?"

Ms. Ellen nodded, "Sure, but can it wait until after class, Wendy?"

Wendy shook her head, "No." Then told her, "I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting."

Ms. Ellen smiled, "Oh, that's okay, Wendy."

Wendy shook her head again, "No, it's not." Then she sulked, "Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends."

I narrowed my eyes at Wendy.

Ms. Ellen smiled, "Well I would love that, Wendy."

Then Wendy turned to the entire class, "And I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong, and I've learned from it." Tears welled up in her eyes, "I just wish Stan and Ms. Ellen would have all the happiness in the world."

Stan noticed her tears and his expression changed to sympathy and sadness. I folded my arms and leaned over my desk. Something didn't feel right. It was like Wendy was stalling, or giving a signal to someone other than Stan.

I don't like it.

Sam must have noticed and whispered to me, "What is it, Ellie? You 'sense' danger again?"

"Wait for it." I answered.

"Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!" Ms. Ellen assured.

"That's not what we just heard!" Cartman replied in a sing-song tone.

With that, Wendy returned to her desk, still sad and sulking. Ms. Ellen returned to the lesson of the morning, "Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting."

Suddenly, there was a loud commotion coming from outside the classroom. The door was kicked open and a group of 8 Iraqi soldiers entered the classroom.

"Down! Down! Everybody down!" The leader shouted.

"What the hell?!" Cartman exclaimed.

Everyone ducked under their desks, as the soldiers took over the class and surrounded Ms. Ellen.

"So, we meet again, Ms. Ellen." The leader greeted.

Ms. Ellen looked at the commotion in confusion. Principal Victoria walked in and asked, "And just what is going on here, mister?"

"I am Hakeem Korashki of the mighty nation of Iraq!" The leader answered, then pointed to Ms. Ellen. "This woman is a traitor to our government!"

Ms. Ellen stood up from her desk, "It's a lie!"

Two of the soldiers grabbed her arms.

"She has killed thousands, and will kill again I assure you!" The leader told Principal Victoria.

Principal Victoria turned to Ms. Ellen, "Ms. Ellen is this true?"

Ms. Ellen quickly shook her head, "NO!"

"We must take her back to Iraq immediately!" The leader told the kind principal.

Wendy smiled, "Oh, cool!"

"Principal Victoria, please!" Ms. Ellen pleaded.

"Here is a black and white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader-" The leader showed an old photo of Ms. Ellen with the nasty Iraqi tyant Sadaam Hussein, "Her real name is 'Makesh Alak Makarakesh'!"

I shook my head. They can't be serious. That photo was obviously altered.

Principal Victoria glared at Ms. Ellen, "Well, Ms. Makarakesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy!" Then she told the soldiers, "Take her away!"

Ms. Ellen struggled free from the soldiers that had hold of her arms, and grabbed one of their scimitars, "NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

She swung the sword in warning, then her grip slipped and flew out of her hand. The sword flew toward Kenny, who wasn't under his desk, and pierced him clean between his eyes. The sword took Kenny with it, pinning him onto the wall.

I covered my mouth at the sight.

"Oh my God! She killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted at Ms. Ellen with an angry glare.

The soldiers grabbed Ms. Ellen again and dragged her out of the classroom. Ms. Ellen struggled, shouting, "NOOO!"

Once the Iraqi soldiers and Ms. Ellen was gone, everything calmed down and everyone returned to their seats.

"Wow! What incredible irony!" Wendy noted in a sarcastic, but subtle, dumbfounded tone.

A little later, the entire school was evacuated, as the police and an ambulance arrived to clean up what happened with the soldiers and Ms. Ellen.

"Wow... I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive..." Stan gasped.

Wendy shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, you just never know."

Stan looked at Wendy, "Well, I guess...I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff."

Wendy smiled, "Happy Valentines Day, Stan."

She puckered and leaned closer to Stan. He leaned closer, but looked a little nervous. Once they were close enough, Stan barfed into Wendy's mouth.

Wendy quickly spat the vomit out of her mouth and exclaimed, "Ew!"

"Sorry." Stan apologized with a sulk.

"No, it's okay Stan!" Wendy assured with a smile, "Everything's going to be okay!"

Kyle looked over at Cartman, who was eating a cardboard box, "Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?"

Cartman nodded, "Yeah dude, my mom says all I have to do is chow on this box."

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Oh, for the love of..." I walked over to Cartman and took the box out of his hands, "Cartman, you can't become a lesbian."

Cartman glared at me, "Yes, I can!"

I shook my head, "No, you can't. You wanna know what a lesbian is?" This caught the boys' attention. "A lesbian is a female gay. Ms. Ellen likes women." I told them.

The boys stared at me for a second, then realization hit them, "Oh."

* * *

**_*Later that afternoon, In Wendy's Backyard...*_**

With Ms. Ellen gone. Wendy thought it would be nice to throw a party in her backyard, for Valentine's Day. Everyone invited was having a great time and enjoying the drinks and food.

A young teacher with ravenette hair and dark eyes walked up to Wendy. She wore a yellow jumper over a white collared shirt, a red skirt and black shoes. She smiled, "Great Party, Wendy."

Wendy nodded, "Thanks, Mrs. Kimble." Then added, "Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher."

The teacher patted her head, "Anything for you, sugar pie."

I decided to confront Wendy for what has happened recently.

Wendy glanced at me and greeted, "Oh, hi. Eleanor, right?"

I nodded, "Yeah. Listen, I've been thinking, Wendy..." I put my hands behind me, "This whole outcome is pretty strange..."

Wendy nodded, "Uh-huh." Then glanced to her left, "Excuse me."

She turned to a group of Iraqi soldiers. The same ones from before. They started talking to each other in the Arabian tongue. I was able to understand bits and pieces they were saying. Wendy gave them a great sum of money and the leader walked off with a pleased smile.

"Wendy, what was that about?" I asked, "What did that fellow mean by 'The deed is done'?"

Bebe looked at me with shock, "You understood all that?"

I shrugged, "You gets pieces and you've already solved the puzzle."

"Wait, wait! Shh!" Wendy shushed me, "It's time to whip out the eclipse shoe boxes!"

She grabbed a shoe-box and looked through it. She sighed with a smile, "Bye, bye, Ms. Ellen."

I gasped, "Wendy, you didn't!"

Wendy just looked at me. She started to laugh. My eyes widened as her laughter began to turn completely insane. She even had a look of insanity in her eyes.

She did!

She calmed down and told me, "I told her! Don't. Fuck. With. Wendy. Testaburger!"


	11. Mecha-Streisand

Mecha-Streisand.

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

"And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the Earth's crust! We dig 'em up, polish 'em off and find over twelve new arrowheads every month!" The Anthropologist explained, with two arrowheads in his hand.

Today, the class was having a field trip to an archaeological dig, to learn about history long forgotten and soon remembered.

"Booorrrring." Cartman sighed loudly.

The other kids laughed.

"Eric, keep quiet!" Mr. Garrison called from the other side, laying on a rock and a newspaper over his head, "I'm trying to sleep!"

"Now, can anybody tell me who left these arrowheads here?" The Anthropologist asked.

Stan raised his hand, "Isn't that _your_ job?"

"Well, yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything." The Anthropologist explained.

"Oh." Stan uttered.

I raised my hand, but the Anthropologist missed me, "Okay, I tell you what, why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes that were handed out, and we'll dig for our very own Indian Arrowheads!"

The other children cheered and picked a place to start digging. Cartman started singing in rhythm of his pick-axe,

"_Day is never finished,_

_Massa got me working._

_Some day Massa set me free..._"

"Dude, shut up, Cartman!" Stan shouted at Cartman.

Suddenly Pip picked up a large arrowhead, "I think I found one!"

But Cartman grabbed the other end, "No, I found it!"

"Oh, I do believe I found it first." Pip argued politely.

Cartman shook his head and pulled the arrowhead toward himself, "No, I did, Pip!"

"Oh, dear..." Pip muttered.

"Well, guess we'll have to Ro-sham-bo for it." Cartman suggested.

"What do you mean?" Pip asked.

"Uh-oh..." I muttered under my breath.

"Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can." Cartman explained, "Then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. Last one standing gets the arrowhead."

Pip looked unsure for a second, "Oh, my. Well, I suppose if I must..."

Cartman smirked, "Okay, ready? I'll go first."

Cartman stepped back and gave Pip a hard kick square where the sun doesn't shine. Pip's face turned completely blue and he fell to the ground, coughing. The boys laughed.

Once Pip recovered, he was able to speak, "Well, I guess you win."

"Oh, I don't care, you can have the stupid arrowhead." Cartman rolled his eyes and threw away, "I don't want it."

My sister, Sam, looked at me, "If I ever become the typical British wimp, put me out of my misery."

I shook my head and glared at the digging fat boy, "Not before I get that butthole."

Cartman started singing again,

"_Day is never finished,_

_Massa got me working..._"

Then he noticed something, "Oh, look I found another one!" He cleaned it off, then sighed, "Aw, this is just a stupid triangle!"

He threw it over his shoulder and it landed in front of Stan, Kyle, Sam and I.

Kyle noticed the object and picked it up, "Whoa, check it out, dude. It's got little drawings on it."

The object Kyle picked up was a large, stone triangle with an ancient carving of two snakes with their tails joining in the center.

"What's is it?" Stan asked.

Kyle shrugged, "I don't know."

"It looks really old." Sammy noticed, then turned to me, "Ellie, what do you think?"

I walked over and looked at the triangle. It gave out a yellow glow as soon as I touched it. My vision clouded and I started seeing images flash before my eyes.

A woman with a large nose.

A giant robot monster.

A giant moth.

An elven boy in black clothing.

A large red demon.

Chaos and destruction.

Bloodshed and evil.

I quickly let go of the triangle and placed my hand over my throbbing head.

"Whoa!" Stan gasped.

Kyle smiled, "That was cool!"

Sammy put her hand over my shoulder, "You okay, sis?"

I nodded, "Y-Yeah. I think so."

Cartman noticed what has happened and cried, "Hey, give me that back!"

Kyle shook his head, "You threw it away, Cartman! It's mine now!"

"We'll Ro-sham-bo for it." Cartman offered.

Kyle shook his head again, "No way, fatty! It's mine!"

This time Cartman had enough and called, "Anthropologist!"

The Anthropologist came and asked, "How's it going, boys?"

"My sister and I are girls, sir." Sam interjected.

"Oh, sorry." He apologized.

"Happens all the time." I waved my hand.

"I found a magic triangle and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!" Cartman told the Anthropologist.

"You threw it away, fatso!" Kyle argued.

"Let me see that." The Anthropologist asked.

Kyle gave him the triangle, the Anthropologist looked the triangle looked it over.

"Why, this is Anazasi writing!" He gasped, "My God, this must must be thousands of years old!"

I raised an eyebrow at the triangle. Anazasi? Aren't they the Native Americans that covered Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado?

They were also involved with ancient dark magic. Transforming their warriors into monsters of mass destruction. They disappeared without a trace a long time ago.

"Come on! Let me kick you in the nuts for it!" Cartman told Kyle.

Kyle took the triangle and made his way to the bus. Stan, Kenny, Sam and I followed. Cartman chased after us, offering ways to get the triangle back.

* * *

**_*The Next Day, At Ellie and Sam's House...*_**

Sammy, Mother and I were sitting around the dinner table, eating lunch of cheese toasties. I was struggling to eat. Every time I blink, or close my eyes, I still see those images.

"So, how was the field trip?" Mother asked.

"It was fun." Sam answered, "Until Cartman had to ruin it."

"Really? How so?" Mother asked.

"Cartman found an Anazasi triangle in the dig yesterday, but he didn't want it." I explained, "Kyle picked it up and it turned out the relic is magic. So Cartman wants it back."

This piqued Mother's interest, "Really? What did it look like?"

"A yellow stone triangle with carvings of snakes." Sam answered casually.

By that moment, Mother froze and dropped her glass of apple juice. It made a small mess on the carpet floor.

"Mum, is something wrong?" I asked.

"Di-Did one of you happen to have touched the triangle?" She asked.

Sam answered instead, "Yeah. Ellie did. That's how we found out the triangle was magic. Ellie touched it and it glowed."

"I... I think you two should go outside and play." Mother told us, her voice shaking, "I need to make a call."

With that, Mother took our plates and walked into the kitchen. Sam and I looked at each other and took Mother's advise to go outside.

Nearby the bus stop, the boys were building a snowman.

"I have a button we can use for his nose!" Stan spoke up, holding a black button in his hand.

"(Yeah, and I got this nice marble sack to go with this carrot stick, see?)" Kenny added, as he lifted a bag of marbles and a carrot stick.

"What would you use a marble sack for?" Kyle asked, confused.

"Kenny!" Sam scolded, as we arrived

"Hey Sam." Kyle greeted with a wave.

"(Hey, Ellie.)" Kenny waved at me.

"Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it." Cartman told Kenny.

"I didn't steal anything." Kyle shouted.

Cartman looked at Stan, "Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him."

"Good!" Kyle shouted.

"Are those two still fighting about that triangle?" Sam asked Kenny.

Kenny nodded, "(Yeah. Cartman's as stubborn as an ass.)"

Just then, there was the sound of a helicopter approaching us. The boys and Sam looked around in surprise.

"What's that noise?" Cartman asked.

"It sounds like a helicopter." I spoke up.

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a very large, pink helicopter drops down from the sky.

"Whoa!" Stan gasped.

Cartman screamed and covered his butt, "ALIENS!"

The helicopter landed on the road. The door opened into a small ramp of stairs and a woman stepped out. She had wavy, light brunette hair, light skin. She wore a black tank top and a pair of blue jeans. Her most distinctive feature was her... Large... Nose...

I quickly put my hood over my head and hid behind Sam, "It's her..."

"Who is the boy I saw on the News report tonight?" The woman asked.

Kenny, Stan and Cartman pointed to Kyle

The woman turned to Kyle and waved, "Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?"

Kyle shook his head, "No."

The woman's eyes widen in shock.

Sam looked at me, "Ellie, you seem to know things. Who is this lady."

I hid deeper and squeaked, "Barbara Streisand..."

"Barbara who?" Sam repeated.

"(She said Barbara Streisand.)" Kenny spoke up.

"Barbara Streisand? The singer?" Sam tilted her head. I nodded.

Ms. Streisand lightly smiled, "That's right, little girl. I'm Barbara Streisand."

Stan tilted his head, "So."

"So?!" Ms. Streisand exclaimed, then composed herself, "So... I'm a very famous and very important individual."

"Like John Elway important?" Stan asked.

Ms. Streisand tilted her head, "WHAT?!"

"Do you know John Elway?" Stan asked simply.

Ms. Streisand shook her head, "No!"

Stan was confused, "Oh, so you're really famous and important, but you don't know John Elway."

Ms. Streisand looked angry for a second. But she took a breath and walked toward Kyle, "Look, little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here." She leveled herself to his, "You know what I'm talking about?"

Kyle raised a brow, "Yeah..."

Cartman shook his head and interjected, "No, I found it, he stole it!"

"YOU THREW IT AWAY, CARTMAN!" Kyle argued.

"I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief." Cartman told Ms. Streisand.

Ms. Streisand ignored him and resumed asking Kyle, "Little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?"

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

Ms. Streisand smiled, "Okay, now this is very important... Where is the Triangle of Zinthar now?"

Kyle tilted his head, "Triangle of Zinthar?"

"Why do you want to know, lady?" Stan asked in suspicion.

Ms. Streisand turned to Stan and shouted, "I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, YOU PISSANT LITTLE HICK!"

Stan stepped back into Cartman, "Whoa, dude!"

Ms. Streisand picked Kyle up by the collar of his jacket and shouted angrily, "WHERE IS THE TRIANGLE, DAMMIT?"

Just then, Officer Barbrady arrived to the scene, "What seems to be the problem-o, here?"

Ms. Streisand let go of Kyle, stood up and fixed her hair, "Problem-o? There's no problem-o, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these... Charming little boys."

"Ellie and I are girls." Sam corrected.

Cartman shook his head, "Nu-uh! She was being a total bitch!"

Ms. Streisand looked like she was gonna lose her temper, but kept her composure.

Officer Barbrady looked the Boys, Sam and I, "Boys shouldn't you be in school?"

"Girls! Ellie and I are girls!" Sam shouted.

"It's Saturday." Stan pointed out.

Officer Barbrady glared at us and shouted, "NO EXCUSES! MOVE ALONG, YA LITTLE TROUBLE MAKERS!"

The Boys, Sam and I all look at each other in uncertainty, and walk away from the scene.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning...*_**

The Boys, Sam and I were waiting at the Bus stop waiting for the bus to come.

"Man, the bus sure is late." Stan spoke up.

I nodded, "Yeah. Later than usual. Wonder what's wrong."

Cartman rubbed his chin in thought, "Hmmm, I wonder what I should do with _my_ triangle, now that it is _my_ triangle..."

Kyle glared at the large third grader, "Dammit, Cartman! I gave it to you so you would SHUT UP!"

Just then, a nice, tan Honda Accord four door pulled up in front of us, and a strange looking person gets out. I quietly hid behind Kenny. I knew it was actually Barbara Streisand wearing fake glasses and a mustache.

She greeted us in a horribly disguised voice, "Oh, hello there little boys. How are you today?"

"Fine." Stan answered.

Ms. Streisand gently smiled, "That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones. And I am a very friendly, nice person."

The Boys and Sam didn't respond. I stayed close to Kenny.

"I hear that one of you found my triangle." Ms. Streisand continued.

Kyle raised a brow, "_Your_ triangle?"

Ms. Streisand nodded, "Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my Kidney Dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it, because without it, I was sure to die within hours."

Cartman shook his head with a glare, "Oh no, you don't! Finders keepers!"

"But I'll die!" Ms. Streisand pointed out.

Cartman thought for a second, "Well I guess we'll have to Ro-sham-bo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can."

"I want to give you a _big_ cash reward for finding it." Ms. Streisand offered, "It's worth a lot of money to me."

Cartman's eyes widened, "It is?!"

Stan smiled, "Hey, no wonder that Barbara Streisand lady wanted it!"

Ms. Streisand's eyes widen for a second, then she composed herself with a fake laugh, "Oh, ha, ha... Who is that?"

"Oh, just this really, really old lady who wishes she was still only forty-five." Kyle answered innocently.

The Boys and Sam laughed. Ms. Streisand started to look angry.

Stan nodded in agreement, "Yeah! And you should have seen her nose, it was big enough to land Stealth Bombers on!"

The Boys and Sam continued to laugh harder. Ms. Streisand started to shake in fury.

Cartman laughed, "Yeah, and talk about a bitch! I haven't seen-"

"ENOUGH!" Ms. Streisand screamed loudly, causing the Boys, Sam and I all to reel back. Ms. Streisand recomposed herself and laughed, "Uh, ha-ha..." Then she offered, "Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you - I mean - Give you money for the triangle."

My eyes widen. Did she just say 'kill'?

Cartman smiled, "Sweet! I'm gonna be rich!" Then he looked at Kyle, "Bet you wish you wouldn't have given me back that triangle NOW, huh, Kyle! DUMBASS!"

Cartman followed Ms. Streisand to her car. The other Boys and Sam shrugged and followed as well.

Kyle spoke up, "Wait, isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?"

Cartman shook his head, "No, not when money is involved, stupid!"

I grabbed my sister's hand, "Sam, wait. Something is very wrong about this. I fear something bad will happen."

Sam shrugged, "Come on, Ellie. Nothing has happened yet." She took hold of my hand, "Come on. We're gonna be heroes after this." Then she called, "I call shotgun!"

With that, Sam, the Boys and I entered the car and Ms. Streisand drove us off.

* * *

**_*Later, in Barbara Streisand's Mountain Condo...*_**

"Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I WILL BE THE BIGGEST, MOST FAMOUS PERSON EVER!" Ms. Streisand laughed evilly, as she revealed her disguise and chained the Boys, Sam and I to a wall. Cartman was in the middle, tied up in a torture device.

"Let me go!" Cartman cried, "Seriously!"

Stan nodded in agreement, "Yeah! Let us go!"

I glanced at Sam, "I told you something was wrong. Sometimes you _have_ to listen to me!"

"You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with!" Ms. Streisand reached for a lever beside her, "I'll teach you to meddle with MY TRIANGLE!"

She pulled the lever and the torture device started pulling, stretching Cartman beyond his limits.

Cartman screamed in pain, "IT'S NOT MY TRIANGLE! IT'S KYLE'S!"

Kyle glared at the large boy, "HEY! DON'T TRY TO PASS IT BACK ON ME, FAT ASS!"

"SCREW YOU, HIPPIE!" Cartman screamed, as the device continued to stretch him.

"WHERE IS THE TRIANGLE OF ZINTHAR?!" Ms. Streisand asked in impatience.

"I don't remember!" Cartman answered as he struggled not to scream in pain.

"Goddammit, tell her!" Kyle shouted, "I wanna go home!"

Ms. Streisand smiled a Cheshire grin, "Well... Maybe _this_ will help jar your memory-"

Cartman shook his head, "No! Don't!"

Ms. Streisand started singing one of her songs. Cartman screamed, as the rest of us tried to wiggle ourselves free from the chains. Not much luck.

Ms. Streisand stopped singing and glared at Cartman, "_Now _do you remember?!"

We all gasped to catch our breath. Listening to Ms. Streisand sing was like enduring nails on a chalkboard.

"Damn your black heart, Barbara Streisand!" Cartman breathed behind seethed teeth.

"I don't know how much more I can take, dude." Stan told Kyle between breaths.

Ms. Streisand glared at us, "Alright, you asked for it!"

She started singing again. The Boys, Sam and I screamed in pain, "NOOOOOOO!"

Ms. Streisand continued to sing, until Cartman gave up, "OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE TRIANGLE IS!"

Ms. Streisand stopped singing and smiled.

"IT'S INSIDE MY SHOE!" Cartman told her.

Ms. Streisand's butler dashed over and ripped off Cartman's right shoe. As soon as he did, there was a foul smell in the air.

Kyle shook his head, "Oh, for Christ's sake Cartman! When's the last time you changed your socks?!"

Cartman glared at him, "And I suppose _your_ socks smell like the botanical gardens!"

"As a matter of fact, they do." Sam answered.

The butler handed the triangle over to Ms. Streisand. She held it up and looked at it with awe, "Finally, the triangle is mine!"

She stormed over to a large glass case and hit a button on top, "After centuries of waiting, I finally have the triangle of Zinthar!"

Ms. Streisand reached into the case and grabbed blue rimmed triangle with similar markings, "NOW THE DIAMOND OF PANTHEOS IS COMPLETE!"

"Ms. Streisand, don't!" I shouted, "If you join those two triangles together, destruction will follow you in your wake."

She smiled darkly, "Oh, I know, little girl."

Ms. Streisand slipped the smaller blue triangle into the other triangle. Immediately, the pair locked together and began to spin, they levitated off the ground in between us and Ms. Streisand.

Ms. Streisand smiled and chanted in Japaneses, "**すごい！ この ひ わ あたらしい はじまる だ！ いま から あたし の なまえ わ**..."

Lasers began shooting from the levitating diamond. Nearly hitting us and attacking the walls.

Stan gasped, "Whoa, dude!"

A laser hit Ms. Streisand square in the chest. Instantly, she started to grow and change. Her face grew outward, her tailbone start to grow and lengthen. She continued to grow until she burst out of the roof of the condo. She was now an 800-foot tall robot monster, "MECHA-BARBARA STREISAND DA!"

Mecha-Streisand let out a tremendous roar and walked into the mountains, off towards South Park leaving the Boys, Sam and I chained up in the roofless condo.

"Dude, this is pretty fucked up, right here." Stan spoke up, as everything quieted down.

After a few minutes of waiting, Chef and the all famous Leonard Maltin arrived into the condo.

"CHILDREN!" Chef gasped as he saw us.

"CHEF!" Sam, the Boys and I cried in relief, as we saw them.

Mr. Matlin looked at the broken glass case and gasped, "Oh, no!" He turned to us, "She has joined the two triangles?"

Cartman nodded with a glare, "YEAH! SHE STOLE MY TRIANGLE!"

"Shut the fuck up, Cartman! We have worse things happening right now!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

"Get us down from here!" Stan cried.

Chef ran up to Stan and tried to break him free, but the locks and chains were stronger than they looked, "I can't break these locks!"

"Stand back, Chef!" Mr. Maltin told Chef.

Chef took a step back and braced himself. Mr. Maltin took a martial arts stance.

Then, in a Japanese accent, he called, "MARUTIN RAY!"

Suddenly, red laser rays fired out of Mr. Maltin's eyes, struck the chains and freed Sam, the Boys and I from the chains.

Kyle smiled, "Whoa! That was cool!"

I bowed in gratitude, "Thank you, Mr. Maltin."

"I've got to go after Mecha-Streisand!" Mr. Maltin informed, then told Chef, "Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number."

Stan smiled in excitement, "Robert Smith?! Sweet!"

Chef brought the phone to his ear and spoke, "Uh, yes, is this Robert Smith of the Cure?" A second and he replied, "This may sound kind of strange, but Leonard Maltin asked me to call you." Followed by a surprised look.

* * *

**_*Later, in South Park...*_**

Chef, the Boys, Sam and I returned to South Park, just in time to see Mecha-Streisand and Ultra-Maltin fighting. Everything in the town was burning and crashing to the ground.

Chef looked up and cried, "Look out, children!"

Mecha-Streisand's huge foot was about to crash on top of Kenny, until a familiar woman dashed by and pushed Kenny out of the way. The foot stepped on top of her, followed with a car. Sam and I stared in shock and disbelief as we know who the woman was.

"No! No, Mum!" Sam cried with tears falling down her cheeks.

I just stood there unresponsive, as people run past us, screaming. A flaming storefront then began to crash down, Kenny and Stan grabbed mine and Sam's hands and we jumped out of the way, just in time.

Mecha-Streisand hit Ultra-Maltin and his huge body fell to the ground, just missing us.

Suddenly, an older African-American man flew down next to Chef, "What's going on, here?!"

Chef looked at the man and gasped, "Sidney Poitier?!"

The man nodded, "That's right, I'm Sidney Poitier."

Chef smiled, "Damn man, it's nice to meet you! _The_ Sidney Poitier in _my_ home town!"

"Barbara Streisand has found the Triangle of Zinthar?" Mr. Poitier asked.

Chef nodded, "Yup. She's made the Diamond of Pantheos, alright."

Mr. Poitier raised his arms into the air and called in a Japanese accent, "KOO RA KOO RA SUKI!"

Mr. Poitier grew and transformed into a Genbu black turtle thing, then flew over to help Mr. Maltin do battle.

Now shit is _really_ going down. The Boys, Chef, Sam and I watched in awe as helicopters, tanks and missiles flew at Mecha-Streisand, as she wrestled and fought with both Ultra Maltin and Mega-Poitier. Mecha-Streisand was the obviously stronger, as she picked up Mega Poitier, spun him over her head and threw him over the mountains.

Ultra-Maltin tried his eye lasers, but Mecha-Streisand just put out her hand, and stops them easily. Then she tilt her head back, and shot bigger lasers out her nose, which struck Mr. Maltin, sending him flying backwards in pain. Mecha-Streisand threw her arms up in victory.

Chef lowered his head solemnly, "It's over... She's too strong for them, Children. We'll have to leave town."

Cartman covered his ears and shouted, "Make it go away! I hate Barbara Streisand! I hate her!"

Tears welled up in Stan's eyes, "My mom always said there are no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef..."

Chef nodded, "We have to say goodbye to South Park..."

Mecha-Streisand continued her havoc on the city. Then, a tall Caucasian man with wild black hair walked up to Chef, the Boys, Sam and I, "Am I too late?"

Chef raised a brow at the man, "Who are you?"

Stan dried his tears and smiled, "Dude! That's Robert Smith of The Cure!"

Cartman smiled, "Sweet!"

Mr. Smith gave Stan a watch, "Here, you boys hold this walkie. You can help me fight her."

"You can try Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin _and_ Sidney Poitier!" Chef told him.

"I have to try." Mr. Smith answered, "I can't let Barbara Streisand do this to the entire world."

Mecha-Streisand turned around to see the thriving metropolis of Denver in the distance. She smiled a big mechanical smile and made her way toward it. But then, behind her, another huge figure appears.

It was Mothora Robert Smith!

Now Ms. Streisand looked really, really scared. Mr. Smith opened his huge mouth and let out one of his high pitched screams. Chef, the Boys, Sam and I covered our ears. Ms. Streisand tried to cover her ears as windows all over the buildings still standing shatter. Mecha-Streisand retaliated with her own high pitched note. Mr. Smith covered his ears and even more windows break.

Mr. Leonard Maltin, back to normal and looking severely beaten, walked up next to us, "We must tell him that her weak point is the nose..."

Stan spoke into the walkie, "Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot punch!"

Mr. Smith looked down at Stan and nodded in understanding. Mecha-Streisand charged toward Mr. Smith! But Mr. Smith hit a switch on his arm which sent the end of his arm flying! It hit Ms. Streisand square in the nose. Ms. Streisand reeled back with a horrific scream. The Diamond of Pantheos flew out of her nose and landed right at Kyle's feet.

Kyle picked up the diamond, "The Diamond of Pantheos! She must be powerless now!"

Stan spoke into the walkie again, "Quickly, Robert Smith, she's powerless!"

Mr. Smith charged up to the dazed Mecha-Streisand and grabbed her by the tail. He spun her round and round and round... Okay... I'm getting dizzy...

Finally, after gaining enough momentum, Mr. Smith let go. Mecha-Streisand soared into the sky, into outer space. The explosion in the sky looks beautiful from South Park. Like a huge firework.

"He did it!" Stan cheered, throwing his arms into the air.

Kyle mirrored Stan and jumped into the air, "No more Barbara Streisand ever!"

"Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!" Stan smiled, as he jumped in the air.

"Our Savior!" Jesus cheered from the crowd.

Robert Smith shrunk back to normal size and returned to his human form.

He walked over to Cartman, who snatched the walkie from Stan, and asked, "Can I have my walkie talkie back now, please?"

Cartman stubbornly shook his head, "No way! You gave it to us! It's _mine_ now!"

Mr. Smith thought for a second, "Alright, I'll Ro-sham-bo you for it."

Cartman still shook his head and put the walkie into his pocket. I sighed and rolled my eyes, the socked Cartman in the face.

Cartman rubbed his nose and stared at me, "Ow! Who taught you to punch?"

Then Chef noticed Mr. Smith walking off into the mountains, "Hey, where is he going?"

The Boys, Sam and I waved goodbye to Robert Smith, "Goodbye, Robert Smith!" "Thank you for your help. Visit us again." "'Disintegration' is the best album ever!"

* * *

**_*Later, in Kyle's House...*_**

"Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?" Stan asked, as Kyle carried the two triangles in the Living Room.

"We've got to get rid of them." Kyle answered, "Nobody should have the kind of power Barbara Streisand wanted." He threw the triangles in the trash.

Stan smiled, "Well, at least I have this sweet walkie talkie Robert Smith gave me."

Cartman shook his head and grabbed Stan's wrist, "No! That's _my _walkie-talkie! He gave it to _me_!

Sam kicked Cartman in the stomach, "Dammit, Cartman don't you ever learn anything?!"

Cartman leaned over, but looked at Stan, "Come on, Stan! it's _mine_! I'll Ro-sham-bo you for it!"

Stan shook his head and made his way outside, "Go to hell, Cartman!"

The Boys, Sam and I followed after Stan outside into the sidewalk.

"Well, that whole experience sure did suck." Kyle spoke up.

Stan nodded, "Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with!"

"But you know, I've learned something today." I spoke up, "I've learned that greed is a terrible vice and can turn people into huge jerks."

Stan, Kyle and Kenny nodded in agreement, "Yeah."

Then Sam realized something, "Hey! Since mine and Ellie's mother is dead, what's gonna happen to us?"

Kyle stepped forward, "I guess you two can stay with us until we figure something out."

I smiled, "Thanks, Kyle. That's sweet of you."

Suddenly, the ground started to shake violently. Sam hugged close to me, while the Boys looked around in panic.

"Oh, no! She's back!" Cartman shouted.

Stan looked at the house and noticed something, "Oh my God! LOOK!"

The tremors grew as a 100 foot tall Ike emerged from behind the house.

"AAAAGGGHHH! MECHA-IKE!"


	12. Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut

Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

Today started as normal, however things started getting strange as soon as Cartman woke up and told Ms. Cartman that he was ill.

Yeah, that's right. Ever since my mother died, Cartman volunteered to be my foster family. Sam decided to stay with Kyle and his family. I guess it could have been worse. I could have stayed with someone worse then Cartman.

I was about to leave my foster home, to meet up with the others, until Ms. Cartman stopped me.

"Ellie, would you be a dear and keep Eric company?" She asked me, "He is not very well and he said he'll feel a bit better if he had his foster sister play with him."

"You're kidding me, right?" I asked. I sighed and nodded, "Okay, Ms. Cartman. I'll keep Eric company."

Ms. Cartman smiled and giggled, "Please, you can call me 'Mom'. We're family now."

With that, I made my way to the backyard, where I smelled tea and cucumber sandwiches in the air. I opened the door to find the most bizarre sight in my life yet.

Cartman was sitting at a small, rectangular table covered with a white tablecloth. Cartman was at the head of the table, serving tea with an adorable little plastic tea set.

Also seated at the table, are five of Cartman's stuffed animals, one in each chair, and each with a little teacup and saucer in front of them. A stuffed female doll. A stuffed frog. A panda and a dragon.

This is... Really... Strange...

Cartman turned and saw me with a small smile, "Ah, Ellie. Glad you can join us." Then he invited, "Come and join us. I saved you a seat."

I sighed and entered the backyard. I walked toward the tea party and took the empty seat next to the frog plush, "How degrading..."

With that, the tea party continued. Cartman offered the teapot to the doll, "Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissypants?"

"Yes, Eric, I would love some tea, thank you." He answered himself in a female, high pitched voice.

Cartman poured some tea into the doll's cup, "You're very welcome, Polly Prissypants." Then he turne to his stuffed frog, "Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?"

"Yes, please." He answered himself in a croaky voice, "Eric, why are you so cool?"

"Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog, I just am." Cartman answered with a smile. He turned to me, "Would you like some tea, Ellie?"

I rolled my eyes and faked a smile, "Why thank you, Eric. I would love some. You're so generous and cool."

Cartman smiled and poured the tea into a plastic cup in front of me. I sniffed the aroma of the tea. It smelled like Cartman was serving... Earl Grey?

"You are so strong and smart, Eric." Cartman made the doll answer with a smile, "Everybody likes you."

Cartman smiled, "Why thank you, Polly Prissypants, how nice of you."

"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here." I heard a familiar voice whisper from a bush close to the fence.

"(I think if we run, try to get Cartman to drop his tea!)" A muffled voice chuckled.

I looked at the source of the voices, but saw nothing. I narrowed my eyes at the bush. I can sense five auras coming from the bush. Five familiar auras.

What are they doing here?

"Ellie, what's wrong?" Cartman asked me, "You seem a little distracted."

I shook my head and returned a smile to Cartman, "It's nothing, Eric. I thought I heard something."

Cartman nodded then served me another cup of tea.

"Come on! Let's go make fun of him!" I heard another familiar voice whisper from the bush.

"No, dude... This looks really serious. I think we better get help." The first voice whispered. A wise move.

"Really?" The last voice asked.

Cartman, as he poured tea for the large, stuffed Panda.

"Wow, Eric, you are the coolest guy in the world." Cartman made the panda smile in a growl-y voice, "This is tremendous tea!"

Cartman smiled, "Why thank you, Peter Panda, It's a distinctive Earl Grey."

I smiled, "I thought it was Earl Grey."

"Eric is the best!" Cartman made the doll cheer, followed by the frog's voice, "Hooray for Eric!" Then the panda's voice, "Eric kicks ass!"

After a while of playing tea party, I have to admit, I'm starting to worry about this side of Cartman. Not because he's showing a sensitive feminine side, but I'm starting to understand where his ego kept building up so much. His dolls keep talking to him like he's the coolest kid in South Park.

Cartman smiled proudly and turned his attention to his doll, "My goodness! That's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissypants."

"Oh, thank you, Eric, you are a perfect gentleman." The doll answered, "And you are smart and cool."

The panda nodded, "Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and cool. Everybody likes you very much."

Cartman smiled, "That's nice, Peter Panda..."

"Dude, this is gonna be the funniest tape ever made!" The first voice from before snickered.

"How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?" The last voice asked.

Mr. Mackey? Is that where you went after 30 minutes of silence?

"I dunno, just keep rolling." The first voice answered.

Cartman turned to the dragon plush, "More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?"

"Yes, please, Eric." Cartman made the dragon answer in a low and growling voice, "You are tough and handsome."

Cartman smiled, "Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin." Then turned to me, "And what do you think about me, Ellie?"

"I think you're a big, fat piece of crap." I answered blatantly.

Cartman though for a minute, then glares at me, "'EY!"

I suppressed a giggle. There's the Cartman I know.

* * *

**_*Later that Night...*_**

Cartman, Ms. Cartman and I were sitting at the dinner table, eating dinner, until Cartman's cat, Mr. Kitty came along and meowed.

"No, Kitty this is my corned beef cabbage." Cartman told the grey cat stubbornly.

Mr. Kitty meowed again.

"No, kitty! That's a BAD KITTY!" Cartman shouted.

Mr. Kitty hissed angrily.

"How is your beefy roast, snookums?" Ms. Cartman asked.

"It's tasty." I answered, "Thank you... Mom."

Cartman lowered his fork and looked at his mother, "Mom... Can I ask you a question?"

Ms. Cartman nodded with a smile, "Sure, hon."

"You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?" Cartman asked.

"Uh-huh." Ms. Cartman nodded.

"And my friend Kyle has a dad... And my friend Kenny has a dad?"

"Yes..."

The two stay quiet for a second, until Ms. Cartman asked, "Well what's your question, hon?"

"GOD DAMMIT! Do I have a dad?!" Cartman shouted in impatient anger.

Clarity hit Ms. Cartman, "Oh..." Then looked away in uncertainty.

"I wanna know where I came from." Cartman included.

"Oh..." Ms. Cartman thought for a moment, "Hmmm..." Then looked at her son, "Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be... Close to each other."

Cartman nodded, "Uh-huh..."

"And, sometimes, the man puts his Hoo-Hoo Dilly in the woman's Cha-Cha." She finished explaining.

Cartman thought for a moment, trying to understand. I close my eyes and shook my head in my hands. That was the lamest way to explain something adult to a 8-year-old kid.

"So, who put his Hoo-Hoo Dilly in your Cha-Cha?" Cartman asked.

Ms. Cartman thought for a second, "Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic... It was a beautiful autumn night, when the aspen trees were turning; At the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance..."

I raised a brow as Ms. Cartman continued, "I was young and naive then... And then I saw him... He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name was Chief Running-Water."

Cartman listened very carefully, as Ms. Cartman frowned, "I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning, I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin."

I raised a brow in suspicion. Cartman is half-Native American? That can't be right. Cartman has no indications of Native American blood in him at all, as far as I can tell.

"So where is Chief Running-Water- I mean, Dad, now?" Cartman asked.

Ms. Cartman waved her hand dismissively, "Oh, I never saw him after that. I wasn't really that interested in him."

"No kidding there. You were drunk." I spoke up.

Cartman took a moment to absorb the information, then frowned, "That isn't a very romantic story, Mom!"

"I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town." Ms. Cartman answered, as she returned to her food.

Cartman couldn't help but smile, "Wow... To think all this time I'm actually a Naive American."

"Native American, Cartman." I corrected instinctively.

Cartman glared at me and punched me in the shoulder, "Shut up, Four-Eyes!"

With that, Cartman, Ms. Cartman and I finished eating dinner and went on about our evening and then bedtime.

The next morning, Cartman made it clear that he wanted to meet Chief Running-Water, or in this case, his father, and get some answers. So, he got dressed into some Native American poncho, headband with feathers, and a bear necklace, and made his way to Stan's house.

Cartman wanted me to join him, in case we were really related. Cartman is convinced that we are... Oh, boy...

We arrived to Stan's house and Cartman rang the doorbell. Stan opened the door and saw Cartman's and my attire, "Cartman? Ellie? What the hell are you two doing dressed up like Indians with a bear necklace?"

Ee-yup. Cartman convinced me to dress like a Native American too. Much to my distaste. Don't get me wrong, I love the Native American culture. I'm just not Native American type.

"Naive American, Stan." Cartman corrected, "And the bear is very important to my people."

Stan tilted his head, "What?"

Kyle, Kenny and Sam came to see and saw us in our Native American attire. Kenny was the first to burst into laughter, followed by Sam and then Kyle.

"'Ey! The white man has mocked my people long enough!" Cartman shouted angrily, "You keep your God damned mouth shut!" He calmed and addressed Stan, "Stan, I need to borrow your bike to ride over to the reservation."

"What are you talking about, Cartman?" Stan asked.

Cartman shook his head, "My name isn't Eric Cartman. It's Eric Running-Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?"

Stan shrugged his shoulders, "Go ahead, dude."

Cartman nodded, took hold of my hand and walked over to Stan's garage, where his bike was.

We both cycled to the Ute Reservation Camp and Cartman told the Natives that he was one of them, due to being Chief Running-Water's son, and that we have come to see him. The first Native turned to get Chief Running Water, be Cartman ended up following him to a circle of Natives.

"Hi, Dad!" Cartman greeted with a smile.

"Who the hell are you?" Chief Running-Water asked in shock.

"I'm your son, Eric." Cartman answered, sitting in the circle, "My mom says you put your Hoo-Hoo Dilly in her Cha-Cha at the Drunken Barn Dance.

Running-Water tilted his head, "Your mother?"

"Liane Cartman, sir." I answered politely.

"Cartman?" Chief Running-Water repeated, then started laughing in relief, "Oh, boy I was worried there for a second." He looked at Cartman, "Look, kids, I'm not your father."

I nodded and explained, "I know you're not. I moved here from England over a few months ago."

"But my mom said you were the guy she was with." Cartman pointed out.

"Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as 'Bear with wide canyon'." Chief Running-Water explained.

Cartman tilted his head in confusion, "What do you mean?"

"She is 'Doe who cannot keep legs together'." Chief Running-Water tried to simplify.

But Cartman still didn't get it, "Huh?"

"Your mother's a slut, Cartman." I told him.

Cartman glared at me, "'EY!"

Chief Running-Water raised his hands in defense, "Don't feel too bad, your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you..."

And so, Running-Water told his side of the story, "We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot. I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things. Until she stopped to see an African American guy and started taking to him. Something about his tongue in her mouth."

Cartman's eyes widen, "His tongue?! Chef?! Chef is my dad?!"

"He's the last person I saw with your mom that night." Chief Running-Water explained.

Cartman smiled, "Oh my God! I'm a black African American!"

I face-palmed and shook my head, "Here we go..."

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, at the Bus Stop...*_**

Just like last night, Cartman and I got dressed and left home to meet up with the others. This time, Cartman and I got dressed up to look like African American gangster members.

Please God, kill me now!

We arrived to the bus stop to find Kenny, Stan, Sam and Kyle trying to rev up a lawn mower engine of a go cart.

"Sup, homies?" Cartman greeted, getting everyone's attention.

"Cartman?" Stan gasped in surprise.

Sam looked at me and gasped, "Ellie? What the hell are you wearing?"

"Just put me out of my misery." I answered in a deadpan tone.

"Ellie and I were just down in the S.P.C kicking it with some G's on the west side." Cartman answered in a fake African American accent.

"You and Ellie live on the east side, Cartman!" Kyle pointed out.

"Dude, I thought you said you were Native American." Stan reminded.

Cartman scoffed and laughed, "Oh, right. Like I'm some hippie Indian! You know what I'm sayin'?" Then he farewelled, "Check you later, I'm gonna go chill with my dad."

With that, Cartman started moon-walking down the street. I sighed, rolled my eyes and followed him. Better to follow him than getting dragged by my backpack.

As Cartman and I were walking to Chef's house, I felt something cold wash over me, like someone splashed me with ice cold water. But I quietly shook it off and resumed following Cartman. We arrived to Chef's house and Cartman ran the doorbell.

Chef answered the door, "Hello?"

"Yo, Pops." Cartman greeted with a wave.

"Hey, Chef." I greeted.

"Boy, what the fudge are you two doing?!" Chef asked us, as he noticed our getup.

"You know, just layin' down some rhymes for my G-folk." Cartman answered with a smile, "You know what I'm saying?"

"Get in here!" Chef told us, his voice raising in volume.

He took hold of Cartman's arm and dragged him into the house.

"West side!" Cartman cheered and I quickly followed behind Chef.

Chef closed the door and took mine and Cartman's wigs from our heads, "Take off those wigs!"

I sighed in relief, "Thank you, Chef. Those things itch."

"Now what's gotten into you two?" Chef asked.

"Nothing's gotten into me." I answered, "But Cartman seems to be the one with the problem."

"You're my dad, Chef!" Cartman explained, "Chief Running-Water said you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance."

"What?" Chef's eyes widen with shock, "No..." Then he searched his memories, "Uh... Did I?"

"He said you kissed her with your tongue." Cartman pointed out.

Chef smiled in relief and started chuckling, "Oh! Oh, that's different! Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children!"

Cartman sulked then for a second, then looked at the African American lunch lady, "So, you're not my dad?"

Chef shook his head, "Of course not." Then he helped Cartman and I to the sofa, "Here, you children sit down and let me explain something to you about where babies come from. Then you'll see why I can't be your dad."

Then Chef broke into song,

_"When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man._

_(Actually, sometimes the man doesn't love the woman, but he acts like he does in order to get some action.)_

_The magic starts to happen and the two take off their clothes - that's right._

_They caress and touch each other until a part of the man grows._

_Oooh, they roll around and now things are really starting to get hot. And the man say, 'I love you' and the woman says, 'Hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom.'_

_So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and. . ._

_You wait and you wait and you wait._

_You wait and you're cooling down and she's still going to the bathroom._

_Finally she comes back and she says, 'Baby I'm getting hot.'_

_And that's when you gotta jump her butt and pump her full of..."_

I quickly waved my hands with wide eyes, "Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa!"

"What?!" Cartman exclaimed, then shouted angrily, "So who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?!"

Chef thought for a second, "Oh, children, that was a long time ago... But I'll tell you what I remember..."

And so he told his side of the story, "Your mother and I were in the quiet area, with the hay, and started kissing, until the Denver Broncos arrived to join the party. Your mother started getting excited, it turned out Mr. Garrison was with us the whole time. I had to get out of there, so I did. And that's who she was with last... Mr. Garrison."

Cartman's eyes widened and his shouted, "No! NOOOO! NO, GOD, NO!"

"Do you know where we can find Mr. Garrison now?" I asked, as Cartman ripped his gangster getup off.

"Well, it's after school hours... So, he might be in the bar." Chef answered.

"Thanks, Chef. I'm sorry to bother you." I thanked, then took Cartman by the hand and left Chef's house.

* * *

**_*Later that night, in the Bar...*_**

Cartman and I traveled to the other side of town and arrived at the bar.

Cartman burst through the double doors and asked Mr. Garrison, who was sitting at the other side of the room, at the bar, "All this time... Why didn't you tell me, father?"

Mr. Garrison turned and saw us, "What the hell are you talking about, Eric?"

"It was you all along!" Cartman pointed at him angrily

Mr. Garrison looked uncertain what to say.

"You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!" Cartman told Mr. Garrison.

"Garrison?!" Mr. Kern shook his head, "That's impossible! He's gay!"

"I am not gay!" Mr. Garrison shouted.

"Then you did sleep with my mom?" Cartman asked.

Mr. Garrison quickly shook his head, "No!" But thought for a moment.

"He's gay!" Mr. Kern repeated.

Garrison thought for a second. He doesn't know what to say. I looked at Mr. Garrison deep into his eyes.

"You're lying, Mr. Garrison." I answered.

Mr. Garrison raised his arms and sighed, "Okay, okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance!"

Cartman's face lit up with a smile. I narrowed my eyes at the teacher.

Then Mr. Garrison asked the bar, "But who here didn't?!" The room fell silent, "Now come on! Honestly, who has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?"

Cartman's smile fell. Everybody looked to one another. Nobody spoke up... Not even Father Maxi or Jesus.

A bushy-haired and bearded man raised his hand, "I haven't!"

"You don't count, halfie! You don't have any legs!" Mr. Garrison pointed out.

"Oh, yeah." The man remembered.

Cartman sulked in disbelief.

"So you see, Eric. Anyone here could be your father." Mr. Garrison told my foster-brother, "I'm afraid you're never going to know..."

Cartman lowers his head. I looked at him with worry.

Mr. Kern walked over to Cartman and patted his head, "Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either..." Then he thought for a second, "I mean, I did know who he was, and, well, we had great times together and huntin' and fishin', but - Well, hell, you know what I mean."

Cartman slowly began to walk out of the bar with a sulk. Everyone looked concerned for him. Heck, so did I. I've never seen Cartman is this emotional state.

Then Dr. Mephesto spoke up, "Wait! Wait! I know a way to find out!"

Cartman stopped at the doorway and looked at the scientist, "How?"

"At my laboratory!" The scientist answered, "We can do DNA genetic testing! I'll take some of your blood, along with the blood of everyone here and we can determine who your father is!"

Cartman regained his smile, "Really? You can?!"

Dr. Mephesto nodded, "Yes! Of course..." Then added, "I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny... but."

"How much?" Cartman asked.

"Three thousand should cover it!" Dr. Mephesto answered casually.

"I don't have three thousand dollars!" Cartman shouted.

"Oh." Mephesto uttered, then looked at me.

I furrowed my brows angrily, "Not in your lifetime!"

"Oh, never mind." He answered.

Then everyone return to their drinks.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, at the Bus Stop...*_**

Cartman and I made our way to the bus stop. Kyle, Stan and Sam were already there, talking amongst themselves, until we arrived. Wait... Where's Kenny?

With his head low, Cartman greeted the others, "Hey guys."

"How's it going, Cartman?" Stan greeted.

Cartman shrugged, "Oh... Fine. How are you guys?"

Sam, Stan and Kyle looked at each other in disbelief and confusion.

"Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" Kyle asked.

Cartman shook his head, "Oh, nothing, it's just-" Then he sulked again, "Nothing..."

"Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?" Sam encouraged with a small smile.

"Well, to start, Cartman has been trying to find out who his father is. But we found out it could be anyone." I explained, "Then Dr. Mephesto said he can do a DNA test, but it costs three thousand dollars, which we can't afford."

Sam thought for a moment, "Uh, yeah we can. Ellie, we have life insurance from Mum's death."

I nodded, "Yeah, but we can't use it until we're old enough to look after ourselves."

"Oh, yeah." Sam remembered.

"Wow..." Stan lowered his head, "We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude!"

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is. I just have to. Maybe I could work at a sweat shop for a while..." Cartman sulked and sighed, "Well, see you guys, Ellie and I are gonna go play in my back yard for a while..."

Stan, Sam and Kyle looked at each other, guilty.

Then Kyle spoke up, "Uh... Cartman, we know how we can get you three thousand dollars."

Cartman started to light up, "You do?"

Stan nodded, "Yeah... We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos... And... And if we win, we'll GIVE you three thousand of our ten thousand dollar prize!"

Cartman regained his smile, "You will?! WOW! You guys are the BEST! THANKS, YOU GUYS!"

Stan looked away, "Uh... Yeah."

"Uh... What was the videotape about, anyway?" I asked.

Sam, Kyle and Stan looked at each other in uncertainty. Stan and Kyle told us to follow them, and Cartman, Sam and I followed them to Cartman's house. Stan switched on the television and changed the channel.

"And now back to America's Stupidest Home Videos!" The tv announcer announced.

"What kind of video did you guys make?" Cartman asked.

"Uh... You'll see." Stan answered.

We all sat on the couch and watched the show.

"Well, it's time to crown the ten thousand dollar winner." The channel host announced, "Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos. First, it's: Dog who puts hat on master's head!"

The audience applaud in unison. Then the screen showed a little dog.

"Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. Oh, oh!" The host mocked in a high-pitched voice. The dog picked up the hat off the ground and put on a bald man's head, "Oh, I've got to put a hat on my master's head, ha, ha!"

Back in the studio, the audience was laughing wildly. One woman in a 3/4 view was laughing so hard, she's crying.

"And now our second finalist... LITTLE BOY HAS A TEA PARTY!" The host announced.

Applause. Cartman and my eyes widen. They submitted that video!?

The video showed of Cartman's tea party with me and his dolls. The audience howled in laughter. I put my hood over my head and sunk into my shoulders in embarrassment. Cartman was lost for words, as his face started to turn red.

"Boy, it looks like THESE kids need some therapy!" The host joked.

Cartman's eyes grew HUGE as his teeth were clenched.

The audience erupted with laughter as Cartman poured tea for his stuffed animals in the video.

"We're sure to win, Cartman!" Stan assured, "Then you get your DNA money!"

Cartman was shaking violently in anger, "I... AM... SO... PISSED... OFF... RIGHT... NAAAAA!"

"Think about your father, Cartman." Sam told him, "Think about your father..."

"They laughed hardest at our video!" Kyle pointed out, "We're gonna win! We're gonna win!"

"And finally, our third contestant, 'Young child gets hit by a train'!" The host announced.

The image came and it revealed that it was Kenny pulling the motor of a makeshift go-cart, trying to get it to start.

"Oh, I'm such a cute little kid." The host mocked in his high-pitched voice again, "Hmmm... I wonder if I can get this go cart started?"

My eyes widen in shock and disbelief, just like the others. Is this how Kenny died?

The go-cart revved and shot down the street, taking Kenny with it. It came to a sudden stop at a large rock and the force threw Kenny into a train track. Kenny checked his head and waved that he was okay, then he got pummeled by the train.

The audience laughed hardily.

"Oh my God! They've videotaped killing Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"YOU BASTARDS!" Kyle shouted.

"Kenny died by getting ran over by a train?!" I exclaimed, "Who videotaped that?!"

The audience was still laughing.

"Now THAT'S what I call a joy ride!" The host joked.

The audience laughed even harder.

"And the winner is, naturally..." The host reached for his ear and called, "'Little boy being hit by a train'!"

There was a loud round of applause.

"Dude! We LOST!" Stan gasped.

"DAMMIT!" Kyle shouted.

Cartman continued to shake in anger, "I... AM... GOING... TO... FUCKING... KILL... YOU GUYS... SERIOUSLY..."

"Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh." The host invited.

Mr. Marsh Sr. stood up from the crowd and waved, "I won! I won!"

Stan's eyes widened in shock, "Grandpa!"

I punched Stan in the face and grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, "HAS YOUR FAMILY NO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD, MARSH?! HUH?!"

Sam put her hand over my shoulder, "Ellie, calm down."

"Our other finalists will have to settle for their three thousand dollar runner up prizes." The host announced, then shrugged, "Well, see you next time!"

Then the show was over and revealed the credits.

Kyle smiled, "Did you hear that, dude?!" He turned to Cartman, "We still get three thousand dollars! That's enough for you to get your DNA tests!"

Cartman was catatonic from the blood rushing to his head, "KILL... YOU GUYS... KILL YOU GUUUYYYYSSSS!"

* * *

**_*Later, The Next Night, At Mephesto's Genetic Ranch...*_**

"Alright, from everyone's accounts, I have narrowed down Eric's possible father to the people in this room..." Mr. Mephesto looked at his list and read, "Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski, Myself, my friend Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos."

Everyone looked worried and held their breath.

"Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but God damn!" Stan gasped, shocked of this information.

"The test results are in this envelope..." Mr. Mephesto held a small envelope, "Shall I open it?"

Mr. Garrison nodded in impatience, "Yes! For God's sake get on with it!"

Mr. Mephesto opened the envelope and read the paper inside. His eyes widen in shock.

"The father of Eric Cartman is INDEED someone in this room!" Mr. Mephesto answered, "The father is..."

A drum roll started. Then an unfamiliar voice spoke around us, "Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it... Chief Running Water?!"

Chief Running-Water looked around nervously.

"Or is it... Chef?!"

Chef held his breath.

"Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around?"

The little monkey boy, Kevin, raised his brow.

"Or is it Mr. Garrison?!"

Mr. Jimbo shook his head, "No, he's gay!"

"You go to hell!" Mr. Garrison shouted, "You go to hell and you die!"

"Is it Jimbo?"

Mr. Jimbo yelled in fear, "Agh!"

"Or is it Officer Barbrady?"

Officer Barbrady looked around in confusion, "Huh, where?"

"Or could it be Ned."

Mr. Ned shrugged his shoulders, "Could be."

"Or Mr. Broflovski?"

"Dad!" Kyle gasped, "How could you?"

"Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?"

"1989!" I corrected.

"THE ANSWER IS COMING ON AN ALL NEW SOUTH PARK IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!"

"What?" Cartman exclaimed angrily, "Son of a bitch!"


	13. Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut

Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

"And now... To continue, the father is indeed someone in this room!" Mr. Mephesto began where we left off.

Let me back up a little. It all started when Cartman and I were having a backyard tea party with Cartman's dolls. Cartman started wondering if he had a father, but was never given a straight answer. We started with Chief Running-Water, then Chef, then Mr. Garrison. But all three of them declined, much to Cartman's disappointment.

Then Mr. Mephesto gave Cartman hope with a DNA test. It cost a lot of money, which Kyle, Stan and Sam won, by posting a video tape of the tea party, much to my embarrassment and Cartman's anger.

Now, we're in Mr. Mephesto's office, waiting for the result of who Cartman's father is.

Cartman wiped his brow and sighed, "Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life!"

"Tell me about it." I answered.

Stan, Kyle and Sam were with us. Along with a fully restored Kenny. Right. That's ten times, now. I need to know what's going on.

Stan noticed Kenny, "Oh." And waved, "Hey, Kenny..." Kenny glanced at Stan and gave a tiny wave.

Mr. Mephesto took out a small card out of an envelope and read it, "Gentlemen, the father is..."

Everyone's eyes grew wide with anticipation. Suddenly the lights went out. Darkness surrounded the room. Sam yelped in startle.

"Hey, what the hell's going on?" Mr. Garrison wondered, looking around.

"It's a power outage!" Mr. Jimbo shouted.

Suddenly, we heard a gunshot. The lights came back on, and everyone looked around.

"Is everybody okay?" Chef asked everyone, "That sounded like a gunshot!"

Everyone checked their bodies, until Officer Barbrady noticed something, "Oh my God! LOOK!"

Everyone turned and saw Mr. Mephesto lying on the floor, bleeding from gunshot wounds.

"(Oh my God! They've killed Mephesto!)" Kenny gasped.

"You bastards!" Kyle shouted.

"Mephesto's been shot!" Mr. Garrison exclaimed.

Everyone rushed over to Mephesto's body.

"Is he dead?!" Chef asked.

"Hey, this window is shot out, too!" Mr. Jimbo noticed, pointing to a window with a bullet hole, "That means the killer was NOT somebody in this room!"

"Then who was it?!" Mr. Garrison wondered.

Suddenly, the unfamiliar voice shouted from around us, "Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-"

"Hey! Wait a minute!" Cartman shouted, cutting the voice off, "I didn't find out who my father was!"

But the voice continued, "Or was it Ms. Broflovski?"

I walked over to the body and leaned my head against his chest. I gasped, "Wait! He's still breathing! He's not dead!"

Chef and a few of the others lift up Mr. Mephesto and lead him toward the door.

Cartman got in Mephesto's face and shouted, "GOD DAMMIT! WHO'S MY FATHER?!"

But Mr. Mephesto just moaned. He was still unconscious.

"We have to get him to the hospital!" Chef told us.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Cartman exclaimed in frustration and disbelief.

"Come on, children!" Chef instructed Sam, the boys and I.

Sam, the boys and I followed Chef out the door and to his car.

"Oh!" Cartman growled under his breath.

Once inside the car, Chef drove us, with Cartman in the front seat and the rest of us in back, with an unconscious Mephesto in the way back, on the way to the hospital.

"Is he awake yet?" Cartman asked.

I shook my head, "Not yet, Cartman. He's bleeding pretty bad back here."

"Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter Birney memorial towel." Chef told me, as I pressed a paper towel firmly on Mr. Mephesto's gunshot wound.

Kyle tiled his head, "What's a Meredith Baxter Birney Memorial towel?"

"I actually was with Meredith Baxter Birney in this very car, and afterwards, we used that towel to..." Chef began to explain, then recollected himself, "Wait a minute, why am I telling you this?"

Meanwhile, Stan wasn't looking so good. He looked like he was gonna throw up pretty soon.

"Could you pull over so I can get out?" He asked Chef.

"What?" Chef shook his head, "We have to get to the hospital!"

"I have to get out first, I'm not gonna make it." Stan insisted, "I can't stand hospitals!"

Chef shook his head again. "Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off, and then we can get out of there, alright?"

Then it started to snow outside. Kyle noticed, "Man, it's really starting to snow, I hope they don't close the roads."

"They can't!" Cartman shouted, "Mephesto can't die!"

"Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman." Sam told Cartman.

Cartman shook his head, "No way, dude, I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song 'Come Sail Away' by Styx. If I hear the first part I have to finish it."

Everybody looked at each other, confused.

Kyle began to smirk, "Really?"

Cartman nodded, "Yeah. I can't do anything until it's done."

Sam, Stan, Kyle and Kenny looked at me. I nodded, "He's telling the truth, guys. I was singing the song before, when I was in the bath, then I heard Cartman singing along with me. It's like O.C.D."

Kyle smiled, then sang, "_I'm sailingg awayyy..._"

Cartman glared at him, "No! Don't!"

"_Set an open cour-_" I quickly slapped my hand over Kyle's mouth, stopping him from making a big mistake.

I looked at Cartman. He was holding his breath, trying to fight his compulsion. Unfortunately, he took a breath and started singing the song right where I stopped Kyle.

I removed my hand and turned to the boy in the green winter hat, "Way to go, Kyle."

Chef's car sped up the mountain road. A sign sat on the side. It read 'Hell's Pass Hospital. 35 Miles.' I hope we make it. After a few moments of driving, Chef's car pulled up to the front of the hospital building. Snow was falling heavily now.

Chef stepped out of the car, "Come on children, we gotta find a doctor!"

Stan stopped at the door and shook his head, "I can't do it, dude!"

"Come on, Stan." Kyle encouraged, "Hospitals aren't all that bad."

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, stop being a wuss."

* * *

**_*Later that Night, Inside Hell's Pass Hospital...*_**

The boys, Sam, Chef and I enter the hospital to find a doctor and nurse standing over a patient in the E.R.

"Doctor!" Chef called.

"One moment please!" The doctor answered, then called to the nurse, "NURSE! I need twenty of sodium pentothal, STAT!"

The nurse ran over to the surgical tray. She has no arms, however, and picked up the syringe with her teeth.

Kyle noticed and gasped, "Whoa, dude, she doesn't have any arms!"

"We're an equal opportunity employer here, son." The doctor replied.

The nurse spat the syringe into the doctor's hands.

"Doctor, we've got a shot cracker outside!" Chef told the doctor.

"I'll be with you right after I inject this man with a long needle." The doctor answered.

Stan covered his mouth, "Oh man, I'm gonna be sick..."

"There, there, young man." The doctor assured, "Medical science is nothing to be afraid of."

To remove the air from the syringe, the doctor squirted out a long stream of pentothal.

"UGH!" Stan gasped.

The doctor injected the patient.

"Oooh, I think you're hitting the bone!" The nurse noticed.

Stan started to turn blue, "AAGHH!"

The doctor nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside!" Then he noticed, "Oop, he's hemorrhaging!"

A long, thick arc of blood squirt through the air and hit the ground next to Stan. Then, for absolutely no reason, the patient's head fell off and hit the ground.

"Oop! His head fell off!" The doctor casually shrugged.

Stan turned to leave, "I'm gettin' outta here!"

Kyle grabbed Stan by his arm, "Stan!"

The doctor shrugged, "Well, some people just have a weak stomach."

"Ey!" Sam shouted, feeling offended.

* * *

**_*A Little Later...*_**

Chef, the boys, Sam and I stood around a bed, where Mephesto is lying, hooked up to all kinds of machines.

"Well, this is about all I can do for him." The doctor explained.

"Can't you get him to talk?" Cartman asked, "I have to know who my father is!"

The doctor shook his head, "Sorry, son, it might be a while."

Cartman jumped up onto Mr. Mephesto and started slapping the genetic scientist in the face, "WAKE UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"Cartman!" I shouted.

The doctor pulled the large boy away from Mr. Mephesto, "Now, son, that's not gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition."

"I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE!" Cartman shouted, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

Kyle smirked, "Hey, Cartman..."

Cartman turned to him, "What?"

I furrowed my brows, "Kyle Broflovski, don't you dare!"

"_I'mmmmm sailinngg aw-_" I quickly put my hand over his mouth, shutting him up.

Cartman started shaking out of control and held his breath. However, his compulsion got the better of him and Cartman continued singing, "_Way set an open course on the Virgin Sea..._"

"Okay, okay." Stan turned around, "Let's get out of here now."

Sam looked out of the window, "I don't think that's a good idea, Stan..."

The rest of us looked out the window, where the blizzard has intensified. Chef's car was completely buried.

The doctor looked out the window and gasped, "My God, that's a hell of a storm."

Stan lowered his head, "Oh, weak..."

With that, Chef, the boys, Sam and I were sitting in the waiting room, bored, with a plethora of injured people, waiting to get attention.

Stan looked to his left, where a man is holding his stabbed arm with the knife still in it. He grimaced and looked to his right, where a woman is bleeding out her jugular. Stan was starting to turn blue.

"_Sail away with meeee!_" Cartman finished singing. He took a deep breath and sighed, satisfied.

"Ohhh, dude, when can we get out of here?" Stan complained.

Just then, The doctor rushed in and started tending to the next patient.

"Doctor! I can't focus!" The woman with a gash in her jugular exclaimed.

"We're doing the best we can, ma'am." The doctor assured, then explained, "They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now it's just me and Nurse Goodly."

Nurse goodly fumbled around, looking for a stethoscope.

"Wait a second..." Chef realized something, "They've closed the pass?"

The doctor nodded, "Yes. I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked."

The patients looked at the doctor with worry. A hush fell over them.

"Metaphorically speaking, that is." The doctor assured them.

"Someone's up for a big paycheck." I muttered under my breath.

"What about Mephesto?!" Cartman asked, "Are you taking care of him?!"

"He's on full life support and breathing fine." The doctor assured, "He shouldn't need any help... So long as the power doesn't go out."

Suddenly, the power went out. Everyone just stood there in complete darkness. Sam yelped and hugged close to me.

"Whoof, who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?" The doctor joked.

"That not funny." I told the doctor.

Fortunately, the emergency lights were switched on, but are noticeably dimmer. All of the patients were screaming and running around in horror.

"Don't panic, anybody." The nurse assured, "The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running fine."

The doctor popped out from the E.R, "Nurse! I could use some help in here!"

"Coming!" The nurse called.

But as the nurse head toward the doctor, Cartman steps in front of her, "Lady, is Mephesto going to be okay?"

The nurse nodded her head, "Yes... For now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short."

"Nurse, PLEASE!" The doctor called, "I need another pair of HANDS in here!" He realized what he just said, then apologized, "Oh... Sorry."

Doctor turned to Chef, "Please, Mr. Chef, I have over a hundred people to tend to here, and only myself and Nurse Goodly."

"What do you want me to do?" Chef asked.

"Do you know anything about surgery?" Doctor asked.

Chef thought for a moment, "I used to watch Quincy."

Doctor's eyes widened, "WHAT?!" Then he smiled, "Why the hell didn't you say so! Put on some scrubs!"

The he turned to the boys, Sam and I, "Children, I'm making you all honorary doctors! You can help us save these people's lives!"

Stan got a very, very worried look on his face. He quickly shook his head, "No way, dude!"

But, his vote was outnumbered, so the boys, Chef, Sam and I got dressed into some scrubs and joined the doctor in the operating room.

The doctor stood over a patient, who was lying on an operating table, "This man's appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now, with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me."

Chef, the boys, Sam and I held our hands in the air. Stan was absolutely green with nausea.

"Okay." Doctor turned to Nurse Goodly, "Nurse Goodly will take care of anaesthesia." He turned to Chef, "Chef, you'll act as her arms." Then turned to the rest of us, "Children, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?"

Stan shook his head again, "No."

Doctor grabbed a clean scalpel, "Okay, first I'll make an incision on the chest over the heart."

Stan covered his masked mouth, "Oh, boy."

The Doctor cut open a good sized hole. Blood steadily poured out. Stan couldn't take any more. He immediately pulled his mask off and barfed directly into the patient's chest.

"Dude, you barfed into the incision!" Kyle noticed.

Cartman smiled, "Sweet!"

Doctor started jumping in a panic, "Suction!"

Kenny pulled the suction cup over the incision. The suction cup vacuumed over the the blood and gastric juices.

Suddenly, the lights began to dim.

"Hey, who's screwing with the lights?!" Cartman noticed.

The the unfamiliar voice spoke again, "Who IS screwing with the lights? Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?"

"1989!" I shouted.

"That is really starting to piss me off." Cartman growled in frustration.

The Doctor exit the room for a few second, then returned with large blueprints of the hospital. Dim back up lights were flickering.

"I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator!" The Doctor announced, as he rolled out the blueprints, "Apparently they built a large, self-sustaining generator for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital!

"So how do we get to it?" Chef asked.

"We must split up into two teams." The Doctor answered, "Team A and Team B." Everyone gathered around and listened closely, "Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Sam, Kyle, Eric, Ellie, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny."

Kenny's eyes grow wide, then he glared at the Doctor.

The Doctor turned to Kenny, "Now listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be turn on the backup generator. To do this, you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct." He pointed to these various areas on the blueprint, "Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area... HERE. Where there is a television and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct."

Kenny raised a brow in suspicion. I raised a brow as well. Something felt off about this...

"By that time, Team B should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors HERE." The Doctor continued.

Kenny began to shake in panic.

"Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view through THIS window, of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then you can proceed down into the generator and power it on." The Doctor finished explaining, then asked, "Are there any questions?"

Cartman shook his head, "No, that sounds pretty sweet to me."

I raised my hand, "I have a suggestion, more than a question."

"Alright, go ahead." The Doctor told me.

"What if Team B consisted of me and Kenny? It will be a lot easier that way." I suggested.

Kenny glanced at me, and smiled in relief, under his parka.

The Doctor thought for moment, then nodded, "Alright then. I'll allow it." Then he turned to the others, "Right then, let's DO IT! GO TEAM!"

Kenny tilted his head, "(Huh?)"

With that, I took hold of Kenny's hand and we crawled out of a small duct, covered with sewage. The horrible storm blew around him in all directions, Kenny and I could barely see.

The Doctor's voice blasts over Kenny's walkie talkie, "Team B... Come in, Team B."

"(This is Team B.)" Kenny answered.

"Listen, Team B, we've found another path to the generator." The Doctor answered, "There's actually a nice, heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through all that sewage."

Kenny and I looked down at our sewage covered bodies.

"You've got to be kidding me!" I shouted in anger.

"(Are you fuckin' telling me that Ellie and I could've fuckin' gone that way?!)" Kenny shouted in anger.

"Oh... Well forget I said that then." The Doctor shrugged, "Listen, team B, you should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left..."

Kenny sighed and answered, "(Yup! I see it in the drift.)"

Kenny spots the snow covered backup generator.

"Good. Head towards it, Team A out." With that, the walkie talkie went silent.

Kenny and I tread through the deep snow, unaware that a shadow of a velociraptor ran past us with a cry.

My ears picked up the cry and I turned, "Did you hear that?"

Kenny looked at me, "(Hear what?)"

I shook my head, "Never mind. Let's go."

Kenny and I walked through the deep snow. I decided now was a good time to ask.

"Umm... Kenny? I have a question for you." I spoke up.

"(Yeah? What is it, Ellie?)" Kenny asked me.

I thought for a second, "Umm... I happen to notice that you have a habit of dying and seem to come back the next day, like nothing has happened."

Kenny stopped dead in his tracks. "(I have no idea what you're talking about.)" He told me, not looking at me.

"I think you do, Kenny." I explained, "Every time you die, you come back the next day. Like you were reborn. Like a phoenix. No one else seems to remember your death happening, but I do. It's happened ten times now, and I want to know why, what, how, who, when and where."

Kenny turned to me and looked at me dead in the eye. He sighed, "(I don't know, Ellie. It just happens. I can't really explain it, but that it happens.)" He took hold of my hands, "(But I am relieved that someone is able to remember. But I must ask you this...)" He looked at me dead in the eyes, "(Don't tell anyone that you can remember. I don't think they'll understand.)"

I nodded, "I promise, Kenneth McCormick. You have my word."

Kenny nodded in agreement. He kept hold of my hand, as we continued our way to the power generator. Once we arrived, Kenny spoke into his walkie talkie, "(Okay, Ellie and I have reached the generator.)"

"Roger Team B." The Doctor answered, then asked, "Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?"

Kenny nodded, "(Roger.)"

"Good, now is there a wire connecting them?" The Doctor asked.

Kenny looked at the generator and shook his head, "(Negative.)"

"Damn. The wire connecting the nodes is gone. We need to complete the circuit between them or we're screwed." The Doctor cursed under his breath.

"Do you have any wire here?" Kyle asked.

"There's no time. Once these lights flicker out. All the patients on life support are going to die." The Doctor explained.

Kenny looked at his hands, then glanced at me.

"(I'll stick 'em together.)" He answered bravely.

"No, Kenny, you can't." The Doctor protested, "There must be some other way." Then told the others, "He's going to make the connection himself with his hands."

"No, he'll die!" Kyle cried.

"Go Kenny." Cartman cheered.

"Kenny... Nooooooo..." The Doctor cried, until Kenny turned off the walkie talkie.

He walked up to the generator.

"Kenny, wait!" I shouted. Kenny looked at me. I gave him a warm smile, "See you in the morning."

Kenny smiled at me, under his parka, and then connected the lines with his hands. Electricity surged through his body, lighting Kenny up like a Christmas tree. I looked over to the hospital and the lights were bright and working again.

* * *

**Samantha Carter's POV.**

It was sunrise. Chef, The Doctor and I were in Mr. Mephesto's room, waiting for him to wake up.

"Well, we made it." The Doctor smiled in relief, "The power is on, the snow is melting and your friend, Mephesto, is doing fine."

Just then, Mr. Mephesto blinked his eyes open, "Where... Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto." Chef explained, "You were shot. Now we don't know who tried to shoot you, but-"

"Oh, I'm sure it was my brother again." Mr. Mephesto answered, "He tries to shoot me every month."

"Oh." Chef uttered.

The Doctor looked around in confusion, "Where is the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto is awake."

"Stan, Kyle and he went off looking for Kenny and Ellie." I answered casually.

After a few moments, everyone entered the room. Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Ellie, basically Everyone from last night, gathered in Mr. Mephesto's room.

Mr. Mephesto smiled, "I'm glad you all could come... I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is... But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life..."

"JUST TELL US ALREADY!" Cartman shouted in impatience.

Mr. Mephesto waved his hand, "Alright, Alright, Alright. The father of Eric Cartman is..." Then he went off subject, "Say did anybody see that Terrance & Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing ever?"

Cartman pounded his fist in anger, "Goddamnit! Tell me who my father is!"

Everyone looked around nervously.

"Alright, as I said before, the father is somebody in this room... The father is..." Mr. Mephesto paused.

Cartman's eyes grew wide.

"...MRS. CARTMAN!" Mr. Mephesto answered.

Everybody gasped, then looked confused. Wait, wait, wait. Mrs. Cartman is both Cartman's parents? How is that possible?

"What?!" Chef exclaimed.

Mrs. Cartman hung her head and sighed, "Yes... It's true."

Mr. Garrison shook his head, "No, that doesn't make sense."

Mr. Mephesto nodded in agreement, "Yes, it took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite."

"A herma-what?" I asked.

"A hermaphrodite." Ellie answered, "Meaning that Mrs. Cartman is male and female."

Mrs. Cartman nodded, "It's true."

Everybody turned green with nausea. Cartman looked more confused than ever.

"You mean that at the drunken barn dance... When we all got together with her she was a HE?"

Mr. Mephesto shook his head, "No, no, not exactly, but she did have a penis."

Everybody in the room threw up. I covered my mouth in nausea. The only one that wasn't effected was Ellie. I swear that girl has guts of steel.

"The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Ms. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that SHE is his father." Mr. Mephesto explained, "And she got another woman pregnant at the drunken barn dance."

"Oh man, this is fuckin' weak!" Cartman lowered his head.

Stan's eyes widen, "DUDE, you're a big fat ass, AND your mom's a hermaphlight!"

"I'm sorry I never told you, Eric." Mrs. Cartman apologized to her son, "I just thought maybe it would be a little shocking to you."

"Oh wow, gee wiz you think so Ma?!" Cartman asked in a sarcastic tone.

Mr. Mephesto shrugged, "Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing."

Everybody started walking away, dazed. Ellie rubbed her chin in thought. She usually doesn't do that, unless something didn't make sense.

"Something on your mind, Ellie?" I asked.

"It doesn't make sense. Mr. Mephesto and Mrs. Cartman are lying. But why?" She mumbled to herself.

Cartman shook his head, "No No! Wait a minute! If she's my dad, then who's my mom?"

A moment of silence, then the voice from before spoke again, "Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?"

"OH FORGET IT!" Cartman shouted in frustration.


	14. Ike's Wee-Wee

Ike's Wee-Wee

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

"Okay, children, let's take our seats." Mr. Garrison told the class, as the class took their assigned desks and got ready for today's lecture, "This morning we're going to have a special lecture from your school counselor, Mr. Mackey."

The counselor, Mr. Mackey stepped at the front of the class.

"Booooo." Stan muttered under his breath.

Mr. Mackey put his hands on his hips, "Now, now who was that?" The class went silent, "That is not appropriate behavior. M'kay?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?" Stan apologized, mimicking Mr. Mackey's tone.

"Oh, that's okay." Mr. Mackey calmed, "Just don't let it happen again."

"We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?" Kyle replied, mimicking Mr. Mackey as well.

The class laughed and giggled.

"Okay, Okay that's fine." Mr. Mackey answered.

"M'kay?" Cartman asked, mimicking Mr Mackey.

Mr. Mackey nodded, "M'kay." Then began the lecture, "Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they are bad, m'kay?

The class sat in silence and blinked in confusion.

"So, first of all... Smokin's bad... You shouldn't smoke." Mr. Mackey continued, writing on the chalkboard, "And uh, alcohol is bad,you shouldn't drink alcohol. And as for drugs, well, drugs are bad you shouldn't do drugs." He straightened his tie, "M'kay, that about wraps up my introduction, now are there any questions?" Stan raised his hand, "Yes, Stan?"

"Why do dogs have cold noses?" Stan asked, tilting his head.

Mr. Mackey scratched his head, "Uh... I'm not sure."

"Oh." Stan answered.

"Now, uh, let's focus our discussion first on marijuana." Mr. Mackey resumed to the lecture, "Marijuana is bad. And it also has a very distinct smell, m'kay?" He grabbed a small dish with a strange leaf and a small bud in it, "I'm going to pass around just a little tiny bit, and I want you all to take a smell, so you know when someone is smokin' marijuana near you."

Mr. Mackey handed the small tray to Pip. Pip smelled the leaf, grimaced, then passes it on to Terrance. Terrance smelled the leaf and passed it to Wendy. And so on.

"M'kay, Just take a smell, pass it on, and when it gets back up to me, we'll finish talking about it." Mr. Mackey instructed, "In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little... Okay, Uh,alcohol is bad... If you drink alcohol..."

"Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend?" Kyle whispered to Stan.

"Your little brother is having a party?" Stan whispered back, "Why, is it his birthday?"

Kyle shook his head, "No, It's his Bris."

"What the hell is a Bris?" Cartman asked.

Kyle shrugged, "I dunno. But there's gonna be lots of food and a band!"

Cartman smiled, "Oh, kick ass. I wanna have a Bris!"

"...And so that's why alcohol is bad." Mr. Mackey finished, then asked, "Has that marijuana made it back up here yet?" The class was silent, "No?" Then resumed his lecture on drugs, "Okay, let's talk about LSD... Uh children, LSD is bad. It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney..."

"Hey, are we supposed to get your little brother presents for a Bris?" Stan asked Kyle.

Kyle thought for a second, "Uh..." Then shrugged, "I'm not sure."

"Well, dude, you better find out." Stan replied.

Mr. Mackey noticed and turned to Stan and Kyle, "Boys, are you paying attention?"

"Sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?" Stan apologized, mimicking Mr. Mackey again.

Mr. Mackey nodded, "M'kay." Then asked, "Now children, has that marijuana made it around yet?" The class was silent, "Uh, who has the marijuana now?" Again, no answer, "M'kay, whoever has the marijuana just pass it up to the front row."

I shook my head.

Mr. Mackey grimaced, "Uh-oh."

Unfortunately, the news of marijuana went around the school and Principal Victoria had every child in the school searched for the strange leaf and bud. But, no one had possession of it, so school ended early.

The school bus pulled away at the bus stop and Sam, the boys, and I started walking home.

"Man, that sucked getting searched." Stan frowned.

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, my ass is killing me."

"Why did they search US?" Kyle wondered, "That marry-Jew-wanna never even made it to us."

Sam nodded in agreement, "I wonder who took it..."

"Well, I'm glad it never came to us." I spoke up.

"Why?" Stan asked me.

"Just imagine. One whiff from a lightweight and we'll be in trouble." I explained.

"That makes sense." Kyle nodded.

Just then, Chef pulled up in his car, "Hello there, children."

"Hey Chef." The boys, Sam and I greeted with smiles. Chef exit his car.

"How's it going?" Stan asked.

"Bad." Chef frowned.

"Why bad?" Kyle asked.

"Children, I heard about what happened at school today." Chef answered, then asked us, "Now... none of YOU took that nasty marijuana, did you?"

Stan shook his head, "No dude, we never even saw it."

"Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad." Chef told us.

"We know, we know." Stan rolled his eyes, "That's what everybody says."

"Right, but do you know why they're bad?" Chef asked us.

"Because they are an addictive solution to a greater problem causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits." Kyle answered quickly.

"And do you have any idea what that means?" Chef asked.

Kyle shook his head, "No."

Cartman raised his hand, "I know! Drugs are bad. Because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck!"

I shook my head, "No. Drugs are bad, because they get you into trouble, or worse."

"Look, children, this is all I'm going to say about drugs..." Chef told us, "Stay AWAY from 's a time and a place for everything- and it's called college. Do you understand?"

"Sure." Sam, the boys and I answered in unison.

Chef nodded, "Okay."

He was about to re-enter his car, until Kyle spoke up, "Hey, are you gonna come to Ike's Bris this weekend?"

Chef stopped in his tracks and shook his head, "Oh, hell no. I can't bear to see that."

Stan tilted his head, "What do you mean?"

"Don't you kids know what a Bris is?" Chef asked. Silence was his answer. "They're going to circumcise him." He explained.

Sam tilted her head in confusion, "What's that?"

Chef rolled his eyes and sighed, "Oh boy, here we go again..." He turned to us, "Children, uhh..." He thought for a second, then turned to the boys, "What's the one thing that is more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?"

"Uh, bicycles?" Stan guessed.

"His stomach?" I guessed.

"Ham?" Cartman guessed.

"No! Not ham, you fat fuck!" Kyle shouted.

"Screw you!" Cartman shouted back, then turned to Chef, "It's ham, isn't it?"

"Ellie was close with her answer." Chef answered, "I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body."

"Your heart?" Kyle guessed.

"Your eyes?" Sam guessed.

Chef face-palmed with a sigh. Realization hits Kenny, and he answered, "(Ooh, the _penis_!)"

Chef nodded, "That's right."

Cartman glared at Kenny, "Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a 'penis', Kenny! You're supposed to call it a 'fireman'."

Chef tilted his head, "A fireman?"

Cartman nodded, "That's the proper way to say it. Or else you get a spanking."

Chef re-entered his car, "Dammit, children, why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you. Ask your parents for once!"

Then he drove off.

"Hey! Wait!" Kyle shouted after Chef, but he was already gone.

"Dude, something tells me this Bris thing isn't good." Stan spoke up.

With that, the boys, Sam and I made our way home and treated the day like a normal day. After lunch, Sam, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and I were outside building a snow castle. When suddenly, Stan came running up.

"Kyle! You have to stop them!" He shouted to Kyle.

"Stop who?" Kyle asked.

Stan caught his breath, "Dude! I found out what a Bris is!" He exclaimed, "I found out what they're gonna do to Ike!"

"What?" Kyle asked.

"They're gonna chop off his wee-wee!" Stan answered.

The boys gasped in shock and disbelief, when Sam and I looked at each other in confusion.

"Chop off his wee-wee?!" Kyle asked, "Are you sure?!"

Stan nodded, "Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! It's called a circumstition!"

"Dude! That is NOT COOL!" Cartman shouted, "Chopping off wee-wees is NOT COOL!"

Kyle shook his head, "That can't be true! My parents wouldn't DO that! "

"Dude, I asked FIVE DIFFERENT people!" Stan explained, "They said all Jewish boys have circumstitions, and they make it into a party called a Bris!"

"Dude! You... You don't just CHOP off somebody's fireman!" Cartman exclaimed.

Kyle shook his head, "I won't believe it! I won't! I have to ask my mom and dad!"

With that, Kyle ran towards his house. Stan, Sam, Cartman, Kenny and I followed after him. We bolted into the dining room, where Kyle's mother and father were decorating.

"Just a little higher." Mrs. Broflovski told her husband, as he hung up a banner.

"MOM! DAD!" Kyle shouted.

Mrs. Broflovski turned to Kyle and smiled, "Oh hi, _bubele_. I'm glad you're here, you can help us decorate for the party."

"Your mother's made gahekgafuga." Mr. Broflovski added.

"What the hell is gahekgafuga?" Cartman asked.

Kenny, Stan and Kenny turned to Sam. Sam just shrugged her shoulders, "Sounds fake to me."

"Mom, Dad..." Kyle started, "What EXACTLY is this party for?"

Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski look at each other. "To celebrate your little brother's passage into life." Mrs. Broflovski answered, as Ike was clapping his hands with joy.

"Meaning what?" Kyle asked.

"Meaning we're going to circumcise him." Mr. Broflovski answered casually.

Kyle gasped in shock and disbelief.

"They ARE gonna cut off his fireman!" Cartman gasped.

"It's Jewish tradition, boobie." Mrs. Broflovski explained.

"Normally we do it right after the baby is born. But we had to do it later for Ike because he's a-" Mr. Broflovski explained, but Kyle screamed, cutting him off, and fled into his room, leaving the rest of us alone with his parents.

"Oh, now what's gotten into him?" Mr. Broflovski wondered, then turned to Stan, "Stan, will you go talk to him?"

The boys start to shake in fear. Stan, Cartman and Kenny screamed and ran into Kyle's room as well. Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski looked at each other with puzzled faces.

"Oi, What is the matter with them?" Mrs. Broflovski wondered with a shrug.

"Mrs. Broflovski?" Sam called, "This Bris celebration... Will it hurt?"

Mrs. Broflovski shrugged, "I don't know. I never had it done, because I'm a woman." Then added, "And you can call me, Mum, Sammie."

I turned to Mr. Broflovski, "Mr. Broflovski?"

Mr. Broflovski shrugged, "I don't know, 'cause I don't remember that far." He thought for a second, "I don't think so..."

"Could you two be dears and talk to the boys?" Mrs. Broflovski asked us.

I shook my head, "Don't ask me. Everyone in this town thinks I'm insane, because of my insomnia. Sorry, but I'm going home."

* * *

**Samantha Carter's POV.**

With that, Ellie left the house through the front room. I rolled my eyes and sighed, "I guess it's up to me."

I made my way up the stairs, and entered Kyle's room. Once I entered, Kyle was packing his backpack.

"I can't believe my parents are cannibals!" He exclaimed.

"What are you gonna do, dude?" Stan asked.

"I have to save my little brother!" Kyle answered, "I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses!"

I stepped forward, "Hold on, Kyle. Don't you think you're taking this a little too extreme?"

Kyle shook his head, "You heard them yourself, Sam. I'm not trusting them with Ike, until they snap out of it."

He opened his window and climbed outside.

Once outside, Kyle raised his arms, "Come on, Ike!"

Ike jumped out the window and landed in Kyle's arms, "Baba mama simi sma!"

"Cover me for a while, I'll find a place to hide him and come back!" Kyle told Stan, Cartman, Kenny and I.

"No way, dude!" Cartman shook his head, "We're not staying alone in your house with your wee-wee chopping parents!"

"Just give me thirty minutes!" Kyle told us, "Come on, Ike!"

Kyle and Ike ran off into the night. The boys swallowed hard and look scared. I just face-palmed and rolled my eyes. For once, Ellie had the right idea.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning...*_**

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

Sam, the boys and I were hanging around the bus stop, watching Kyle make a doll that looked a little like Ike.

"There, what do you think?" Kyle asked us.

"What the hell is that supposed to be?" Cartman asked.

"I'm making a dummy Ike doll." Kyle answered, "My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner."

Stan shook his head, "Dude, I think your mom's gonna notice that that isn't Ike."

"Not if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away." Kyle pointed out.

"But what about Ike's Bris this weekend?" I wondered.

"By that time Mum and Dad would have come to their senses and I'll bring Ike back." Kyle answered.

I folded my arms and shook my head. Just then, the large dog, Sylvester, came up to the dummy and started sniffing at it.

Kyle moved the doll away, "No! Go away! Bad dog!"

"Dude, what did you make that doll out of?" Stan asked.

"I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop." Kyle answered casually.

"Is that why it stinks so bad?" Cartman asked.

I waved my hand over my nose, "Yeah, it smells like rotten meat."

Just then, Mr Mackey came strolling behind us, "Hi children..."

"Hi, Mr. Mackey." Sam, the boys and I greeted.

"Are you children staying out of trouble?" He asked us.

"Yes." We answered.

Mr. Mackey nodded, "M'kay, I'm just gonna go over here for awhile..."

With that, Mr. Mackey wondered off into the wood behind us.

"Anyways, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone." Kyle told the rest of us.

Sylvester walked toward the doll again and tried to take a bite.

Kyle pushed him down, "Knock it off, asshole!"

"No way!" Cartman protested, "I'm NEVER going back to your parents house!"

"Come on dude, if it were YOUR little brother we'd help you!" Stan pointed out.

With that, Sam, the boys and I made our way down the street, toward Kyle's house. Suddenly, Cartman realized, "Wait a minute! No you wouldn't!"

Kyle was the first to walk in the door with his dummy Ike.

"Boobie, where have you been?!" Mrs. Broflovski asked Kyle and Sam, "Dinner's been ready for five minutes."

"Sorry, Mom, I just had to deal with Ike." Kyle lied through his teeth, "He's being cranky."

Sam glanced at Kyle with uncertainty.

Mrs. Broflovski looked at the doll, "How is my little jelly bean?"

Kyle jiggled the dummy's head and threw his voice in a high pitch, "Baba mimi sama."Then answered in his normal voice, "I'm gonna take him to the bathroom to get washed up."

I heard growling coming from behind me. I looked and saw Sylvester with a hungry look in his eyes. Uh-oh...

"Okay, but first, let Mommy give you a kiss." Mrs. Broflovski offered, fooled by the doll.

The boys look worried. Kyle moved the dummy away from Mrs. Broflovski's reach, "Uh, no Mom, he doesn't want you kissing him."

Mrs. Broflovski reached over. Just then, Sylvester leaped through the door and grabbed the Ike doll with his sharp teeth. Mrs. Broflovski screamed in horror. In a split second, the dog ripped the dummy Ike from Kyle's grasp and started shaking it violently around the room.

"OH MY GOD! MAKE IT STOP!" Mrs. Broflovski cried.

"PUT IT DOWN, YOU STUPID DOG!" Kyle shouted.

But Sylvester wasn't listening and tore the doll to shreds. Then he ran outside with it, and ate the doll in the road.

"MY BABY! OH GOD! THE HORROR!" Mrs. Broflovski cried with tears in her eyes.

"Get out of here, you mutt." Mr. Broflovski shouted, "Let him go."

Suddenly, a large gas truck slammed on its brakes, slammed into Sylvester and the doll, and bursts into flames.

Mrs. Broflovski hid her head in Mr. Broflovksi's chest and cried, "Oh, he's dead! He's dead! My little boobala's dead!"

Mr. Broflovski patted his wife's back, "There, there, Sheila. There's nothing we can do." He too breaks into tears and started crying.

Sam, the boys and I just stand there, looking nervous, uncertain if we should tell them the truth.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, In The Cemetery...*_**

It was a small funeral this morning. A small coffin was lowered into the ground. Everyone in attendance was dressed in black. Kyle, Sam and Stan peered down into the large hole, as the coffin settles on the ground.

"Yea... Usher us unto the Lord sayeth some Jewish guy once." Father Maxi prayed, "Ashes to ashes dust to dust."

He threw some dust into the grave. A bagpipe player started to play '_Hava Nagila_', horribly. Everyone else started walking away.

Then Kyle noticed something, "Hey wait a minute, how come Ike's tombstone has a Canadian flag on it?"

"Well Boobie, there's something you have to know." Mrs. Broflovski answered, "Ike wasn't really your brother. He was adopted."

Kyle's eyes widen in shock, "WHAT?!"

"He was not really a Broflovski." Mr. Broflovski explained, "He was Canadian. But we loved him all the same."

"Oh. That explains a lot." I replied with a small smile of relief.

"You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off and he's not even my real brother?!" Kyle exclaimed, anger building up.

Mrs. Broflovski tilted her head in confusion, "What are you talking about?"

"Mum. Dad. We have a confession to make." Sam started.

Kyle nodded, "Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska."

With that, he stormed off with a pissed off look. The boys, Sam and I followed after him.

"What, what, WHAAAT?!" Mrs. Broflovski shouted in disbelief.

"Dude, you shouldn't have told them that." Stan told Kyle, "Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis."

"FIREMAN!" Cartman corrected.

"Oh, who the hell cares?" Kyle shrugged, "He's not even my responsibility."

I turned to look at Kenny and noticed that he was daydreaming and walking toward an open grave.

"Kenny! Watch out!" I shouted.

Kenny looked at me, then fell into the grave, "(Hey!)" He reached out his hand, "(Hey, you guys! I'm dy-)" The large tombstone collapsed under its weight and fell right on top of Kenny, crushing him to death.

Stan heard the impact and gasped, "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"

"You bastards." Kyle answered flatly.

A crowd people gathered around the open grave, as Father Maxi removed his scarf and prayed, "Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

The bagpipe player played the song once again.

* * *

**_*The Next Day, During Ike's Bris...*_**

It was the weekend, and it was time for Ike's Bris party. However, Kyle was still grounded and was told to stay in his room. Sam, Stan, Kenny, Cartman and I decided to keep Kyle company, so we hung out in his room.

"Well... I guess the chopping is about to commence." Cartman sighed.

Just then, Ike came running in, holding a photo album, "A baba simi mama!"

Sam smiled at the two-year old Canadian boy, "Hey, Ike. What you got there?"

Kyle glared at the little boy, "What do you want?!"

"A baba simi." Ike handed Kyle the photo album, and opened it up to a page with a picture of a younger Kyle, with a younger Ike. Kyle was holding Ike in his arms and smiling.

"Oh no you don't..." Kyle shook his head, "That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!"

"Maybe you're being too hard on him, Kyle." Sam spoke up.

Kyle shook his head again, "No way. There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie."

Ike turned the page and pointed to more pictures. Then Kyle looked up and saw that Ike has put on one of Kyle's hat, "Cookie monter!"

Kyle glared at Ike, "Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!"

Ike sadly bounced away. Kyle looked again at the picture in the photo album, and actually started sad himself.

I sighed and sat next to the boy in the orange jacket, "Look Kyle. Ike may not be related to you by blood, but he's still your family. You two have shared more memories than any blood relative could share. Just because you know he's adopted, doesn't mean Ike is any less your brother."

Kyle looked at me, then looked at the photo album in thought. Just then, Ike came running in, frightened, "Bo ham me!"

Kyle looked at Ike, then at the door...

"Ike? Ike..." A male voice called from the other side of the door.

Ike jumped into Kyle's lap, "Kyle... Protect me!"

Kyle gasped, and looked almost like he wanted to cry. Ike wrapped his little arms around Kyle's neck. Kyle's eyes widen in shock. Her looked at me. I gave him a small smile.

Just then, Kyle's bedroom door opens and a Jewish man walked in, holding a metal tool.

"There you are." The man smiled, "Come on, Ike. It's time."

Kyle stood up, Ike is still holding onto him, "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY LITTLE BROTHER!"

"But son, I just-" The man tried to explain, but Kyle cut him off, "You aren't going to cut off his wee-wee. Not today you sick ass weirdo!"

"Kyle, what are you talking about?" Mrs. Broflovski asked, entering the room.

Kyle pointed at his mother, "AND YOU! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT US MALES ARE DEFINED BY OUR FIREMEN?!"

Cartman nodded in agreement, "Yes, the fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye."

"EEW!" Sam stepped away from the boys.

"Kyle... A circumcision is very common thing for Ike to have." The man explained, "His father had it... His grandfather had it... And...his BROTHER had it."

Kyle's eyes grew wide, "No... No, it isn't true!"

The man shook his head, "We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it, so that it looks bigger."

Cartman and Stan looked at each other.

"Oh... Hey that doesn't sound like a bad idea." Stan smiled.

Cartman nodded with a smile, "Yeah, I wanna get a circumstition too!"

Kyle thought for a moment, then agreed to let Ike have his circumcision done. The boys, the doctor, Mrs. Broflovski, Sam and I walked down the stairs, to the living room and the doctor took Ike and laid him on a table and dressed him with a cloth around his waist.

Everybody gathered around Ike and the doctor in a big circle with wide eyed anticipation.

Kyle took hold of Ike's hand, "It's okay, Ike. I'm here."

"And a one, and a two and a..." The doctor counted, "BRIS!"

Snip! Ike quickly yelped, "OUCH!" But mumbled, "Aba baba!"

Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny all passed out. The small crowd did a cocktail clap and then immediately started dispersing and conversing.

Ike hobbled over to Kyle, "Baba ama mama."

Kyle regained consciousness and sat up to see Ike, "Ike... You're okay."

The other boys regained consciousness and sat up.

"Wow, dude." Stan smiled, "I guess having a Bris isn't all that bad."

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, you know I've learned something today." He smiled, "Family isn't about who's blood you have. It's about who you care about."

Stan nodded in agreement, "Yeah."

"And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends." Kyle looked at me and Sam, "You're my family." Then we started walking toward the kitchen, "Except for Cartman."

Stan and Sam nodded, "Naturally."

"Screw you guys!" Cartman shouted bitterly, "I don't WANT to be in your penis chopping family anyway!"

Sam and I giggled and joined the boys.

* * *

**_*The Next Day, in School...*_**

"And so now, children, your school counselor is back. To tell you FIRST HAND about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol." Mr. Garrison told us, as Mr. Mackey entered to the classroom.

"Okay, kids, you shouldn't do drugs. M'kay?" Mr. Mackey started, "Drugs are bad. You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck."

The kids stared on, wide-eyed.

"Why, I didn't even care about money..."

Garrison shook his head.

"I was wasting my life, hiking in the Himalayas..."

"Hey, you guys want to come to my Bris tomorrow?" Cartman whispered.

"You can't have your Bris tomorrow, Cartman." Stan replied, "That's when I'm having mine."

"No way, I set up mine first, hippie!" Cartman shouted.

"Now boys, you need to listen up. M'kay?" Mr. Mackey told Cartman and Stan, "What I'm talking about might save your life someday? M'kay?"

"Okay, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?" Stan answered, mimicking the school counselor.

"M'kay?"

"M'kay?" Kyle mimicked.

"M'kay?"

"M'kay?" Cartman mimicked.

"M'kay." Mr. Mackey returned to his lecture, "Now as I was saying, Drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. If you do them you're bad. Because drugs are bad, m'kay? It's a bad thing to do drugs. So don't be bad by doing drugs. M'kay? That'd be bad, 'Cause drugs are bad. M'kay?"

I sighed and looked out the window. I'm glad things are back to normal... For now...


	15. The Mexican Staring Frog

The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

It's another school day in South Park. Mr. Garrison walked over to the chalkboard and wrote 'Vietnam' in big letters.

Cartman raised his hand, "Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?"

Mr. Garrison turned to Cartman, "What's Vietnam... A question a child might ask, but not a childish question..."

He chuckled at the joke, but the other classmates looked at each other in confusion.

"Children, for the next few days we'll be learning all about Vietnam." Mr. Garrison told us, "Chances are that somebody in YOUR OWN LIVES was affected by this incredible war."

Mr. Hat nodded, "That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam war was sticky and icky."

Kyle raised his hand, "Mr. Garrison... Were YOU in Vietnam?"

Garrison stared off with a serious look on his face.

The other classmates looked at him, perplexed. Sam looked at me. I shrugged my shoulders and said nothing.

Mr. Garrison started to smile, then snapped out of his trance and answered, "No, I wasn't in Vietnam. But sometimes I like to pretend I was." Then resumed the lesson, "Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper."

The class moaned in disappointment and hung their heads.

"I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam, and interview them about it." Mr. Garrison told us.

Clyde raised his hand, "What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?"

"Then you get an F, fail the third grade, and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit." Mr. Garrison quickly answered, rolling his eyes.

"Oh." Was Clyde's only reply.

Stan turned to Kyle, "Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam!"

Kyle nodded, "Hey, yeah, He and Ned do that stupid TV show."

With the assignment given, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, Sam and I joined Stan in leaving school and meeting his uncle Jimbo and Ned.

"One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some eight millimeter film of what HE claims to be... The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka!" Mr. Jimbo was talking to the cameraman, who was filming the entire segment.

A video still picture of an artists' rendition of the frog appeared in the tv set in between Mr. Jimbo and Mr. Ned.

"Now as you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. If a person even so much as looks into the frogs eyes, they can be paralyzed or even die!" Mr. Jimbo explained.

The boys and Sam looked at me. I shook my head.

Mr. Jimbo gestured to the tv, "And this film proves that the frog may very well exist!"

The film began playing. The camera shook as if poorly hand-held. All we saw was some trees.

"Now watch carefully, you're going to see the Mexican Staring Frog..." Mr. Jimbo started.

After a few more seconds, a very brief, very faint blur flew through the corner of the screen.

"THERE!" Mr. Jimbo exclaimed, "THERE! DID YOU SEE IT?! ROLL THAT BACK AGAIN!

They reversed the film and, again, we see the blur.

"NOW FREEZE IT!" Mr. Jimbo instructed.

The film froze into a bigger blur.

"Well, I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say NOW!" Mr. Jimbo exclaimed, then turned to Mr. Ned, "What do you think Ned?"

Mr. Ned shook in his boots, "I'm scared."

"Well be sure to join us next time, Until then..." Mr. Jimbo started singing,

"_We're so glad you spent your time with us, _

_While we slaughtered our way through nature's guts, _

_Come again and stay a while, we'll kill a lot more living things and make them bleed._"

Mr. Ned waved his arm, "Good night!"

"And we're... CUT!" The Cameraman called, "Great show guys."

Mr. Ned and Mr. Jimbo got up from their chairs and stretched. Then Mr. Jimbo noticed us, "Oh, lookie who's here! My little nephew Stanley!" We walked up to them, "So, you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's big T.V. show, huh?"

Stan shook his head, "No. We have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there."

Mr. Jimbo nodded, "Oh. Yeah, we sure were."

"Was it fun?" Cartman asked.

Kyle glared at the large boy, "Cartman! What kind of stupid ass question is that?! Of course it was fun!"

Mr. Jimbo nodded again, "Well, sure, Vietnam was fun. But not like going to the circus fun. Or fly-fishing in Montana fun." He shook his head, "No, Vietnam was more like shoving shards of broken glass up your ass and then sitting in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun."

Stan's eyes widen, "Whoa."

Mr. Jimbo nodded, "Yepper, that's where me and Ned met..." He looked at the sky in memory, "I remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel..."

Then he started explaining the war, like some sort of fairy tale. Like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I raised a brow in confusion. Last time I asked someone about the war, my grandmother said it was the hardest time of her life. It was unforgiving and unforgettable.

"Soon, it was all on just me and Ned to win the war for America." Mr. Jimbo resumed.

Then he started talking about how the plane crashed and using a sword and a large white stallion. I drowned the rest of the story out, because there was no way in Hell that the Vietnam War was some child's fairy tale story!

"And that's the way it happened, boys." Mr. Jimbo finished.

Stan's eyes grew wide, "Wow!"

Cartman smiled, "Man, Vietnam was sweet!"

Just then a man walked in and announced to Mr. Jimbo and Mr. Ned, "Great news, guys! Your TV show ratings have doubled!"

Mr. Jimbo's eyes grew wide and gasped, "WOW!"

"They've gone from SIX people to TWELVE!" The man told them.

"Holy smokes!" Mr. Jimbo smiled, "We could get an Emmy!"

With our interview done and dusted, it was time to head back home and recollect our notes from Mr. Jimbo and Mr. Ned.

* * *

**_*The Next Morning, In Class...*_**

Stan, Sam, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and I were up in front of the class.

Stan read from note cards, "...And after killing the entire Vietcong army, they returned to base camp. Once there, they rode the Devil's drop roller coaster and ate Cotton Candy. And ultimately, Ned got the purple heart for his courageous defense of the log ride."

Garrison rolled his eyes with a quiet sigh.

"So was the horror of Vietnam." Stan finished, "The end."

"The end." Sam, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and I concluded in unison.

"Are there any questions?" Kyle asked.

Mr. Garrison raised his hand.

Kyle turned to our teacher, "Yes Mr. Garrison?"

Mr. Garrison nodded, "Yes, where in the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?"

"From Vietnam veterans." Stan answered casually.

Mr. Garrison shook his head, "Well boys, its obvious to me that you didn't do your work, and then you stayed up all night making up some ridiculous lie."

Stan shook his head, "No, no we didn't."

"You all receive an F. MINUS." Mr. Garrison told us.

"F minus?" Kyle gasped in shock, "Can he do that?"

"But we're not making it up..." Stan stuttered in shock.

"Stanley, the Vietnam war was a WAR!" Mr. Garrison explained, "There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or log rides."

"How do you know?" Kyle asked, "You weren't even there."

Mr. Garrison glared angrily at us, "Well that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week."

The boys sulked, "AWW!"

And so, after school, the boys, Sam and I walked to the school cafeteria, ready for our first day of detention.

Mr. Mackey sat at the front of the room with a big sign that said 'DETENTION: QUIET!'

The boy, Sam and I sat with our hands crossed and talk in a whisper.

"Welcome to detention, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey began and told us, "Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke. It is important for you to know WHY you are in detention for you to obtain the full benefits from it. You are here because you are inferior, m'kay? You are here because you are awkward, m'kay?..."

Mr. Mackey continues.

Cartman glared at Stan, "Well Stan, thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle that got us all detention for a week."

Kyle nodded, "Yeah dude, your uncle Jimbo sucks ass!"

"Ssshh, m'kay?!" Mr. Mackey shushed us.

"Why would he just invent a story instead of just telling us the truth?" Stan wondered.

Cartman rolled his eyes, "Well, let's see maybe 'cuz he's an old drunk hillbilly dick!"

Mr. Mackey shushed us again.

"We got to get him back dude." Kyle whispered.

Cartman nodded, "Totally."

Stan shrugged, "How?"

I smiled, "An eye for an eye."

Stan looked at me, "What do you mean?"

"The Mexican Staring Frog. We can get back at Mr. Jimbo and Mr. Ned with that."

Cartman smiled, "Hey, that might work."

The boys and I leaned in to discuss the plan. Sam shook her head, "Oh no! I'm not getting involved with this." Then she moved to another table, dragging me with her.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow!" I whispered, as Sam dragged me by my hoodie.

Once detention was over for the day, the boys made their way out in the woods. Kyle was holding a video camera. And Cartman was holding a stick with a string attached to a plastic toy frog. Sam looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Ready you guys?" Stan asked Kyle and Cartman.

"Ready!" Kyle and Cartman nodded.

"Okay?" Stan nodded, "ACTION!"

With that, Cartman hid behind a bush and waved the frog out of the bush. Kyle steadied the video camera at the shot of the frog.

"Rrrrrr. I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka." Cartman growled in a low voice, "I am very scary and dangerous!"

"CUT!" Stan called, then frowned, "Cartman!"

"What?!" Cartman shrugged.

"It's supposed to be a frog!" Stan pointed out.

Cartman nodded, "I know that!"

"Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?" Stan asked.

"It's a Sri Lankan frog!" Cartman answered.

"Der, Cartman!" Kyle cried.

Cartman glared at the Hebrew boy, "Der yourself, hippie!"

"JUST DO IT AGAIN, CARTMAN, AND DON'T MAKE IT TALK!" Kyle shouted.

Stan sighed and recollected himself, "Ok, here we go. Ready?"

Kyle nodded and turned to Cartman, "Are you ready, Cartman?"

Cartman nodded, "I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!" Then returned to hide in the bush.

"Action!" Stan called.

Cartman sloppily bounced his little frog up and down, "Rrrr...Screw you guys..."

* * *

**_*Later in Main Street...*_**

"Why do I have to dress up like the old lady?!" Cartman asked.

Indeed, Cartman was wearing a little gray wig and a dress on.

"Cuz old lady's are fat and you are too!" Kyle answered.

Cartman folded his arms, "Ech, Goddammit!"

"Come on Cartman, the way we're shooting this, nobody will ever know it's you." Stan assured.

"They better not!" Cartman frowned.

"Okay, when I yell action, you start to walk this way, then Kenny's going to pull the plastic frog in front of you and you have to be scared." Stan instructed.

Cartman's eyes widen, "Scared? Of a plastic frog?"

"It's ACTING Cartman." Stan told him, "You have to pretend you're really scared then the Mexican Staring Frog will look you in the eyes, then you fall down like you're dead, okay? Ready?"

Cartman folded his arms, "Man this is stupid."

"Good, and ... ACTION!"

With that, Kenny wiggled the plastic frog in front of Cartman. Cartman yelped like a little girl and collapsed.

Sam folded her arms and shook her head.

* * *

_***Later, At Stark's Pond...***_

The boys, Sam and I gathered in the wood near Stark's Pond. Kyle put the little plastic frog on a large rock in the middle of a clearing.

"Dude, they are gonna look SO stupid!" He chuckled.

Cartman nodded, "Totally!"

Stan smirked, "They deserve it for lying to us dude."

Cartman nodded again, "Revenge is so very, very sweet."

"I dunno, guys. I think you might have taken this joke a bit to far." I frowned.

"If you don't want to take part in this, you can go home and play with your dollies!" Cartman told me.

"Maybe we shall." Sam answered back.

Suddenly, there was a roar of a car engine. Indicating someone was coming.

"They're here!" Stan whispered, "Hurry and hide!"

The boys, Sam and I jumped behind a bush, as Mr. Jimbo, Mr. Ned and the camera crew pulled up.

"Let's hunt!" Jimbo spoke up, as he, Mr. Ned and the camera crew exit the car.

"We'll start with a two- shot of you and Ned getting your equipment together and-" A man, which I guess was the producer, started instructing, until Mr. Ned cut him off, "Jimbo, look."

Mr. Ned pointed to the rock behind them all, where the little plastic frog sat motionless.

Mr. Jimbo gasped and shouted, "HIT THE DECK!"

Everybody jumped to the ground, behind a snow mound.

"What is it?" The producer asked.

"It's him! The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka!" Mr. Jimbo answered, "He's right over there on that rock!"

The producer's eyes widen, "He is?"

The producer peered up over mound to see the plastic frog on the rock. Mr. Jimbo quickly yanked his head back down, "Dumbass! You've GOT to keep your eyes away from him! STAY DOWN!" Then he turned to Mr. Ned, "Ned, you take flank position, I'll try and keep it turned away from you."

Mr. Ned nodded, "Roger that."

The cameraman readied the camera and Mr. Jimbo turned to the camera, "Hello fellow hunters. Have we got a show for you today! The Mexican Staring Frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us."

Mr. Ned ran around and hid behind a tree, making sure the whole time not to look at the little plastic frog.

"We've got to take the frog by surprise." Mr. Jimbo got out a grenade, "I'm going to create a diversion using this incendiary device, while Ned will ambush him from the rear."

Jimbo threw the grenade over his shoulder.

**~BBBOOOOMMM!~**

The grenade blew a huge hole in the ground right next to the little plastic frog.

"NOW NED!" Mr. Jimbo shouted to Mr. Ned, "HE'S NOT LOOKING!" Mr. Ned rushed in with the flamethrower, "QUICK NED! HIT HIM WITH THE SHOTGUN! NOW NED!"

But Mr. Ned froze in place, in front of the plastic frog.

"Ned?!...Ned?" Mr. Jimbo peeks over to the rock and noticed what has happened, "Oh no..."

Mr. Ned stood there and stared at the frog. He dropped his gun.

"Come on, Ned, buddy, snap out of it!" Mr. Jimbo called to his war buddy. But Mr. Ned was catatonic. He couldn't move at all, "Come back to me, buddy!"

"This is not good." I whispered to Sam and the boys. Sam nodded in agreement.

The producer turned to the cameraman, "You getting all this?"

The cameraman nodded with a thumbs up.

Mr. Jimbo turned to the camera, "Hold onto your butts..." He jumped up with his gun and BLASTED the little plastic frog off the rock, "TAKE THAT YOU, DEMON FROG!"

But Mr. Ned was still catatonic. Mr. Jimbo dashed over to Mr. Ned and shook him, "Ned?! Ned?! Can you hear me?!"

But Mr. Ned was non-responsive.

"Quick! Somebody call an ambulance!" Mr. Jimbo shouted, "This man is catatonic!"

"Get the Flight for Life helicopter!" The producer called to the cameraman.

The boys, Sam and I climbed out of the bush.

"Holy crap, dude." Stan gasped.

* * *

**_*Later that Evening, in Hell's Pass Hospital...*_**

The boys, Sam and I entered the hospital room, where Mr. Ned was being taken care of. Mr. Jimbo turned to us, "Oh, Stanley! He's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!" He cried.

"Mr. Jimbo... We have a confession to make." I spoke up, putting my hands behind my back.

"Dude! He's okay! That frog wasn't even real!" Stan explained. He held up the plastic frog, "Look."

Mr. Jimbo glanced at the toy, but quickly covered his eyes, "AGH! What the hell are you doing?! I almost looked right at that!"

"Dude, it's just a plastic frog. It's not real." Stan told him, "Check it out."

Stan handed the frog to Mr. Jimbo. Mr. Jimbo examined it, and tilted his head in confusion, "...What?"

"We shot all those videos and sent them in." Stan explained.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a really really funny joke."

"You sent in those videos?!" Mr. Jimbo exclaimed.

"Yes." Sam answered.

The producer shook his head, "Oh, this is not good."

"My best friend is a vegetable and I'm going to be the laughing stock of South Park!" Mr. Jimbo shouted angrily.

Kyle rolled his eyes, "Aw come on! Ned's faking it! That frog was just a piece of plastic."

Stan nodded and turned to Mr. Ned, "Yeah, come on Ned, quit faking!"

Mr. Ned was non-responsive.

"I don't think he's faking, dude." I spoke up. The boys, Sam and Mr. Jimbo turned to me, "I watched how Mr. Ned reacted to the videos. He was so freaked out by the idea of the Mexican Staring Frog, that Mr. Ned must have sent himself into a deep coma!"

Mr. Jimbo nodded, "That's correct, Nora."

"Ellie." I told him.

Stan and Kyle looked at each other in concern.

"It's a psycho-somatic response." An unfamiliar voice spoke up from behind us.

The boys, Sam and I turned to see a woman at the doorway. She had shaggy light brunette hair, and wore a green business suit.

"I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just now." She walked into the room.

"Who are you?" Sam asked.

"I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals." The woman answered, "You might have heard of it. Your story is AMAZING! Full of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing and bitterness!"

Mr. Jimbo tilted her head, "Uh... thanks?"

Sam looked at me. I shook my head and glared at the woman.

"How would you like to share your remarkable story with us on tomorrow's show?" The woman asked.

I quickly shook my head, "Oh no! No, no, no, no, no! I know where this is going. I'm not getting involved with this production of corruption and lying. As Cartman might say, 'Screw you guys! I'm going home'."

With that, I made my way out of the hospital room, sat in the waiting room.

* * *

**_*Later, In Jesus and Pals...*_**

"We're back with Jimbo and his nephew Stan." Jesus spoke into the microphone, standing in the audience, "These kids can't stop lying, can they?"

I can't believe the boys and Sam talked me into joining them in this argument. I folded my arms, and sighed.

Mr. Jimbo nodded, "That's right Jesus. No respect for their elders. As some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting."

There was a smattering of applause from the audience.

Mr. Jimbo smiled, "Thanks." Then returned to the matter, "We've been hunting the Mexican Staring Frog for a week based on some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that these kids FAKED the footage!"

"Is this true, Stan?" Jesus asked Stan.

Stan shrugged his shoulders, "It was just a joke. We didn't think it would hurt anybody."

Jesus looked at the woman from the hospital, who signals for a commercial.

"We'll find out more about this debauchery when we return!" Jesus concluded.

Music kicked in and the camera BOOMED off of Jesus

"And we're... OUT!" The cameraman told us.

The woman rushed to the stage, "You're corpses up here! We need A LOT more action from everybody!"

"Like what?" Mr. Jimbo asked.

"Like go ahead and tell how your nephew, Stan, takes drugs and worships Satan."

Mr. Jimbo nodded, "Satan. Got it."

Stan waved his hands, "Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan! That's lying!"

"Give you a taste of your own medicine, you little fibber!" Mr. Jimbo scolded.

"And you kids!" The woman turned to the boys, Sam and I, "I didn't bring you on this show to be boring! Somebody get pissed and throw a chair at Ned here."

Cartman raised his hand, "Dibs!"

"Remember, you all start to fight after the chair is thrown." The woman told us, "That's your cue!"

Mr. Jimbo nodded, "Righty."

Music kicked in again. The audience went wild.

"Welcome back to Jesus and Pals!" Jesus welcomed, then turned to Mr. Jimbo, "Jimbo, why do you think little Stanley lies?"

"I'll tell you why..." Mr. Jimbo started, then shouted, "Because he's on drugs and he worships the devil!"

The audience and Jesus GASPED in shock! Stan sat in shock.

"JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!" The audience chanted.

"Wow." Jesus was able to utter from the crowd. Then turned to Stan, "Now Stanley, it sounds like your uncle is really worried about you."

"Well..." Stan thought for a second, "I only did it because he molested me!"

Another gasp from the audience. Jesus' jaw dropped. The two producers high-five behind the camera.

Mr. Jimbo glared at his nephew, "Why you little piece of crap!"

"You big piece of crap!" Stan shot back.

"Ellie, do something." Sam whispered to me.

I shrugged, "Like what? I want no part in this."

"That's it, now I'm all pissed off!" Cartman shouted.

He picked up a chair and winged it at Mr. Ned. The chair hit him on the head, but Mr. Ned didn't move an inch.

"Take that, hippie!" Cartman shouted.

Mr. Jimbo glared at Cartman, "HEY!"

He picked up his chair and threw it at Stan. Stan quickly ducked and the chair hit a lady in the crowd. This chaos caught my attention.

The audience chanted again, "JESUS! JESUS!"

Jesus waved his hands, "Okay, okay. That's enough!"

The woman from the crowd jumped up and attacked Mr. Jimbo, "TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE! What the fuck was that?!"

"Uh, let's watch the language people." Jesus tried to advise calmly.

"BRING IT ON, YOU BITCH!" Jimbo shouted, fighting the woman.

"HEY! GET OFF OF HIM, YOU FUCKIN' NUT SACK!" Cartman shouted. He jumped on top of the woman and Mr. Jimbo.

Some of the members of the audience jump out of their chairs and join the fight. Two men grabbed Kenny by the arms and begin a tug-of-war with him.

"(No, no, no, no- Yikes!)" Kenny cried.

"Let's all make our way back to our seats." Jesus tried to instruct everybody.

"(OW! OW! DUDE, PLEASE STOP! OH, FUCK! YIKES!)" Kenny sobbed.

But, before anyone noticed what they were doing, the two men RIPPED Kenny in half, killing him instantly.

"OH MY GOD!" Stan gasped, "THEY KILLED KENNY!"

"YOU BASTARDS!" Kyle shouted.

"Let's all make our way back to our seats." Jesus tried to calmly tell everyone.

No one payed attention to Jesus. The fight continued. Full-on chaos. Kenny's death and this chaos triggered something in me. My mind started to got blank.

* * *

**Samantha's POV.**

Ellie climbed off her chair and walked to the top of the audience seats. She took a deep breath and shouted at the top of her lungs...

"**SHUT THE FUCK UP!**"

Within one second, the room went dark and cold. Ellie released a powerful wave of black and indigo energy. Everyone stopped fighting and turned to my sister. Including Jesus, who had his mouth gasped and eyes wide open.

"For the sake of sanity, what is wrong with you people!?" She asked, as she calmed down.

Everyone looked at each other and lowered their heads in shame.. Everyone disentangled themselves from their respective piles.

Ellie turned to Stan, "Look around you, Stanley. Look at all the pain and suffering your lie has caused."

"Well we only did it because Jimbo lied to us first." Stan explained, "You remember, Ellie. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school and we interviewed Jimbo about it. He made up all this stuff about Vietnam and he got us in trouble!"

"Hey now, everything that I told you about the war actually happened!" Mr. Jimbo answered.

"Mr. Garrison said there was no way that you could have defeated the entire Viet Cong by yourself." Stan argued.

The audience went silent. Ellie calmed down and rejoined us on the stage.

Jesus tilted his head, "The ENTIRE Vietcong army?"

Jimbo looked around nervously, "I, uh... Well okay, I might have EMBELLISHED the truth a little, but that's different."

"Is it?" Jesus asked.

"Well sure, I mean..." Jimbo lowered his head, "Well no, I guess not."

Jesus turned to Stan, "And as for you Stan, I think you need to kick your drug habit and-"

Stan waved his hands, "Wait a second, I don't take drugs! That was a lie!"

This caught Jesus' attention, "Wait, Jimbo made that up?"

Stan shook his head, "No, your producer did. She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs.

Jesus smile dropped, "What?!"

"During the break. Your producer came over and told Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie!" Stan explained.

Jimbo nodded, "It's true, she did." Then lowered his head, "I'm such a tool."

Jesus tilted his head slightly, "Oh really?" He looked over at the woman, who was trying to hide behind a small plant.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, then she told us to throw a chair at Ned!"

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, I didn't want to do it Jesus! They made me do it!"

Ellie rolled her eyes and sighed, "Yeah, right..."

The audience looked at each other. One-by-one, the audience got up and started to bail.

"Screw this show!" A man mumbled, "I thought this was all real!"

The whole audience waled out the door, right by Jesus.

Jesus reached out to them, "Wait everybody! Come back!"

But it was no uses, everyone in the audience has left. Jesus dropped the microphone.

An African American male placed his hand over Jesus' shoulder, "Don't feel to bad Montel. We all want to touch children sometimes, it's only natural..."

Ellie rolled her eyes and pinched her nose under her glasses. Finally, it was just Jesus, Jimbo, Ned, Ellie, the boys and I standing outside the studio.

"I'm sorry Stan, I was just trying to tell a good story." Jimbo apologized to Stan "I never meant for you boys to get in trouble."

Stan nodded and apologized, "We're sorry too Uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world."

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, and we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable."

Jimbo waved his hand, "Ah, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard-core porn and he'll snap out of it." He smiled to Ned, "Won't you, Ned?"

Jimbo slapped Ned on the back. Ned fell over on his face.

Jesus walked in, "I want to apologize to all of you for what happened in there. In our competition for ratings we all lost sight of why we got into show business in the first place."

Jimbo nodded in agreement, "Yeah, titties and beer."

"Actually I was referring more to the pursuit of truth but..." Jesus waved his hands, "Well anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old show without all the glitz and ratings and producers..."

"Wait a sec. Where IS your producer?" Ellie asked Jesus.

"I sent her away." Jesus answered casually.

"Sent her away where?" Cartman asked.

"Maybe it's best that don't know." I answered.

Ellie and the boys nodded in agreement and we continued our day like normal.


	16. Damien

Damien

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

Another summer morning, another school day. The other children were taking their seats, while Cartman was passing out envelopes to all the kids, "Here you go, Kyle. And here's yours Stan..."

"What is this, Cartman?" Kyle asked, opening the envelope.

"They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend." Cartman answered.

Stan smiled, "Oh, Sweet! Your mom is giving you a big party again this year?"

Cartman nodded, "Thaaaat's right!" Then he started singing, "'_Cause it's my birthday! My Bu-Bu Birthdayyy_!"

Kyle smiled, "Kick ass, dude. Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever!"

Cartman nodded, "That's right!"

Stan nodded in agreement, "Yeah, if MY mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat ass too."

Cartman nodded, "That's ri-" Then he caught himself and glared at Stan, "HEY!"

"Sorry, Cartman. But I have to decline your invitation." I spoke up, "Parties and I do not get along very well."

Cartman looked at me, "Oh, come on, Ellie. Mum will be really upset, if you don't come."

I sighed and rolled my eyes.

Pip raised his hand, "Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation."

Cartman looked at the British boy, "Oh really?" Then thought for a second, "Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation?" Cartman pretended to look around, "Let's see... Pip's invitation... Pip's invitation..." Then realization hit him, "OH, I REMEMBER!

Pip lit up.

"I shoved it up my ass!" Cartman told him.

Pip lowered his head.

Cartman nodded in memory, "Yes that's right, I wrote it out, put it in a envelope, sealed it, and then PLOOP! Shoved it right my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip ol' chap."

I glared at the large boy, as Cartman walked past Pip and handed out more invites, "Here's yours Wendy, and here's yours Clyde..."

Then Mr. Garrison walked to the front of the classroom, "Children, children... Today is a very special day."

Cartman shook his head, returning to his seat, "No, my birthday isn't until Saturday."

Mr. Garrison shook his head, "I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today!"

The class moaned. Sam and I looked at each other in confusion.

"Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town." Mr. Garrison continued, "So I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome."

The new student walked into the classroom and stood next to Mr. Garrison's desk. It was a boy about the same age as the rest of the class. His skin was pale, but not as pale as my skin. His black hair was messy and reached to his shoulders.

He wore a black sweater with a chain necklace with a pendant of an upside-down crucifix. Dark grey pants and black boots.

What surprised me about his appearance was that he had pointed, elven ears.

The boy glared at the class with his piercing crimson red eyes. I've seen those eyes before. Where and who, I can't be sure...

"I want you all to meet our new classmate..." Mr. Garrison started, but was lost, "Uh..." He turned to the boy, "What's your name again?"

"Damien." The boy answered.

My eyes widen in shock. Damien? As in Damien Thorn? The son of Saint Lucifer himself?

"Say hi to Damien!" Mr. Garrison told the class.

The class don't respond. Oh boy...

Mr. Garrison turned to the elven boy, "And where are you from, Damien?"

"The Seventh Layer of Hell." Damien answered.

Mr. Garrison smiled, "Ooh, that's exciting. My mother was from Alabama."

Damien stood up on a chair, "My arrival connotes the end of the beginning the beginning of the end! The new reign of my father!"

Mr. Garrison tilted his head, "Your father?"

"The Prince of Darkness!" Damien answered.

I quietly gasped and my eyes widen again. I was right. The boy was Damien Thorn. The son of Saint Lucifer.

Mr. Garrison smiled, "Wow, we have royalty in our class! Why don't you take your seat, Damien, we're going to finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque Era."

Damien got down from the chair and took an empty desk next to Cartman. Cartman glared at him.

Mr. Garrison began our lesson, "Now children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass..."

As Mr. Garrison continued, Cartman leaned over to Damien, "Hey new kid, do you want an invitation to my birthday party?"

Damien raised his hands into the air, "Here begins the rule of pain. The new domination of-"

But Cartman cut him off, "PSYCHE! I wasn't gonna GIVE you an invitation! HA, HA!"

Damien looked at Cartman shocked.

"Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?" Cartman asked, then resumed laughing.

Damien stared at Cartman. Cartman's desk went flying up into the air, flipping Cartman into the ground, and out the window.

"Whoa, dude!" Stan gasped.

"Damn! What a FREAK!" Kyle gasped.

Cartman glared at Damien, "HEY! I had a poofie pie in that desk!"

"NOW FEEL THE WRATH OF THE FALLEN ANGEL!" Damien shouted, standing on his desk, "THE PLAGUE OF NIGHT IS UPON THEE!"

"Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?" Mr. Garrison scolded him.

Damien looked around, confused. Then he stepped down from his desk and sat calmly.

Cartman smiled and sang teasing, "_You got in trou-ble_! _You got in trou-ble_!"

_*Later, In The Cafeteria...*_

It was lunch time and everyone was enjoying their meal. Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were talking amongst each other. Until Damien sat with them. The boys shooed him away and resumed talking.

"Hey, Damien." I called to the boy in black, "Why don't come sit with us?"

Sam glared at me, "What? Are you crazy? Damien's a freak. He can't sit with us."

I glared back at my sister, "Is being able to bend the elements to your will automatically make YOU a freak, Sam?" Sam looked away and shut up, "That's what I thought."

Damien hesitated, but took a seat next to me.

"Oh, good day, Damien!" Pip greeted, who was sitting next to Sam, "My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me 'Pip'... Because they hate me."

"Then I will call you PIP." Damien answered.

Pip nodded, "Right-o."

"My name is Eleanor, but everyone calls me Ellie." I introduced myself.

Damien looked at me, "Eleanor... That's Greek for 'Shining Light', is it not?"

"I think so." I answered.

"Very unusual name for a Neyaphem." Damien told me.

I looked away in uncertainty. Aren't Neyaphems a group of beings that live in the Brimstone Dimension in the Marvel Comics? How can I be a Neyaphem? I have no special powers.

"Nice to meet you, Damien. My name is Samantha, but my friends call me Sam." Sam introduced herself to Damien.

"Then I shall call you Sam, Child of Gaia." Damien answered.

Sam tilted her head in confusion, then Stan called over from his table, "Hey, New Kid!"

Damien turned to the boys.

"Kenny says he saw your mom drop you off this morning, and she's a REAL DOG!" Stan told Damien, then the boys started laughing.

Damien grit his teeth in anger.

Kenny nodded, "(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)"

I glared at Kenny, "Kenny! That's not very nice!"

But the boys ignored me and laughed even harder. Damien was pissed. He cringed his brow, "THAT DOES IT!" Then he chanted, "OOF-FAAA!"

Kenny shivered and shook and then suddenly - POOF! Kenny is turned into an anthropomorphic duck billed platypus, still wearing his parka.

Stan stepped back, "What the-?"

"Dude!" Kyle gasped, "He turned Kenny into a duck billed platypus!"

Stan turned to Kyle, "A what?"

Kenny quacked in response.

I folded my arms, "Well, that serves you right."

"HEY! Turn him back ,you butthole!" Cartman shouted at Damien, "He has to buy me the yellow Mega-Man!"

Then Chef came along and greeted, "Hello there, children!"

"Hey, Chef." The boys greeted.

"How's it going?" Chef asked.

"Bad." Kyle and Stan answered.

Chef tilted his head, "Why bad?"

"Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weird-o freak." Kyle explained.

Chef waved his hands, "Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song..."

Chef was about to sing, but I quickly leaped off the table and covered Chef's mouth, "Now is not a good time for a song, Chef."

Chef looked at me, then looked at the boys. I removed my hand and Chef tilted his head, "What were we talking about again?"

Kyle pointed to Damien, "The new kid."

Damien was now standing on the lunch table with his arms raised, "Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angel now makes for you all!"

Damien threw his hands in the air and tables went flying everywhere. The room went dark and cold. Blood starts dripping from the ceiling.

Stan gasped and stepped back, "WHOA!"

"Cool!" I smiled, but Sam nudged me in the arm.

The cafeteria was like the eye of a hurricane.

"Ooh, that is one fudged-up little cracker!" Chef gasped.

"We told you, dude!" Kyle replied.

Damien continued to throw his hands up in the air. A whole bunch of stuff continued to fly everywhere.

"We've got to do something, children!" Chef shouted, "He's tearing my cafeteria apart!"

"BRING ME JESUS!" Damien demanded, "MY WRATH SHALL CONTINUE UNTIL I SPEAK WITH JESUS!"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other, "Jesus?"

Sam grabbed my hand, "You heard the devil child. Let's go get Jesus."

I pulled my hand away from Sam's grip, "Hey! The boys started this. They sort this out."

With lunch over, it was time for recess. Cartman was at the swing-set, talking about his presents for his birthday party. Damien, however, was setting things on fire with his hands.

Damien turned around and burned down the slide. Several children looked sad.

"Our slide!" Bebe cried.

Damien turned around and set the teeter-totter ablaze. Once again, the children looked sad.

"FEEL MY WRATH!" Damien shouted.

"You shouldn't be so upset, Damien." I spoke up, "I know its hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you some day."

"I DON'T NEED ACCEPTANCE!" Damien shouted, lying through his teeth, "I'M THE SON OF SATAN!"

Another flick of the hand, and Damien burned down the little spring-animals. He turned and burns down the jungle gym.

I put my hand over Damien's shoulder, "Believe me, I know what it's like not to have friends. It was very lonely. But, maybe if you spoke to the school counselor, he might help you."

Damien stopped, looked at me, and thought for a moment.

Just then, a familiar voice shouted, "DAMIEN!"

Damien and I turned around and sees Jesus standing outside the playground, with Kyle, Stan and Kenny, still a duck billed platypus.

Damien smirked, "AH! Son of Stench! Cursed ruler of the weak!"

Jesus furrowed his brow, "So it IS Thou! Son of Lucifer!"

"Your time on this Earth is short! Soon my father comes!" Damien shouted.

Stan, Kyle, Sam, Kenny and Cartman followed the biblical exchange like a tennis match with their heads.

"Let him come then!" Jesus encouraged, "I shall stop him!"

Damien raised his hands to the sky, as the clouds moved closer to each other and covered the bright sun, "Behold! He is already upon us!"

The day becomes black and cold, as if nighttime was upon us.

Kyle gasped and took a step back, "Oh, dude!"

Suddenly, a deep, booming voice spoke in echos around us,

"**Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum.**

**Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus**..."

Damien took hold of my hand, closed his eyes and listened to the voice. I closed my eyes and listened. I knew this language. Something inside me burned, but it didn't hurt.

"**Forente omi sanctum san ri en unibus**..."

The Winds blew, objects and the snow flew all around. Half the townspeople came running up to see what's happening.

"What the hell is going on?!" Mr. Jimbo asked.

Father Maxi arrived and looked around. Then he saw Jesus and pointed at him, "Look! It's that guy from the public access show!"

Jesus looked around the flying debris. Chef came running up as well.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING?!" A woman asked in fear.

"Come over here if you're scared, women!" Chef assured, "I'll protect you!" Mr. Garrison hid in Chef's bosom, "Not, you dammit!"

"**En ri... En ri omnibus spiritus**..."

The voice finished speaking. I opened my eyes and glared at Jesus. Damien opened his eyes and looked at the Son of God, "Jesus... My father says... He CHOOSES YOU! He CALLS YOU OUT!"

Jesus eyes grew wide. All the townspeople looked at each other.

"Be here at this time tomorrow!" Damien demanded, "There the terms will be discussed!"

Jesus nodded, "Very well! Let the final battle between good and evil be fought... Right here in South Park!"

The townspeople all looked thrilled.

Mr. Jimbo turned to his war buddy, "Come on Ned! We gotta get our asses to the bookie!"

With that, everyone dispersed. Stan and Kyle walked up next to Jesus.

"You're gonna fight Satan?" Stan asked.

Jesus nodded, "This fight has been ordained since the beginning. My children, this is the most crucial and serious time of all history..."

Damien let go of my hand and walked off. I started to feel lightheaded and fell into the snow. Sam ran across the playground and caught me, so I fell to my knees.

"Ellie! Are you alright?" My younger sister asked me.

I nodded, "Yeah. I'm just a little drained."

Jesus helped me to my feet, "Not many humans survive acting as a conduit between the planes. You're very lucky."

"I don't think it was luck." I chuckled, "Damien called me a Neyaphem."

Jesus froze in his tracks and looked at me, "A Neyaphem? I thought they were extinct."

"What is a Neyaphem?" Sam asked.

"A Neyaphem..." Jesus started, he looked at the snow for a second, "A Neyaphem was a race of beings from a far away planet, until they seek refuge on Earth. You can say Damien is only half-Neyaphem."

I looked at the snow in thought. Why didn't Mum tell me that I'm a demon? Was she ashamed of me? Or did she not care what I am?

* * *

**_*Later, in Cartman's House...*_**

"Who will win our souls? Our savior and Lord? Or the Prince of Darkness!" The Narrator asked, as an commercial for the fight between Jesus and Saint Lucifer was on air, "It's the Final Battle between good and evil. AND IT'S ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW!"

'JESUS VS. SATAN' flew across the screen.

"Jesus verses Satan! Live from the South Park Forum on Saturday! Call now to order, only $49.95!"

Cartman gasped, as he noticed, "Hey, wait a minute! Saturday is my birthday party! They can't have the fight on Saturday!"

Kenny quacked in reply.

"I don't know what to do, dude." Stan shrugged, "Do we go to the fight or Cartman's birthday?"

"Cartman's birthday!" Cartman answered in a squeak.

"We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between good and evil." Kyle pointed out.

"You guys!" Cartman cried, "My mom's getting a Ferris wheel!"

"Well, come on, we have to at least see the weigh in." Stan told us.

With that, Stan, Kyle, Sam and Kenny head out.

"WHO THE HELL DECIDED THIS FIGHT HAD TO BE ON SATURDAY HUH?!" Cartman shouted in anger, "THIS WHOLE THING IS A PLOT AGAINST ME, ISN'T IT!"

I put my hand over Cartman's shoulder, "It's okay, Cartman. I'm sure that there are others that will attend your birthday party."

Cartman glanced at me and lowered his head.

* * *

**_*Later that night, Downtown South Park...*_**

**Samantha Carter's POV.**

A large group of people has gathered around Jesus in downtown South Park.

"When is Satan going to show up?" Father Maxi asked.

Another Townsfolk shrugged his shoulders, as he prepares his camera by cleaning off the lens. Stan, Ellie, Cartman, Kenny, Kyle and I arrived to the scene.

"Did The Devil show up yet?" Stan asked Jesus.

Jesus shook his head, "Not yet."

"Hey Jesus, If you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?" Kyle asked.

Jesus looked at the little duck billed platypus in the orange parka, then noticed Kyle's words, "What the hell do you mean IF I win the fight?"

Cartman covered Kyle's mouth, "Don't mind him, Jesus. He's Jewish."

"Oh." Jesus nodded in understanding.

More townspeople showed up.

"We're all with you Jesus!" Jimbo assured the Son of God, "We put every dime we have on you beating that Dark Prince!"

The townspeople cheered.

Jesus smiled, "Thank you for your faith." Then he frowned, "But I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation..."

"You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus!" Father Maxi cheered.

The Townspeople cheered again. Suddenly, a HUGE booming sound started to echo.

"Behold, the evil one approaches." Jesus announced.

In a large burst of flames, a large, seven foot two inches tall, demon appeared and roared. His skin was as red as the flames he appeared from. Yellow piercing eyes scanned the town. Horns, cloven hoofed feet.

Ellie bowed on one knee. Jesus' eyes grew HUGE. The Townspeople's jaws dropped in unison. I forced my sister to my feet.

"Holy poop on a stick!" Mr. Garrison gasped.

In a deep, booming voice, Saint Lucifer spoke, "Puny son of Jehovah. Prepare to enter thy house of pain."

Stan's eyes widen in shock, "Holy crap, dude, Satan is HUGE!"

"Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef." Jimbo pointed out.

Jesus tried to look tough, but something told me he was obviously scared. Stan and Kyle looked at each other with deep concern. I looked at my sister in concern.

Saint Lucifer stood in front of Jesus, looking tough and confident.

"Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits." Saint Lucifer told Jesus.

Jesus swallowed hard, then tried desperately not to sound scared, "Oh... Oh yeah?"

Saint Lucifer smirked, "I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee."

"Oh yeah?" Jesus repeated.

The Townspeople looked at each other, concerned.

With a large scale, a Weigh In Guy gestured for Saint Lucifer to step up, and he did.

"Satan weighs in at..." The Weigh In Guy announced," Three Hundred and Twenty pounds four ounces!"

The townspeople gasped in shock and looked at each other. Jesus replaced Saint Lucifer on the scale.

"Jesus Christ weighs in at..." The Weigh In Guy announced, "A hundred and thirty-five pounds - one ounce!"

Stan, Ellie, Kyle and I looked at each other.

"Ooh, crap." Chef frowned.

"Oh come on, I weigh more than that!" Jesus frowned.

Saint Lucifer threw his arms in the air, "LET THE NEW PRINCE BE DECIDED ON SATURDAY! FIRST SOUTH PARK, THEN THE WORLD!"

With that, he disappeared the same way he entered, through a flash of fire and smoke. Jesus stood there, still obviously shaken.

The Townspeople looked around, with knowing nods.

"Well... I think I'll uh..." Jimbo started, "I think I left the oven on..."

Mr. Garrison nodded in agreement, "Yeah... I think I left your oven on, too..."

All the Townspeople slowly backed away. Jesus looked at them suspiciously.

"See ya, Saturday, Jesus." Father Maxi waved, "Good Luck..."

"Is it just me, or did that feel awkward?" Ellie asked.

"Nope. I felt it too." Stan nodded.

* * *

**_*The Next Day, in the South Park Elementary Playground...*_**

**Eleanor Carter's POV.**

"Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'." Stan frowned.

Cartman looked at the left and frowned, "Oh, here comes unholy butthole now."

I followed Cartman's gaze and saw Damien walking by.

"Hey!" Cartman called him over, "Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!"

Damien took a deep breath, "I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice."

The boys and Sam thought for a moment.

Cartman smirked, "Oh, oh!" He walked up to Damien and farts on him, "Oh, excuse me, new kid! I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!"

Damien gritted his teeth in anger, but held back.

Stan waved his hand over his nose, "Whew! You stink new kid! You smell like a fart!"

Kyle laughed and nodded, "Yeah, we're gonna call you 'Fart Boy' from now on!"

Damien walked off, pissed off and sad.

Stan waved his hand, "Bye Bye, Fart boy!"

Kyle waved as well, "See ya!"

Angry, I slapped the boys across the face.

"Ow!" Kyle yelped, "What was that for?"

"You boys should be ashamed of yourselves." I scolded, "Damien apologizes for what he's done, and you guys don't have the decency to accept his apology and fart in his face?!" I frowned, "What if it was you, who was the new kid and everyone hated you? Huh?!"

The boys and Sam thought for a moment.

"That's what I thought." I stormed off and ended up bumping into Damien, "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you hurt?"

Damien turned to me, angry, then his anger vanished, "No, I'm alright. Are you hurt?"

I smiled and waved my hand, "Don't worry about me. I've been through worse. Trust me."

Damien smiled, but frowned in sadness.

"I accept your apology for burning everything." I told the Son of Lucifer.

Damien looked at me, "Why are you being nice to me? Your friends and your Child of Gaia sister are being horrible to me."

"Because..." I took hold of his hand, "I've been where you are. I was the new kid in my old school and everyone treated me like trash, because I was different."

Damien looked at his hands, then back at me. He smiled. I smiled back.

* * *

**_*Later that Weekend, In Cartman's Backyard...*_**

It was Cartman's birthday party, and the kids from school were arriving. There were elephants, clowns, mimes, and even a Ferris wheel. How did Mrs. Cartman afford all this, I'll never want to know.

A large banner, hanging over the house, read 'Happy Birthday, Eric!'

Mrs. Cartman walked through the huge crowd of kids, carrying an ENORMOUS amount of food, "Come on, kiddies! Eat more!"

Cartman was walking tall, wearing a little pointed birthday hat. He was greeting the children as they walked in.

"Welcome, Clyde." Cartman greeted, "Please put your present on the table to your left..." Clyde did what he was told, "Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left..." Bebe repeated what Clyde did, "Welcome Chef..."

Chef walked in and nodded, "Yup, here's your present, children. Well, nice party, see you later." Then he turned to leave.

"Hey, you just got here, Chef!" Kyle pointed out.

Chef nodded, "I know, but the fight is starting!"

"But dude, check it out, Cartman's mom made chilli." Stan pointed.

Chef turned to look at Mrs. Cartman, she gave Chef a wink.

Chef smiled, "Mmmm, that's my favorite kind of chili."

Outside, Damien and I were sitting alone on the curb.

"I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's birthday party." Damien sighed.

I nodded, "Yes... I hear it's always a huge event."

Damien turned to me, "Then, why are you out here with me?"

"I'm not a big fan of parties." I answered, "Large crowds give me anxiety and makes me uncomfortable." Then I offered, "If you want, I can invite you to the party."

Damien's face lit up. He took hold of my hand and we joined the party.

Cartman noticed and scowled, "HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing here?!

Stan nodded, "Yeah, YOU aren't invited, new kid!"

Sam glared at me, "Ellie, what are you doing? Get away from him!"

I smiled, "Oh, yes he is. I gave Damien my invitation, so he's allowed."

Cartman stuttered, lost for words.

Sam took hold of my free hand and pulled my away from Damien, "What has Mum said about being too trusting. This kid is the Son of Satan. He could've cursed you."

"Wait a minute, give me a chance!" Damien spoke up, "I want to do something special for your party..."

Just then, Damien touched me by the shoulder and something incredible happened. Demons came up from the ground and grabbed onto me.

"Whoa!" I smiled.

The demons hoisted me into the air. My clothes catch fire, but the flames tickled.

Kyle smiled, "Wow!"

I flew up into the sky and PWOOF! An explosion like beautiful fireworks illuminate the party.

The kids cheered and applaud.

Stan smiled, "Wow, that was COOL!"

Kyle nodded, "Hey... You're not such a bad guy after all, Damien!"

Cartman nodded, "Yeah, come on in and join the party!"

Damien beamed with happiness. I landed into the snow with a thud.

Damien helped me to my feet, "You okay, Eleanor? I guess I got carried away."

I coughed to snow out of my mouth and smiled, "That was awesome!" Damien smiled back.

With that, Damien and I entered the backyard. Cartman was by the pile of presents.

"Oh, I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday..." Cartman opened the present and pulled out the toy. He smiled, "Oh look! A blue Mega-Man! "Thank you, Stan, you may eat pie and cake and ice cream, now."

Stan smiled and dashed off to the food table.

Cartman grabbed the next present, "And what did Wendy get me?" He opened the present, "Oh, it's The Yellow Mega-Man! Help yourself to pie, cake and ice cream, Wendy."

Wendy smiled and joined Stan at the food table.

Cartman grabbed the next present, "Oh! Look what Kyle got me! it's A Red Mega-" He opened the present and his smile frowned, "Ants in the Pants?!" He pulled out the game, "ANTS IN THE PANTS?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!"

Kyle nodded with a small smile, "It's a game, dude. It's really fun."

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Cartman shouted in anger, as he tackled Kyle and knocked him to the ground, "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN! NOW I CAN'T MAKE ULTRA MEGA-MEGA MAN! YOU DIRTY CHEAP ASS PIECE OF CRAP!"

Cartman punched Kyle across the face. I quickly grabbed Cartman from his arms and pulled him away from Kyle.

"THEY WERE ALL OUT OF 'EM, DUDE!" Kyle explained.

"I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!" Cartman shouted, absolutely enraged.

"Cartman, calm down. It's just a toy." I told Cartman calmly.

Cartman forced himself free and shouted to everyone in attendance, "THAT'S IT! PARTY IS OVER! EVERYBODY GO HOME!"

The kids looked stunned. Cartman walked over to a large switch and pulls it down. Immediately the entire party shut down - The Ferris wheel stopped, the lights go off and all the music stopped.

"GET THE HELL OUT I SAID!" Cartman screamed, "PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT GODAMNIT!"

The kids sighed and started to file out.

"Whoa dude, you need to mellow out." Stan told Cartman, as he left the backyard.

Cartman threw the Ant in the Pants box at Kyle, "Take you stupid ants in the pants with you!"

"Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems." Damien noted.

Stan waved his hand, "Aw, he does this all the time."

Chef started running down the street, "Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight!"

The boys, Damien, Sam and I looked at each other and followed Chef to a large room with a boxing ring inside. Jesus was getting his ass kicked by Saint Lucifer, who was untouched. Jesus took a smack to the face.

"Fight! Dammit!" Saint Lucifer told Jesus.

"Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked!" Stan gasped.

Just then, the bell rang. Jesus returned to his corner and plopped down in his seat.

"You've got to FIGHT, Jesus!" Stan told Jesus.

Jesus shrugged, "Why? What's the point? No one believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan... My Father forsaken me... The Town forsaken me... I'm completely forsook."

"SOMEBODY bet on you, Jesus." Kyle pointed out, "You said yourself that one person still has money on you."

Jesus shook his head, "It doesn't matter. He's way to strong for me anyway. I give up."

Stan got in Jesus' face and starts yelling, "GOD DAMMIT, JESUS SNAP OUT OF IT!"

Jesus looked at Stan, surprised.

"What would Nancy Karrigan do?! HUH?!" Stan asked, "Nancy Karrigan wouldn't give up! When things were looking their darkest Nancy Karrigan fought to be the BEST!"

Kyle, Sam and I looked at each other, confused.

"She wouldn't stop until she was NUMBER ONE!" Stan told Jesus.

Kyle raised his hand, "Uh... Stan..."

"Nancy Karrigan wouldn't settle for second best!" Stan continued.

"Stan..."

"She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!"

"Stan!" Kyle shouted.

Stan turned to him, "What?!"

"Nancy Karrigan got the silver, dude." Kyle explained, "She came in second."

Stan thought for a long time, "Really?"

Kyle nodded, "Yeah, dude."

Stan calmed, "Oh... Never mind Jesus, Nancy Karrigan sucks."

Then there was snapping sounds, which meant it was almost time to go back into the ring. Jesus drank some water and spat it out.

"You know... Somebody once said 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'." Stan told Jesus.

Jesus thought for a while, "Who said that?"

Stan put his hand on Jesus' shoulder, "YOU did, Jesus."

Jesus smiled and nodded, "You're right, Stan."

Just then, the bell rang.

Jesus nodded, "Thank you, boys." Then he stepped into the ring.

"Wow, did he say that in the bible?" Kyle asked.

Stan shook his head, "No, I saw it on Star Trek."

I gasped, "Oh, yeah. By Zefram Cochrane from First Contact."

Kyle rubbed his chin in thought, "Hmmm."

Jesus and Saint Lucifer meet in the ring. Lucifer took a couple of shots, Jesus ducked, and the punches miss.

"Come on you SISSY! Hit me! Hit me!" Lucifer dared Jesus.

Jesus narrowed his eyes, "Okay, pal, YOU ASKED FOR IT!"

Jesus winded up his arm. Stan and Kyle watched intensely. The Townspeople's eyes grow wide...

Finally, Jesus delivered the blow - He hit Lucifer in the arm, but it barely tapped him. Lucifer didn't even flinch, until he grabbed his arm, "AAAGHH! YOU GOT ME!"

Saint Lucifer fell on to the canvas, eyes closed.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!" The Referee started counting.

The Townspeople were in shock.

Mr. Jimbo shook his head, "No way! He barely touched him!"

"FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT!" The Referee continued counting.

Saint Lucifer opened one eye, but didn't move from the canvas, a little smile crossed his face. I gasped in realization. Lucifer was taking a fall. He bet on Jesus!

"NINE! TEN!" The Referee finished counting, "YOU'RE OUT!"

The bell rang over and over. Jesus threw his hands in the air and jumped up and down.

"OUR SAVIOR!" Stan and Kyle cheered.

I glanced at Damien, "Damien, did you see...?"

Damien nodded, "I saw."

"The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdom." The Announcer announced, raising Jesus' arm, "Jesus Elllllll Saaaavior Christ."

Just then, Saint Lucifer got back to his cloven hoofed feet, completely fine.

Mr. Garrison noticed, "Hey! He isn't hurt! He took a dive! He threw the fight!"

Mr. Jimbo noticed and nodded, "Yeah."

Saint Lucifer turned to the crowd of people, "Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive! Don't you see - who do you think was the ONE PERSON that bet on Jesus to win?"

The townspeople thought for a moment. I pinched my nose under my glasses. Really? How can a bunch of people be so dense?

"ME, you idiots!" Saint Lucifer answered, "And now I will take all your hard earned money and return to hell a MUCH RICHER Prince of Darkness and buy some real estate! Ha HA HA!"

"I don't believe this!" Father Maxi gasped.

Mr. Garrison nodded, "Yeah, what a mean thing to do!"

Saint Lucifer waved his hand, "Farewell fools!"

"Man..." Mr. Jimbo frowned, "That guy is a JERK!"

With that, Saint Lucifer disappeared into the ground.

"Jesus TOLD you guys not to bet on Satan!" Stan told the crowd of people.

Mr. Garrison nodded and sulked, "Boy, did we get screwed."

"Jesus, we're sorry..." Chef apologized, "Can you ever forgive us?"

Jesus thought for a moment, then smiled, "Aw, heck, do I have a choice?"

Mr. Jimbo smiled, "Well Jesus, I definitely learned MY lesson. Never bet on evil, because when you do-" Then he noticed Kenny, "Ned, look! That's a rare duck billed platypus! It's comin' right for us!"

"WAIT!" I shouted, but Mr. Jimbo pulled out a gun and blew Kenny's head off.

"OH MY GOD!" Stan gasped, "THEY KILLED KENNY!"

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted.

Damien shrugged his shoulders, "Well, goodbye guys, it was nice getting to know you."

"You're leaving already?" Stan asked.

Damien nodded, "I have to. My dad's always on the move." He hung his head and walked away.

"Damien, wait." I called. I grabbed Damien's hand and gave him a small sheet of paper.

"What's this?" Damien asked.

"It's my address and phone number. So we can stay in touch." I answered with a smile, "Don't be a stranger, okay?"

Damien smiled back at me and put the piece of paper in his pocket. He gave me a small peck on the cheek, turned around and left the building.

'Wow... I feel kinda bad for that kid." Stan frowned.

Kyle nodded in agreement, "Yeah, just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over."

"Parents can be so cruel." Stan folded in arms, "Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?"

"I guess we'll never know." I answered.


End file.
